Politics

Crazy Uncle Thinks “Jews Could Learn a Thing or Two” from Paris Terrorists

Crazy Uncle Thinks “Jews Could Learn a Thing or Two” from Paris Terrorists

Following the slaughter in Paris, the Stein family’s dinner table was brought to silence when Mrs Stein’s brother, Uncle Mike, explained that “we Jews could learn a thing or two” from those who carried out this act of murder. As his relations looked on in dumb humiliation, Uncle Mike continued, “look, I don’t condone what those terrorists did, but do you think that the New York Times would be so terrible on Israel if a few bad ass Jew boys...

Arab States Warn Citizens Abroad to Beware “Zionist Selfie-Aggression”

Arab States Warn Citizens Abroad to Beware “Zionist Selfie-Aggression”

Iraq today joined the growing list of Arab states warning their citizens about what Foreign Minister Ta-kka Uptabum described as “ongoing Zionist selfie aggression.” “When that monster, Doron Matalon, viciously attacked poor Saly Greige with her iPhone camera, we knew that the Zionists had opened another front in our almost 70 year old war.” Lebanese Ms Universe contestant, Greige, received death threats after Israeli contestant, Matalon, posted a selfie of the two women on Instagram. Reports poured in of other...

Iranian Government to Broadcast Commercial during Super Bowl 2015

Iranian Government to Broadcast Commercial during Super Bowl 2015

Super Bowl commercials for 2015 have been rolling out ahead of the big game on Sunday and, surprisingly, an ad by the Islamic Republic of Iran promoting the lifting of all sanctions against the country is generating some serious buzz. Produced by Iran’s Ministry of Barely Existent Tourism, the spot compares the increasingly moderate policies of the government in Tehran with a sex change operation. Farouk Ford Kashani, who directed the 30-second broadcast, describes it as “featuring a drop dead...

Iran Marks 70th Anniversary of the Not Liberation of Auschwitz

Iran Marks 70th Anniversary of the Not Liberation of Auschwitz

As the rest of the world marked the 70th anniversary of the liberation of the largest Nazi concentration camp, the Iranian government took the occasion to acknowledge a different event. “As all reasonable people now admit, the Holocaust is a hoax perpetuated by the Zionist regime. Because of this fact, we are celebrating the 70th anniversary of the Auschwitz ‘concentration camp’ not being liberated by Allied forces, The Mideast Beast was told by the ambassador of Islamic Republic of Iran to...

Raqqa, Syria twins with President Obama’s US birthplace

Raqqa, Syria twins with President Obama’s US birthplace

In a move aimed at bringing greater understanding between their communities, the mayors of Raqqa, Syria and Honolulu, Hawaii have announced that the two cities will be twinned. Speaking at separate ceremonies in the two locations because of last minute visa difficulties, the two mayors said that the twinning arrangement would allow for greater cultural awareness between the two communities leading to school ‘exchange programs’ in order to foster understanding. Mustafa Gud’tym, mayor of Raqqa stated: “We are proud to...

Cartoonists Riot in Revenge Attack

Cartoonists Riot in Revenge Attack

Satirical cartoonist gangs yesterday rioted across Europe through Muslim neighborhoods in an apparent revenge attacks. At press time, 43 Muslims were reported dead, 110 injured, and an uncounted number viciously lampooned. Muslim leaders and politicians called on cartoonists to condemn the rioters. “If satirical cartoonists wish to live in Britain, they must integrate into British civilization,” declared Prime Minister David Cameron, a tight ass and prime target for satire. Several commentators thought this issue arises in a troubling time for...

France Declares, “It is Time for the Normans to Come Home”

France Declares, “It is Time for the Normans to Come Home”

In a move surprising both for its timeliness and its lack of hypocrisy, France today declared that it is time for the Normans to return to Normandy. “Look it’s been a great run. Really, we planned on holding the announcement another 51 years for the 1000 year anniversary, but it is time to end the illegal occupation of our Anglo-Saxon neighbors. Normans! Come home! Response in Great Britain to the request proved surprisingly mixed. “I don’t speak French, but I...

Miss America Faces Criticism for Selfie with Miss Taliban

Miss America Faces Criticism for Selfie with Miss Taliban

Following the uproar surrounding her photo at the Miss Universe Pageant, Miss America told The Israeli Daily that she did not mean to pose with Miss Taliban and was simply taking a picture with several other models when the Taliban’s representative jumped into the frame. “I was posing for a nice picture with my good friends – Miss Saudi Arabia, Miss Pakistan and Miss Northern Alliance – when out of nowhere Miss Taliban comes from behind and yells ‘photobomb!'” Miss...

Saudis learn lessons from Vatican in leadership change

Saudis learn lessons from Vatican in leadership change

The Saudi Royal Court said today that it had been taking advice from Vatican officials in how to handle transition in a gerontocracy (a government run by old farts). The sad news of the demise of 90’ish King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz‎ was quickly followed by the pronouncement that he will be succeeded by his spritely 79-year old half-brother Salman. A high ranking courtier told The Israeli Daily‎, “we’d kind of been thinking King Abdullah wouldn’t last much longer and we...

Israel Calls Sweden for Heart-To-Heart

Israel Calls Sweden for Heart-To-Heart

Israel phoned Sweden to express his hurt that the Nordic hunk had recognized its errant neighbor Palestine. The Zionist homeland commented, “well at first when I heard the news I was like, whoa dude, not cool! What have I ever done to piss off the Scandinavians? Just at my birthday in May I was belting out the Abba hits on the Karaoke. For some reason I always finish with ‘Dancing Queen”, don’t know why.” “However after the initial shock wore...

World sends strong message at Paris Unity Rally: Terror against White, Christian Westerners will not be tolerated

World sends strong message at Paris Unity Rally: Terror against White, Christian Westerners will not be tolerated

In the wake of the Charlie Hebdo attacks, leaders from around the world have come together in a rare act of unity to send a message to terrorists around the world: Terrorism, in any shape or form, will simply not be tolerated when perpetrated against White, Christian, Westerners. “These last several weeks have been eye opening,” Secretary State John Kerry said in a press conference as James Taylor awkwardly played ‘You’ve Got a Friend’ on a microphone that looked uncomfortably low...

Hezbollah Leaders Flee Syria, Photobomb Milan Fashion Week

Hezbollah Leaders Flee Syria, Photobomb Milan Fashion Week

Following an alleged Israeli attack that killed five members of Hezbollah operating out of Syria, dozens of the Islamist militant group’s senior members have reportedly fled to this season’s catwalks at Milan Fashion Week 2015. Jalal Jaffer, a high ranking Hezbollah operative, photobombed a selfie taken by Paris Hilton with rapper Snoop Dogg backstage at the Philipp Plein show. “His first collection of vintage military jackets, which he embroidered with Swarovski skulls, inspired me to quit my online tutoring job and...

Exclusive Interview with Israel; “I Am Ready to Become ‘the Jewish State'”

Exclusive Interview with Israel; “I Am Ready to Become ‘the Jewish State'”

After 66 years of testing the waters, the ‘Dionysus of the Mediterranean’, also known as Israel, has decided to officially convert to Judaism and nickname himself, ‘The Jewish State’. The Mideast Beast managed to have a face-to-face with Israel while he partied like a rock star for his 67th Hanukkah celebration this past December. “For me, it all comes down to tenacity. I’ve experienced the Romans, Greeks, Ottomans, and many more over the past few thousand years. The Jews have simply been...

Al-Baghdadi to Leave Iraq and Relocate ISIS to Birmingham, England

Al-Baghdadi to Leave Iraq and Relocate ISIS to Birmingham, England

Following a Fox News report revealing that the British city of Birmingham has rid itself completely of infidels, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced the Islamic caliphate will be moved from Iraq to the United Kingdom. “I thought the success of the Islamic State was revolutionary, rivaled only by the age of the Prophet Muhammad and his companions,” al-Baghdadi told The Israeli Daily. “Now I learn that the British have created an even purer society in the heart of the...

Russia to change Christmas to May

Russia to change Christmas to May

The Russian Orthodox Church announced this week that it was evaluating a proposal to move the date of Christmas from 7 January to 15 May. Officials cited increased issues with access to holy sites in the Middle East around the December/January time frame. In a statement from Patriach Kirill’s office the church stated, “we will be undertaking a consultation with the faithful about moving the birth of Jesus to 15 May in order to give us more access to sites...

Orthodox Israeli Newspaper Likes a Girl

Orthodox Israeli Newspaper Likes a Girl

Orthodox Newspaper The Announcer has developed a bit of a crush on Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt. The adolescent media outlet was reportedly being made to feel ‘all funny down there’ by the blond beauty, after being caught cropping her from photographs of the Paris unity march for Charlie Hebdo this week. The spotty periodical commented, “I don’t want to talk about it, get out of my room! Girls are smelly and weird. Meir Porush and me are just going...

Arab Leaders Attend Massive Rally in Qatar to Protest Plummeting Oil Prices

Arab Leaders Attend Massive Rally in Qatar to Protest Plummeting Oil Prices

Close to a million emirs, sheikhs, princes, sultans and other assorted royals walked arm in arm through Qatar’s capital city of Doha in an unprecedented display to pay tribute to the victims of the dramatic drop in oil prices. Prince Karam Abu Kassab, Qatar’s Assistant Minister of Transport, reflected the anguish felt by many protesters: “I had to let two of my longest serving concubines go. If US crude oil drops below $46.00 a barrel, the bank will foreclose on...

English city’s embargo of Israel foiled by lack of things they want

English city’s embargo of Israel foiled by lack of things they want

The upcoming embargo of the Eastern Mediterranean party country (also known as Israel) has been wrecked from the start by a lack of things they would actually ever want. The call by professional despot groupie George Galloway for the Northern English city to become “Israel Free” has been greeted by widespread shoulder shrugging and excessive “huh’s?” across the sun drenched Jewish homeland. Aging amateur lounge lizard Tomer Kaplan remarked, “Bradford? That’s the place where they let the fat chicks into...

Qatar Appeals for Help in Attracting Service Professionals for World Cup

Qatar Appeals for Help in Attracting Service Professionals for World Cup

Restored diplomatic ties in the Gulf have allowed Qatar to put in a delicate request for aid with neighbour the UAE The Mideast Beast has learnt. Speaking on condition of anonymity a high-ranking Qatari official told TMB that the country was requesting aid in securing an important service for the upcoming Soccer World Cup. “After a ‘lessons learned’ briefing from officials that attended the world cup in Brazil we have recognised that the oldest profession in the world is integral to the...

Autobots and Decepticons Praise OPEC Decision Not To Artificially Raise Price of Oil

Autobots and Decepticons Praise OPEC Decision Not To Artificially Raise Price of Oil

In a rare instance of fraternity, this week the Autobots and the Decepticons issued a joint statement expressing joy at the decision by the oil titan, OPEC, not to reduce production in order to raise oil prices. The two groups are normally known to be bitter rivals, but decided to issue the statement as a unified group due to its importance. The announcement made known that the two groups, “… as former citizens of the planet Cybertron would like to...