Culture

Ancient Skeleton Discovered Giving the Middle-Finger Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance

Ancient Skeleton Discovered Giving the Middle-Finger Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance

In perhaps the most apropos discovery in the history of Middle Eastern archaeology,  the bones of a human middle finger, approximately 90,000 years old, were just unearthed at a dig site in Saudi Arabia. “We believe we are being flipped off from the past; we’re talking about millennia after this individual died,” said head of the Saudi Commission for Tourism and National Heritage, Ali Ghabban. “It’s almost as if our ancestors knew then that this area of the world would...

Graphic Design Graduate Beginning to Regret ISIS Internship

Graphic Design Graduate Beginning to Regret ISIS Internship

Following the most recent beheading of a colleague, graphic design graduate Mark Davis began to regret taking the internship with Al-Hayat media, which he had applied to during his final semester. “The job market is really tight for recent grads, you know? So I saw the opportunity with ISIS and I had to jump on it,” said Davis in an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast. “I won’t lie, I got really great experience working in post-production, so I can’t...

Saudi Arabia Finds a Way to Get Rid of Women for an Hour or Two

Saudi Arabia Finds a Way to Get Rid of Women for an Hour or Two

Last week’s, ‘Women in Society’ conference held in Saudi Arabia was a complete sausage fest. Organizers confirmed it had been as yet another ruse to leave all the women indoors, for ‘some peace and fucking quiet’. A spokesperson for the conference, attended by over 15 Arab countries, told The Mideast Beast, ‘I thought I’d gone deaf for a moment, then I realized ‘she wasn’t around’ moaning in my ear about ‘rights and other such nonsense’ Telling us about how the...

Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols

Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols

As tensions in Israel continue to grow, an unlikely bond has developed between Jewish and Arab extremists as they’ve come together to vandalize and destroy Israel’s symbols of coexistence. “It all started one night when I saw a bunch of Jews spray painting ‘Death To Arabs’ on a building,” Mohammed Ayyad, an Arab extremist said. “At first I thought it was a Mosque, so I was pretty upset, but then I saw that it was a school promoting coexistence, and...

ISIS Announces Re-Branding: Islamic Safe Space; Berkeley Pledges Allegiance

ISIS Announces Re-Branding: Islamic Safe Space; Berkeley Pledges Allegiance

ISIS has announced that, as part of its 2017 rebranding program, it will no longer be known as ‘Islamic State’ but would rather be known as ‘Islamic Safe Space in Iraq and Syria’. The move is seen as an attempt to appeal more towards the younger generation and socially conscious millennials who have made just about everything you can imagine about Social Justice. A senior ISIS leader interviewed by The Mideast Beast stated, “Once we saw the kind of stuff...

Saudi Man Assumes Bad Driver in Car Ahead Must Be Woman, and Then He Remembers…

Saudi Man Assumes Bad Driver in Car Ahead Must Be Woman, and Then He Remembers…

Local Saudi software engineer, Ibrahim Awad, had a good chuckle to himself on his daily commute after remembering women can’t drive in Saudi Arabia. After a slow-driving white sedan swerved into his lane without signaling, Awad cursed out the driver and quickly assumed, “it’s gotta be a woman”. However, after feeling guilty, Awad berated himself for being so close-minded but finally came to the conclusion that “while I know it’s a little sexist, that’s just the way it is. Men...

Oman: “No One’s Noticed That We Exist Yet, So We’re Probably Good”

Oman: “No One’s Noticed That We Exist Yet, So We’re Probably Good”

The Sultanate of Oman breathed a collective sigh of relief this past week after everyone in the Gulf state came to the realization that no one in the western world could give half a shit about their existence – and most didn’t even know it was a country. This has given them license to continue business as usual, so long as the amount of government oppression does not exceed UN recommended levels. In one recent study, 47% of Americans thought...

Islam Just Going Through Rebellious Teenage Years, Father Says

Islam Just Going Through Rebellious Teenage Years, Father Says

With the rise of ISIS and Islamic extremism in general, the religion that gave the world huge advances in the sciences, mathematics, and medicine when it was younger, is now going through some natural growing pains. “Islam is going through a tough time right now,” Abraham, Father of Nations, said, as he poured a stiff glass of scotch, single malt of course. “It’s natural that Islam is facing things that all religions go through as they reach this age: it’s...

Eyeing Mideast Market, Ivanka Trump Launches High-Tech ‘Pussyguard’ Handbag

Eyeing Mideast Market, Ivanka Trump Launches High-Tech ‘Pussyguard’ Handbag

NEW YORK – Ivanka Trump has added a anti-groping handbag to her fashion line, calling it “a symbol of my father’s aggressively pro-woman agenda” – and suggesting that foreign aid subsidize its cost for low-income women. “Men will be men, so we ladies must be practical – and, of course, stay stylish,” said America’s First Daughter-to-be at the Manhattan launch of her Quilted Leather Studded Guardian Satchel – dubbed ‘The Trump PussyGuard’ on social media. Describing the latest addition to...

ISIS Clarifies: ‘We Had Nothing to Do with Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Eve Performance’

ISIS Clarifies: ‘We Had Nothing to Do with Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Eve Performance’

Calling it a disaster for which the West has only itself to blame, ISIS issued a statement Sunday morning stating that it bore no responsibility for singer Mariah Carey’s disastrous performance on ABC’s New Year’s Eve event at Times Square. “In the wake of the infidel Mariah Carey’s nakba [catastrophe] last night, we have heard people speculate that we may have hacked into the speaker system to embarrass the American Crusaders, or secretly drugged Mrs. Carey, or some shit like that,”...

Flushing 2016 Away: The Year When Batshit Crazy Became Reality

Flushing 2016 Away: The Year When Batshit Crazy Became Reality

From Trump telling Malala that “true heroes don’t get shot in the head” to the brave Muslim women calling for the criminalization of fat white dudes in Speedos, The Mideast Beast’s fearless reporters stopped at nothing to get you 2016’s biggest stories – no matter how unbelievable. Because as we say at TMB, all news is satirical – and if there was ever a year to prove it, 2016 was it – the year when batshit crazy became reality. Malala...

Gay Vandals Give Al-Aqsa Mosque ‘Rainbow Makeover’ on New Year’s Eve

Gay Vandals Give Al-Aqsa Mosque ‘Rainbow Makeover’ on New Year’s Eve

JERUSALEM – Just a month after painting Egypt’s Great Pyramid of Giza pink, the Homorabian Liberation Front has struck again, coating the dome of Islam’s third holiest site in the colors of the rainbow. In a daring New Year’s Eve mission, activists from the Arab LGBT group snuck onto Jerusalem’s Temple Mount and scaled Al-Aqsa Mosque to execute their so-called ‘Operation Rainbow Makeover.’ It was only at dawn when people noticed the startling sight, with one closeted imam momentarily losing...

Terrified by Trump’s Twitter Account, the Middle East Prepares for War

Terrified by Trump’s Twitter Account, the Middle East Prepares for War

Several high-ranking Middle Eastern officials have admitted that a Twitter war may be imminent as the President-elect continues his late-night internet war. Intel suggests that several countries are worried and have begun arming their forces with accounts. A spokesperson for Twitter confirmed that sign-ups in the region have doubled to an astounding 180 since the election. A source said that most countries had never even heard of Twitter, and would be defenseless against a late-night attack by Trump. He also...

In Anti-Jihad Op, Santa Blitzes ISIS with Radioactive Reindeer Poop

In Anti-Jihad Op, Santa Blitzes ISIS with Radioactive Reindeer Poop

In a blitzkrieg Christmas Eve mission, Santa Klaus and his squadrons of hooved helpers pounded ISIS positions with atomic reindeer feces, slaying thousands of jihadis and laying waste to much of the terror group’s heavy weaponry. “Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas you satanic pedophiles!” cried Santa as hundreds of nuclear excrement-armed flying sleighs discharged their lethal loads across ISIS-controlled Syria and Iraq overnight. (To avoid collateral damage, Santa selected targets away from civilian areas, instead blanketing ISIS-ruled cities – including...

ISIS Captures Santa, Demands ‘Sharia Christmas’

ISIS Captures Santa, Demands ‘Sharia Christmas’

Santa Claus is being held by ISIS fighters in Raqqa, as the Islamic State is demanding an ‘Islamic Christmas’ be adopted by Saint Nick. “For too long, this red-suited infidel has passed over the houses of countless Muslim children to deliver gifts to these non-believers,” said one ISIS fighter in a video delivered to Al Jazeera’s North Pole correspondent. “Every year of my childhood, I left out a class of goat’s milk and a serving of baklava hoping he would,...

‘Couch Jihadi’ Wins Cannabis Strain of the Year at Inaugural Palestone Cup

‘Couch Jihadi’ Wins Cannabis Strain of the Year at Inaugural Palestone Cup

EAST JERUSALEM – In the wake of President Abbas’ shock executive order legalizing cannabis earlier this year, the Palestinian Authority held its inaugural National Cannabis Awards last night, honoring a range of stellar strains developed by a vanguard of patriotic potpreneaurs. Dubbed the ‘Palestone Cup’ by promoters, a packed Faisal Al-Husseini International Stadium erupted in applause when the judges crowned Couch Jihadi the State of Palestine’s Cannabis Strain of the Year. “Expect a mind-blowing high from this neuro-terroristic hashish strain,...

Netanyahu to Chinese President: Why Can’t Palestinians Be More like Tibetans?

Netanyahu to Chinese President: Why Can’t Palestinians Be More like Tibetans?

Wikileaks has released a transcript of a controversial phone call in which the leaders of China and Israel discuss their respective policies in Tibet and the Palestinian territories. The leaked 20-minute conversation opens with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu lavishing praise on Chinese President Xi Jinping: “Your great nation has much to teach us on how to suppress millions of primitives with minimal foreign interference.” Netanyahu also voices frustration that China’s occupation of Tibet – 200 times larger than the West...

DJ Khaled Presents One-State Solution to Israel-Palestine Conflict: ‘WeTheBest-istan’

DJ Khaled Presents One-State Solution to Israel-Palestine Conflict: ‘WeTheBest-istan’

Speaking before a packed United Nations General Assembly, rapper-producer DJ Khaled has pitched a bold plan for resolving one of the world’s most intractable conflicts: the creation of a binational state in the Holy Land, with hip hop as its only religion. According to the Snapchat superpower’s peace proposal, Israel, the West Bank and Gaza Strip would be united as a single state called ‘WeTheBesti-istan’, with Khaled as President for Life and Jewish reggae superstar Matisyahu as Vice-President for Life. Khaled,...

Saudi Arabia Applauds Decision to Remove Wonder Woman As UN Ambassador For Female Empowerment

Saudi Arabia Applauds Decision to Remove Wonder Woman As UN Ambassador For Female Empowerment

Saudi Arabia’s representative to the UN Human Rights Council has made a statement applauding the decision of UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon to not renew Wonder Woman’s status as the ambassador for female empowerment. The Saudi’s objections to Wonder Woman echoed complaints of many feminists that she was a culturally insensitive and overtly sexualized character with “a shimmery, thigh-baring bodysuit with an American flag motif, knee-high boots”, and small albeit perfect, breasts. The Saudi Representative also added that Wonder Woman...

Walt Disney’s Epcot Opens ‘Little Israel’

Walt Disney’s Epcot Opens ‘Little Israel’

ORLANDO, FL — The Happiest Place On Earth just got a little happier, as Disney announced the opening of Little Israel at Epcot Center this past weekend, just in time for Hanukkah and Christmas.  The multinational corporation has carved out some land to represent the Jewish State, providing authentic cultural experiences all staffed by out-of-your-league chicks rocking casually slung assault rifles. As Epcot is known for showcasing technological innovations from around the world, Little Israel features the Iron Dome Missile...