2016 US Presidential Election

Gary Johnson Memorizes Entire ‘Mosul’ Wikipedia Page

Gary Johnson Memorizes Entire ‘Mosul’ Wikipedia Page

Saying he would be ready if asked by an interviewer about the ISIS-held Iraqi city, Libertarian presidential nominee Gary Johnson has reportedly memorized the entire Wikipedia page for ‘Mosul,’ which has been in the news recently as Iraqi forces try to reclaim the city. “When Mike Barnicle tries to stump me with a ‘gotcha’ question like, ‘What do you think about Mosul?” Johnson explained, referring to his embarrassing ‘Aleppo moment’ last month, “I’ll be like, ‘Well I think that Mosul...

Clinton: I’m as Qualified as Any Male Candidate to Fail at Solving Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Clinton: I’m as Qualified as Any Male Candidate to Fail at Solving Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

In a statement to the media today, the Democratic presidential nominee addressed sexist analyses of her qualifications.  Hillary Clinton spoke directly to those critics claiming that America just isn’t ready for its first female President, maintaining her trademark air of stately confidence, with just a hint of bitterness at potentially having the Oval Office snatched out of her hands yet again.  The number one concern seems to be the assumption that a female President can’t or won’t be as tough...

Hillary Promises ‘ISIS Reset’ as President

Hillary Promises ‘ISIS Reset’ as President

Citing the success of her “Russian Reset” as Secretary of State, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has promised to launch an “ISIS Reset” if elected this November. “While it’s clear that the United States and the Islamic State have gotten off on the wrong foot, it’s about time that we focus on our common interests and work together on key objectives,” Clinton said in a joint press conference with ISIS leader Abu Bakr al Baghdadi. “It’s time we hit the...

Syrian Civilians to Trump: “Civil War Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be”

Syrian Civilians to Trump: “Civil War Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be”

Residents of Aleppo have suggested to Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump that civil wars are not nearly as good an idea as he seems to think. “Hey look I’m no fan of Hillary,” said Dr. Ahmed during a hasty cigarette break between his job as a trauma surgeon in Aleppo Mercy Hospital. “However I think on balance agreeing she won things fair and square is probably better than barrel bombs. Barrel bombs aren’t as fun as the name suggests.” It’s...

Web Searches on Google For “How to Move to Iraq” Skyrocket after 3rd Presidential Debate

Web Searches on Google For “How to Move to Iraq” Skyrocket after 3rd Presidential Debate

Following the final presidential debate, Google trends revealed that searches on ‘how to move to Iraq’ had surged by nearly 300%. “It kinda makes sense” said registered voter Roberto Seitelman. “The US is about to get ugly, regardless of who wins this one. Iraq can’t really get any worse and I hear they are about to get Mosul back, so honestly they can only go up!” When asked about the statistic, Iraqi Prime Minister Haider al-Abadi provided a tepid response....

Trump Unveils Plan to Battle ISIS by Complaining that the War on Terror is Rigged

Trump Unveils Plan to Battle ISIS by Complaining that the War on Terror is Rigged

Noting that there is no better way to achieve victory than to complain about the fact that you are losing, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump announced plans to defeat ISIS by constantly complaining that the global war on terror is rigged against the West. In a detailed policy statement, Trump promised that as president, following successful terrorist attacks carried out by the group, he would tweet repeatedly that the jihadist’s approach was “not fair” and that the group was “cheating”...

CIA Asks Trump to Destroy ISIS the Same Way He’s Done to the Republican Party

CIA Asks Trump to Destroy ISIS the Same Way He’s Done to the Republican Party

With Donald Trump as the Republican presidential nominee, many analysts have already gone so far as to declare the GOP brain dead, even if it still remains on life support.  Diagnoses have already been made explaining just how the proud party of Lincoln wound up belonging in a golden asylum with ‘TRUMP’ written in giant letters on the front, with most experts agreeing that Trump has, like a tapeworm with a stick of dynamite, successfully destroyed the GOP from the...

Supporters of Sanders Torn Between Voting for Hillary or Joining ISIS

Supporters of Sanders Torn Between Voting for Hillary or Joining ISIS

With Hillary Clinton as the last line of defense for democrats in the upcoming election, supporters of Bernie Sanders are reportedly torn over whether to support the former Secretary of State or flee the country and join ISIS, calling both options equally awful. “On the one hand, leaving my family and traveling to Syria to live in the desert and behead innocent people seems really unappealing,” said one Sanders supporter. “But voting for Hillary? Now that’s just fucking torture.” Clinton had hoped...

Trump ‘Softens’ Immigration Policy, Offers “Free Hat to Every Deported Mexican”

Trump ‘Softens’ Immigration Policy, Offers “Free Hat to Every Deported Mexican”

TUCSON – Citing his “terrific compassion,” GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump has offered ‘Make America Great Again’ hats to all would-be deportees from the U.S. to “shield them from the harsh sun back in their homeland.” “And they say I’m a cold-hearted racist!” the billionaire told a rally in suburban Tucson yesterday. “Believe me, the Mexicans will be overjoyed with this token of their illegal stay in our amazing country,” he said, pointing to the red hat that has become synonymous with...

Trump Doubles Down, Calls All Iraq War Veterans ‘Pussies’

Trump Doubles Down, Calls All Iraq War Veterans ‘Pussies’

He says he would have prevented the 9/11 attacks, he’s criticized Senator John McCain for being captured during the Vietnam War, and presidential republican nominee Donald Trump shows no signs of backing down, as Trump yesterday blasted all Iraq war veterans as “a bunch of pussies and losers.” “If they were so tough, why didn’t they kill all those ISIS losers before they left?” Trump asked in an interview with The Mideast Beast. “Personally, I like guys who don’t lose wars.” RELATED: ISIS...

If Elected, Trump Vows to “Grab ISIS by the Pussy”

If Elected, Trump Vows to “Grab ISIS by the Pussy”

Donald Trump has announced that if elected president, his first course of action will be to “Grab ISIS by the Pussy”. “There is clearly tremendous hate in the main stream media, trying to turn such a great message into something negative. That is why, when elected President, I vow that I will grab ISIS by the pussy” said Trump. “I’m a nice guy. I’m here to make America great again and fix the issues caused by crooked Hilary Clinton and...

Female ISIS Prisoners Unsure Whether They’d Be Better or Worse Off with Trump Win

Female ISIS Prisoners Unsure Whether They’d Be Better or Worse Off with Trump Win

IRAQ – Territory controlled by ISIS is a bit like a seedy strip club, nobody inside really wins, but it’s especially bad for the women there.  As more information leaks out of the caliphate the world is finding out how dysfunctional and unhealthy it is on the inside, just like the souls of men in that strip club. With the U.S. Presidential election looming, the world is watching with baited breath to see which candidate, and thus which strategy to...

ISIS Leader Embraces Democracy after Watching Second Clinton-Trump Debate

ISIS Leader Embraces Democracy after Watching Second Clinton-Trump Debate

Abu bakr al-Baghdadi, CEO of the Islamic State, was so enthralled by the 90-minute presidential town hall debate that he has ordered his leadership to make a drastic change in how the organization conducts its worldwide Jihad campaign. “Starting today, we will conquer by lying, threatening, spreading vicious rumors and slinging unprecedented amounts of filth at our opponents. That should do the trick. Our internal polling consistently shows that beheading, hanging, raping and other enhanced persuasion techniques simply aren’t connecting...

ISIS Leader Offended Trump Hasn’t Praised Him as Strong Leader

ISIS Leader Offended Trump Hasn’t Praised Him as Strong Leader

Saying he hoped it was simply an oversite and not an intentional snub, ISIS caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi reported that he was “deeply hurt” that Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has yet to offer him any praise. “The Donald has called Vladimir Putin a strong leader, said that jackass Saddam was good at killing terrorists, and praised Gaddafi and Kim Jong Un, but can’t say one nice thing about me?” Baghdadi despaired. “After all the nice things I’ve said about him,...

World’s Satirists Planning Mass Suicide If Trump Loses to Clinton

World’s Satirists Planning Mass Suicide If Trump Loses to Clinton

From The Onion to The Mideast Beast, hundreds of satire writers have resolved to kill themselves on November 8 should Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton defeat GOP nominee Donald Trump, a months-long TMB investigation can reveal. “With the shit that pours out of that orange buffoon’s mouth, my articles over the past year have practically written themselves,” said one writer from The Onion, who is planning to jump from Chicago’s Willis Tower along with scores of colleagues. Employees at the...

Excluded from Trump’s “Spate of Hate,” Gays Cry Foul

Excluded from Trump’s “Spate of Hate,” Gays Cry Foul

LOS ANGELES – Alleging that Donald Trump’s “selective bigotry” is damaging their standing among fellow oppressed groups, angry gay Americans are demanding that the Republican presidential candidate extend his deluge of insults to them. At a rally in West Hollywood, hundreds of irate gay white men protested their “immoral exclusion from Trump’s spate of hate.” Complained James, a 24-year-old personal trainer from Venice Beach: “Not a single ‘faggot,’ ‘Sodomite,’ ‘pillow-biter,’ or ‘AIDS bunny’ comment. It’s just not fair – and it’s...

Experts Baffled as Trump Leads Saudi Election Polls

Experts Baffled as Trump Leads Saudi Election Polls

A new series of polls has political analysts perplexed, as American businessman Donald Trump holds a commanding lead in the upcoming Saudi election race despite holding views at odds with the population on nearly every issue. “Though Trump has called for a ban on Muslims in the U.S., praised soldiers for dipping bullets in pig blood, promised to kill the families of alleged terrorists, and vowed to close down mosques, he is leading among nearly every Saudi demographic, including religious...

Trump to Admit Obama Not Founder of ISIS by 2020

Trump to Admit Obama Not Founder of ISIS by 2020

Saying that he has always been one to acknowledge when he is wrong, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump is reportedly prepared to admit before the 2020 election that President Obama and Hillary Clinton did not, in fact, found ISIS. “After Mr. Trump claimed that President Obama was born in Kenya and that his birth certificate was a forgery, it was brought to his attention that this was inaccurate and he immediately, within five years, retracted his claim,” a senior advisor...

ISIS Leader to Release Medical Records on The Dr. Oz Show

ISIS Leader to Release Medical Records on The Dr. Oz Show

Saying he was tired of false reports of his death, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has agreed to appear on “The Dr. Oz Show” to present his medical records. After giving the ISIS Caliph a thorough physical, Dr. Mehmet Oz, the host of the popular TV show, said the caliph is a bit overweight but overall healthy and should be able to continue jihad for many years to come. “It is important that the leader of the Caliphate be in...

Gary Johnson Advisors Not Sure How to Tell Candidate About 9/11

Gary Johnson Advisors Not Sure How to Tell Candidate About 9/11

Noting that there was no easy way to broach the subject, advisors of Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson told reporters they are discussing how to tell their candidate about the tragic September 11 terrorist attacks that occurred 15 years ago. “There are going to be ceremonies all day Sunday, so it’s just a matter of time before he starts asking questions,” Johnson’s national security advisor told The Mideast Beast. “I just don’t know how he’s going to take it.” Advisors...