Saying that the group “deeply regrets” ignoring a key demographic, the Islamic State announced that it has opened a recruiting center in Tel Aviv following the arrest of a Jewish Israeli-American teenager for making bomb threats against Jewish Community Centers in the United States. “For years, we bought into the false stereotype that Jews are less capable of unhinged or violent...
ISIS leaders have expressed frustration with House Leader Paul Ryan, as he failed to push through the repeal of the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare). A spokesman commented, “They had one job, destroy America. And we really thought that with control of all the levers of power in D.C., we could leave them to it while we concentrated on frolicking through...
President Trump’s refusal to shake German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s hand has won him the support of Israel’s Haredi community, as religious conservatives welcomed an unlikely ally in their battle against the mixing of the genders. “For years we’ve been refusing to sit on planes or busses with women who are not our wives because any physical contact between the sexes...
Terrorists worldwide are scrambling to deal with the most recent US security restriction of banning personal electronic devices on planes flying directly to the US from several Muslim majority countries. One ISIS operations planner sounded exasperated when he told The Mideast Beast: “We’ve already booked the flight. Do you know how expensive it is to change your tickets? Let’s just say...
The Islamic State has distanced itself from President Donald Trump’s first budget proposal, calling cuts to domestic programs “a bit harsh.” “Listen, we’re all for seeing Americans suffering, but this budget goes a little overboard,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “Even we wouldn’t have thought of cutting Meals on Wheels funding.” ISIS did express support for...
With Nike’s release of a new “Pro-Hijab” geared towards athletic Muslim women, a whole new group of female Muslim Athletes are really excited at the prospect of not being allowed to compete in international domestic and international competitions. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one female athlete in Saudi Arabia said she loves to run, but found it very difficult to...
Just days after accusing the British government of tapping his phone on behalf of the Obama administration, President Trump now says Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has been reading the President’s tweet’s without his permission. “The things I post to Twitter are some of my most personal thoughts, and the idea that other people may be spying on me by...
Saying they had finally found a way to resolve the Palestinian conflict while keeping Israel both a Jewish and democratic state, Israeli officials announced that Gaza and the West Bank will be annexed and given full voting rights under a system called the “electoral college.” Under this system, Israel will be divided into 50 regions, all of which will have...
With U.S. political leaders debating whether to accept thousands of Syrian refugees, President Donald Trump unveiled a new proposal to “send those Arabs back to Mexico where they belong.” While details were vague, Trump’s proposal called for all four million Syrian refugees to be sent “back” to Mexico immediately and for a giant wall to be built along Syria’s borders...
New WikiLeaks documents show that, in 2016, after the Nobel prizes were announced, John Kerry made several late-night phone calls to members of the awarding committee as well as multiple late night drunk texts. Mr. Kerry had high hopes for being remembered for something other than being the guy who lost to George W. Bush fair and square; he set...
The collective population of Yemen has contacted President Trump offering him the opportunity to discuss ‘creative’ solutions to his travel ban woes. In an open letter, the 24.4 million Yemenis stated, “Look, clearly this whole writing up Executive Orders with a life expectancy higher than an Afghan wedding party on ‘drone strike Tuesdays’ is too much for you. But, as...
Speaking to reporters at a press conference, President Trump laid out his views on the Middle East. “I’m reluctant to give credit to other people’s construction projects,” admitted 45, “but I was very impressed with the separation wall Israel built in and around the West Bank. Throughout my trip in Israel I saw maybe 10-12 Mexicans, tops. Obviously the wall is doing a...
Palestinian President and PLO leader Mahmoud Abbas is, according to aides, desperately trying to think of a good excuse not to visit Washington. He received the invitation during his first phone call with President Trump this week. An aide commented, “Of course on the call he had to act all excited but after he put the receiver down he was...
Saying that they are “thankful to Allah that that orange-skinned lunatic isn’t actually in charge,” rulers from across the Middle East are relieved to learn of a powerful “deep state” secretly running the US. “I must admit, for a while I was quite concerned about these American ‘elections,’ as they call them,” Egyptian President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi told The Mideast...
Turkish leadership entered uncharted territory this weekend, as President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has finally run out of people to call a Nazi. While some Turkish officials had expressed concerns after Erdogan called the leaders of Germany and the Netherlands Nazis within a week, the crisis caught the government off-guard. The final accusation came Saturday, as Erdogan labeled a kebab vendor...
A health care plan proposed by ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has failed to win support among the Syrian people, putting in jeopardy his promise to repeal and replace ‘Assadcare.’ The long-awaited proposal, officially called the ‘Sharia Protection and Islamic Care Act’ but commonly referred to as ISISCare, is just two sentences long. “If any citizen is to become sick...
The ‘A Day Without a Woman’ movement gained an unlikely supporter this week, as the Taliban praised the initiative to keep women from going to work in support for gender equality. “While women in the US are finally skipping work in order to protest the patriarchy, we have been vigilantly enforcing the ‘Day Without a Woman’ cause every day for...
Saying that he was a bit embarrassed that it has taken him nearly 14 years to undermine the democratic institutions in his own country, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan admitted he is overwhelmed with jealousy over how quickly US President Donald Trump has steamrolled democracy in his own country. “I thought I was so brilliant, slowly purging the courts and...
There was controversy in Tel Aviv last night after the Israeli Association for the Televisual Arts named Russian-funded RT as ‘International News Channel of the Year’ at its annual awards. The judging panel cited RT’s speedy reporting of the news and willingness to not let the truth get in the way of a good story as major factors in the...
The White House Correspondents’ Dinner committee has decided on a fresh approach following President Trump’s decision to not attend this year. They extended an invitation to Iranian leader, Hassan Rouhani, the self-proclaimed ‘longtime fan of the New York Times’, and he has accepted. His spokesmen commented, “The President was deeply honored by the invitation and is already hard at work on...
