Despite public condemnation of the Kurdistan vote for independence by the US State Department, behind closed doors, US officials have been thrilled by recent developments in the Kurdish areas of Iraq. One official commented “We’re just so happy there’s something new to work with here. The American people are sick of hearing about ‘Iraq,’ Afghanistan’ or ‘Syria’. We needed something...
King Salman’s revocation of the controversial driving ban for women has backfired with the swiftest revolution in the Middle East to date. Just hours after the driving ban was lifted, women converged on major locations across Riyadh. Fatima Al-Fatima, the leader of the revolt, spoke from the royal palace: “We have been practicing on our husband’s dune buggies and golf...
Iran’s supreme leader is distraught over US President Donald Trump’s decision to dub North Korean strongman Kim Jong-un “Rocket Man,” saying he has long been gunning for that title. “I have spent the better part of two decades building an illegal nuclear weapons and missile program, just so I could have a badass nickname,” Ayatollah Ali Khamenei told The Mideast...
Iraq’s Kurdish population has decided to put its dreams of independence on hold, canceling a planned referendum after the organic grocer Whole Foods opened its first location in the country. “After learning that Iraq will soon be home to a growing number of Whole Foods Markets, we have withdrawn our bid for secession,” Kurdish President Masoud Barzani said in an...
Former NFL quarterback and full-time activist Colin Kaepernick has taken another controversial stand, announcing that he now plans to give up football and devote himself to hunting bald eagles to protest US military action in the Middle East. “While America invaded Iraq and Afghanistan and killed billions of innocent African (sic) children, these stupid birds had no problem masquerading as...
The Ideology Sector continued to show growing export vigor as the National Rifle Association (NRA) opened their newest international branch in Yemen. NRA head, Wayne LaPierre, was on hand to cut the ribbon as an excited crowd shot guns into the air in celebration. “With its recognition of the fundamental right of every person to own any weapon on which...
With limited international support for the unilateral referendum for an independent state, the leader of Iraqi Kurdistan Massoud Barzani has desperately invoked the rules of ‘shotgun!’ in his bid to create an independent Kurdistan. At a regional conference, the topic was raised, only to be dismissed outright in mad laughter by Iraq, Iran, and Turkey. This led Barzani to lose...
Following increasing pressure on its strongholds, ISIS has decided to hand out feedback forms to its residents. ISIS leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, wrote a foreword to the form: “Thank you for going on this magnificent journey with us. We want to ask our Muslim brothers to just take five minutes out of their day to give some honest feedback on...
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is reportedly scrambling to revise his speech to the United Nations, after US President Donald Trump raised the bar by threatening to annihilate North Korea. “I had all these hair-raising lines about how we would meet America with a force never seen before, show no mercy and bring death and destruction,” Baghdadi told The Mideast...
Security forces, as well as World News enthusiasts in general, have wondered why things are perhaps a bit too quiet on the Israeli-Palestinian front. “We’re used to seeing something about Israel and Palestine on the news,” said one CNN junkie. “But now it’s just bombs in Europe, racism in the US, and Anthony Weiner. Hell, not even Syria is on...
Defending his decision to ‘like’ a pornographic post on Twitter Monday, US senator Ted Cruz insisted his action was proof that he would not let terrorism stop him from living his life. “Our nation’s founders risked their lives for our right to live in freedom, to establish our own government, and to stream video of a good-looking young man having...
Infamous ISIS ethnic cleansing extraordinaire is seeking a safe-place to have his feelings validated. I spoke with former ISIS member, Abu al-Cantwell from the cell he occupies in former battleground of al-Charlottesville. Sobbing like a 3-year old, the ‘crying-jihadi’ wails, “Why is everybody being so mean! All I want is an entirely homogenous ‘religious ethno-state,’ based on our interpretation of...
After learning that intensive counseling had failed to heal many of the deep emotional wounds caused by the event, the University of California at Berkeley is now offering assisted suicide to students threatened by conservative journalist Ben Shapiro’s scheduled talk. “No student should ever feel threatened, harassed, or the least bit uncomfortable by being exposed to controversial or offensive ideas,”...
A Californian vegan discovered the bloody truth about his supposed ‘Muslim friends’ when they invited him to join them in celebrating the Sacrifice Feast. Though they were aware of his vegan background, they mistakenly hoped their friendship and his belief in tolerance and equality would prevail over his vegan ideology. Dinner went smoothly until the second course when the vegan...
Saying that Islamic State caused “lasting damage” to the global jihadi movement, al Qaeda chief Ayman al-Zawahiri has unloaded on his ISIS counterparts in a new memoir. “Everything that we did, ISIS just kept trying to one-up us,” Zawahiri complains in the book. “We proposed declaring a caliphate once we unite the lands of Islam, and they said ‘Well, we’ll...
In the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey, Houston residents have received help from an unlikely source. While a media frenzy developed over Pastor Joel Osteen’s refusing to open the doors of his mega church to flood victims, the assistance that Al-Qaeda was giving went unnoticed. Under the radar and without delay, Al-Qaeda opened the doors to its huge training and recruitment...
Somewhere in Ohio – Djali stands quietly in a grassy field, adjacent to her small house. She stares at the horizon, says nothing, breaking the stillness only to reach down to half-heartedly tug at the browning grass. This is because Djali is a former ISIS sex slave who was freed during the liberation of Mosul. After being taken in by...
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has instructed lawyers to commence legal action against the state of Texas. A letter sent to Governor Greg Abbott outlines the case, “Our client objects to your attempts to take on the mantle of the birthplace of the ‘end of days’ with your so-called ‘biblical’ flood. It is a well-established fact that the end of...
The Dictators’ Wives Club announced today that Melania Trump will be inducted at its next meeting. This is a historic event as the USA has never been represented in the elite group. When asked what prompted the decision a spokesperson commented, “President Trump felt he was losing ground as an aspiring dictator and begged us to let her in. He...
Following North Korea’s recent launch of a missile over northern Japan, Iranian generals have noted to reporters that they are jealous that the ‘Hermit Kingdom’ has begun taking such dramatic action. As tensions soar between North Korea and the US, many of them noted that they were experiencing extreme feelings of ‘FOMO,’ and began to question why their country had...
