Politics

ISIS Leader Suffers Gender Identity Crisis, Demands to be Called ‘Amy’

ISIS Leader Suffers Gender Identity Crisis, Demands to be Called ‘Amy’

Fresh off a string of stunning battlefield failures, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has locked himself in his room and refuses to come out.  Mr. and Mrs. al-Baghdadi are at a loss for how to deal with their increasingly distant and willful son, the new Caliph of the Islamic State. “It began when he turned 13, and we didn’t give him a bat mitzvah. But it’s because we aren’t Jewish, not that we don’t love him, but he insisted that...

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

Buoyed by Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway’s recent revelation that false statements can be redefined as “alternative facts,” the terrorist group ISIS has released what it dubbed an “alternative Quran” to justify some of its less Islamic practices. “While we enjoyed calling ourselves the ‘Islamic’ State, and we really liked making gruesome videos of burning enemy pilots to death, it was getting a little bit tough trying to reconcile the two,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “Plus,...

ISIS Opens Recruiting Center in Israel After JCC Bomb Threat Arrest

ISIS Opens Recruiting Center in Israel After JCC Bomb Threat Arrest

Saying that the group “deeply regrets” ignoring a key demographic, the Islamic State announced that it has opened a recruiting center in Tel Aviv following the arrest of a Jewish Israeli-American teenager for making bomb threats against Jewish Community Centers in the United States. “For years, we bought into the false stereotype that Jews are less capable of unhinged or violent anti-Semitism than the rest of us,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said. “But the heroic actions of this young Israeli...

ISIS to U.S. Republicans: “God Damnit, You Had One Job…”

ISIS to U.S. Republicans: “God Damnit, You Had One Job…”

ISIS leaders have expressed frustration with House Leader Paul Ryan, as he failed to push through the repeal of the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare). A spokesman commented, “They had one job, destroy America. And we really thought that with control of all the levers of power in D.C., we could leave them to it while we concentrated on frolicking through the Levant with the sort of glee you’ve only seen before with President Trump pretending to drive a Mack truck.”...

Syria Furious Africans Receive Coveted Last Place in ‘World Happiness Report’

Syria Furious Africans Receive Coveted Last Place in ‘World Happiness Report’

Syrians have reacted angrily to the latest World Happiness Report that places them as only the fourth saddest place in the world, trailing Tanzania, Burundi and the Central African Republic. A spokesman for the Syrian government commented, “Tanzania has the Serengeti for fuck’s sake. How can you be sad when you’ve got lions to look at? I think we had some lions in the Damascus zoo, but we ate them. Doesn’t get sadder than that.” The disbelief is shared on...

Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Leaders Praise Trump for Refusing Handshake with Woman

Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Leaders Praise Trump for Refusing Handshake with Woman

President Trump’s refusal to shake German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s hand has won him the support of Israel’s Haredi community, as religious conservatives welcomed an unlikely ally in their battle against the mixing of the genders. “For years we’ve been refusing to sit on planes or busses with women who are not our wives because any physical contact between the sexes is wrong, and we are glad that the president has finally come around,” a spokesman for the ultra-orthodox, Jewish community...

U.S. Targets Terror Groups’ Major Weakness: They Hate Layovers

U.S. Targets Terror Groups’ Major Weakness: They Hate Layovers

Terrorists worldwide are scrambling to deal with the most recent US security restriction of banning personal electronic devices on planes flying directly to the US from several Muslim majority countries. One ISIS operations planner sounded exasperated when he told The Mideast Beast: “We’ve already booked the flight. Do you know how expensive it is to change your tickets? Let’s just say we’re going to have to sell another priceless ancient artifact.” The new plan from the White House, which went into...

ISIS Calls Trump Budget ‘A Bit Harsh’

ISIS Calls Trump Budget ‘A Bit Harsh’

The Islamic State has distanced itself from President Donald Trump’s first budget proposal, calling cuts to domestic programs “a bit harsh.” “Listen, we’re all for seeing Americans suffering, but this budget goes a little overboard,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “Even we wouldn’t have thought of cutting Meals on Wheels funding.” ISIS did express support for some of the cuts, including funding for the National Endowment for the Arts. “What’s the point in paying millions of...

Saudi Woman Really Excited Not to be Allowed to Compete in Her New Athletic Hijab

Saudi Woman Really Excited Not to be Allowed to Compete in Her New Athletic Hijab

With Nike’s release of a new “Pro-Hijab” geared towards athletic Muslim women, a whole new group of female Muslim Athletes are really excited at the prospect of not being allowed to compete in international domestic and international competitions. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one female athlete in Saudi Arabia said she loves to run, but found it very difficult to find a male relative willing to escort her outdoors. Of Nike’s new innovation she whispered: “Now with the Nike Pro-Hijab,...

Trump Accuses Netanyahu of Spying on his Twitter Account

Trump Accuses Netanyahu of Spying on his Twitter Account

Just days after accusing the British government of tapping his phone on behalf of the Obama administration, President Trump now says Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has been reading the President’s tweet’s without his permission. “The things I post to Twitter are some of my most personal thoughts, and the idea that other people may be spying on me by reading them is really very disturbing,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “I don’t know if Bibi [Netanyahu] is doing it...

Israel to Give Palestinians Voting Rights, Establish ‘Electoral College’

Israel to Give Palestinians Voting Rights, Establish ‘Electoral College’

Saying they had finally found a way to resolve the Palestinian conflict while keeping Israel both a Jewish and democratic state, Israeli officials announced that Gaza and the West Bank will be annexed and given full voting rights under a system called the “electoral college.” Under this system, Israel will be divided into 50 regions, all of which will have varying numbers of electors, depending on the population. The Gaza Strip, the most densely populated region, would have 10 electors,...

Trump Promises to Send Syrian Refugees ‘Back to Mexico’

Trump Promises to Send Syrian Refugees ‘Back to Mexico’

With U.S. political leaders debating whether to accept thousands of Syrian refugees, President Donald Trump unveiled a new proposal to “send those Arabs back to Mexico where they belong.” While details were vague, Trump’s proposal called for all four million Syrian refugees to be sent “back” to Mexico immediately and for a giant wall to be built along Syria’s borders to stop any more refugees from leaving the country. “Syria isn’t sending its brightest. They’re sending jihadists, they’re sending rapists,...

John Kerry Drunk Dials Nobel Prize Commission Following New WikiLeaks Documents

John Kerry Drunk Dials Nobel Prize Commission Following New WikiLeaks Documents

New WikiLeaks documents show that, in 2016, after the Nobel prizes were announced, John Kerry made several late-night phone calls to members of the awarding committee as well as multiple late night drunk texts. Mr. Kerry had high hopes for being remembered for something other than being the guy who lost to George W. Bush fair and square; he set his sights first on the Arab-Israel conflict, which ended in a war in summer 2014, and then on the Syrian...

Yemen to Trump: “Look, Just Make us an Offer”

Yemen to Trump: “Look, Just Make us an Offer”

The collective population of Yemen has contacted President Trump offering him the opportunity to discuss ‘creative’ solutions to his travel ban woes. In an open letter, the 24.4 million Yemenis stated, “Look, clearly this whole writing up Executive Orders with a life expectancy higher than an Afghan wedding party on ‘drone strike Tuesdays’ is too much for you. But, as we only have a GDP per capita of 1,400 bucks, we’re sure we can come to some sort of deal....

Trump Vows to Shutdown Epcot’s Morocco Pavilion

Trump Vows to Shutdown Epcot’s Morocco Pavilion

THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH, FLORIDA — Calling it a breeding ground for terrorism and a threat to national security, US President Donald Trump said shutting down the Morocco Pavilion in Disney World’s Epcot theme park is his next priority. “Why did President Obama let a country full of Muslim jihadis occupy American soil in Orlando?” Trump wrote in an early morning tweet. “This is why America is LOSING! SAD!” Trump, who once promised to ban all Muslims from travelling to the U.S., said he...

Trump: Israeli Security Wall Does Good Job Keeping Mexicans Out

Trump: Israeli Security Wall Does Good Job Keeping Mexicans Out

Speaking to reporters at a press conference, President Trump laid out his views on the Middle East. “I’m reluctant to give credit to other people’s construction projects,” admitted 45, “but I was very impressed with the separation wall Israel built in and around the West Bank. Throughout my trip in Israel I saw maybe 10-12 Mexicans, tops. Obviously the wall is doing a great job keeping them out, and if Israel hadn’t built the fence it would certainly by now be overrun by...

Palestinian President Desperately Working on Excuse to Not Visit Trump

Palestinian President Desperately Working on Excuse to Not Visit Trump

Palestinian President and PLO leader Mahmoud Abbas is, according to aides, desperately trying to think of a good excuse not to visit Washington. He received the invitation during his first phone call with President Trump this week. An aide commented, “Of course on the call he had to act all excited but after he put the receiver down he was all like ‘what the fuck are we going to do now?’ We all watched Bibi’s visit and we really don’t...

Middle Eastern Leaders Relieved to Learn of America’s ‘Deep State’

Middle Eastern Leaders Relieved to Learn of America’s ‘Deep State’

Saying that they are “thankful to Allah that that orange-skinned lunatic isn’t actually in charge,” rulers from across the Middle East are relieved to learn of a powerful “deep state” secretly running the US. “I must admit, for a while I was quite concerned about these American ‘elections,’ as they call them,” Egyptian President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi told The Mideast Beast. “It’s quite comforting to know that in America the elected government is virtually powerless and that a web of...

Crisis Hits Turkey as Erdogan Runs Out of People to Call a ‘Nazi’

Crisis Hits Turkey as Erdogan Runs Out of People to Call a ‘Nazi’

Turkish leadership entered uncharted territory this weekend, as President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has finally run out of people to call a Nazi. While some Turkish officials had expressed concerns after Erdogan called the leaders of Germany and the Netherlands Nazis within a week, the crisis caught the government off-guard. The final accusation came Saturday, as Erdogan labeled a kebab vendor a “Nazi remnant” for allegedly skimping on the president’s yogurt sauce. Aides to the Turkish leader quickly realized that their...

Hamas Rocket Attack Fails, as Gazan Civilians Unharmed

Hamas Rocket Attack Fails, as Gazan Civilians Unharmed

Rockets fired from the Gaza Strip were deemed a failure by the militant group Hamas, as no Palestinian civilian injuries were reported. Hamas officials expressed disappointment that the missiles launched by the group, which landed in southern Israel, failed to strike any Palestinian schools or UN camps or draw an Israeli response that could be condemned by the international media. “We were sure at least one of the rockets would fall short of Israel and land in an apartment building, or...