Culture

Ivanka, Jared Kushner Visit Confirms Saudi Opinion of Jews

Ivanka, Jared Kushner Visit Confirms Saudi Opinion of Jews

Saying that they were disgusted but a bit relieved to learn that their stereotypes were in fact spot on, Saudi officials reportedly emerged from meetings with Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner more certain than ever of their negative opinion of Jews. “My whole life I was told that Jews were immoral and obsessed solely with money and power, but I couldn’t know for sure since I had never met one,” one Saudi prince confided to The Mideast Beast. “But after...

Cuming to Skies Near You: Air Aviv to Offer Clothing-Optional “Adults-Only” Class

Cuming to Skies Near You: Air Aviv to Offer Clothing-Optional “Adults-Only” Class

TEL AVIV – For the first time in aviation history, Tel Aviv-based carrier Air Aviv will offer a restricted, clothing-optional “Adults-Only Class” on selected trans-Mediterranean routes. The separate section – to be located at the rear of each aircraft – will offer five rows of business class-quality seats, each with widescreen flat screen with over 10,000 free adult films, retractable privacy shutters, complimentary lubricant, hand towel and one disposable sex toy per passenger. Exclusive double and triple pods will also be available, and...

After Stealing from Jihadi Playbook, Hare Krishna Returns with a Vengeance

After Stealing from Jihadi Playbook, Hare Krishna Returns with a Vengeance

Just when the world thought it was safe to walk through an airport terminal or attend a public street festival without being assaulted by the calming sound of small temple bells and the hypnotic Maha Mantra Hare Krishna Hare Krishna, they’re back with a vengeance. They aren’t your father’s Krishnas. Nope. These guys have resurfaced out of the radical hotbed known as the Middle East, where competing terrorist groups attempt to out-do one another with trash talk, opening the most Twitter accounts,...

“Operation Palestone”: IDF to Hand out Free Joints to Would-Be Stabbers

“Operation Palestone”: IDF to Hand out Free Joints to Would-Be Stabbers

RAMALLAH – Vowing to “cannabize counter-terrorism efforts,” the Israel Defense Forces unveiled a highly unorthodox policy today to combat a spate of attacks against its soldiers and civilians. “Every morning, free marijuana joints will be distributed to Palestinians under the age of 30,” said Maj. Gen. Nisan Ya’alon of the IDF Central Command. “By blunting their rage with drug-induced bliss, we aim to prevent them from perpetrating future terror attacks,” Ya’alon said, referring to stabbings and car-rammings carried out by mainly young...

Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”

Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”

RAMALLAH – While smoking a joint decorated in the colors of his nation’s flag, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas announced today that his country will become the first in the Middle East to allow the production, sale and consumption of cannabis. Explaining his surprising decision, Abbas said: “With the tax revenue and skyrocketing export income, we’ll bulldoze the West Bank’s refugee camps and build their long-suffering residents houses that put the red-roofed faux villas of the settlers to shame. We’ll...

Trump Considering Dye Job After Bibi’s Success

Trump Considering Dye Job After Bibi’s Success

Israel’s Prime Minister, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu has shocked the world by dying his hair to one of the other 50 shades of gray, and it has apparently sent his approval ratings through the roof – especially with sexually deprived housewives.  An avid Bibi hater admitted, “I ran into this nice guy, who was really smart and had great ideas about the future of Israel… I didn’t even recognize that it was the same guy that I have despised and ridiculed...

World Wakes to Shocking News: ‘Not Everything is About Israel’

World Wakes to Shocking News: ‘Not Everything is About Israel’

Citizens around the world, especially Israelis, are waking up this morning to the shocking news that not everything going on in the world involves and revolves around Israel. International developments for which Israelis have no involvement include: Accelerating spread of Ebola through West Africa and other parts of the world. This apparently was not caused by a dropped test tube in a secret chemical warfare lab in the Negev desert. Gun violence in America is not instigated by Mossad black operations units working alongside special...

Israeli Officials Recommend Skipping 69th Independence Day Celebrations to Avoid STD Outbreak

Israeli Officials Recommend Skipping 69th Independence Day Celebrations to Avoid STD Outbreak

The Israeli Ministry of Health has made a recommendation that Israel skips its 69th birthday and move directly to its 70th. The proposal came about after an innocent Google search revealed that the number ‘69’ has sexual connotations. “I searched ‘how to properly celebrate 69’ on Google to get some ideas for Independence Day and I was shocked, and aroused, by some of the images that appeared,” explained Culture Minister Miri Regev. “After engaging in some personal field research, I realized how...

In Exclusive 69th Birthday Interview, Israel Says, “I’m Ready to Expand a Bit.”

In Exclusive 69th Birthday Interview, Israel Says, “I’m Ready to Expand a Bit.”

Today is Israel’s 69th birthday and apparently he’s grown tired of his size and he’s looking to stretch his legs a bit. At least that’s what the Zionist stud told The Mideast Beast when he caught up with him for a quick interview. “Let’s be honest, I didn’t ask for this God-given role. Yet here I am, over 3,000 years later, still a hoppin’ A-list superstar. Even the haters can’t stop talking. But look at me; I’m a midget! Sorry, ‘Person of Short...

ISIS to Sell Soiled Jeans to Nordstrom

ISIS to Sell Soiled Jeans to Nordstrom

The Islamic State has finally come up with a solution to its financial problems, as the department store Nordstrom has agreed to pay hundreds of dollars per item for pairs of soiled jeans worn by the group’s fighters. “After we lost our access to oil and ran out of priceless art to sell, we were so broke we thought we might have to shut down shop,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi admitted. “But then we saw that those infidels at...

Iraq Voted onto UN Women’s Council, Saudi Arabia Shocked

Iraq Voted onto UN Women’s Council, Saudi Arabia Shocked

Saudi Arabia, recently elected to represent women on the United Nations Commission on the Status of Women, is apparently shocked that Iraq, a country where women’s rights are declining rapidly, would be included.  A Saudi leader commented, “I mean, I understand why we were elected to join, but Iraq!?!?” “We aren’t really sure how our country was elected, it’s definitely not something we support… women’s rights that is.  We’re pretty much the wife beater of the Middle East. But at...

BREAKING: Genesis 12:3 Decides to Retire

BREAKING: Genesis 12:3 Decides to Retire

In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast (TMB) Genesis 12:3 has revealed that it is uncomfortable with its current fame and is considering retiring from the bible. “It used to be that I was a bit part player in the whole story,” Genesis 12:3 told TMB in its first interview in several centuries. “You know I was just that verse that was used to make sure Genesis 12:2 and Genesis 12:4 didn’t bump in to each other.” However, Genesis 12:3 says that in the...

Mideast Enemies Unite to Make Camel Racing an Olympic Sport

Mideast Enemies Unite to Make Camel Racing an Olympic Sport

DOHA – Despite multiple bloody wars rocking the region, nearly 20 Middle Eastern countries have launched a joint bid to have camel racing declared an Olympic sport. A delegation is due in Switzerland next week to argue their case before the International Olympic Committee. At a press conference in Doha, Qatar’s Sheikh Jamaal bin Tamim Al Thani, chairman of the International Camel Racing Federation (ICRAC) and co-chair of the bid, said: “Camel racing is hugely popular across nearly 40 countries...

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Following years of research, a team of scientists and doctors made an announcement today that adds new layers to a millennia-old belief system. Like famed rocker Elvis Presley, Jesus Christ gained some measure of fame before dying suddenly, and also like Elvis, people maintain that he is yet among us. Innumerable people have dedicated their lives to the pursuit of gaining further insight into Jesus’ life and personal details. Today, Jesus fans (called, “Christians”) got a surprise dose of medical...

Saudi King to Mike Pence: “You can be my VP Anytime.”

Saudi King to Mike Pence: “You can be my VP Anytime.”

King Salman of Saudi Arabia has expressed his admiration for Vice President Pence’s stance on meeting with women. In a statement to The Mideast Beast, he said, “He really does have a sensible approach which really resonates here in The Kingdom. The fact that he allows them to be uncovered in his presence is a little ‘progressive’ but I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s just something to pacify the ‘libtards’.” Aryeh Deri, Chairman of Shas, the ultra-Orthodox political party of...

ISIS Leader Suffers Gender Identity Crisis, Demands to be Called ‘Amy’

ISIS Leader Suffers Gender Identity Crisis, Demands to be Called ‘Amy’

Fresh off a string of stunning battlefield failures, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has locked himself in his room and refuses to come out.  Mr. and Mrs. al-Baghdadi are at a loss for how to deal with their increasingly distant and willful son, the new Caliph of the Islamic State. “It began when he turned 13, and we didn’t give him a bat mitzvah. But it’s because we aren’t Jewish, not that we don’t love him, but he insisted that...

Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Leaders Praise Trump for Refusing Handshake with Woman

Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Leaders Praise Trump for Refusing Handshake with Woman

President Trump’s refusal to shake German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s hand has won him the support of Israel’s Haredi community, as religious conservatives welcomed an unlikely ally in their battle against the mixing of the genders. “For years we’ve been refusing to sit on planes or busses with women who are not our wives because any physical contact between the sexes is wrong, and we are glad that the president has finally come around,” a spokesman for the ultra-orthodox, Jewish community...

Taliban on A Day Without a Woman: ‘We’re Way Ahead of You’

Taliban on A Day Without a Woman: ‘We’re Way Ahead of You’

The ‘A Day Without a Woman’ movement gained an unlikely supporter this week, as the Taliban praised the initiative to keep women from going to work in support for gender equality. “While women in the US are finally skipping work in order to protest the patriarchy, we have been vigilantly enforcing the ‘Day Without a Woman’ cause every day for more than 20 years,” a Taliban spokesman said. “In fact, we take the ‘Day Without a Woman’ initiative so seriously...

Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes

Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes

In a recent military ceremony, Chief of Israel Defense Force (IDF) Ground Forces Command handed out medals to several IDF soldiers following the successful repatriation of two lost camels to Palestine. “This was a complex operation where there was the very real danger that these brave men and women could have resorted to any number of juvenile jokes relating to camels, their owners, and the potential of a close relationship between the two. It is a tribute to them that there was...

Saudi Government Torn Over Whether to Let Caitlyn Jenner Drive

Saudi Government Torn Over Whether to Let Caitlyn Jenner Drive

Saudi officials have held a series of emergency meetings over the past month, as the government has struggled over whether former Olympian and reality TV star Caitlyn Jenner, who was born a man but last month revealed that she identified as a woman, would be allowed to drive or appear unveiled in public if she ever visits the Kingdom. “Allah decides who is a man and who is a woman, and Bruce Jenner cannot change the will of Allah, so...