Woody Pecker

 

After Stealing from Jihadi Playbook, Hare Krishna Returns with a Vengeance

After Stealing from Jihadi Playbook, Hare Krishna Returns with a Vengeance

Just when the world thought it was safe to walk through an airport terminal or attend a public street festival without being assaulted by the calming sound of small temple bells and the hypnotic Maha Mantra Hare Krishna Hare Krishna, they’re back with a vengeance. They aren’t your father’s Krishnas. Nope. These guys have resurfaced out of the radical hotbed known as the Middle East, where competing terrorist groups attempt to out-do one another with trash talk, opening the most Twitter accounts,...

UN Security Council Deems ‘The Mideast Beast’ a Terror Organization

UN Security Council Deems ‘The Mideast Beast’ a Terror Organization

New York City — Wire services report the United Nations Security Council’s five permanent members and ten non-permanent members have determined the online publication The Mideast Beast a terrorist organization in a vote of 15–0. Citing numerous examples of terror-related reports published on the web and social media, along with overwhelming evidence of the publication’s questionable motives, the council’s unanimous decision could result in UN sanctions. According to one United Nations insider that wished to remain anonymous, “We believe it to...

Americans to Allow Russian Air Strikes on Potential US Gun Violence Locations

Americans to Allow Russian Air Strikes on Potential US Gun Violence Locations

With the recent success of the Russian Air Force in Syria, destroying 29 ISIS camps in 24 hours, American lawmakers on both sides of the aisle have given the green light for President Vladimir Putin to ‘take care of business’ in America’s out-of-control gun violence zones. U.S. Secretary of State, John Kerry, jokingly came up with the idea in a National Security Council brainstorming session. Kerry is desperate for a personal ‘win’ after being passed over by the Nobel Committee for...

Roger Waters Condemns Life-Saving Surgery for Palestinian President’s Relative Because…Israel

Roger Waters Condemns Life-Saving Surgery for Palestinian President’s Relative Because…Israel

While knife-wielding Palestinian terrorists continue to imitate the less sexy parts of Game of Thrones with Israelis instead of the Starks, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas’ wife’s brother recently went under the knife for life-saving heart surgery at a private hospital in Tel Aviv. The only person more upset about this than the Grim Reaper is former Pink Floyd front man Roger Waters. Despite the vicious attacks and random violence, Israel approved the entry of Mrs. Abbas’ brother-in-law to receive treatment...

Kerry Returns to Meddle in the Middle East

Kerry Returns to Meddle in the Middle East

Here’s Johnny!  The master of interference, US Secretary of State, John Kerry announced plans to travel to the Middle East in an effort to create more chaos, cause irrevocable damage to any future Israeli-Palestinian peace process, and rack up some decent Delta SkyMiles®. Kerry’s goal to calm the current violence, persuade leaders on both sides of the conflict to return to the negotiating table and restart the peace process is delusional at best. The only thing both Palestinian President Mahmoud...

Israel to Boycott Paris’ Left Bank Products

Israel to Boycott Paris’ Left Bank Products

In a retaliatory new strategy to fight European countries’ endorsement of a BDS boycott of products made or produced in the West Bank, an anti-BDS movement is being launched by Israel to shun products from the Left Bank in Paris. ‘Left Bank? No Thanks.’ The embargo officially begins with products from the Left Bank of the River Seine in Paris and will roll out in phases to include all of France. ‘Boycott the Boycotters’ founder Reuven Avraham spoke to The Mideast...

Air Force Gang Bang Above Syria Prepared to Shoot a Load

Air Force Gang Bang Above Syria Prepared to Shoot a Load

According to United States Army Major General Walter J. Foreskin, as he met with senior CENTCOM brass to discuss latest developments in Russia’s military intervention in Syria, “It’s one big cluster fuck up there.” Competing coalition forces are jogging for position and air superiority in the unfriendly skies above Syria ushering in a dangerous turn of events in the brutal civil war. General Foreskin, a testosterone-driven missile of a man with a short fuse, was abrupt when talking with reporters; “The...

Germany Finds Housing for All Refugees…at Former Nazi Death Camps

Germany Finds Housing for All Refugees…at Former Nazi Death Camps

While offensive on a number of levels, Germany is housing refugees at the former notorious Nazi death camps Dachau and Buchenwald. “We’re putting these dreary old empty barracks to better use,” former concentration camp ‘caretaker’ Fritz Höheischweiler told The Mideast Beast. “We are Germans. Good Germans with efficient solutions.” Dieter Ulrich, groundskeeper, added, “We welcome refugees with open arms. Most of them are Muslims who don’t know the history here and those who do, deny it anyhow. My kind of...

Obama Smoking Again After Netanyahu-Putin Rendezvous in Moscow

Obama Smoking Again After Netanyahu-Putin Rendezvous in Moscow

An unconfirmed White House source reports seeing President Barack Obama smoking in the Rose Garden while walking Bo the family’s Portuguese Water Dog. The informant who wished to remain anonymous said, “I saw the President ‘light up’ sometime after he was informed of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s trip to meet with Russian President Vladimir Putin.” NSA confirmed the Moscow visit, code name ‘The Kremlin Quickie’. The so-called unplanned trip to discuss regional arms transfers, Russia’s troop deployments in Syria, and...

Netanyahu Meets Putin to Discuss No-Fly Zone Above Bar Refaeli’s Wedding

Netanyahu Meets Putin to Discuss No-Fly Zone Above Bar Refaeli’s Wedding

The Mideast Beast has learned, from confidential Israeli military sources, that Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu’s lightning trip to Moscow to meet Russian President Vladimir Putin involved coordinating plans to enforce a no-fly zone over the upcoming wedding venue for Israel celebrity model Bar Refaeli. The 30-year-old super model, who previously dated actor Leonardo DiCaprio, is set to marry Israeli businessman Adi Ezra at a resort in the Carmel forest. The Israel Defense Force Chief of Staff  and Military Intelligence chief...

Iranian Leader Strangely Congratulates Ann Coulter’s Twitter Message

Iranian Leader Strangely Congratulates Ann Coulter’s Twitter Message

Sources in Iran’s opposition movement report the Supreme Leader was ‘giddy as hell’ when he heard Conservative pundit Ann Coulter was tweeting about Jews and Israel during Wednesday night’s GOP debate. “How many f—ing Jews do these people think there are in the United States?” read her post accusing presidential hopefuls of pandering to Jewish voters. The source revealed Ayatollah Khamenei was trembling with so much excitement he didn’t spell-check the Twitter congratulatory message before posting. “Sweet twat, Ann. You...

Report: There Goes the Neighborhood as U.S. to Receive Syrian Refugees

Report: There Goes the Neighborhood as U.S. to Receive Syrian Refugees

The United States is preparing to accept at least 10,000 Syrian refugees in the next fiscal year, which begins October 1. Secretary of State, John Kerry, told lawmakers in a closed-door briefing this week that the numbers could be as high as 100,000, “But don’t tell anybody.” U.S. Fish and Wildlife Services, U.S. Refugee Admissions Program and Department of Family Services have compiled a list of towns and locations to spread immigrant intake evenly across the country, but Homeland Security...

Saudi Survey Questions Women’s Rights to Drive

Saudi Survey Questions Women’s Rights to Drive

Focus groups were conducted in Saudi Arabia to explore the social, political and economic ramifications of allowing women to drive in the kingdom. The conservative monarchy, not known for its support of women’s rights, did not allow women to be part of the research sessions and is reluctant to make known any of its findings. The Mideast Beast however, was able to obtain a copy of the misogynistic report. Positive impact: Empowers women and sends a strong message to the...

Doctors: Iranian Leader Will Not Exist in the Next 25 Years

Doctors: Iranian Leader Will Not Exist in the Next 25 Years

In response to the Iranian leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei’s most recent Twitter tirade – basically an ongoing dialog with himself that Israel won’t survive the next twenty-five years, doctors at Israel’s Mt. Masada Hospital have determined the Supreme Leader, who is 76 years old, won’t live to be 101. “Those next twenty-five years he speaks of aren‘t going to be kind to him,” a specialist on aging told TMB. “They are going to be a bitch. For the sake of argument,...

Iran Considers Using Refugee Human Walls at Nuke Sites

Iran Considers Using Refugee Human Walls at Nuke Sites

Impressed with Donald Trump’s views on building walls and separating people, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khomeini is considering uniting people as walls. The plan calls for building a barricade around the Parchin nuke site and other nuclear facilities, consisting solely of Syrian refugees to deter Israeli air strikes and possible US military action. Moderate front man, Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, likes the new human shield concept. “Add asylum seekers from North Africa and we have a sweet labor pool to...

Burn Notice: Prison Guards Release Israeli-American Spy Early

Burn Notice: Prison Guards Release Israeli-American Spy Early

Former US naval intelligence analyst, Jonathan Pollard, convicted of supplying information to Israel has been released from prison earlier than his official November 20 release date by over-zealous guards. According to prison officials, the guards cut him loose despite the possible severity of their actions. “He was driving us frickin’ nuts. Kept playing Engelbert Humperdinck’s ‘Release Me’ nonstop for the last two weeks. We couldn’t take it anymore.” The Mideast Beast spoke at length with former Pollard cellmate, convicted murderer...

Saudi Women Allowed to Vote But Husbands Hide Car Keys

Saudi Women Allowed to Vote But Husbands Hide Car Keys

What seemed a monumental step for advancing women’s rights in Saudi Arabia – the right to register and vote for the first time in the conservative kingdom’s history – is more like a baby step with a full diaper. Starting August 22, women were able to register for upcoming elections, but The Mideast Beast reports indicate that only 16 have done so, due to logistical difficulties, lack of awareness, and of course husbands hiding the car keys. The late King...

Knife-Wielding Terror Child Beheads Defenseless Teddy Bear

Knife-Wielding Terror Child Beheads Defenseless Teddy Bear

PETA outrage grows over junior Jihad’s beheading of loveable plush teddy. “This savage, brutal assault is nothing new for these throwbacks. Too bad the little prick didn’t transgender himself with that blade,” noted an angry PETA Panda bear . The newly released chilling video shows an Islamic State punk-ass toddler, identified as the son of a jihadi; maxed-out in militant garb, as he runs into a room with a six-inch knife; the little shit then goes to work on a white...

Demolished Ancient Temple in Syria to be Rebuilt with Lego Bricks

Demolished Ancient Temple in Syria to be Rebuilt with Lego Bricks

After Islamic State demolition teams planted explosives which took down the 2,000-year-old shrine of Baal Shamin in the Syrian city of Palmyra, UNESCO has offered to rebuild the first century AD relic using popular LEGO® Bricks. Lego, the world’s largest toy manufacturer, based in Billund, Denmark, will recreate the pagan house of worship using its unique system of patented snap-together plastic bricks. According to Lego Chief Designer, Niels København, “We have created many replicas of famous architectural structures, including The...

Report: United States to Possibly Supply Iran With Nukes

Report: United States to Possibly Supply Iran With Nukes

U.S. Secretary of State, John Kerry, has floated the possibility of providing Iran with nuclear weapons from its stockpile of ‘like-new’ surplus inventory. According to Kerry, “This action would eliminate the need for Tehran to develop weapons of mass destruction; cut valuable manufacturing time; do away with all the rather cumbersome problems of inspection and verification, which they won’t agree to anyway.” RELATED: Iran Considering Military Strike Against Iran following Suspicious Soil Sample One insider noted that the idea is to...