Palestinian Authority Prime Minister Mohammad Shtayyeh announced Monday that the Palestinians will boycott next year’s Expo (world fair) in Dubai following the UAE’s opening of diplomatic relations with Israel. In the statement he said, “Palestinians have much to offer the world, more than the Israelis and the US, and the world will have to reckon with our absence next year....
Republican Congressional candidate Laura Loomer has called for a nationwide ban on falafel, calling the chickpea-based dish a “Muslim terrorist jihad food.” “Why are we letting these Sharia-loving terrorist Muslims not only into our country but INTO OUR STOMACHS?!?!?” Loomer asked in a tweet following her victory in an August 18 primary for a south Florida congressional seat. “When I...
According to Shanti Shapiro – a San Francisco-based psychic – an ISIS jihadist who died in a suicide mission against Syrian soldiers is insisting he be resurrected after contracting an STD from one of the ‘virgins’ he slept with in the afterlife. “He is utterly furious. Despite being promised 72 bona fide virgins, his penis and anus are now covered in...
In shocking news, it’s been uncovered this week that in order to study Cannabis legalisation the FDA launched a program closely monitoring the mental faculties of one particularly voracious user: Seth Rogen. The program was top secret, but now that Rogen has publically spoken out against the need for a Jewish homeland – while conveniently ignoring that most Israelis descend...
In a touching sign of support for the always-embattled nation, and with clear indications of “something just being a bit wrong with them” tourists are still flocking to Israel. Whether it’s to enjoy the rocket filled skies in the south or the all-year-long seething religious tension in Jerusalem, there is something for everyone’s budget. Tour operator David Binglebloom said “surprisingly,...
With images emerging of Uyghurs being forced into train cars and legal experts now calling China’s treatment of the ethnic minority a genocide, US progressive leaders have demanded Chinese President Chinese President Xi Jinping paint ‘Uyghur Lives Matter’ on a prominent roadway. “The forced sterilization and re-education of the Uyghur is a crime against humanity, and it must be met...
In an effort to push back against an increasing intolerance towards political dissent in their country, more than 150 Saudi writers and intellectuals have signed an open letter denouncing “behead culture.” The letter comes amidst a growing number of cases in which Saudis were beheaded for seemingly mundane offenses, such as mildly criticizing Sharia Law or citing evidence that mass...
After successfully turning Hagia Sophia into a mosque, Turkish President and Middle Eastern Gollum look-alike, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, announced he now plans to convert the recently opened Istanbul Airport into a Muslim house of worship. Erdogan proposed handing the airport over to the Religious Affairs Directorate, which would close the $12 billion hub to air traffic and instead create a...
Calling it a momentous step towards recognition of the LGBTQ+ community, Saudi Arabia announced that all homosexuals executed during pride month would be hung from a rainbow noose or beheaded with a rainbow-colored ax. Though human rights activists said much further process remains necessary, the announcement marks a major step forward for gay equality in the kingdom. “We have a...
Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad has called off his attacks on the country’s Sunni population after reading Angela de Robin’s bestseller Alawite Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for Alawite Dictators to Talk About Sectarianism. Assad, who had waged a nearly decade-long war on his country’s Sunnis and Kurds, said the book opened his eyes to his own subconscious bias against Muslims...
In a bid to protect his wax figure at Madame Tussauds, President Trump recently signed an executive order protecting confederate monuments. This order decreed that although these statues remind many of a reign of terror and bloodshed against their families, the statues are necessary reminders of historical truths. Real Americans, Trump says, do not topple intimate objects, which is why...
The latest public reckoning around racist, or as academia calls them “controversial,” figures befell Princeton University this weekend as activists pushed for the removal of Woodrow Wilson’s name from the School of International Affairs. In a surprise move the administration agreed with the students, stating that the name “International Affairs” is outdated and should be replaced with something more representative...
Palestinian activists are accusing the Capital Hill Autonomous Zone of appropriating Palestinian culture after they made up their own country in six square blocks of Seattle. “It’s not fair” one Palestinian in Ramallah said, “these white people steal everything: hummus, rioting, and now making up their own countries in random places?” For nearly two weeks, six city blocks of Seattle...
According to people close to The Caliphate’s Costume Co-ordinator, Muhammad bin Muhammad, he spent the night self-flagellating over his vision board. He was repenting for failing creatively with the Caliphate’s signature look after seeing homegrown terror groups in the United States diverging from the traditional all-black look in favour of a more colourful ‘70s Hawaiian shirt vibe. Bin Muhammad is...
CHOP (Capitol Hill Occupied Protest), formerly known as CHAZ (Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone) condemned itself after realizing that its new acronym constitutes cultural appropriation – CHOP for chopsticks – and also a subtle form of racism, as the name indicates a preference for Chinese food. To prevent more emotional damage, CHOP immediately went back to calling itself CHAZ and released...
ISIS recently executed an unnamed American “racist journalist” in Syria after he tweeted that infidel lives matter, too. The execution came at a time of increased international focus on institutionalized media racism, after several high profile resignations of male editors from US newspapers, such as that of executive editor Stan Wischnowski of The Philadelphia Inquirer, who recently resigned after experiencing...
Central London saw violence this week as members of neo-Nazi groups such as Britain First accidentally gathered to defend Britain’s most famous non-Nazi, Winston Churchill. Despite the angry bald men claiming to be defending Churchill’s legacy, they clearly misunderstood what that legacy entailed exactly, as they threw up Nazi salutes while facing down the police. “I get that people are...
The progressive Taliban Institute for Literacy Advancement in Afghanistan angrily burned Harry Potter books in protest against J.K. Rowling’s recent transgender-phobic remarks. The bestselling British author committed the cardinal sin of questioning the womanhood of transgender individuals who made the journey from men to women. Mrs. Fatimah Yassin, the Taliban Minister for Gender-Fluid Weird Creatures, spoke to The Mideast Beast...
The rapper and movie star Ice Cube cultivated notoriety this week after sharing a series of anti-Semitic memes on twitter, not to mention a scathing and detailed report on his “long, disturbing history of anti-Semitism. Although these sorts of actions usually result in a Twitter ban, or even job loss, mere seconds after tweeting the images Ice Cube received a...
Through a careful study of ancient writings, a team of archaeologists today revealed that ancient peoples were just as likely to be assholes as your asshole neighbor, your asshole boss, or just about any asshole you meet in daily life. “We were quite surprised by our findings,” explained team leader, Stockholm University professor Dr. Tot L. Prik. “Based on our research, we must conclude...
