Mahmoud Abbas shocked the world early Monday morning by announcing his intention to step down as Palestinian Authority President in six weeks’ time and join the International Space Station (ISS) habitable artificial satellite. “My prostate’s the size of a melon. Zero gravity will help with the swelling,” the Palestinian statesman said after the UN Security Council rejected a resolution on ending the...
Today, Israeli agents join the world in commemorating the 20th anniversary of the attacks on September 11, 2001. “I can’t believe it’s been 20 years since we managed to pull off one of the greatest terror attacks in history,” one now-retired Mossad agent told The Mideast Beast. “I remember how difficult it was for us to not only call but...
Former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu began the Jewish New Year in the hospital after attempting to take 5782 shots of liquor – one for each year in the Jewish calendar – in a Rosh Hashanah celebration that soon spun out of control. The former premier – who recently lost his grip on power to the ‘Coalition of Change’ –...
As countries throughout the world try to develop an effective strategy for resuming normal operations amidst the COVID-19 Pandemic (Delta-version), the United States continues to be the epicenter for both the disease and the polarization resulting from it. One popular theory is that Americans can reduce their exposure to new diseases and information by keeping within their social “bubble.” Experts...
In his latest attempt to shift blame for the disastrous withdrawal from Kabul, President Biden claimed at a press conference on Friday that he never would have had to hand the Taliban a hundred Blackhawk helicopters and leave puppies behind on the tarmac had the founder of the Mughal Empire, Muhammad Babur, not attempted to intervene in rural Afghanistan in...
Taliban rule in Afghanistan may soon be coming to an end, as the Afghan House of Representatives has voted to impeach the terror group over a phone call its leader made to Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky. The impeachment inquiry was launched after a transcript of a call between Zelensky and Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar was leaked to the...
A relatively recent survey has found that only one fifth of Europeans polled in a survey of 16 European countries, among them Austria, Belgium, the Czech Republic, France, Germany, the United Kingdom and Poland, believe that a secret network of shifty Jews – the Elders of Zion – controls global political and economic affairs. The findings of the survey caused...
A representative of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman (MBS) announced that the Kingdom will now be slicing off everyone’s hand as if they were thieves. The new policy, however, ensures that both hands will be removed, just as a precaution. The new law is being implemented to tackle handshakes, which can lead to furthering the spread of coronavirus Delta...
In a sign of the Islamist militant group’s growing stature, the Taliban will meet this week with Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to discuss methods of torturing and killing political opponents. With the Taliban now in control of nearly all of Afghanistan, Erdogan said that the time had come to treat the group with the respect it deserves as an...
The rebooted autocorrect on iPhone 12 has been accused of making inflammatory remarks on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The first of many concerns was aired by Neil Rubinstein, who claimed “self-determination for the Jewish people” was corrected to “racism”. When he then asked Siri “what’s the difference between anti-Zionism and anti-Semitism”, she responded that no results were found for anti-Semitism, anywhere...
TEHRAN — Iran’s Grand Ayatollah Ali Khamenei vigorously denied pulling out of Nuclear Talks with the US after being disinvited to former President Barack Obama’s 60th birthday party on Martha’s Vineyard. “That had nothing to do with it,” fumed the fiery spiritual leader, still wearing his ‘Shi’ite Chic’ chocolate chiffon robe and a turban festooned with images of a smiling...
Fed up with Israeli hand-wringing and the world pissing and moaning about a bunch of Jews living in remote and isolated desert areas of the Holy Land, residents and community leaders of a Judean Hills enclave held an emergency meeting to discuss marketing strategies going forward. Rebecca Steinbaum, an outspoken resident, gave The Mideast Beast an earful. “We aren’t Jewish...
BEIRUT – Rocket fire into Israel wasn’t the only news coming out of Lebanon this weekend. Hassan Nasrallah, the leader of Lebanon’s Shiite militant group Hezbollah, is reportedly recovering from radical breast reduction surgery in a secret bunker in the country’s Beqaa Valley. The reduction mammoplasty was performed by Swiss cosmetic surgeons clandestinely flown in to conduct the operation, according to...
JERUSALEM — Archaeologists working underneath the Temple Mount have announced a discovery that could potentially rewrite history faster than a Texas textbook. The team of Muslim archaeologists began work around the Haram esh-Sharif (The Temple Mount) a number of months ago, and it seems they’ve made a once-in-a-lifetime find. “It appears that The Noble Sanctuary was built on top of a much...
Due to Hamas fanning the flames among Palestinians that the Al-Aqsa Mosque, and the whole of Jerusalem, is in danger of being the Judaized by the “fake Jew Zionists”, Israeli Prime Minister Naftali Bennett announced that plans to convert the mosque into a Katz’s Delicatessen have been suspended indefinitely. “After a number of terrorists said their sole reason for firing...
Citizens around the world, especially Israelis and Palestinians, are waking up this morning to the shocking news that not everything going on in the world involves and revolves around their little conflict. International developments for which Israelis and Palestinians have no involvement include: Accelerating the spread of the Delta and Delta Plus Coronavirus variants throughout the world. This apparently was...
RIYADH — While it’s true that foreign unmarried couples are permitted to stay in hotel rooms together in Saudi Arabia, another wildly progressive step for the Kingdom, two years have passed and the ‘move towards modernity’ has yet to be met with the anticipated level of excitement from the international business community. One Western CEO commented, “OK great, now I...
In a surprising turn of events, organizers of the BDS movement (Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions) have announced that the internationally recognized political representative of the Palestinians – the Palestinian Authority (PA) – will become a target of their activities. The BDS movement, originally a place where anti-Semites could hide behind a more civil banner, is dedicated to convincing people, governments,...
In a surprising turn of events, Israel has been announced as the host of the 2022 Winter Olympics. An IOC spokesperson explained the decision “We at the IOC believe it is important to please everyone, all of the time. Human rights abuses aren’t very nice, are they? We didn’t really like the look of Kazakhstan – we watched ‘Borat’ about...
PHOENIX, ARIZONA — Donald Trump has issued a statement acknowledging Joe Biden as the legitimate winner of the 2020 presidential election, with the former president delivering a giant wooden horse (painted in gold color of course) to the US Capitol as a peace offering for good measure. The move came as a surprise to Biden and Congressional leaders, who arrived...
