According to the psychic who relayed the story of an irate ISIS suicide bomber who contracted STDs in heaven, the late Mary MacLeod Trump regrets having her fourth child, Donald, on account of his “campaign of contagious hate.” “Mary is heartbroken that her son is spreading so much bigotry down here on earth,” alleges Shanti Shapiro, regarded as California’s premier...
Saying he would be ready if asked by an interviewer about the ISIS-held Iraqi city, Libertarian presidential nominee Gary Johnson has reportedly memorized the entire Wikipedia page for ‘Mosul,’ which has been in the news recently as Iraqi forces try to reclaim the city. “When Mike Barnicle tries to stump me with a ‘gotcha’ question like, ‘What do you think...
In a statement to the media today, the Democratic presidential nominee addressed sexist analyses of her qualifications. Hillary Clinton spoke directly to those critics claiming that America just isn’t ready for its first female President, maintaining her trademark air of stately confidence, with just a hint of bitterness at potentially having the Oval Office snatched out of her hands yet...
Citing the success of her “Russian Reset” as Secretary of State, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has promised to launch an “ISIS Reset” if elected this November. “While it’s clear that the United States and the Islamic State have gotten off on the wrong foot, it’s about time that we focus on our common interests and work together on key...
Following the final presidential debate, Google trends revealed that searches on ‘how to move to Iraq’ had surged by nearly 300%. “It kinda makes sense” said registered voter Roberto Seitelman. “The US is about to get ugly, regardless of who wins this one. Iraq can’t really get any worse and I hear they are about to get Mosul back, so...
Noting that there is no better way to achieve victory than to complain about the fact that you are losing, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump announced plans to defeat ISIS by constantly complaining that the global war on terror is rigged against the West. In a detailed policy statement, Trump promised that as president, following successful terrorist attacks carried out...
With Donald Trump as the Republican presidential nominee, many analysts have already gone so far as to declare the GOP brain dead, even if it still remains on life support. Diagnoses have already been made explaining just how the proud party of Lincoln wound up belonging in a golden asylum with ‘TRUMP’ written in giant letters on the front, with...
With Hillary Clinton as the last line of defense for democrats in the upcoming election, supporters of Bernie Sanders are reportedly torn over whether to support the former Secretary of State or flee the country and join ISIS, calling both options equally awful. “On the one hand, leaving my family and traveling to Syria to live in the desert and behead innocent...
TUCSON – Citing his “terrific compassion,” GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump has offered ‘Make America Great Again’ hats to all would-be deportees from the U.S. to “shield them from the harsh sun back in their homeland.” “And they say I’m a cold-hearted racist!” the billionaire told a rally in suburban Tucson yesterday. “Believe me, the Mexicans will be overjoyed with this token...
Donald Trump has announced that if elected president, his first course of action will be to “Grab ISIS by the Pussy”. “There is clearly tremendous hate in the main stream media, trying to turn such a great message into something negative. That is why, when elected President, I vow that I will grab ISIS by the pussy” said Trump. “I’m...
IRAQ – Territory controlled by ISIS is a bit like a seedy strip club, nobody inside really wins, but it’s especially bad for the women there. As more information leaks out of the caliphate the world is finding out how dysfunctional and unhealthy it is on the inside, just like the souls of men in that strip club. With the...
Abu bakr al-Baghdadi, CEO of the Islamic State, was so enthralled by the 90-minute presidential town hall debate that he has ordered his leadership to make a drastic change in how the organization conducts its worldwide Jihad campaign. “Starting today, we will conquer by lying, threatening, spreading vicious rumors and slinging unprecedented amounts of filth at our opponents. That should...
Saying he hoped it was simply an oversite and not an intentional snub, ISIS caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi reported that he was “deeply hurt” that Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has yet to offer him any praise. “The Donald has called Vladimir Putin a strong leader, said that jackass Saddam was good at killing terrorists, and praised Gaddafi and Kim Jong...
From The Onion to The Mideast Beast, hundreds of satire writers have resolved to kill themselves on November 8 should Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton defeat GOP nominee Donald Trump, a months-long TMB investigation can reveal. “With the shit that pours out of that orange buffoon’s mouth, my articles over the past year have practically written themselves,” said one writer...
LOS ANGELES – Alleging that Donald Trump’s “selective bigotry” is damaging their standing among fellow oppressed groups, angry gay Americans are demanding that the Republican presidential candidate extend his deluge of insults to them. At a rally in West Hollywood, hundreds of irate gay white men protested their “immoral exclusion from Trump’s spate of hate.” Complained James, a 24-year-old personal trainer...
A new series of polls has political analysts perplexed, as American businessman Donald Trump holds a commanding lead in the upcoming Saudi election race despite holding views at odds with the population on nearly every issue. “Though Trump has called for a ban on Muslims in the U.S., praised soldiers for dipping bullets in pig blood, promised to kill the...
Saying that he has always been one to acknowledge when he is wrong, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump is reportedly prepared to admit before the 2020 election that President Obama and Hillary Clinton did not, in fact, found ISIS. “After Mr. Trump claimed that President Obama was born in Kenya and that his birth certificate was a forgery, it was...
Saying he was tired of false reports of his death, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has agreed to appear on “The Dr. Oz Show” to present his medical records. After giving the ISIS Caliph a thorough physical, Dr. Mehmet Oz, the host of the popular TV show, said the caliph is a bit overweight but overall healthy and should be...
Noting that there was no easy way to broach the subject, advisors of Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson told reporters they are discussing how to tell their candidate about the tragic September 11 terrorist attacks that occurred 15 years ago. “There are going to be ceremonies all day Sunday, so it’s just a matter of time before he starts asking...
Hillary Clinton “It’s time for the United States to start thinking of Iraq as a business opportunity.” “Trump says he doesn’t like Assad, but would build a luxury golf course in Syria. Has a presidential candidate ever been this detached from reality? I’ve been in public life for decades and I think the answer is a resounding ‘no’.” “We should...
