Politics

Citi Group, Goldman Sachs, & JP Morgan Chase Launch Bid to Acquire Elders of Zion

Citi Group, Goldman Sachs, & JP Morgan Chase Launch Bid to Acquire Elders of Zion

In a move sure to shake up the shadowy realm of our dark overlords, rumors abound that upstarts Citi Group, Goldman Sachs, & JP Morgan Chase yesterday launched a bid to acquire The Elders of Zion, long one of the most respected brands among sinister secret societies. Reactions to the rumored move have been decidedly mixed. “All show,” declared senior analyst Al R. Thralls. “Sure, everybody knows that the Elders were amazing back in the day, but seriously? Citi, et al....

Israel has bad feeling it didn’t call Baroness Warsi after that one night…

Israel has bad feeling it didn’t call Baroness Warsi after that one night…

Israel is coming to terms with the fact that not calling Baroness Warsi after that drunken night at the “Rock for Peace” concert in Berlin last summer was a mistake. “Look I’m a little hazy about the whole thing,” admitted the Jewish Homeland. “Me and the Ivory Coast were just chilling in the VIP room and this delegation from the House of Lords rocked up. They were all pretty wasted already and this one chick asked me to guess what she...

American Film Industry Honors North Korean Dictator After Series of Threats

American Film Industry Honors North Korean Dictator After Series of Threats

Following the latest anonymous security threat, American movie studios have agreed to air a brief tribute to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un before all screenings of major motion pictures. “In the interest of the safety and welfare of our moviegoers, all films will now begin with a quick video praising Mr. Kim and his enlightened rule,” said a spokesman for Sony Pictures, adding that the 45-minute video would include a montage of various American historical figures bowing down before...

Academics: Eddie Vedder’s comments (once again) unclear

Academics: Eddie Vedder’s comments (once again) unclear

On July 11 in England, Pearl Jam’s front man, Eddie Vedder, went on (another) tangent that (again) was unclear. This time, in the middle of a concert, he cried (again), “They’re looking for a reason to go across borders and take over land that doesn’t belong to them, and they should get the fuck out, mind their own fucking business.” A large number of people immediately linked the comment to Israel and Palestine and quickly labeled Vedder as “anti-Israel”. However,...

“Frozen” out in Iran

“Frozen” out in Iran

Clerics in Iran have issued a fatwa proclaiming the Disney film Frozen as the greatest danger to Islam since Salman Rushdie. At a press conference in Tehran the head of the Islamic Film Unit, Mullah Farsi Akhtar, explained the concerns. “I came home from a hard day banning indecent films such as 22 Jump Street only to find my nine year old niece watching a dubbed version of Frozen on her laptop,” he stated. “At first it just seemed like...

Hamas to EU: Put us back on terrorism blacklist immediately

Hamas to EU: Put us back on terrorism blacklist immediately

In a move that will result in a collective boner for terror organizations around the world, the EU has removed Hamas from its terror organization blacklist. To add insult to injury, Egypt, a long time foe of Hamas, has recently done the same. However, it appears that Hamas is quite dispirited with the EU’s move. “When we filed our appeal we knew that the EU was feeling down because of so many ongoing issues; from the deteriorating euro zone economy...

Iranian Nuclear Talks Stall Over Demand that Americans Convert to Islam

Iranian Nuclear Talks Stall Over Demand that Americans Convert to Islam

Negotiations between the US and Iran have stalled over Iran’s demand that America forcibly convert each of its 316 million citizens to Shia Islam. “We’ve been making tremendous progress but Ayatollah Khamenei’s insistence that we adopt strict Sharia Law, while understandable, has been a sticking point,” John Kerry admitted. “I believe, however, that if Allah wills it a deal can still be reached.” The expected deal would see all sanctions against Iran lifted and normal relations established in exchange for...

EU Removes Hamas from Terrorist Blacklist, Adds Billy Joel

EU Removes Hamas from Terrorist Blacklist, Adds Billy Joel

The European Court of Justice has removed Hamas from its blacklist of terrorist organizations while adding millions of individuals around the world to it. According to the Luxembourg-based court’s ruling, “Hamas is rough around the edges, no doubt, but those green bandanas are bang on trend. By laying the smack down on this one rascally group of dashing, daring pranksters, the court has done little to prosecute far greater cultural offenders.” With Hamas no longer a focal point, the EU...

Netanyahu: ‘Winter Is Coming’

Netanyahu: ‘Winter Is Coming’

Aides of Benjamin Netanyahu expressed frustration this week at the PM’s new habit of quoting Game of Thrones in official government communications. Aides say they noticed something was off when Netanyahu called a press conference to discuss the recent breakdown in the coalition government and concluded with: “Prepare, my friends, winter is coming.” Reports indicate this all began when the Mossad hacked Khaled Mashal’s computer and obtained his HBOGo account credentials, which were presented to the PM in an intelligence...

Special Report: Scientology, Israeli elections, the Middle East, and world domination

Special Report: Scientology, Israeli elections, the Middle East, and world domination

The decision for early Israeli parliamentary elections follows a drunken argument at a secret, orgiastic ceremony last week. It is rumored that Tom Cruise might have presided as High Priest at the Scientology Center in Tel Aviv. A number of top Israeli politicians fought over who should first have sex with Yuvalit Abramovich, a one time transgender soap opera actor-turned Scientology volunteer, who has since been reported missing. Given that an ISIS recruitment video was found on her computer, no...

New Jersey Man Arrested After Hamas Leader is Found Using His HBOGo Account

New Jersey Man Arrested After Hamas Leader is Found Using His HBOGo Account

27-year-old New Jersey native, Tony Marini, was taken into custody by the FBI earlier today under suspicion of connections to the terrorist organization, Hamas. Marini has been denying the association since his arrest. The connection in question? Marini’s HBOGo account. A months-long FBI sting uncovered the fact that Hamas leader, Khaled Mashal, has been watching Game of Thrones via Marini’s account. RELATED: Hamas to be the first to explore new galaxy “I don’t know how that happened!” exclaims Marini from...

Special Report: Netanyahu to seek political asylum in the U.S.

Special Report: Netanyahu to seek political asylum in the U.S.

Following his decision last week to dissolve the government, leading to new elections in March 2015, Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu has applied for political asylum in the United States. Bibi, who last week accused the Finance Minister of an attempted coup, now says he is no longer safe in Israel. “Look, you’re not paranoid if people are out to get you,” Netanyahu noted. “I’ve managed to piss off all 120 Members of Parliament and eight million Israeli citizens, give...

Netanyahu Determined to Replicate American Voter Apathy in Israeli Elections

Netanyahu Determined to Replicate American Voter Apathy in Israeli Elections

It’s election time in Israel again, and Benjamin Netanyahu is hoping to replicate the recent US elections, where only a third of the electorate participated. Netanyahu’s political advisors are white boarding strategies to replicate the same voter apathy in Israel, an apparent silver-bullet for winning elections for conservatives. “We currently get about 70% voter participation,” Netanyahu said. “That’s way too high. Israel attracts voters from across the political spectrum, and that’s our problem. Most Americans seem to have just given...

Ashton Kutcher Nominated as Secretary of Defense Due to Clerical Error

Ashton Kutcher Nominated as Secretary of Defense Due to Clerical Error

Ashton Kutcher was accidentally nominated U.S. Secretary of Defense yesterday as the result of a White House back-office mistake. The nomination was supposed to go to Pentagon veteran Ashton Carter, but a low-level white house intern added Kutcher’s name instead. “What kind of parents name their kid Ashton?” the intern asked. “Who would’ve thought there were actually two Ashtons in the world, let a lone one serious enough to run the Department of Defense.” Republicans jumped on the announcement, with...

Sex rites under Temple Mount bring hopes for peace

Sex rites under Temple Mount bring hopes for peace

While violent protests continue to flare up on the Temple Mount, 20 metres below in the Western Wall Tunnels, a secret group of Jews and Palestinians are engaging in late night candle lit tantric sex rites, while all of the really angry people are fast asleep. Emanuel Metuach, the controversial leader of the group, explained in an ecstatic voice; “Here we are uniting Jehova and Allah, into Jehovallah, and this is the name we call out when we climax, though...

United Nations Recognizes Independence of Ferguson, Missouri

United Nations Recognizes Independence of Ferguson, Missouri

In response to the ongoing series of protests and civil disorder the United Nations has drafted a resolution acknowledging the sovereignty of Ferguson, Missouri. “We used to kick ass and take names. But over the last few months, the United Nations has become like the smart, quiet chick in high school. Lots to say but no one’s listening since she’s not screwing the quarterback,” UN Spokesperson Hans Rapp stated in response to the quickly drafted declaration of Ferguson’s independence. RELATED: Mel Gibson Appointed...

Iran Nuclear Talks Abandoned as a Result of ABBA Concert

Iran Nuclear Talks Abandoned as a Result of ABBA Concert

Hard partying senior level diplomats in Vienna have brought the Iranian nuclear talks to a screeching halt. An outbreak of laryngitis has been diagnosed as causing the sudden derailment of negotiations over Iran’s atomic ambitions. On Saturday night, British Foreign Secretary Philip Hammond and French Foreign Minister Laurent Fabius were seen slam dancing during ’80s night at Fledermaus, one of Vienna’s hottest nightclubs. Fabius was last heard yelling “Hey Phil, wake me up before you go-go!” before passing out in...

‘Silent intifada’ stems from ‘micro-penis’ complex

‘Silent intifada’ stems from ‘micro-penis’ complex

A recent study from the Hebrew University in Jerusalem has found that the ongoing ‘silent Intifada’ is a direct result of Palestinian leaders’ so-called ‘micro-penis complex’. The study’s head researcher Dr. Avi Cohen explained; “There is nothing more phallic than terror attacks, you know, apart from actual penises. Stabbing at something and exploding onto or into people are both highly sexually symbolic. We would assume someone commanding others to commit these sorts of attacks in such volume is obviously overcompensating...

Netanyahu Proposes Compromise Bill Declaring “Israel the Nation State of Falafel”

Netanyahu Proposes Compromise Bill Declaring “Israel the Nation State of Falafel”

Following the row in his coalition around the ‘Jewish State Bill’ that would have placed Israel’s status as a Jewish State ahead of its commitment to democracy, Prime Minister Netanyahu hoped to lessen tensions with a Bill making Israel the Nation State of Falafel.  “Falafel is the national food of Israel and of the Jewish people.  It is our unifying symbol, and it’s delicious.  Let all Israelis stand with me in support of fried balls as the heritage of the...

Ferguson Police taking tactical tips from ISIS?

Ferguson Police taking tactical tips from ISIS?

A rumored Snowden leak details the Ferguson Police Department’s inability to actually carry out the whole policing thing, and points out that they are drawing tactical inspiration from ISIS to handle the situation because “they just can’t deal.” Speaking to The Mideast Beast’s Chris Peacock, the Ferguson Chief of Police stated, “This just got out of hand really quickly; one moment we were carrying out low level racial profiling, the next we’re knee deep in a ‘Southern Fried Intifada’. The...