Politics

Harvey Weinstein to Represent Hollywood at UN; Appointed to Human Rights Council

Harvey Weinstein to Represent Hollywood at UN; Appointed to Human Rights Council

Earlier today, Saudi representative to the Human Rights Council, Abdulaziz Alwasil, welcomed Harvey Weinstein’s appointment as Hollywood’s representative to the UN human rights body. In a statement, Alwasil said that his long and illustrious career of complete disregard for the rights of the women around him made him “a perfect fit for the council”. The allegations of rampant sexual misconduct by the Hollywood producer, prompted the UN to award Hollywood full member status because “clearly they live in their own...

Iran Not Sure What Year to Set for Israel’s Doomsday Clock

Iran Not Sure What Year to Set for Israel’s Doomsday Clock

On Friday, President Trump announced his refusal to recertify the Iran deal shortly before kicking it to Congress. Taking place shortly after the US and Israel pulled out of UNESCO, Iranian officials are now unsure when Israel will finally meet its end. “The US is really ramping things up ensuring we definitely will not be able to carry out our genocidal ambitions for at least another 100 years,” stated President Hassan Rouhani. Located in Tehran the digital doomsday clock originally...

Alt-Right Dumps Trump, Sends Peace Envoy to Iran

Alt-Right Dumps Trump, Sends Peace Envoy to Iran

In a dramatic political shift, leaders and pundits of the “Alt-Right” movement have severed ties with President Donald Trump in favor of diplomatic relations with Iran. The break comes after a series of discussions on Trump’s true motives and stances on Israel. “I guess he wasn’t kidding about supporting Israel, we sort of thought he was just lying to get AIPAC’s backing,” stated Pepe Times columnist John Whitman. During his campaign, Donald Trump stated numerous times his desire to strengthen...

ISIS Leader Alleges: “Harvey Weinstein Touched Me”

ISIS Leader Alleges: “Harvey Weinstein Touched Me”

In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast, a tearful Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of ISIS, has allegedly claimed that Harvey Weinstein touched him inappropriately. This comes amidst a new wave of accusations against the powerful Hollywood producer. The account provided by al-Baghdadi was harrowing: “He invited me into his office to talk about a biopic of my life. He was very charming and offered me lunch. Next thing I know his fingers were all over me, in places...

New TMB Podcast! “Verbal Diarrhea – Trying to Understand the Iran Plan”

New TMB Podcast! “Verbal Diarrhea – Trying to Understand the Iran Plan”

With Trump dumping the “Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action” signed by Obama in 2015, hosts Alex Giles and Molly Livingstone try to figure out what exactly is comprehensive about it. Will Iran build a nuke? Are we watching the biggest reality show starring realist world leaders? Is it worth a Nobel Peace Prize, or is it nothing more than a deal with the Devil? Get out your biggest bottle of Pepto-Bismol ’cause we are about to give you a big...

Bernie Sanders Successfully Negotiates Termination of Iranian Nuclear Program

Bernie Sanders Successfully Negotiates Termination of Iranian Nuclear Program

In a shocking turn of events U.S. Senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders has succeeded in doing what no other U.S. politician could: diplomatically ending the Iranian Nuclear Program. Bernie explained in a recent CNN interview. “I got the idea from watching the very funny program, Curb Your Enthusiasm. So, I decided to contact my local Iranian consul. If Larry David can get out of a fatwa, surely Bernie Sanders can get the Islamic Republic of Iran to give up its...

Trump: Before 1867, US Presidents Didn’t Bother to Call Soldiers’ Families

Trump: Before 1867, US Presidents Didn’t Bother to Call Soldiers’ Families

Defending his silence regarding the killings of four Green Berets in Niger, US President Donald Trump noted that before 1867, his predecessors did not even bother to call the families of fallen soldiers. “Okay, so I haven’t gotten around to calling the families of the fallen Green Berets, or the Navy SEAL killed in Yemen, but so what?” Trump said in a press conference. “The first 18 presidents never phoned a single grieving relative.” Trump initially claimed that President Obama...

Fatah and Hamas Reconcile After Couple’s Therapy

Fatah and Hamas Reconcile After Couple’s Therapy

Couple’s therapy was responsible for the reconciliation of the two dominant Palestinian factions, Fatah and Hamas, The Mideast Beast can reveal. Egyptian President el-Sisi lured Mahmoud Abbas, the Chairman of Fatah, and Ismail Haniyeh, the Chief of the Political Bureau of Hamas, to a luxury spa in Cairo with the promise of a “well-deserved holiday”. They were both shocked to see their counterparts turn up. The initial anger subsided into sweet nothings, and then came the serious introspection, facilitated by...

UNESCO Responds to US Exit with 77 Anti-Israel Resolutions

UNESCO Responds to US Exit with 77 Anti-Israel Resolutions

A meeting held by UNESCO’s General Conference to address President Donald Trump’s decision to pull out of the agency ended with the conference passing nearly 80 resolutions condemning Israel and the Jewish people. “We really aren’t sure how it happened,” Director-General Irina Bokova admitted. “We opened up the debate to discuss the loss of US support, and the next thing I know we’ve passed 12 resolutions condemning the Jews for the Holocaust.” While UNESCO’s stated mission is to promote peace...

Israel Tried to Coax Palestinians Into Signing up to Lame Organizations to Distract Them From Joining Interpol

Israel Tried to Coax Palestinians Into Signing up to Lame Organizations to Distract Them From Joining Interpol

In anticipation of the Palestinians’ successful bid to become a member of the International Police Organization, Interpol, Israel has tried to coax them into signing up to other intergovernmental bodies instead. “We thought that if they could be enticed by invitations to join lame groups nobody could give a shit about they might get distracted and drop the whole Interpol thing”, one Israeli official said. A Palestinian Authority spokesperson commented that this explains the strange letters he had received. “We...

Gay Saudi Man Sentenced to Death Really Hopes U.S. College Students Get Their ‘Safe Spaces’

Gay Saudi Man Sentenced to Death Really Hopes U.S. College Students Get Their ‘Safe Spaces’

Mohammad Mansour, 28, is a gay Saudi Arabian man, which is ironic because he hasn’t been very happy lately.  Mansour has been upset because he hasn’t slept well in days, and also, he’s currently being held in a Saudi prison on charges of engaging in “icky, gay stuff.”  Though he’s attempted to reach out for help from human rights groups, Mansour recognizes that his case is most likely hopeless, as the world often has trouble criticizing the only country that...

Trump University Fails to Take-Off in the Middle East

Trump University Fails to Take-Off in the Middle East

Despite having been only open for one semester, Trump University (Baghdad Campus) is permanently shutting its doors. The university, the first of its kind in the Middle East, which offered courses like “Locking Her Up, Saddam Style,” “Flipping Properties Under Siege,” and “International Sanctions, Taxes, and What You Can Do About It,” hasn’t quite resonated with the local population. Shopkeeper, Muhammed al-Dawood, explained, “I signed up for a Trump University degree titled, “How to be Hugely Successful.” The first class...

Muslims Building Kosher Sukkahs, and a Hurricane Refugee in Israel – WTF?! (New Podcast)

Muslims Building Kosher Sukkahs, and a Hurricane Refugee in Israel – WTF?! (New Podcast)

It’s not a sitcom yet, but how’s this for a podcast topic: a couple of Muslims build a sukkah (that’s for the Jewish holiday of Sukkot) to welcome a bit of coexistence, food, and just plain old good conversation. Where will it lead? Well, hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles have their own ideas and overshare them in this week’s episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast. Later in the show, Molly interviews Hurricane Irma survivor Kenny Whitmire about his choice...

ISIS to Focus Entire Organization on NRA Fundraising

ISIS to Focus Entire Organization on NRA Fundraising

RAQQA, SYRIA – ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has released a new document entitled, “A New Vision for the Death of America,” where he calls upon the entire Islamic State and affiliate organizations to begin fundraising for the National Rifle Association. Outlining his plan, al-Baghdadi writes, “There is an American organization that enables anybody to buy high-powered military-style rifles capable of massacring many people! Literally, anybody can buy one of these things, and the American politicians do whatever this NRA says!”...

Trump Moves Embassy To Mt. Gerizim

Trump Moves Embassy To Mt. Gerizim

In a radical departure on promises to move the US embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem President Trump announced Saturday night that he intends to move it to Mt. Gerizim instead. Located in the West Bank city of Nablus, Mt. Gerizim is the holiest place to the Samaritan people. The place they believed the temple should have been built and where, contrary to the Masoretic Text, the binding of Isaac occurred. “You know Israelis and Palestinians, great people but gotta...

Trump to Airdrop Paper Towels on Syrian Rebels

Trump to Airdrop Paper Towels on Syrian Rebels

Stepping up US support for efforts to overthrow the Assad regime, the Trump administration announced that it has begun distributing paper towels to anti-government forces. The decision came after the president received praise for his response to Hurricane Maria’s devastation, showing up two weeks after the storm hit and dramatically throwing paper towels to people in hurricane relief centers. In a series of tweets on Sunday, Trump said he will look to replicate this success in other policy areas. “Everyone...

SJP to Host Interfaith Panel This Friday Night

SJP to Host Interfaith Panel This Friday Night

Amidst rising controversies on US campuses over the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, Students for Justice in Palestine is outreaching to its diverse students by hosting their second annual “Israel, Palestine, and Occupation Forum” this coming Friday night. Members of all faiths are welcome to participate to promote easing tensions between Christians, Jews, and Muslims by discussing modern events in Israel. Snacks and beverages will be provided followed by a PowerPoint presentation on the history of the conflict from scholars at Al Jazeera...

Mideast Analysts Begin to Ask the Question, “What If Everyone Just Chilled the Fuck Out?”

Mideast Analysts Begin to Ask the Question, “What If Everyone Just Chilled the Fuck Out?”

The questions usually asked whenever conflict erupts in the Middle East are, “How can we stop this?”, Who started it?” or “Again, really?” But now, some Middle East analysts are starting to ask an entirely new question: “What if everyone just ‘chilled the fuck out’?” We spoke with Ezra Goldstein, head of a Washington DC based think-tank, about where this revolutionary idea is coming from. “I think it’s really logical actually.” Goldstein explained, “Everyone loves to play the blame game...

NRA’s Vision of America ‘A Bit Dark,’ Iran Says

NRA’s Vision of America ‘A Bit Dark,’ Iran Says

Taking the unusual step of defending its sworn enemy, the Islamic Republic of Iran has called a recent NRA advertisement “a bit dark” for its dystopic portrayal of the United States. “Listen, we eagerly await the destruction of the Great Satan as much as anybody, and we believe America is the cause of all the world’s evil,” Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, told The Mideast Beast. “But the NRA goes a bit overboard. I mean, things can’t be that...

What Happens in Vegas Doesn’t Stay in Vegas After All (new podcast)

What Happens in Vegas Doesn’t Stay in Vegas After All (new podcast)

With the continued violent attacks throughout the world, this week’s mass shooting in Las Vegas finally forces host Alex Giles into a ranting rage (British style, still calm and polite). Will you agree with his claim that America should adopt Israeli gun laws? Host Molly Livingstone adds her two shekels on the matter, from the American crime she knows from growing up in Los Angeles, to teenagers accessorized with guns in Jerusalem where she now raises her own children. The...