After firing his FBI director, potentially leaking classified information to the Russians, and repeatedly being pilloried for his incompetence by the US and global press, the Egyptian President, and former military coup leader, Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, expressed concern today at what he calls the “abject failure of US President Trump’s attempts at being an effective dictator.” In an announcement to...
A spokesman for the Islamic State (IS) has harshly criticized the American President after reports emerged that he had spoilt their latest plot by leaking details to the Russians. “This is really the last straw for us. No one seems to appreciate that we put a lot of effort into these missions and now we’re going to have start all...
Promising to return it promptly whenever the US needs it back, a number of Middle Eastern countries have asked President Trump if they can borrow the US Constitution “since you guys clearly aren’t using it right now.” “I read the American Constitution, and it actually isn’t bad,” said one Saudi citizen. “It’s all about the rights of the people, and...
The United States Supreme Court has ruled that the Second Amendment of the Constitution protects the right of every American to own military combat drones. Following the ruling, many Americans expressed plans to fly their personal hellfire-dispensing machines over Iraq and Syria to help in the fight against ISIS. “We’re going to take the fight to those terrorist bastards,” said...
President Trump’s chief strategist, Stephen Bannon, has reportedly told aides to draw up plans to round up all Muslims and Jews living in the United States, just as soon as they get the border wall out of the way. Bannon, the executive chairman of the far-right news source Breitbart, has been accused multiple times of making anti-Semitic and anti-Muslim remarks....
After months of crackdowns by Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan following last year’s attempted coup, a new effort targeting the nation’s wildlife has been confirmed. The crackdown comes after the President delivered a report stating that the entire population of Turkey was currently being held in detention centers. As of May 9, over 700 gazelles had been detained by authorities, as...
Pulling a page out of its diplomatic playbook, Israel’s foreign ministry plans to respond to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s diatribe against the country by forcing the Turkish leader to sit in a tiny chair during his next visit. Officials pointed to the success of a similar measure in 2010, when then-deputy foreign minister Danny Ayalon forced the Turkish ambassador...
RAMALLAH – Vowing to “cannabize counter-terrorism efforts,” the Israel Defense Forces unveiled a highly unorthodox policy today to combat a spate of attacks against its soldiers and civilians. “Every morning, free marijuana joints will be distributed to Palestinians under the age of 30,” said Maj. Gen. Nisan Ya’alon of the IDF Central Command. “By blunting their rage with drug-induced bliss, we...
In emotional scenes across the Middle East, secret police members came together to support ousted FBI director, and part-time Trump election campaign-enhancer, James B. Comey. In Cairo, one protestor commented, “We’re just here to show solidarity with one of our own. Egypt might have its problems, but we know that if we help keep President el-Sisi in power we can...
Backing away from his previous full hunger strike, former Palestinian militant leader Marwan Barghouti has vowed to maintain a completely gluten-free diet until his demands are met. “Until me and my fellow prisoners are either released or given a fair trial, I will abstain from eating any food or beverage products containing gluten,” Barghouti told The Mideast Beast. “If my suffering...
Saudi royals have tipped their hats to President Trump following the vote to repeal and replace Obamacare. Their spokesman commented, “Trump may be onto something. Honestly, we’ve always gone for the short-term solution in treating our citizens like shit, such as beheadings every Friday afternoon in Chop-Chop Square. And while we’re way ahead of ISIS in melon-slicing, it’s definitely not a long-term...
Israel’s Prime Minister, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu has shocked the world by dying his hair to one of the other 50 shades of gray, and it has apparently sent his approval ratings through the roof – especially with sexually deprived housewives. An avid Bibi hater admitted, “I ran into this nice guy, who was really smart and had great ideas about...
President Trump has suggested to his Russian comrade that a beautiful big wall would really be the best way to the ensure the proposed safe areas in Syria are really secure. A spokesman for the US president commented, “This proposal demonstrates how President Trump continues to think outside the box on issues concerning international relations. As everyone knows, contrary to the...
The Israeli Ministry of Health has made a recommendation that Israel skips its 69th birthday and move directly to its 70th. The proposal came about after an innocent Google search revealed that the number ‘69’ has sexual connotations. “I searched ‘how to properly celebrate 69’ on Google to get some ideas for Independence Day and I was shocked, and aroused, by...
Following Trump’s remark that there is “no reason whatsoever” for the lack of peace between the two sides, Israelis and Palestinians have formed informal groups to provide President Trump with bullet points and colored pictures of reasons why. The meetings have occurred across the region and have been surprisingly cordial. One Israeli participant commented, “Clearly Jared has not yet had the...
In a move widely condemned as cruel and unusual punishment, Israel has announced that it will begin force-feeding Palestinian prisoners on hunger strike by employing Jewish grandmothers to guilt them into eating. “Security prisoners are interested in turning a hunger strike into a new type of suicide terrorist attack through which they will threaten the State of Israel,” Public Security...
Following his decision to cancel a meeting with the German Foreign Minister, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is spending the day trying to think of things that Germany may have done in the past that is anyway near as bad as talking to the groups Breaking the Silence and B’Tselem. One of his spokesmen commented, “He’s used up three entire...
Saudi Arabia, recently elected to represent women on the United Nations Commission on the Status of Women, is apparently shocked that Iraq, a country where women’s rights are declining rapidly, would be included. A Saudi leader commented, “I mean, I understand why we were elected to join, but Iraq!?!?” “We aren’t really sure how our country was elected, it’s definitely...
In a last-minute appeal to liberal voters, French far-right presidential candidate Marine Le Pen stated yesterday that if elected, she will generously allow all Christian, Jewish, and Hindu mosques in France to remain open. The statement came as a follow-up to her call for the closure of all “Islamist” mosques after last Friday’s ISIS-affiliated attack on a police bus on...
Days after electing Saudi Arabia as a member, the UN Commission on the Status of Women has chosen former Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly to take over as the group’s chair. “Here at the UN, we are always looking for alternative perspectives on human rights,” one commission representative noted. “We think the Saudis have some really unique interpretations on women’s...
