Politics

UN Passes Resolution Condemning U.S. Ambassador Nikki Haley

UN Passes Resolution Condemning U.S. Ambassador Nikki Haley

Earlier this week, the UN general assembly passed a non-binding resolution condemning US Ambassador Nikki Haley as a “Debbie Downer”. In interviews with The Mideast Beast, several delegations to the United Nations have complained that the new US Ambassador to the UN is really bringing the mood down with all the talk of “being fair to Israel” and “addressing rampant...

ISIS Taps Roy Moore as ‘Global Envoy for Man-Girl Love’

ISIS Taps Roy Moore as ‘Global Envoy for Man-Girl Love’

Accused pedophile Roy Moore has accepted a position as ‘Global Ambassador for Man-Girl Love’ with the terrorist group ISIS, just days after he was defeated in Alabama’s U.S. Senate special election. Speaking to The Mideast Beast, Moore said: “Clearly, America no longer respects biblical precedents of men having romantic relations with girls. Indeed, the Establishment’s satanic embrace of liberal Marxism...

Israeli and Palestinian Officials Re-enact ‘The Hangover’ Movies for Peacebuilding Initiative
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Israeli and Palestinian Officials Re-enact ‘The Hangover’ Movies for Peacebuilding Initiative

Israeli and Palestinian officials are undertaking new peacebuilding exercises modeled on The Hangover movies as part of a initiative to restart peace talks. “Camp David didn’t produce the breakthrough we wanted. So, we’ve ditched the presidential country retreat and opted for some epic action in Vegas and Bangkok instead. At least when these efforts spectacularly backfire we’ll have had a...

Virgins Hope They Don’t Get Stuck with Loser Times Square Terrorist
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Virgins Hope They Don’t Get Stuck with Loser Times Square Terrorist

Virgins across paradise are praying that Akayed Ullah, who set off a pipe bomb strapped to his chest Monday near New York City’s Times Square, survives his wounds and does not become a martyr after his attack failed to kill any infidels. Since Sharia law dictates that anyone who dies fighting for Islam is awarded 72 virgins, Ullah, who pledged...

In Response to US-Jerusalem Embassy Decision, ISIS Threatens to Open Embassy in Washington

In Response to US-Jerusalem Embassy Decision, ISIS Threatens to Open Embassy in Washington

Following the White House’s decision to move the US Embassy in Israel from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, ISIS has reacted angrily, pledging that it will open embassies “immediately, and in multiple, coordinated locations” in Washington DC. Though ISIS insists any embassy would be solely used for purposes of visa applications, lost passports and hosting the world’s least fun diplomatic parties, the...

US Embassy Staff Riot Over Move to Jerusalem

US Embassy Staff Riot Over Move to Jerusalem

While US President Donald Trump’s decision to recognize Jerusalem as Israel’s capital has yet to ignite the Middle East, the decision has led to protests from embassy staff who complained they had spent months perfecting their “beach bods” for nothing. “[US Secretary of State Rex] Tillerson told me if I went to Israel, I’d be on the beach every day,”...

In Compromise, US Embassy Moves From Tel Aviv to Cyprus

In Compromise, US Embassy Moves From Tel Aviv to Cyprus

In a decision which has thus far pleased absolutely nobody, the United States has moved its embassy from Tel Aviv to Cyprus in what American officials termed “the best compromise we could come up with.” “For decades now, we’ve been telling the Israelis that we’re going to move our embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem”, explained one official. “President Trump...

Saudi Mideast Peace Plan Gives Palestinians State in ‘The Sims’
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Saudi Mideast Peace Plan Gives Palestinians State in ‘The Sims’

Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman and US Mideast envoy Jared Kushner have reached an agreement to end the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, with Israel keeping all its settlement blocs and the Palestinians receiving an independent state in ‘The Sims’ videogame. The deal, according to sources close to the prince, would see Jerusalem recognized as Israel’s capital, all settlements in the West...

Trump Signs Waiver to Move US Embassy in Israel to Jerusalem, New York

Trump Signs Waiver to Move US Embassy in Israel to Jerusalem, New York

WASHINGTON, D.C – The Trump Administration has been weighing the possibility of moving the US embassy in Israel from Tel Aviv to the contested capital of West Jerusalem for some time. However, it now seems President Trump has sidestepped his advisors and signed a waiver which will functionally move the embassy from Tel Aviv to the small town of Jerusalem...

Trump Drinks Poison After His Twitter Account is Shut Down
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Trump Drinks Poison After His Twitter Account is Shut Down

Declaring that he would rather die than see his followers forced to live without his enlightening tweets, US President Donald Trump swallowed a small vile of poison after learning his Twitter account had been deactivated. Trump’s dramatic action took place after the president was rebuked for retweeting anti-Muslim videos posted by a right-wing British activist. When he was unable to...

Journalists to Use Only Made-up Words When reporting stories in Isradooble and West-Shimysham

Journalists to Use Only Made-up Words When reporting stories in Isradooble and West-Shimysham

JERUBBLE TOWN – Journalists have announced that from now on when reporting on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict they will use only made-up words. A CNN journalist explained, “There aren’t any words we can use that won’t offend one side or the other. Call it ‘the security wall’, the BDS-ers whine that we’re undermining the Palestinians. Mention the word ‘occupation’ and the Hasbara...

Palestinian President Abbas finds himself in Machu Picchu

Palestinian President Abbas finds himself in Machu Picchu

The President of the Palestinian Authority, Mahmoud Abbas, is giving himself a “well-deserved break” according to officials and is hiking in the Peruvian mountains around the famous tourist attraction and Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. “I just needed to find myself, man”, Mahmoud Abbas said in a statement. “Like, so much war and bloodshed at home. Why? Like, we’re all human....

ISIS to Suspend UK Attacks to Honor Prince Harry’s Engagement
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ISIS to Suspend UK Attacks to Honor Prince Harry’s Engagement

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has revealed that his organization will suspend all planned attacks on the UK to honor Prince Harry’s engagement to his new fiancée , American actress Meghan Markle. “Monarchy is so irrational, but I can’t help but buy into it. The castles, the crowns, the princesses. I just love it. When it comes to the British...

Hamas Terror Tunnel Project Delays Explained by Big Dig Contractors
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Hamas Terror Tunnel Project Delays Explained by Big Dig Contractors

It has transpired that Hamas’ terror tunnel network project’s numerous setbacks and delays can be explained by the Islamist group using the same contractors who worked on the so-called ‘Big Dig’ project in Boston in the 1990s and 2000s. The planning and development officials who had managed the controversial American highway development had been hired by Hamas in what has...