Politics

Report: Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, is pregnant with the Messiah

Report: Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, is pregnant with the Messiah

Addressing the crowds from above the clouds, in a loud, booming voice, God, looking pretty proud of himself, announced that Kate had conceived the child naturally and not via Immaculate Conception, which he dismissed as ‘an absolute load of bollocks’: ‘There’s no such thing as an ‘Immaculate Conception’. Who ever made that shit up had some pretty fucked ideas about sex. The truth is, I’m probably the only one man to knock up Kate. Then I thought, since I was...

ISIS beginning to think the ‘Stop the War’ Coalition is just a bit weird

ISIS beginning to think the ‘Stop the War’ Coalition is just a bit weird

  Following demonstrations at the NATO summit in Wales by the Stop the War Coalition, ISIS spokesman Ali al-daziz has confided that they are not sure what to make of them, “On the one hand, all respect to them as they seem to hate the great Satan America more than we do. Abet with not as much sword-waving action. So that we like. On the other hand they seem to be cool with Putin and think that the West is being a...

El Al to operate first entirely kosher plane

El Al to operate first entirely kosher plane

In an important announcement from El Al earlier today, Israel’s national airline broke the news that they will soon be operating the world’s first entirely kosher airplane. In a move that delighted the ultra-Orthodox Jewish community and confused pretty much everyone else, the airline’s press conference overran by half an hour while a spokesman explained just what a ‘fully kosher’ airplane would entail. The Israeli Daily can now reveal (after some carefully drawn diagrams and arm-waving explanations from El Al...

Israel cannot name sixth submarine

Israel cannot name sixth submarine

A serious row has broken out in the upper echelons of the Israeli Navy, over the name of their 6th German built U-boat. The current names, Dolphin, Whale, Crocodile, Revival, and Splendour may all soon be joined by Duck-Bill Platypus or Manatee. “I refuse to command a ship named after something with a permanent smile on it’s face” said Yossi “the Shark” Kaplinski, Israel’s highest scoring U-boat ace with 16-tons of shipping sunk, fifteen of which was accounted for in...

Bomb Shelter, Bomb Shells!

Bomb Shelter, Bomb Shells!

With the recent upsurge in rocket fire thanks to Switzerland-by-the-Sea, Israelis living in the South have taken to using their bomb shelters, which has displaced their normal residents. “This shit is getting ridiculous. There’s almost no where to smoke and have sex with my boyfriend” complained an anonymous 12-year-old girl from Sderot. “It’s really unfair.”
 “Yea, it’s terrible,” complained Mohamed Al-Latif. “I was growing some herbal medicine plants in the local shelter and all the Jews came and smoked it...

Governor Jay Nixon calls on IDF

Governor Jay Nixon calls on IDF

Dissatisfied with the performance of the National Guard, Governor Jay Nixon calls on the IDF to “bring order to the chaos” in Ferguson. As violence in Ferguson spirals out of control, Missouri Governor Jay Nixon is calling for help from an unlikely source: Benjamin Netanyahu, the Full-Time Israeli Prime Minister and part-time over-50s Gap Model. The Governor spoke before a press conference on the embattled streets of the Missouri city. “When shit gets real, you really need to bring your...

Hamas gives Ultimatum on Airport via Instagram

Hamas gives Ultimatum on Airport via Instagram

Day 44 Since the collapse of the peace talks in Cairo, Hamas made an announcement via Instagram video of their latest request, followed by a threat. In poor Hebrew and using the 1977 filter, Hamas operatives stated “If we don’t get the 100 million NIS airport with a complete water park, KFC, and the nice security line that doesn’t make you take your shoes off, we will target Ben Gurion Aiport”. The caption was “We won’t stop until we get...

Snowden reveals ‘Galloway’

Snowden reveals ‘Galloway’

Edward Snowden has recently revealed that a Mossad spy has infiltrated into Muslim groups in the UK. Little is known about the shadowy figure that is believed to have been recruited in Scotland about 30 years ago, and goes only by the code name ‘Galloway’. “Ya Allah! This is so like 24!” said Abdul Abdul, spokesman for the West and East Yorkshire Global Jihad Co-operative and The Local Ferret Breeders Association. “We’re a typical tightly knit of group of West...

Brave raiders fail in UK supermarket objective

Brave raiders fail in UK supermarket objective

In an incredible act of bravery approximately 100 British citizens protesting the recent war in Gaza raided a supermarket, and they did what no one thought was humanly possible: they removed items from shelves. One aging onlooker noted, “I mean, you hear stories about people doing brave and heroic things, you know like in war, but you rarely get to witness it. The way that some of the protestors grabbed things like fruit and pepper without dropping them…that’s bravery-medal material....