Politics

Killing for Your God Totally Reasonable, According to Recent Study

Killing for Your God Totally Reasonable, According to Recent Study

In the wake of another heroic murderous onslaught by three totally brave and noble guys at the French satirical magazine, Charlie Hebdo, a new study has brought exciting new data to light. Killing on behalf of your beliefs is, in fact, totally cool. Not all religious people are extremists, but even those that are, are totally stand-up citizens, and we totally respect their life choices! And if you’re not currently killing on behalf of your God, you should totally examine...

Abbas to Resign as PA President, Will Relocate to International Space Station

Abbas to Resign as PA President, Will Relocate to International Space Station

Mahmoud Abbas shocked the world early Wednesday morning by announcing his intention to step down as Palestinian Authority President in six weeks’ time and join the International Space Station (ISS) habitable artificial satellite. “My prostate’s the size of a melon. Zero gravity will help with the swelling,” the Palestinian statesman said after the UN Security Council rejected a resolution on ending the Israeli occupation earlier in the week. While other crewmembers are conducting experiments in biology, human biology, physics, astronomy and meteorology, Abbas plans to “close my...

Politician Sucks up to Ultra-Orthodox Rabbis on Sucking-Circumcisions

Politician Sucks up to Ultra-Orthodox Rabbis on Sucking-Circumcisions

In a move that fulfilled a campaign promise – and made near every person who heard about it either hurl or say “WTF!?!?!” – NYC Mayor, Bill de Blasio is moving forward with abolishing the requirement to warn about possible disease transmission when, as part of some Bris (Jewish covenant of circumcision), a crazy ultra-orthodox rabbis goes totally vampire and sucks the blood out of the baby’s penis. You read that right: Suck. Blood. Penis. Now you’re thinking, “didn’t y’all publish ‘Christian Baby...

Bibi Blames Escaped Evil Twin, Gribi, For Harsh Election Statements

Bibi Blames Escaped Evil Twin, Gribi, For Harsh Election Statements

Netanyahu’s spokesman today revealed that comments made in the lead up to Israel’s recent election regarding Arab voters and blocking a Palestinian state, were in fact made by Bibi’s previously unknown evil twin, Gribi. “The Netanyahu family doesn’t like to speak about Gribi.  He’s their dark secret.  They realized Gribi’s evil nature after the boys were born and locked him away.”  Gribi apparently escaped his cell shortly after the Prime Minister returned from addressing Congress.  Drugging Bibi, Gribi left Bibi...

Israel Begins Construction of Glass Houses in Attempt to Discourage Stone Throwing

Israel Begins Construction of Glass Houses in Attempt to Discourage Stone Throwing

This week Israel announced that it will begin to build glass houses for Palestinians in the hopes that the delicate domiciles will discourage the stone-throwing that has become a staple of clashes with Israeli police. “The throwing of rocks at our security forces has reached unacceptable levels,” a high-ranking Israeli intelligence official announced earlier today. “Look, it’s a well known phrase, ‘people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.’ So that’s the strategy we’re pursuing.” The process of moving Palestinians into...

Assad Admits he ‘Overcompensates’ for his Father’s Belief that He’d Never Amount to Much of a Mass Murderer

Assad Admits he ‘Overcompensates’ for his Father’s Belief that He’d Never Amount to Much of a Mass Murderer

In a wide-ranging interview with The Mideast Beast, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad admitted that he likely ‘overcompensates’ for his father Hafez Assad’s opinion that he wasn’t up to succeeding in the family business. “My father was a very competitive man. Self made. Really liked to murder people with his own hands. So you can imagine what that was like growing up: everyday he’s talking about our neighbor’s kids’ accomplishments. ‘Did you hear Qusay’s crushed another rebellion?’ Or ‘Uday made those...

Netanyahu Blasts Obama and The Media for Taking His Stated Political Positions Seriously

Netanyahu Blasts Obama and The Media for Taking His Stated Political Positions Seriously

After clarifying that his pre-election promise to never allow a Palestinian state in no way meant he wasn’t committed to the creation of a Palestinian state, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu lashed out at President Obama and the international media for implying that his public statements in some way reflected his genuine political positions. “I am disturbed and angered to learn that a private conversation between me and my base has been disseminated through several news sites under the guise...

Abbas Partying Hard at News of Netanyahu Victory

Abbas Partying Hard at News of Netanyahu Victory

79-year-old Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas danced on his desk in a drunken frenzy, sources told TID, after learning of Bibi Netanyahu’s success in the recent Israeli elections. “We were really worried,” said one aide who asked not to be named. “I mean a guy that old. He could fall and break his hip. We begged him to get down, but he kept just screaming that we should get him another Henessy. Then he’s screaming ‘and chicks! I need chicks!’ Like...

Must try diplomacy with ISIS, says Iranian President; world cues violins

Must try diplomacy with ISIS, says Iranian President; world cues violins

Iranian president, Hassan Rouhani, recently called for a diplomatic solution to the Middle East’s most recent problem: guys particularly keen on unhooking people’s heads from their bodies. One observer was left wondering, “Look, I’m all for diplomacy but how exactly am I supposed to negotiate when the guy across the table is looking at my head like it’s an optional extra?” Rouhani also referred to the recent aerial bombardments as more ‘psychological’ than military. An ISIS commander quipped, “More psychological...

Iraqis building new capital city inside Iran

Iraqis building new capital city inside Iran

The Iraqi government has announced plans to build a new capital to the east of the present one, Baghdad. The new city, to be named Shangri Mullah, will be located inside the Iranian capital, Tehran (image above). “The Islamic Republic of Iran fully supports Iraq’s territorial integrity. No threats, promises or bribes were involved in the Iraqi government’s decision to set up shop here. We prefer to see the new seat of the Republic of Iraq’s government inside the basement...

Someone’s Super-Excited for the Jeb Bush Reunion Tour

Someone’s Super-Excited for the Jeb Bush Reunion Tour

Jeb Bush’s impending presidential announcement, greeted by yawns from most, has electrified the Neo-Con fanboy community. Fans bid up tickets to Bush’s foreign policy speech, given at the Chicago Council of Global Affairs, to as high as $15. All were desperate to catch a glimpse of a neo-con ‘rockstar,’ and maybe snag an autograph. “I heard Paul Wolfowitz is on board, but I’m hoping for Jon Bolton,” said John Smith, an accountant and devoted fan who camped all night for...

Netanyahu: “I Can’t Make Sure Israel Stays a Democracy Unless You Make Sure I’ve Been in Charge of it For Twenty Percent of its Existence”

Netanyahu: “I Can’t Make Sure Israel Stays a Democracy Unless You Make Sure I’ve Been in Charge of it For Twenty Percent of its Existence”

Today, incumbent Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu made a statement directed at his electorate on the topic of his possible reelection. While most news agencies were focused on the Prime Minister’s apparent renege on his previous commitment to a two state solution with the Palestinians, we were more interested in something he alluded to later on. “I find that the best way to enshrine democracy is to become a de facto monarch,” Netanyahu said in his speech. Netanyahu currently ranks as...

Following Herzog’s Lead, Netanyahu Ends Rotation with Sara

Following Herzog’s Lead, Netanyahu Ends Rotation with Sara

A day after the left-wing Zionist Union camp announced it was abandoning its rotation of Isaac Herzog and Tzipi Livni as prime minister in the event of an election victory, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced he and wife Sara Netanyahu would also drop their rotation should the premier’s party, Likud, prevail in the election. “The rotation between Sara and Bibi has been great for the past six years, with the country’s leadership switching between them each day,” one senior Likud...

Israel to host 2022 Winter Olympics

Israel to host 2022 Winter Olympics

In a surprising turn of events, Israel has been announced as the host of the 2022 Winter Olympics. An IOC spokesperson explained the decision “We at the IOC believe it is important to please everyone, all of the time. Human rights abuses aren’t very nice, are they? We didn’t really like the look of Kazakhstan – we watched ‘Borat’ about 3 times before coming to that decision. And while we all agree that Chinese takeout is the best, we don’t...

Israel PR on Lookout for Hotter, Cooler Pro-Israel Celebrities

Israel PR on Lookout for Hotter, Cooler Pro-Israel Celebrities

Ever since last summer’s armed conflict between Israel and Gazan combatants, Israel continues to lose the media war. A representative from the Defense Ministry’s Department of Mentally Challenged PR said, “It’s unfortunate that the Pro-Palestinian camp has such good looking supporters. People like Mark Ruffalo, Javier Barden, and Penelope Cruz have all come out in support of the Palestinian cause. Then again, they also have Rob Schneider, so maybe that’s they’re way of trying to balance things out. Anyhow, It’s not that we...

Mel Gibson Appointed to United Nations Post

Mel Gibson Appointed to United Nations Post

The United Nations has finally found a successor to Richard Falk for the position of Special Rapporteur for the Palestinian territories, naming actor and director Mel Gibson to the post. “When Richard left the position, we never thought we’d be able to fill his shoes,” a UN source explained to The Israeli Daily. “The guy thinks 9/11 was an inside job and called Khomeini a moderate, where do we find someone like that? But then we saw Passion of the...

Leftist Party’s Gains Imperiled by Release of Chairman’s Workout Mix

Leftist Party’s Gains Imperiled by Release of Chairman’s Workout Mix

Reports that Israel’s leftist Labor Party’s Chairman, Isaac ‘Bougie’ Herzog lost his Apple ipod nano multi-touch weren’t thought to have much impact on Israel’s upcoming elections. Sure, it’s embarrassing – what grown man owns a Nano? – but at least there was no risk of leaked emails or humiliating selfies. That brief relief vanished as the still unidentified finder of Herzog’s Nano began releasing his workout mix, two songs at a time. Chanel 10 was the first to carry the revelation. “We’ve...

#AskHamas is trending… Hamas starts beheading

#AskHamas is trending… Hamas starts beheading

Hamas has executed the head of its twitter feed after claiming he was a ‘Mossad agent.’ In an ironic twist Hamas decided on removing the head’s head as the form of execution, pointing out such a method was ‘bang on trend.’ The decision was made after the bungling media wing of the fun loving terror group had the bright idea of launching the #askhamas campaign in English across social media. “We can’t let people actually know what we’re like!” exclaimed...

Israeli TV Network Looks to Limit Audience Voting in “Elections 2015” Reality Show

Israeli TV Network Looks to Limit Audience Voting in “Elections 2015” Reality Show

As filming continues on the new season of “Elections 2015 – The Search for Israel’s Next Terrible Parliament”, TV executives are mulling a change in the successful reality show’s format. “Elections has always incorporated audience feedback,” said Ray Ting, Head of the station’s Crap Content Development Department, “But we need to consider our planned long-term entertainment slate.” Ray explained: “Election is our flagship reality show and we always look to cross-over the show’s winners into the rest of our light...