Politics

Kaepernick Signs with Qatari National Football Team

Kaepernick Signs with Qatari National Football Team

Saying that only the Qataris understood what it was like to be isolated because of one’s political beliefs, former San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick has signed a one-year deal with the embattled Middle Eastern nation. The signing comes after Kaepernick, who made headlines for refusing to stand for the national anthem, has struggled to find an NFL team willing to sign him. But in Qatar, the embattled former Super Bowl quarterback was welcomed with open arms. “We believe this...

KKK: “We’re Freedom Fighters, Not Terrorists”

KKK: “We’re Freedom Fighters, Not Terrorists”

BUMFUKBURG, SOUTH CAROLINA – Former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke has released a plea for empathy to FOX News earlier today. “The KKK are not terrorists. We are freedom fighters lawfully resisting the illegal occupation of our Beloved South, and the genocide of the Indigenous Whites. “The real terrorists are the Zionists, Black Lives Matter people, and Antifa, who are destroying our statues and monuments that sustain our cultural and historical heritage. To remind everybody, the Confederacy was unlawfully invaded...

Are All Journalists Just Fake News Homosexuals?

Are All Journalists Just Fake News Homosexuals?

The Mideast Beast podcasts are now available on iTunes for free! Subscribe now! Be sure to subscribe for free here On this episode of the The Mideast Beast Podcast: We provide the satirical news, but are the real journalists giving you fake news? Host Molly Livingstone gets to the bottom of this burning question with the Times of Israel Knesset Correspondent Raoul Wootliff. Find out why he was called a “fake journalist homo” while covering a recent right-wing rally. Is it...

Trump’s Council of Evil Dictators Disbands After Assad Resigns

Trump’s Council of Evil Dictators Disbands After Assad Resigns

The Trump administration has suffered another setback, as the president was forced to dissolve his Council of Evil Dictators following the resignation of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. President Trump had launched the council in an effort to implement best practices in eroding American democracy and empowering the country’s worst people. But the council’s members began dropping out following Trump’s comments defending pro-Nazi marchers at a rally in Charlottesville, Virginia. “I am fully supportive of war crimes, oppression and mild genocide,...

Inspired by Trump Speech, Saudi Arabia Condemns Sexism and Misogyny

Inspired by Trump Speech, Saudi Arabia Condemns Sexism and Misogyny

Inspired by the eloquent hypocrisy of President Trump’s statement on racism, King Salman of Saudi Arabia gave a brief speech Monday in which he condemned “all forms of sexism, misogyny, and chauvinism in our Kingdom.” “Sexism is evil”, stated the man who rules a country where women can barely leave their homes without the accompaniment of a male guardian. “We are all created equal under our creator and the law, but equal doesn’t mean the same. We must love each...

Trump Criticizes “All Sides” in the Prevention of an Attempted Shooting by Islamic State

Trump Criticizes “All Sides” in the Prevention of an Attempted Shooting by Islamic State

The ISIS gunman was neutralized last night at a bus station in Mosul after passers-by, and a dog rapidly converged on him. When asked to comment on the incident, the President denounced the attacker and the victims in the same breath: “Obviously, ISIS are bad guys, but what about those who tried to stop them? There was this one guy who ripped the assailant’s shirt when he tried to disarm him. Another kicked him in the nuts. The code of conduct between...

Citing General Lee’s “Original Two-State Solution,” Trump Asks for Israeli Backing

Citing General Lee’s “Original Two-State Solution,” Trump Asks for Israeli Backing

Following the condemnation of the President’s statements on the Charlottesville protests by Republican colleagues, the President has reached out to Israeli leaders to support his position. In a press conference today, Trump stated, “It would be nice if some of my Israeli friends helped, you know I love Israel, those Jews are doing fantastic things over there with the high tech, and the missile defense, you’ve heard about the missile defense? Anyway, you know General Robert E. Lee was a great...

‘Can We March in Charlottesville Too?’ ISIS Asks

‘Can We March in Charlottesville Too?’ ISIS Asks

Admitting that they were a bit bewildered by the recent Nazi/White Nationalist march in Charlottesville, Virginia, and by President Trump’s silence over the incident, ISIS leaders have cautiously approached the president to check if he would be cool with their terror group holding a similar rally. “I’ve spent all these years as an enemy of America trying to sneak into the country and pull off a secret attack,” one ISIS leader told The Mideast Beast. “But then I saw people...

Citizens Beginning to Suspect Erratic Behavior in Democratically-Elected Leader

Citizens Beginning to Suspect Erratic Behavior in Democratically-Elected Leader

Following a multitude of reports regarding corruption, he immediately engages in one of his favorite activities: yelling and tweeting “Fake News!” He’s even gone so far as to focus his attacks on specific journalists. The media, is to him, the epicenter of an all-out political ‘witch hunt’, one of his favorite terms. He lies at will, he’s never to blame, and he’s always the victim. And don’t even get us started on his combover, or his wife. With an upsurge...

Man Photographed Strapped with AK-47 Shocked to Be Called ‘Radical’ at Hamas Rally

Man Photographed Strapped with AK-47 Shocked to Be Called ‘Radical’ at Hamas Rally

AL-CHARLOTTESVILLE — Photos of Hamas members at a rally are being plastered all over the Internet. One in particular, which has since become the face of the ‘Unite the Fight’ rally, is that of Ibrahim al-Masri, a 21-year old university student from Hebron. He was shocked when he saw a frightening photo of himself screaming and firing his AK into the air on the Internet. Speaking to The Mideast Beast al-Masri commented, “Yes, I am a member of Hamas but...

What Does Trump Hate Now? Who Said It? By God There’s A New Commandment?

What Does Trump Hate Now? Who Said It? By God There’s A New Commandment?

The Mideast Beast podcasts are now available on iTunes for free! Subscribe now! Be sure to subscribe for free here On this episode of the The Mideast Beast Podcast: Hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles aren’t just playing mind games with satirical news stories, but actual fun guessing games, too. Join the fun, and even learn some random trivia, in this week’s podcast. Listen in and find out if Alex wins his pride back, if Trump hates generals or just generally...

ISIS Leader to Pose in Swimsuit for Vogue Magazine

ISIS Leader to Pose in Swimsuit for Vogue Magazine

In a photo shoot that supporters of the ISIS leader have called inspirational, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi will appear on the cover of Vogue magazine wearing only a tight black speedo and hot pink bikini. “I’m still alive and I am beautiful!” the Caliph wrote in a Tweet accompanying the picture, which showed him in stunning two-piece. The spread won immediate support from Baghdadi’s allies on the American left. “This photo shoot of @AlBaghdadi in the October issue of...

Iranian Revolutionary Guard to Recruit Justin Gatlin as New Weapon

Iranian Revolutionary Guard to Recruit Justin Gatlin as New Weapon

American sprinter Justin Gatlin, who took the gold medal at the World Athletics Championship, defeating Usain Bolt in the world-record holder’s final race, has been recruited to the Iranian Revolutionary Guard. Gatlin was flattered when Ayatollah Ali Khamenei came to him personally, wielding the athlete’s favorite chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. Although Gatlin was made to publicly renounce his gold medal and the ‘American decadence’ it stood for, he said the Khamenei gave him “an offer he couldn’t refuse”....

Source: Trump Hates Little Qatar Because It Reminds Him of His Tiny Hands

Source: Trump Hates Little Qatar Because It Reminds Him of His Tiny Hands

WASHINGTON D.C. – U.S. President Donald Trump’s ‘Small Hands Syndrome’ is reportedly driving his position on a key Middle East conflict. According to a senior White House aide, Trump’s siding with Saudi Arabia in its standoff with Qatar is not due to the tiny gas-producing emirate alleged support for extremist organizations, but rather is an extension “of Trump’s outsized obsession with proving his manhood.” According to the official, who spoke to The Mideast Beast on condition of anonymity, Trump’s disdain...

Trump Angered to Learn That the Gaza Strip Has Nothing to Do with Strippers

Trump Angered to Learn That the Gaza Strip Has Nothing to Do with Strippers

President Donald Trump’s search for “the perfect deal” in the Middle East took an early blow when he discovered that the Gaza Strip has nothing to do with strippers. In a leaked recording by an aide, the President was heard reprimanding the Israeli policy on Gaza’s “pole and lap dancers”.  Upon correction, the fury soon subsided, and disappointment took hold. “It’s been really hard work. I thought going to Gaza to see some strippers was going to be a nice...

Israel Cites Misunderstanding Over the Word ‘Settlement’ For Continued Expansion 

Israel Cites Misunderstanding Over the Word ‘Settlement’ For Continued Expansion 

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has confessed that Israeli territorial expansion has occurred because of a long-held misunderstanding about the word ‘settlement’. Netanyahu came clean about his error at a press conference yesterday: “I always thought John Kerry was giving me mixed messages. One minute he was telling me that we must reach a ‘settlement’, but the next he was telling me to halt all ‘settlement’ activity. I was caught between a rock and a hard place, and I didn’t want to...

Trump and Netanyahu form the “Alliance of the Inappropriately Probed”

Trump and Netanyahu form the “Alliance of the Inappropriately Probed”

Washington D.C. – U.S. President Donald Trump and Israeli Prime Minister Benyamin Netanyahu have announced the formation of a new organization, ‘The Alliance of the Inappropriately Probed’. This comes just days after Council Robert Mueller’s decision to use a grand jury in the Trump-Russia collusion case. President Trump told reporters yesterday, “Nobody in the history of this country has been so unfairly probed as I have. They’re probing me, my finances, and all my esteemed colleagues. I have not given...

Netanyahu Hopes Nuclear Armageddon Will Lessen Pressure for Peace Talks

Netanyahu Hopes Nuclear Armageddon Will Lessen Pressure for Peace Talks

Saying that he was “rather optimistic” given the current climate, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is reportedly hopeful that the escalating situation between nuclear-armed North Korea and the United States may obviate the need for peace negotiations with the Palestinians. “I’ve been procrastinating on serious negotiations for years, and frankly I am afraid that I’m running out of excuses,” Netanyahu told The Mideast Beast. “But if I can just somehow put off peace talks for another year or so, I...

Donald Trump Frustrated with Generals Who Understand the Middle East

Donald Trump Frustrated with Generals Who Understand the Middle East

Washington D.C. — New leaks from the White House have revealed that the Trump Administration is fed up with generals who have strong understandings of the cultural, political, and historical nuances of the Middle East. One staffer (who wished to remain anonymous) told reporters, “President Trump is furious because Secretary of Defense Mattis told him that ‘Operation Turn Baghdad into a Parking Lot’ was not a viable strategy. I think it was actually Bannon’s idea, but Trump really had his...

Egyptian Authorities Confusing Homosexuals With ISIS

Egyptian Authorities Confusing Homosexuals With ISIS

Egyptian Authorities admit that they find it difficult to tell the difference between gay men and ISIS members. One puzzled Egyptian Border guard said, “it’s harder to tell the difference than you might think. We were responding to reports of a bunch of men infiltrating our country via the Nile. It didn’t seem unreasonable to think they might have floated around from the coast of Syria, as those Zionists are notoriously relaxed about such activities.” “When we arrived on the scene we...