Politics

Trump on Eid Dinner: I’m Only Going If There’s Ketchup

Trump on Eid Dinner: I’m Only Going If There’s Ketchup

President Trump has broken a 20-year tradition by not hosting a White House Eid dinner this year. A spokesman for the president confirmed that the decision was taken after it was noted that there are no Middle Eastern dishes that can be enhanced by ketchup. “We looked at everything that was on offer and it became clear that the presidential desire to add his favorite tomato based condiment to everything, was not going to work in this case. It’s true...

Angered by Criticism Over Fake News Sites, Mark Zuckerberg Joins ISIS

Angered by Criticism Over Fake News Sites, Mark Zuckerberg Joins ISIS

Saying he was furious over criticism that his site had contributed to the spread of fake news leading up to the November 8, 2016 U.S. presidential election, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced that he has moved to Syria and joined ISIS. “The claim that Facebook is awash with false and misleading news in completely unfounded,” Zuckerberg told The Mideast Beast. “That is why I have decided to fight the American infidels on behalf of the resurgent Islamic Caliphate. Allahu Akbar.”...

Gazans Not Real Humans Anymore, Decides Everybody

Gazans Not Real Humans Anymore, Decides Everybody

A suspicious-looking study published by the Palestinian Authority and verified by Israel, the US, and Hamas has found that the residents of the Gaza Strip are not real, flesh and blood humans anymore. The seemingly-false study suggests that the residents of Gaza were all replaced by humanoid android bots sometime before the last Gaza War.  These droids can subsist on toxic drinking water alone and are impervious to drone strikes and shellfire. According to the PA, before it demanded Israel...

Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers

Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers

Noting the increasing prevalence of stone throwing, particularly among youths, in the Palestinian territories and in Israeli West Bank settlements, several Major League Baseball clubs have sent their scouts to the region to look for pitching talent. “For years we’ve been hearing stories about how both Arab and Jewish children grow up hurling rocks at cars, tanks, soldiers and American diplomats,” a scout for the Atlanta Braves told The Mideast Beast. “If they can throw a stone, how hard can...

God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount

God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount

With tensions between Israelis and Palestinians on Jerusalem’s Temple Mount reaching a boiling point over the past year, God once again urged both Jews and Muslims to resist pressure to compromise and said both religious groups should “fight to the last drop of blood” to protect the sanctity of the site. “This was the site of the first and second temples, and now Jews can’t even pray there without being arrested? And you tolerate this? I’m not sure why I...

Worst Time in Modern History to be an Anti-Semite, Study Shows

Worst Time in Modern History to be an Anti-Semite, Study Shows

A new study from the Iranian Institute for the Advancement of anti-Semitism revealed that it’s the worst time in history to be an anti-Semite. The study showed that, since the inception of the Jewish state, it has become increasingly more difficult to persecute the Jews. When they started, the researchers said they hoped to show that persecuting Jews was as easy as “old times”, noting that “they are the only people on the planet running away from Europe towards the...

ISIS Leader Alive but in Hiding Because ‘He Got Fat,’ Source Says

ISIS Leader Alive but in Hiding Because ‘He Got Fat,’ Source Says

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was not killed in a Russian airstrike, a well-placed source has told The Mideast Beast, but has not appeared in public in recent months because “he got fat.” “Abu is fine, the bomb missed him,” ISIS chief strategist Sadiq al-Bannon said in a text message. “But he’s been having a little too much shawarma and hasn’t wanted to appear on camera.” Al-Bannon’s statement immediately drew criticism. Former first daughter Chelsea Clinton lashed out at the...

No One Can Remember What All the Fuss Was About

No One Can Remember What All the Fuss Was About

Only 36 months since the guns fell silent after the last Israel-Gaza war, the outside world is scratching its collective head to recall what it was so worked up about. The American ambassador to the United Nations was nonplussed, “I seem to recall there were some big bangs and a lot of running around. Do they celebrate the 4th of July over there?” Globally, journalists were scrolling back through the archives to remind themselves where the hell they were that summer....

Middle Eastern Dictators Jealous of Trump Over Cabinet Meeting of ‘Blessings’

Middle Eastern Dictators Jealous of Trump Over Cabinet Meeting of ‘Blessings’

Saying that their own supporters had never shown quite such a level of fawning flattery, strongmen from across the Middle East and beyond are reportedly aching with jealousy over President Trump’s cabinet meeting last week. The meeting – in which cabinet members went around the table thanking Trump for the “blessing to serve [his] agenda” – has convinced many dictators that their own lackeys are insufficiently committed to praising them. “I used to think that supporters calling me a lion...

Linda Sarsour Congratulates Islamic Countries on not Pinkwashing Oppression

Linda Sarsour Congratulates Islamic Countries on not Pinkwashing Oppression

Following the Pride Parade in Tel Aviv this past weekend, many groups and activists condemned Israel for its policy of ‘Pinkwashing’ and congratulated Muslim countries for their continuing oppression of women, minorities, and the LGBTQ+ community. ‘Pinkwashing’ is the accusation that Israel uses its open and inclusive society to cover up alleged abuses against Palestinians. Linda Sarsour – a woman wearing a look as if she knows what you did last summer and equally condemns you for it and wonders...

Paul Ryan Defends ISIS Saying, ‘They’re New at This’

Paul Ryan Defends ISIS Saying, ‘They’re New at This’

Asking that the public show some patience and understanding, House Speaker Paul Ryan defended the Islamic State and its leadership, saying the group was “new to this.” “Listen, ISIS has only been around three or four years. They aren’t steeped in all the long-running protocols, like the Geneva Convention,” Ryan told reporters. “Who hasn’t, in the first couple years running a new organization, beheaded a few people or taken a couple Yazidi sex slaves?” Ryan added that he sympathized with...

Cows Demand to be Kept Out of Gulf Dispute

Cows Demand to be Kept Out of Gulf Dispute

A spokescow for the 4,000 animals flown into Qatar this week has pleaded that they are kept out of the growing dispute between the country and its neighbors. “We’re just here to do a job. Provide milk. We’re not Shia or Sunni, we’re dairy.” Molly Lovitt, a Holstein already in the country commented, “Of course it’s hard not to discuss the crisis when you’re all standing in line being milked, but we try to keep things civil. Personally, I think...

Needing Change of Scenery, Hamas to Focus on Creating Puerto Rican State

Needing Change of Scenery, Hamas to Focus on Creating Puerto Rican State

Saying that it needed to shake things up after three decades of fighting for a Palestinian state, the militant Islamist group Hamas announced that it will relocate to Puerto Rico and spend an undisclosed period of time fighting for statehood in the US territory. “Listen, we love the Palestinian people and are committed to creating an Islamic state in all of Palestine, but thirty years is a long time to spend in the Middle East,” said one senior commander for...

Revealed: Trump Made Seventh Horcrux in Saudi Arabia

Revealed: Trump Made Seventh Horcrux in Saudi Arabia

The true story behind the photo of Trump touching a mysterious crystal-ball-esque object in Saudi Arabia has finally been revealed. According to Saudi Arabian sources, Donald Trump officially created his seventh and final Horcrux by tearing apart yet another fragment of his soul and placing it in a silvery orb in Riyadh. Eyewitness accounts report that after Trump split his soul he cast a mediocre Obliviate charm on all those present, but unfortunately for him, it wore off this week....

Griffin’s ISIS and the Gays’ Israel

Griffin’s ISIS and the Gays’ Israel

TMB Co-hosts Alex Giles and Molly Livingstone discuss comedian Kathy Griffin’s ISIS beheading shot of President Trump and other Trumptire (Trump satire) that is only too real. And what makes Tel Aviv one of the most gay-friendly cities in the world? Find out in this exclusive interview with Israeli Gay Rights Activist Sarah Weil. Click here. If you missed last week’s pilot episode about “Trump’s Middle Eastern Vacation,” including the details of his trip to the Holocaust Museum click here....

Radical Islamists Form New LGBTQ+ Terror Group

Radical Islamists Form New LGBTQ+ Terror Group

Inspired by the success of last Friday’s Tel-Aviv Pride Parade, closeted terrorists throughout the Middle East have decided to unite and show their true colors by establishing a new pan-Arab LGBTQ+ terror organization. “At first, we were afraid we would get our heads chopped off, or worse, our dicks. However, our long-standing suspicion that there is a large population of gay terrorists throughout the region turned out to be correct,” commented one representative of the group, who identifies as a...

Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Ends After Lebanon, Tunisia Ban “Wonder Woman”

Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Ends After Lebanon, Tunisia Ban “Wonder Woman”

After more than 100 years of bloodshed, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict ended abruptly the other day after Lebanon and Tunisia banned the screening of the movie Wonder Woman, which features an Israeli actress in the iconic role. When Lebanon revealed that it had banned the film, Israeli PM Netanyahu called for all armed forces to retreat from the West Bank immediately and end the siege on Gaza. Thousands of ultra-nationalist religious settlers then decided to donate their homes to Palestinian refugees...

Following Pride Parade, Gays Now Majority in Tel Aviv

Following Pride Parade, Gays Now Majority in Tel Aviv

It’s official. Tel Aviv, one of the most liberal cities in the world, and hands down the most gay-friendly city in the Middle East and one of the most gay-friendly cities in the entire world, now contains a majority of gay citizens. At a press conference, TLV-Gay leader Yossi Dingle said, “It’s true that we’ve made huge strides in bringing about more gay rights and we’ve always been strong and hard in our thrusts in aiming for those rights, always standing erect with pride and never...

Facebook Commenter Finally Thinks of Perfect Response to Thread from 2014 Gaza War

Facebook Commenter Finally Thinks of Perfect Response to Thread from 2014 Gaza War

Sam Schwartzman, a Jewish Long Island resident, announced today that he has finally thought of the perfect response to a July 2014 Facebook comment criticizing Israel for its actions during that summer’s war in Gaza. The comment, posted by 31-year-old poet and waiter Rob Erikson, was the 132nd in a long series of comments responding to a Wall Street Journal editorial a mutual friend had posted defending Israel’s actions during the war. The thread quickly turned into a vicious argument...