The race for the US presidency has dwindled down to its final two candidates (Bernie, let’s not make this any harder than it has to be) and Barack Obama has thrown his support behind Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton. “In the 2008 democratic primaries I schooled the botox right out of Hillary, then asked her to be my Secretary of State. I recall...
Quoting security concerns from the surge of Syrian refugees, Donald Trump issued a statement calling for the immediate ban of dicks entering the United States. In a town hall event, Trump stated, “If you look at the terror attacks that have happened both at home and abroad, there’s only one group responsible: dicks. We need to screen for dicks and not let...
Claiming that his group’s goal of destroying America had clearly been achieved, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi declared “Mission Accomplished” following former Alaska governor Sarah Palin’s OMFG endorsement of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. “There were many who laughed at me when I declared the restoration of the Islamic caliphate and promised that it would bring about the downfall of the American infidels,” Baghdadi...
In an effort to improve his standing among Muslim voters, Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump posted a picture on Facebook Friday of himself eating falafel while giving a thumbs up to the camera. “Having the best jihad balls from the Trump Tower kitchen,” Trump wrote in the Facebook post, referring to the falafel. “I love Muslims and their strange terrorist...
Just two days after claiming that Ted Cruz’s father aided JFK’s assassin, Donald Trump has alleged that Hugh E. Rodham orchestrated the slaying of Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin. “Crooked Hillary got her daddy to organize the hit [by religious extremist Yigal Amir] in order to boost the reputation of her rapist husband, Bighead Bill,” said the GOP presidential candidate....
Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump surprised foreign policy experts this week, delivering a speech in which he not only refrained from promising to nuke any of America’s allies but correctly pronounced the names of several Middle Eastern nations, including Syria. “I had expected him to nail Libya and Egypt, since those are pretty easy to pronounce,” former Middle East negotiator...
ALLENTOWN, PA – At a rally in America’s ‘Little Syria,’ Hillary Clinton once again reaffirmed her reputation for saying or doing absolutely anything to get elected. “I’ll never forget that harrowing day when we fled violence-plagued Chicago for the safety of the suburbs,” a teary-eyed Democratic U.S. Presidential frontrunner told the crowd ahead of the Keystone State’s Tuesday primary. “And the...
In a move that has outraged Jewish groups throughout the United States, the European Union has called for Democratic Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders to be clearly labelled as “Jewish.” “We feel that many voters are unaware of Bernie’s true identity,” one high-ranking EU official said yesterday in a statement. “Senator Sanders will have to wear a mark of some sort to...
The Jewish outreach efforts of GOP Presidential hopeful John Kasich ended in a hail of menacing matzah balls after he invoked an infamous anti-Semitic falsehood during a recent campaign stop in Brooklyn. Ahead of Passover and the Republican New York primary, Kasich met with Orthodox Jews at a Borough Park yeshivah in an attempt to win their votes – and perhaps sway...
Ahead of Passover, many Jewish Americans are debating which extra plague to include in the Seder night recitation of the Ten Plagues of Egypt. “Trump fans and Bernie Bros are as idiotic and dangerous as each other,” said Ira Abrahmovitz, who is weighing which group to add to the list of biblical plagues that Jews read out alone during Seder. “Whether...
Citing President Obama’s adherence to international law when it comes to killing civilians, Donald Trump told the media that the president is overly controlled by “political correctness,” and that a President Trump would kill all families of suspected terrorists, presumably including the children. “International law?” Trump spat in response to a reporter’s question about the Geneva Conventions. “Do you think these...
Speaking at a rally in upstate New York earlier today, Trump said that, unlike “our current ‘all-talk-no-action’ leaders,” his draconian policy was the only way to “once and for all eradicate this fifth column lurking in our midst.” Appropriating an Islamic legal term made infamous in the West when Iran called for the murder of novelist Salman Rushdie, the Republican...
Less than a week after erroneously claiming that Israel killed “over 10,000 innocents” in the 2014 Gaza War, Democratic U.S. Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has earned the endorsement of the Islamist group Hamas. “Sanders is just our kind of Jew,” said Hamas spokesman Sami Abu Zuhri on Al Aqsa TV yesterday. “Whereas Hillary Clinton is a Zionist c**t from hell, Sanders...
Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s upcoming speech to AIPAC, the influential pro-Israel lobby, has presented a unique predicament for social justice warriors across the United States, as the leftists have not been able to decide which side to protest. “We were going to post a bunch of comments on Trump’s Facebook page telling him, ‘Don’t speak to those apartheid-supporting Jews,...
BOCA RATON – After his resounding victory in Florida’s GOP presidential primary, elderly Jewish Floridians who voted for Donald Trump have admitted that they don’t get what all the fuss is about. Sitting in the dining room of Beth Tzion, Palm Beach County’s Jewish old age home, 82-year-old resident Hymie Rosenberg praised the controversial GOP frontrunner for his “strength, wisdom...
Showing how seriously she regrets her vote in favor of the Iraq War, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton today announced her intention, if elected, to restore Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein to power. Fox News mocked the plan – after a quick Wikipedia check – pointing out that Hussein was executed back in 2006. Sources tell The Mideast Beast, however,...
Leaders across the Middle East are calling for the spread of dictatorship to the United States, as the ongoing presidential election campaign has shined a light on the dangers of democratic governance. “While Egypt’s citizens are protected from whack jobs who try to win over voters by bragging about the size of their peckers, in America an orange steak salesman/reality...
With prominent anti-Semites including former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke and Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan endorsing Republican billionaire Donald Trump in his run for President, other noted anti-Semites including Richard Falk and the leaders of ISIS and al Qaeda are facing increasing pressure to get on board the Trump bandwagon. “On the one hand, the infidel Trump represents...
As the specter of a Trump Presidency creeps nearer and nearer, stinky and unwanted, like the aftermath of an especially beany taco Tuesday, the Orange American is keeping his foot on the gas. Many had predicted that if The Donald even made it this far, he would have to tone down his rhetoric. But that clearly isn’t the case, as...
Libyan terror group Ansar al-Sharia, which helped carry out the 2012 attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, lashed out at House Republicans this week after claims surfaced that a series of investigations into the attack were aimed at damaging Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. “While we were initially pleased that Congress was holding so many hearings in response to...
