Politics

Senior Saudi Arabian Minister Rejects Rapprochement with Israel

Senior Saudi Arabian Minister Rejects Rapprochement with Israel

Saudi Commerce Minister His Royal Freshness Prince Nash bin Baba Al-Saud stated on Tuesday that the rash of rumors about dialogue between Riyadh and Jerusalem is little more than a Zionist ruse. “Get real, cousin. This whole ‘from foe to friend’ plotline is as hackneyed as The Dark Night Rises. Jewish screenplay writers in Hollywood have been secretly whipping up and spreading these fairy tales. Coincidentally, Dark Night Rises happens to be my fifth wife’s nickname for my ‘little highness’.”...

Powerful Cousin of Iran’s Supreme Leader Defects to Monaco with Possible Secrets about Tehran’s Plutonium Program

Powerful Cousin of Iran’s Supreme Leader Defects to Monaco with Possible Secrets about Tehran’s Plutonium Program

MONACO – A powerful cousin of Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khameini has defected from the Islamic Republic and relocated to Monaco with his wife, mistress, spotted Siamese cat, two million dollars in unmarked, non-sequential bills – and perhaps some well-guarded secrets regarding Tehran’s plutonium production program. ‘Catch you on the flip side, bitches! Home slice has left the office to snort blow off a French hooker’s ass,’ was Bagher Tousi’s final Facebook posting before heading into self-imposed exile. Based on news...

Al Jazeera Viewership Dramatically Down in West Bank

Al Jazeera Viewership Dramatically Down in West Bank

From the West Bank of the Mississippi, locals are tuning out Al Jazeera in droves due to lack of ‘real newsy stuff.’ Local soybean farmer’ Marvin ‘Tweets’ Furlough said, “When they first appeared on cable, we thought Al Jazeera might give us some juicy video from the Mideast, but now they’re showing nothing but rock-throwing punks and camel cutaways.” A similar complaint came from Melvina Twerk of suburban Joliet. “We had high hopes for AJ when they first started, but...

Controversial New Study Claims Palestinian Authority Schoolbooks Teach Reading, Writing and Bomb Making

Controversial New Study Claims Palestinian Authority Schoolbooks Teach Reading, Writing and Bomb Making

Guided by Messianic visions of blowing up two of Islam’s holy sites, some violent Jewish settlers, or ‘asshats’ as they are often known in Israel, have long asserted that the way Palestinian children are educated is proof of the true intentions of the Palestinian leadership vis-à-vis Israel. According to Dr. Zion Ben-Judah, a senior member of the pro-settler Council for a Jewish Tomorrow, “When you google translate: ‘A just and comprehensive peace in the Middle East’ from English to Arabic, you...

Hamas Bombs Make “BOOM” in Israeli Real Estate

Hamas Bombs Make “BOOM” in Israeli Real Estate

Wealthy Jews (really, are there any other kind?) are buying up high priced property in Israel as a hedge against rising anti-Semitism in their present countries of residence. The surge in economic activity is creating a real estate boom as a welcome side effect of the recent war with Hamas. Despite the Gaza conflict creating a spike in global hatred for “dem Jooooos,” the Jewish people have responded as they have for millennia; by pointing out that they are in...

ISIS beheadings due to “a hateful, detestable video” according to Obama Administration

ISIS beheadings due to “a hateful, detestable video” according to Obama Administration

National Security Advisor Susan Rice was a guest on Meet the Press Sunday, saying that the recent mass beheadings by the group known as ISIS were “apparently the result of a spontaneous protest over a hateful video.” Rice, speaking on behalf of the Administration, continued, “This video is another example of the sort of failures of diplomacy our Administration has been trying to overcome – failures left over from the previous Administration.” The weekly news show was briefly interrupted while...

Israeli Facebook community can’t handle that people criticize Israel online

Israeli Facebook community can’t handle that people criticize Israel online

If there is one thing Israelis (original or transplant) feel more passionately about than Israel, it’s people criticizing or complaining about Israel. It appears that the online community of Israel is so effective at over-reacting that they don’t even have to read the articles to mobilize their indignation. Often times a mere whiff of a headline that mentions Israel not followed by ‘cures cancer’ or ‘provides relief aid’ is enough to unleash the deathly gates of hell and cause Israelis...

International Intelligence agencies unable to pin down origin of ‘Khorosan Group’

International Intelligence agencies unable to pin down origin of ‘Khorosan Group’

At an emergency roundtable meeting held at The Hague, Netherlands, the emergence of a previously undocumented player in international terrorism known only as the ‘Khorosan Group,’ has dominated the three-day security symposium. “I’ve heard of them, but I thought it was a management consulting firm.” said one attendee.  “No! You have it all wrong.  Khorosan is a powdered dish soap suitable for septic systems.” screamed another.  Official remarks are still in draft status until the security summit reaches its conclusion...

Lady Gaga to address UN in place of Netanyahu

Lady Gaga to address UN in place of Netanyahu

What next? Justin Bieber addresses NATO?   It has been announced that Lady Gaga will be addressing the UN General Assembly on behalf of Israel, in place of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, after her highly successful September concert in Tel Aviv. A spokesperson for the PM told The Israeli Daily, “It was a pretty obvious choice. I mean, look at her! She’s so talented! You can’t help but be uplifted by her songs, or her colorful and varied costume...

Retraction: top satirical news site misidentifies radical Muslim clerics

Retraction: top satirical news site misidentifies radical Muslim clerics

A leading satirical news website, The Mideast Beast, stood accused of gross racism yesterday as it published a story in which it mistakenly mixed up two leading religious firebrands. See “British Home Secretary loses her shit.” “But Sir, they all look the same to me,” moaned dashing reporter Marcus Thunderbolt. “One of them has a fucking hook for a hand and the other one doesn’t, you colossal racist fuck,” retorted the editor. “Sorry.” On a side note, ruggedly handsome reporter, Rani Steelballs, oddly enjoyed...

British Home Secretary loses her shit

British Home Secretary loses her shit

The British Home Secretary, Teresa May, has failed to react with restrained dignity on the news that the Jordanians have found Abu Qatada the radical Muslim Cleric and amateur Peter Pan nemesis, not guilty of being a complete lunatic. “Fuck my life!” said May. The normally calm top official for UK domestic affairs was reported to have embedded a stiletto shoe into the head of the unfortunate civil servant tasked with bringing her the news. The Home Office later released a...

Clashes break out over who is most annoying “peace envoy”

Clashes break out over who is most annoying “peace envoy”

The region was thrown into further turmoil yesterday on news that Jude Law was heading this way to contest Tony Blair’s crown as “Peace Envoy You Most Want to Punch” Yuri Jacobson, a fight starter from Tel Aviv was adamant, “Jude is gonna take Tony’s crown. Have you seen his performance in the Congo? Brilliant! Just the right mix of sanctimonious bleating and new-age wishing that creates the ideal climate for punching. I want to kick his balls right into...

Australia the Most Dangerous Place on Earth

Australia the Most Dangerous Place on Earth

Islamic State (IS) militants have now joined the long list of ‘basically fucking everything that is trying to kill you in Australia’. Typical Aussie bloke, James Wart, commented “it’s been a matter of pride here that absolutely everything that swims in the sea, crawls on the earth and flies in the air is trying to kill us, all the time. I knew a mate that was taken out by a Koala bear falling out of a tree, true story. So...

US begs England, Scotland for peaceful two-state solution

US begs England, Scotland for peaceful two-state solution

‘Should Scotland leave? Does England care?   As Britain braces itself for Thursday’s referendum on Scottish independence, the United States – having gone over a week without entering global politics– has begun crisis negotiations with representatives from England and Scotland, attempting to persuade them to enter into a two-state solution. A seasoned negotiator attending the talks in Cardiff, Wales told The Israeli Daily: ‘This violence has to stop. It’s all over the world news. Sheep are being attacked; eggs are...

Paris too distracting for decision makers

Paris too distracting for decision makers

Foreign Ministers from around the world are admitting today that there would be a lot more concrete action on the ‘Islamic State’ if Paris weren’t just so damn delightful in the early autumn sunshine. John Kerry confessed “I swear I was absolutely going to make a detailed report to the conference, but then I looked out of my hotel room this morning at the sun glittering like molten gold over the Seine, the smell of fresh baked croissants wafted up...

Evangelical Christian tourists radicalized by ISIS

Evangelical Christian tourists radicalized by ISIS

Foreign Embassies are advising against all travel to Israel’s Upper Galilee region following reports of evangelical tourist groups becoming radicalized by ISIS. Groups of Western God botherers, inspired by ISIS’ presence on Israel’s northern border, have seen an opportunity to further their own religious aims while on tour in Israel. The Israeli Daily (TID) contacted one of the tour organizers responsible for sending the groups.  Bob Logan of Plainold, Texas, told TID: ‘These ISIS heathens are clearly misguided. Instead of shooting...

Report: Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, is pregnant with the Messiah

Report: Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, is pregnant with the Messiah

Addressing the crowds from above the clouds, in a loud, booming voice, God, looking pretty proud of himself, announced that Kate had conceived the child naturally and not via Immaculate Conception, which he dismissed as ‘an absolute load of bollocks’: ‘There’s no such thing as an ‘Immaculate Conception’. Who ever made that shit up had some pretty fucked ideas about sex. The truth is, I’m probably the only one man to knock up Kate. Then I thought, since I was...

ISIS beginning to think the ‘Stop the War’ Coalition is just a bit weird

ISIS beginning to think the ‘Stop the War’ Coalition is just a bit weird

  Following demonstrations at the NATO summit in Wales by the Stop the War Coalition, ISIS spokesman Ali al-daziz has confided that they are not sure what to make of them, “On the one hand, all respect to them as they seem to hate the great Satan America more than we do. Abet with not as much sword-waving action. So that we like. On the other hand they seem to be cool with Putin and think that the West is being a...

El Al to operate first entirely kosher plane

El Al to operate first entirely kosher plane

In an important announcement from El Al earlier today, Israel’s national airline broke the news that they will soon be operating the world’s first entirely kosher airplane. In a move that delighted the ultra-Orthodox Jewish community and confused pretty much everyone else, the airline’s press conference overran by half an hour while a spokesman explained just what a ‘fully kosher’ airplane would entail. The Israeli Daily can now reveal (after some carefully drawn diagrams and arm-waving explanations from El Al...

Israel cannot name sixth submarine

Israel cannot name sixth submarine

A serious row has broken out in the upper echelons of the Israeli Navy, over the name of their 6th German built U-boat. The current names, Dolphin, Whale, Crocodile, Revival, and Splendour may all soon be joined by Duck-Bill Platypus or Manatee. “I refuse to command a ship named after something with a permanent smile on it’s face” said Yossi “the Shark” Kaplinski, Israel’s highest scoring U-boat ace with 16-tons of shipping sunk, fifteen of which was accounted for in...