Politics

Trump Rethinks Iran Sanctions Following Lemon Pound Cake with Chinese President

Trump Rethinks Iran Sanctions Following Lemon Pound Cake with Chinese President

Since before the election, President Trump has been talking a tough game on Iran, calling Obama’s concessions “terrible,” “very bad” and “sad.” However, after enjoying a “phenomenal” slice of lemon pound cake at the Mar-a-Lago resort with Chinese President Xi Jinping, he’s beginning to change his tune. “What’s clear to me, after talking to Xi…I feel like I can call him Xi after today, you know because he’s a very good friend of mine… my very favorite Chinese person and...

Afghans Vow to Free US from Russian Occupation

Afghans Vow to Free US from Russian Occupation

Nearly four decades after Americans helped their country drive out Soviet forces, Afghan leaders have pledged to return the favor by freeing the US from Russia’s grasp. “We will never forget that in 1979, when the Russians overthrew our rulers and installed a puppet government, Americans had our backs,” Taliban Emir Hibatullah Akhundzada told The Mideast Beast. “Now that the shoe is on the other foot, we have a responsibility to act.” On Saturday, Afghan forces set up a headquarters...

Abbas and Netanyahu Engage in Peace Talks over Cold, Refreshing Heineken Lager

Abbas and Netanyahu Engage in Peace Talks over Cold, Refreshing Heineken Lager

Following its successful ad campaign in which people with radically opposing views discuss their differences over a beer, Heineken International has decided to put it to the test on a geopolitical level. On Tuesday, Israeli Prime Minster, Benjamin Netanyahu and Chairman of the PLO, Mahmoud Abbas were seated at opposite ends of a bar, given a puzzle to solve together and rewarded with a six-pack of cold, delicious Heineken beer. Despite the initial awkwardness, the negotiations went surprisingly well.  While...

CIA to Change All Middle Eastern Codenames to “Mohammad”

CIA to Change All Middle Eastern Codenames to “Mohammad”

Following news that Donald Trump shared highly sensitive intel with the Russian ambassador and Russian foreign minister, the CIA has taken emergency steps to protects its assets in the Middle East. Documents leaked this morning via the President’s twitter account show that as of 4 am, all CIA assets in the Middle East were re-assigned the codename ‘Mohammad’. A CIA spokesperson responded to the breaking news by assuring the public that all necessary steps were being taken to protect CIA...

Sisi to Trump: “Improve as Dictator or You’re out of Our Club”

Sisi to Trump: “Improve as Dictator or You’re out of Our Club”

After firing his FBI director, potentially leaking classified information to the Russians, and repeatedly being pilloried for his incompetence by the US and global press, the Egyptian President, and former military coup leader, Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, expressed concern today at what he calls the “abject failure of US President Trump’s attempts at being an effective dictator.” In an announcement to the Egyptian state media, Mr. Sisi called on Mr. Trump to “up his game,” lest he is excluded from future...

White House Leaks: Trump “Pretty Excited” About World War Three

White House Leaks: Trump “Pretty Excited” About World War Three

White House leaks have revealed that the President is currently “pretty satisfied” with the progress being made towards plunging the world into an all-consuming global conflict. He remains open to whether this is a good or a bad thing. In the minutes of a National Security Council that were leaked, National Security Adviser General H.R. McMasters expressed concern that the President seemed “a little too excited” about the possibility of World War III.  At one point, in trying to explain...

ISIS Leader to Trump: ‘Stop Calling Me with Nuclear Codes’

ISIS Leader to Trump: ‘Stop Calling Me with Nuclear Codes’

Saying that he just could not deal with the constant phone calls, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has asked US President Donald Trump to stop calling him at all hours of the night to discuss US state secrets. “At first, I thought it was a tremendous victory that the head of the infidels would call me, unprompted, and tell me about confidential US military missions or which of my fighters is secretly a spy,” the ISIS caliph told The Mideast...

Islamic State: “Can’t Anyone Keep a Damn Secret Anymore?”

Islamic State: “Can’t Anyone Keep a Damn Secret Anymore?”

A spokesman for the Islamic State (IS) has harshly criticized the American President after reports emerged that he had spoilt their latest plot by leaking details to the Russians. “This is really the last straw for us. No one seems to appreciate that we put a lot of effort into these missions and now we’re going to have start all over. And who’s going to be the one to tell Ahmed that he won’t be joining 72 virgins in heaven...

Arab Countries Ask to Borrow US Constitution While Americans Aren’t Using It

Arab Countries Ask to Borrow US Constitution While Americans Aren’t Using It

Promising to return it promptly whenever the US needs it back, a number of Middle Eastern countries have asked President Trump if they can borrow the US Constitution “since you guys clearly aren’t using it right now.” “I read the American Constitution, and it actually isn’t bad,” said one Saudi citizen. “It’s all about the rights of the people, and checks and balances. And there’s nothing about beheading infidels or forcing women to stay at home.” He added, “I’m not...

ISIS Fighters Flee After Announcement That Combat Drones Are Protected by Second Amendment

ISIS Fighters Flee After Announcement That Combat Drones Are Protected by Second Amendment

The United States Supreme Court has ruled that the Second Amendment of the Constitution protects the right of every American to own military combat drones. Following the ruling, many Americans expressed plans to fly their personal hellfire-dispensing machines over Iraq and Syria to help in the fight against ISIS. “We’re going to take the fight to those terrorist bastards,” said Chuck Mason, a citizen of Indiana, in a Facebook post celebrating the court’s decision. “They can keep their damn gihad...

Steve Bannon to Reveal Plans for Jewish-Muslim ‘Relocation’

Steve Bannon to Reveal Plans for Jewish-Muslim ‘Relocation’

President Trump’s chief strategist, Stephen Bannon, has reportedly told aides to draw up plans to round up all Muslims and Jews living in the United States, just as soon as they get the border wall out of the way. Bannon, the executive chairman of the far-right news source Breitbart, has been accused multiple times of making anti-Semitic and anti-Muslim remarks. However, this may be the first instance in which he has stated his explicit intentions to turn thought into action....

Following the Arrest of Entire Turkish Populace, Erdogan Begins Crackdown on Terrestrial Wildlife, Pets

Following the Arrest of Entire Turkish Populace, Erdogan Begins Crackdown on Terrestrial Wildlife, Pets

After months of crackdowns by Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan following last year’s attempted coup, a new effort targeting the nation’s wildlife has been confirmed.  The crackdown comes after the President delivered a report stating that the entire population of Turkey was currently being held in detention centers. As of May 9, over 700 gazelles had been detained by authorities, as well as numerous rabbits and field rodents. While the order included birds, reportedly many have evacuated to neighboring countries, though...

Middle East Breathes Sigh of Relief as Trump Concentrates on China

Middle East Breathes Sigh of Relief as Trump Concentrates on China

The region voted most likely to bring about The End of Days since 1948 breathed easy the other day as President Trump pivoted his Twitter diplomacy in an Asian direction. A Saudi diplomat commented, “For a moment there we thought he was going to start giving us some grief over the oil prices or the cluster fuck of the month that is Yemen. But luckily it appears that he thought it would be more fun to provoke another nuclear power.” Israeli commentator...

Israel Searching for Tiny Chair for Erdogan

Israel Searching for Tiny Chair for Erdogan

Pulling a page out of its diplomatic playbook, Israel’s foreign ministry plans to respond to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s diatribe against the country by forcing the Turkish leader to sit in a tiny chair during his next visit. Officials pointed to the success of a similar measure in 2010, when then-deputy foreign minister Danny Ayalon forced the Turkish ambassador to sit in a low chair in response to a negative portrayal of Israel on Turkish television. The move was...

“Operation Palestone”: IDF to Hand out Free Joints to Would-Be Stabbers

“Operation Palestone”: IDF to Hand out Free Joints to Would-Be Stabbers

RAMALLAH – Vowing to “cannabize counter-terrorism efforts,” the Israel Defense Forces unveiled a highly unorthodox policy today to combat a spate of attacks against its soldiers and civilians. “Every morning, free marijuana joints will be distributed to Palestinians under the age of 30,” said Maj. Gen. Nisan Ya’alon of the IDF Central Command. “By blunting their rage with drug-induced bliss, we aim to prevent them from perpetrating future terror attacks,” Ya’alon said, referring to stabbings and car-rammings carried out by mainly young...

Secret Police Across the Middle East Hold Solidarity Rally for Comey

Secret Police Across the Middle East Hold Solidarity Rally for Comey

In emotional scenes across the Middle East, secret police members came together to support ousted FBI director, and part-time Trump election campaign-enhancer, James B. Comey. In Cairo, one protestor commented, “We’re just here to show solidarity with one of our own. Egypt might have its problems, but we know that if we help keep President el-Sisi in power we can expect nice uniforms, fat pensions, and all the tear gas we could ever use. Loyalty is a two-way street.” The...

ISIS Ends Jihad Against US: Claims “AHCA More Effective Than Us at Killing Americans”

ISIS Ends Jihad Against US: Claims “AHCA More Effective Than Us at Killing Americans”

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi called today for an immediate and indefinite suspension of hostilities against the US and American targets, commenting “there’s no need for us to kill Americans if they can do it better themselves.” “Our goal is to kill and wound as many of the Great Satan’s people as we can,” stated al-Baghdadi. “As we were planning our next attack, we learned that the US House passed the AHCA. Once we read the bill, we had a...

Marwan Barghouti Announces ‘Gluten Strike’ Until Demands Met

Marwan Barghouti Announces ‘Gluten Strike’ Until Demands Met

Backing away from his previous full hunger strike, former Palestinian militant leader Marwan Barghouti has vowed to maintain a completely gluten-free diet until his demands are met. “Until me and my fellow prisoners are either released or given a fair trial, I will abstain from eating any food or beverage products containing gluten,” Barghouti told The Mideast Beast. “If my suffering does not spur the Israeli people to demand justice, then nothing will.” Barghouti, jailed for his role during the Second...

Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”

Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”

RAMALLAH – While smoking a joint decorated in the colors of his nation’s flag, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas announced today that his country will become the first in the Middle East to allow the production, sale and consumption of cannabis. Explaining his surprising decision, Abbas said: “With the tax revenue and skyrocketing export income, we’ll bulldoze the West Bank’s refugee camps and build their long-suffering residents houses that put the red-roofed faux villas of the settlers to shame. We’ll...

Saudi Royals on Recent U.S. Health Care Bill: ‘Well Played, Trump. Well Played.’

Saudi Royals on Recent U.S. Health Care Bill: ‘Well Played, Trump. Well Played.’

Saudi royals have tipped their hats to President Trump following the vote to repeal and replace Obamacare. Their spokesman commented, “Trump may be onto something. Honestly, we’ve always gone for the short-term solution in treating our citizens like shit, such as beheadings every Friday afternoon in Chop-Chop Square. And while we’re way ahead of ISIS in melon-slicing, it’s definitely not a long-term solution to hurting our own people. Now, take away our universal health care system and the long-term results are bound...