Politics

Trudeau to Pay O.J. Simpson $10 Million

Trudeau to Pay O.J. Simpson $10 Million

Saying that his government was “terribly sorry” about the way the former NFL superstar has been treated following his conviction on charges of armed robbery, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has agreed to pay $10 million to O.J. Simpson. “Just like Omar Khadr, O.J. is the true victim,” said Trudeau, referring to the former Guantanamo detainee also given a $10 million payout by the Canadian government. “It is only fair that people arrested and imprisoned for their crimes are rewarded...

UN Passes Resolution Condemning U.S. Ambassador Nikki Haley

UN Passes Resolution Condemning U.S. Ambassador Nikki Haley

Earlier this week, the UN general assembly passed a non-binding resolution condemning US Ambassador Nikki Haley as a “Debbie Downer”. In interviews with The Mideast Beast, several delegations to the United Nations have complained that the new US Ambassador to the UN is really bringing the mood down with all the talk of “being fair to Israel” and “addressing rampant human rights violations in the Middle East” The Syrian Ambassador to the UN explained: “When Samantha Powers first came in,...

Netanyahu: Immediately Repeal IDF; Replace with “Something Great” Later

Netanyahu: Immediately Repeal IDF; Replace with “Something Great” Later

Citing “critical mistakes made in past conflicts,” Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced today his plans to immediately repeal the Israeli Defense Force (IDF) and replace it with “Something Great, probably in a couple of years.” Citing the stance taken by President Trump on healthcare reform he commented, “I looked at the performance of the IDF in the 2014 Gaza War,” and it was apparent to me that the whole thing was awful! I mean, we technically beat the shit...

Trump: ‘Russia Collusion as Real as Syrian Ceasefire Deal’

Trump: ‘Russia Collusion as Real as Syrian Ceasefire Deal’

Responding to reporters regarding his alleged collusion with the Russian government, President Trump responded, “Fake news. All of it. You know these rumors are about as real as the chances of my ceasefire deal in Syria actually working out, right?” A reporter was overheard talking with a colleague, “Wait I’m confused. Okay, so if the Russia collusion isn’t real, the ceasefire isn’t real? But wouldn’t Trump want the ceasefire to work… which means he did collude? We’re screwed either way….”...

Following Trump Jr. Revelation, Elders of Zion Assure Americans They, Not Russia, Behind Election Manipulations

Following Trump Jr. Revelation, Elders of Zion Assure Americans They, Not Russia, Behind Election Manipulations

Following  the news that Donald Trump Jr. met with a Russian lawyer during the 2016 campaign in order to get dirt on Hillary Clinton, The Elders of Zion released a statement today affirming their direct role in shaping the results of the elections. The statement noted that “this whole Russia thing has gotten way out of hand, and we want to assure Americans that the steadying, global hand of world Jewry is still determining your fate – not some corrupt...

Following Resolution on Jerusalem and Hebron, UNESCO Denies “Heaven’s Gate” Connection to Hale-Bopp Comet

Following Resolution on Jerusalem and Hebron, UNESCO Denies “Heaven’s Gate” Connection to Hale-Bopp Comet

Hoping that their decision would help counter charges of antisemitism, UNESCO voted today in favor of a resolution on the Hale-Bopp Comet that leaves out any mention of its connection to the Heaven’s Gate religious group. The vote comes after the organization passed a similar resolution denying any Jewish connection to the Western Wall and Temple Mount in Israel, as well as labeling Hebron an endangered Palestinian heritage site. “Bibi [Netanyahu, Israel’s Prime Minister] keeps bitching about how we are...

Jewish Uncle Shocked to Discover That Not Everything Innovative Comes from Israel

Jewish Uncle Shocked to Discover That Not Everything Innovative Comes from Israel

Uncle Morty was shocked to discover yesterday that countries other than Israel are responsible for recent technological advances. Uncle Morty, who is well known in the family for espousing common quips about Israel such as, “Israel created Instant Messaging” and “Israel has more Nobel Prizes per Capita than the US” is now trying to cope with his new understanding of the world. “He hasn’t taken the news very well,” commented Aunt Ruth. “He’s spent the last hour locked in the...

Eric Trump Begs ISIS for a Meeting

Eric Trump Begs ISIS for a Meeting

Saying that he was determined to prove himself to be the smartest of the president’s children, Eric Trump has released a series of e-mails sent to ISIS leaders begging for a meeting with a senior member of the terror group. “My brother is all over the TV becuz (sic) he got to meeted (sic) with the Russians,” said one e-mail addressed to “Mister Bag Daddy,” an apparent misspelling of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s name. “I have to show dad...

State Department Analyst Really Wishes Jared Kushner Would Stop Texting Him Questions All the Time

State Department Analyst Really Wishes Jared Kushner Would Stop Texting Him Questions All the Time

State Department Near East analyst, Jack Miller, recently entered his own version of hell after Jared Kushner got a hold of his phone number. It all started, at a department briefing for Jared after he was appointed senior advisor to the President and charged with brokering peace between Israelis and Palestinians. After the briefing, Kushner asked Miller for his contact info “in case I have any questions”. That’s when according to Mr. Miller “a non-stop shit storm of questions on...

Ancient Skeleton Discovered ‘Flipping the Bird’ Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance

Ancient Skeleton Discovered ‘Flipping the Bird’ Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance

In perhaps the most apropos discovery in the history of Middle Eastern archaeology,  the bones of a human middle finger, approximately 90,000 years old, were just unearthed at a dig site in Saudi Arabia. “We believe we are being flipped off from the past; we’re talking about millennia after this individual died,” said head of the Saudi Commission for Tourism and National Heritage, Ali Ghabban. “It’s almost as if our ancestors knew then that this area of the world would...

UNESCO Passes Another Resolution against Jews, “Just to See If We Could”

UNESCO Passes Another Resolution against Jews, “Just to See If We Could”

“We just wanted to see if we could”, was the explanation given earlier today by the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization, as it passed yet another resolution claiming a bagel store in West Jerusalem as a Palestinian heritage site. UNESCO has come under heavy fire over the past year for a number of resolutions that deny a historical Jewish connection to parts of the Jewish State, that are about as Jewry as it gets. Last week UNESCO passed...

Let’s Pop Saudi’s Ass Pimple

Let’s Pop Saudi’s Ass Pimple

The Mideast Beast podcasts are now available on iTunes for free! Subscribe now! Be sure to subscribe for free here This week on The Mideast Beast Podcast you’ll get all the info on Qatar, why they imported 4000 cows (no, it’s not beastility), and why they’re getting the boot from other major players in the Middle East. If you don’t have iTunes, check out our Podcast section on the website.  ...

UNESCO Declares Katz’s Deli ‘Palestinian Heritage Site’

UNESCO Declares Katz’s Deli ‘Palestinian Heritage Site’

In yet another blow to the Jewish People, UNESCO has declared Katz’s Delicatessen, a well-known Jewish, kosher-style establishment, a Palestinian world heritage site. “Al-Delicatessen al-Katz is as integral to Islamic history as Mecca, Medina and South Florida,” the resolution states. “Unfortunately, this landmark is threatened by the Zionist De Blasio occupation regime.” The resolution is the latest in a series of moves that some say are aimed at undermining Jewish connection to historical sites by UNESCO. It follows a decision...

Assad Offers Humanitarian Assistance to Lena Dunham’s Dogs

Assad Offers Humanitarian Assistance to Lena Dunham’s Dogs

Saying that he could no longer stand by in the face of such needless suffering, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has agreed to take in a limited number of dog refugees from actress Lena Dunham. Assad’s offer comes after reports that a healthy dog adopted by Dunham in 2014 was later returned to the animal shelter showing signs of PTSD. “While the suffering of Lamby has shocked Syrians and people throughout the world, it represents just a fraction of the trauma...

Rudy Rochman’s Truth or Dare, and Trump’s Ramadan Diet (Add the Ketchup)

Rudy Rochman’s Truth or Dare, and Trump’s Ramadan Diet (Add the Ketchup)

Now available on iTunes for free! Subscribe now! Be sure to subscribe for free here Rudy Rochman, Founder and President of the Columbia University chapter of Students Supporting Israel, shares the BS about BDS, while Molly and Alex explore President Trump’s BDSM ketchup fetish that led him to cancel the annual Ramadan White House Feast. If you don’t have iTunes, check out our Podcast section on the website....

Israeli Military Currently Training Saudis How to Play ‘Whack-a-Mole’ in Yemen

Israeli Military Currently Training Saudis How to Play ‘Whack-a-Mole’ in Yemen

The Saudi-led coalition continues its fight against Iranian-backed Houthis in Yemen, and its not going great for either side. According to one Saudi commander, “Let’s face it, while the Houthis are really not top-notch fighters, it turns out we’re also not as good as we thought”. “We figured that since we blame the Zionists for everything anyhow, why not learn one of their tricks and if it backfires we’ll just blame them again. That beauty works every time.” The Saudi commander...

Arab Leaders Confirm: The World Will End When We Say

Arab Leaders Confirm: The World Will End When We Say

Arab leaders meeting in Cairo yesterday confirmed their commitment that the world will end in their region and not over in that upstart North Korea. Saudi Foreign Minister Adel bin-Ahmed al-Jubeir commented, “We’ve been in the end of the world, clash of civilizations, religious smackdown business since Mohammed was in diapers. That punk ass, toilet-brush haircut, chubster Kim Jong-un can suck on a camel if he thinks he gets to jump the queue by threatening Alaska. Alaska? Yeah, you go...

ISIS Fighter Starting to Wonder If Maybe They’re Not the Good Guys

ISIS Fighter Starting to Wonder If Maybe They’re Not the Good Guys

RAQQA, SYRIA — Feeling uncertain about the brutal torture, sex slavery, and ethnic cleansing, ISIS fighter Ahmed al-Mustafa has been wondering if maybe they’re not the good guys. “You know, I came here like everybody else to follow the path of Jihad and fight the infidels,” he remarked. “On Facebook, everything seemed totally great. Good friends, adventure, women, you name it! And everything we were doing was for the glory of God so I just assumed we were the good...

Assad to Help Trump Curb Chicago Gun Violence

Assad to Help Trump Curb Chicago Gun Violence

Last Tuesday, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad reached out the Trump administration offering to help with the rising gun violence in Chicago. “You know, I have a great deal of experience dealing with armed gangs and civil unrest,” President Assad said to reporters. “Our so-called ‘Free Syrian Army’ isn’t so different from your Almighty Gaylords.” The White House Press Office has announced a comprehensive anti-crime joint taskforce is being developed with the Syrian Government to quell the gang-related violence. When pushed...

British Protests, Violence Mark 241 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

British Protests, Violence Mark 241 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

As Americans celebrate the 241st anniversary of its independence with barbeques, parties and fireworks, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO troops and protesters demanding a “right of return” to the U.S. mainland. Riots were held in London, Manchester and other major cities, as British citizens protested their expulsion from what they termed “Occupied...