2016 US Presidential Election

The Zohan Launches Presidential Run, Vows to “Make America Hummus-ier”

The Zohan Launches Presidential Run, Vows to “Make America Hummus-ier”

NEW YORK – Declaring that “neither De Donald nor De Hillary has what it takes to spread de American Dream around,” counter terrorist-turned-hair and hummus tycoon Zohan Dvir announced a historic independent run for the White House today, potentially transforming the current two-way U.S. Presidential race. “De Hillary is like smearing stale peanut butter on your toast, and De Donald like arsenic-laden shit,” said Dvir at his Ellis Island campaign launch, flanked by his running mate, wife and business partner,...

Quotes by Clinton and Trump…but Which Ones Are Real?

Quotes by Clinton and Trump…but Which Ones Are Real?

Hillary Clinton “It’s time for the United States to start thinking of Iraq as a business opportunity.” “Trump says he doesn’t like Assad, but would build a luxury golf course in Syria. Has a presidential candidate ever been this detached from reality? I’ve been in public life for decades and I think the answer is a resounding ‘no’.” “We should pursue a comprehensive counterterrorism strategy, one that embeds our mission against ISIS within a broader struggle against radical jihadism that...

State Department Workers Abandon Review of 15,000 Clinton Emails, Seek Asylum at Saudi Arabian Embassy

State Department Workers Abandon Review of 15,000 Clinton Emails, Seek Asylum at Saudi Arabian Embassy

Dozens of civil servants tasked with analyzing nearly 15,000 emails of previously undisclosed communications from Hillary Clinton’s private server whilst she was Secretary of State have abandoned their posts and sought asylum at the nearby Saudi Arabian embassy. “It was worse than sitting through Zoolander 2. We were told that no one could leave until somebody found something nasty on Clinton. The only reason I became a public employee was to avoid responsibility, work for a boss with low personal...

Clinton: If Elected President, Bill Will Be Kept Away from the Interns

Clinton: If Elected President, Bill Will Be Kept Away from the Interns

Addressing concerns that a philandering ‘First Dude’ could scandalize a future Hillary Clinton Administration, the Democratic U.S. Presidential nominee vowed on Friday to “keep Bill on a short, GPS-reinforced leash.” “Look, even though Bill has apologized for what happened – which occurred nearly twenty years ago, I may add – I’ll put preventative measures in place,” former First Lady Hillary Clinton said in an interview with Dianne Sawyer. The so-called “Monicagate” scandal threatened to bring down then President Bill Clinton after...

Trump Bombshell: “You Got Me: I Have a Black Soul”

Trump Bombshell: “You Got Me: I Have a Black Soul”

In a surprising move Donald Trump has agreed with Khizr Khan, the father of a Muslim US soldier slain in Iraq in 2004, that he has a “black soul”, and lacks basic human empathy. “You got me! This is one thing, besides my freakishly small hands and tax returns, that I’ve been hiding from the American people. I do have a black soul. But not like Khan thinks. I always felt different, growing up in the in the all-white Jamaica...

Trump Campaign Warily Monitors Athletic Ability of Mexican and Syrian Olympic Athletes

Trump Campaign Warily Monitors Athletic Ability of Mexican and Syrian Olympic Athletes

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL –  While the rest of the world revels in the spectacle of the Olympic games, and quakes in fear of the Zika virus coming home with their athletes, one group is engrossed in the competition for an entirely different reason. “I’m so glad I planned it this way,” Donald Trump told his staff this week, “I’m such a genius for scheduling the election right after the Olympics.”  Given that to the outside world, this statement seemed as crazy as anything else Trump...

Donald Trump Accuses Refugee Olympic Team of Stealing his Spotlight

Donald Trump Accuses Refugee Olympic Team of Stealing his Spotlight

Donald Trump condemned the Olympic Refugee Team today as “low-energy cheaters who are in cahoots with lyin’ crooked Hillary Clinton to knock me off the front page.” Following refugee swimmer Yusra Mardini’s 41st place finish in the 100m butterfly preliminary rounds on Saturday, Trump posted on Facebook: “How can someone who came in dead last get so much coverage? New poll just released: I’m surging among tattooed, out-of-work, heat packing Rottweiler owners who have at least two prior drug convictions....

Trump Promises to Raise Captain Humayan Khan from the Dead, Deport him Immediately After

Trump Promises to Raise Captain Humayan Khan from the Dead, Deport him Immediately After

Doubling down on his strategy to attack Khizr and Ghazala Khan, the Gold Star parents of deceased Captain Humayan Khan, Trump continued his ‘say the stupidest thing possible and still get elected’ campaign by claiming that had he been president 12 years ago Khizr Khan’s son would still be alive. He also stated that if elected president, he is the only one that could resurrect the Bronze Star and Purple Star recipient. “If I was president at the time, he...

Trump on Slain U.S. Muslim Soldier’s Mom: ‘With A Face Like Hers, He’s Better Off Dead!’

Trump on Slain U.S. Muslim Soldier’s Mom: ‘With A Face Like Hers, He’s Better Off Dead!’

NEW YORK – The war of words between Donald J. Trump and the parents of a fallen U.S. soldier significantly escalated last night after the GOP presidential nominee repeatedly insulted the appearance of Army Captain Humayun Khan’s bereaved mother. After reiterating his previous attacks on Ghazala Khan and her husband, Khizr, Trump told Fox News’s Sean Hannity: “Imagine having a mother with a face like that? I mean, at the very least, would it kill her to smile sometimes? A...

Hillary Clinton Denies Having a Jewish Heritage; Admits to “Slight Resemblance”

Hillary Clinton Denies Having a Jewish Heritage; Admits to “Slight Resemblance”

Former First Lady and Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton categorically denied being a member of the Chosen People of God over the weekend, saying, “I know I have the nose for it, and perhaps even the temperament, but I am in no way connected to those Jews.” Speaking at a ‘Friends of Saudi Arabia’ fundraiser, the former Secretary of State cited example after example of her personal ill-will toward the descendants of Abraham and Sarah. “Truth be told, I’ve always been more...

In Bid to Win ISIS Vote, Trump Vows ‘Blood of the Infidels Will Run Like a River’

In Bid to Win ISIS Vote, Trump Vows ‘Blood of the Infidels Will Run Like a River’

With polls showing Hillary Clinton with a sizable lead following the Democratic convention, Republican presidential candidate and former Carrot Top impersonator Donald Trump has announced that his campaign will now target disillusioned “ISIS-American” voters this fall. “Now crooked Hillary may be too politically correct to say, ‘There is no God but Allah, and Muhammed is his prophet,’ but, believe me, I will not only say it but I will be very tough – very tough – against anyone who disagrees,”...

Trump Promises to Amend Declaration of Independence to Address ‘Radical Islamic Terrorism’

Trump Promises to Amend Declaration of Independence to Address ‘Radical Islamic Terrorism’

Promising an amendment to the document if elected, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump blasted America’s founding fathers for being “too politically correct” to use the words “radical Islamic terrorism” in the Declaration of Independence. “Hey, I haven’t actually had time to read the Declaration of Independence, but believe me, I was shocked when my advisors told me that there wasn’t one mention of radical Islamists,” Trump said at a rally on Sunday. “My staffers gave me the cliff notes version – really boring, by the...

Muslim Ban Needed to Protect Me from Meanies Like Khizr Khan, Trump Says

Muslim Ban Needed to Protect Me from Meanies Like Khizr Khan, Trump Says

Saying he had been “deeply triggered” by Muslim American Khizr Khan’s critical speech at the Democratic National Convention, Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump reiterated his call for an immediate and complete ban on Muslims entering the country. “Listen, if we had put the Muslim ban in place a long time ago, we could have stopped Khizr Khan from ever giving his hurtful speech,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “These Muslims trying to enter the country, we have no idea why...

Liberal Arab Activists Withdraw Their Calls for Democracy Following Trump Nomination

Liberal Arab Activists Withdraw Their Calls for Democracy Following Trump Nomination

CAIRO — As Donald Trump won enough delegates to become the Republican presidential nominee last week, liberal activists from across the Arab world have retracted their longstanding demand that their countries adopt democratic rule. “For years, I have been calling for democratic elections and for the will of the people to prevail,” Saudi blogger Raif Badawi told The Mideast Beast. “Now, with Mr. Trump winning among Western-educated Americans, I stand corrected. Clearly I deserve my floggings.” Trump’s electoral rise has vindicated decades of...

Trump Promises to Strengthen ISIS by Weakening American Democracy

Trump Promises to Strengthen ISIS by Weakening American Democracy

WASHINGTON D.C. — Following his promise on Fox News to “strengthen ISIS”, the presumptive Republican nominee, Donald Trump, vowed today to “turn them into a very, very serious threat”. Trump promised to continue making “literally the most Islamophobic remarks any President could ever make”, in order to “increase recruitment to ISIS in the US by so-so-so much folks”. He elaborated that some of his ideas, including “a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States” and surveillance of...

ISIS to End its Caliphate, Throw Farewell Party at Republican National Convention

ISIS to End its Caliphate, Throw Farewell Party at Republican National Convention

WASHINGTON D.C. — For weeks, rumors have persisted that A-list celebrities might be making an appearance at Donald Trump’s Republican National Convention this summer. Yet while the GOP Convention will not include Mike Tyson, Bruce Wills, or a single Jew, it will feature leaders of the militant group, the Islamic State. ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said;  “We always get off on messing with Americans. They’re like the dimwitted neighborhood kid whose mother makes him wear a football helmet to...

Trump Picks Embattled Syrian President Assad as Running Mate

Trump Picks Embattled Syrian President Assad as Running Mate

Calling the Syrian strongman “a guy who’s really good at killing terrorists,” Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has named Syrian President Bashar al-Assad as his running mate. “Listen, this guy is a really, really bad guy. Really bad guy,” Trump said as he introduced Assad at a campaign rally. “But you know what he does good? He kills terrorists. I mean, he kills people with long beards and those stupid things on their heads, I assume they’re terrorists.” RELATED: Trump: “Obama...

Trump’s Jewish Grandkids: If You Become President, Please Don’t Gas Us

Trump’s Jewish Grandkids: If You Become President, Please Don’t Gas Us

NEW YORK – Citing widespread support for his presidential bid by white supremacists, Ivanka Trump’s children have reportedly issued an impassioned appeal to “Grandpa Don to spare us the horrors of a second Holocaust” if the presumptive GOP nominee wins in November. The somewhat hysterical plea follows multiple anti-Semitic and otherwise racist incidents that have marred the Republican’s campaign for the White House – the most recent being a tweet by Trump labeling Hillary Clinton the “most corrupt candidate ever,” with...

In Show of Support for Terror Victims, Trump Vows to Build New Golf Course in Istanbul

In Show of Support for Terror Victims, Trump Vows to Build New Golf Course in Istanbul

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump saluted the Turkish people after a heinous terror attack at Ataturk airport in Istanbul, which killed 42 people and injured more than 230. “Wherever evil strikes, we will strike back…by constructing a Turnberry golf course. Turkey needs to take back its country, just like the United Kingdom did. Wherever we break ground on a front nine, amazing things happen. I believe that JFK was killed by Ronald McDonald, so why wouldn’t I think that my...

Deleted Clinton E-mails Reveal Secretary of State’s True Feelings about Israel

Deleted Clinton E-mails Reveal Secretary of State’s True Feelings about Israel

Among the new batch of e-mails from Hillary Clinton’s time at the State Department that surfaced today, several depict the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee as hostile towards Israel. “What a shitty little country. I just got off the phone with Netanyahu. Sure, he wants a peace deal with the Palestinians: as long as I get him and the Mrs. tickets to see ‘Kinky Boots’ on Broadway. What’s he smoking?  That show’s sold out forever. Trust me, Saudi Arabia will start allowing...