Scott N. Towel

 

Abbas Agrees to Resume Negotiations “Just as Soon as the Last Jew Gets the Hell Out of Palestine”

Abbas Agrees to Resume Negotiations “Just as Soon as the Last Jew Gets the Hell Out of Palestine”

European leaders today hailed Palestinian President in Perpetuity Mahmoud Abbas’s offer to resume negotiations with Israel “Just as soon as last Jew gets the hell out Palestine: Jaffa, Ashkelon, the lot of it.” Swedish Foreign Minister, Margot Wallström, praised Abbas for “taking such a bold step towards peace. Now we can only hope that those genocidal war mongering Israelis will...

Saudi King Furious Amazon Won’t Ship Nuclear Weapons 2-day Mail
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Saudi King Furious Amazon Won’t Ship Nuclear Weapons 2-day Mail

After announcing his intention to match any Iranian nuclear weapon, an angry Saudi King Salman ibn Abdulaziz discovered Amazon.com doesn’t offer two day shipping on nuclear weapons.  “You know I’m an Amazon Prime Member,” the King told Amazon customer service rep, Tabitha Chablis.  Amazon, however, insists that their supplier requires 7-10 days on all WMD orders. After hanging up, a dejected...

Drone’s War Memoir Earns Critical Acclaim
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Drone’s War Memoir Earns Critical Acclaim

Just as critics declared the market for war memoirs is saturated, a book from a wholly different perspective may now take the country by storm. Feeling Controlled by MQ-9 C37r, a General Atomics Reaper (formerly known as the Predator B), is receiving the sort of pre-release buzz most books can only dream about. Feeling Controlled is more than just a...

Hamas Changes Relationship Status with Amnesty International to “It’s Complicated”
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Hamas Changes Relationship Status with Amnesty International to “It’s Complicated”

Reacting to Amnesty International’s release of a report this past March indicating that the Gaza terror organization actually killed more Palestinians civilians than Israeli civilians (clearly illustrated in the image above) during the 2014 conflict, a shocked and disappointed Hamas has change its relationship status with the human rights monitor to “it’s complicated.” A bewildered and visibly distraught Hamas commented “For...

Turkish President Regrets Not Hiring Arab Vote Counters

Turkish President Regrets Not Hiring Arab Vote Counters

In the wake of his Justice and Development Party‘s humiliating electoral defeat, Turkish President Recep Erdogan lashed out at many of the usual suspects: the New York Times for “being Jews,” the West, and the Kurds for voting. Yet in a surprisingly honest interview with The Israeli Daily, Erdogan explained that he too accepts some of the blame. “Like the...

Jimmy Carter Joins ISIS
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Jimmy Carter Joins ISIS

The Islamic State scored a coup today when the former president, formerly known as Jimmy Carter, held a press conference in Syria and pledged allegiance to ISIS.  “Ever since people made the mistake of voting me out of office, I just haven’t been all that sold on America,” explained Carter, who now insists on being addressed by his “Islamic name,” Ali...

UN Condemns Israel Over Game of Thrones Being “Too Rapey”
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UN Condemns Israel Over Game of Thrones Being “Too Rapey”

In another lop sided vote – 170 for, 5 against, and 19 abstentions – the UN General Assembly condemned Israel, this time over the increase in gratuitous sexual violence on Game of Thrones. The resolution, which read in part: Where as, the world’s viewers have always enjoyed the seemingly teen-imagined soft core so prevalent in Game of Thrones, with its...

Israel Agrees to Disband But Only After World Shows That its Predisposition Towards Jew-Killing is Dealt With First
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Israel Agrees to Disband But Only After World Shows That its Predisposition Towards Jew-Killing is Dealt With First

In a surprise announcement today, causing a global ‘thumbs up’, the Israeli government announced that it would acquiesce to the requests of countless over the course of several decades to “just go away.” Thus, the Jewish State will most likely succumb to international pressure and disband. However, this decision hinges on just a single condition: that the world’s apparent fascination...

Potential Iran Deal Sends Terror Stocks Soaring
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Potential Iran Deal Sends Terror Stocks Soaring

Leaks from Washington, Tehran, and Switzerland of an imminent nuclear deal roared through Wall Street today sending terror stocks soaring in afterhours trading. Reports indicate than any deal will include the release of over $100 billion in frozen Iranian funds. Noted hedge fund manager, Gree D. Bassard, seemed to speak for the mood. “$100 billion’s a lot of scratch. And...

Iranians Busy Thinking Up New Concessions to Demand From Obama and Kerry
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Iranians Busy Thinking Up New Concessions to Demand From Obama and Kerry

Iran appears to hold the weaker hand in negotiations, the Iranian economy shrinking and currency depreciating, yet sources tell The Israeli Daily that Ayatollah Khamenei and his advisors are trying to identify new concessions to extract from President Obama and Secretary Kerry. A source close to Khamenei described the situation; “We’re as surprised as anybody. We knew our demands were excessive:...

Radical Offshoot of Human Rights Watch Sends Strike Team to Nepal to Assassinate Victims Saved by Israel
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Radical Offshoot of Human Rights Watch Sends Strike Team to Nepal to Assassinate Victims Saved by Israel

After Human Rights Watch’s head Kenneth Roth tweeted condemnation of Israel for constructing a 60 bed field hospital in Nepal, sources tell The Israeli Daily (TID) that a radical offshoot of the organization called ‘No Jewish Human Rights Watch’ has dispatched a strike team to hunt down those Nepalese who accepted Israel’s offer of life saving assistance. “Defending human rights...

Iran Agrees to Full and Open Inspections Everywhere, Except Places They Might Keep a Nuclear Bomb
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Iran Agrees to Full and Open Inspections Everywhere, Except Places They Might Keep a Nuclear Bomb

A White House spokesman has rejected claims by opponents of a framework agreement that the Iranian defense Minister’s had stated that all military facilities would be closed to international inspection. Iranian Defense Minister, Brigadier General Hossein Dehgan was reported as saying that “…visiting military centers are among the red lines and no visit to these centers will be allowed.” White...

Christian, Jewish Terrorist Groups Announce they too Planned to Attack Charlie Hebdo
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Christian, Jewish Terrorist Groups Announce they too Planned to Attack Charlie Hebdo

Both Christian and Jewish terrorist groups today released statements that they too had long been planning attacks against Charlie Hebdo. “For too long, these godless communists had poked fun at our Lord Christ,” began the release from Perpetually Righteous Irate Christian Kooks, leader D. Amst Upid. “P.R.I.C.K. planned to stage our action the Tuesday before the action by the Satan...

As Part of Iran Deal, Obama to Convert to Shi’a Islam
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As Part of Iran Deal, Obama to Convert to Shi’a Islam

Confirming oft-repeated rumors, White House spokesperson Ima Arz today revealed that President Barak Obama is in fact a member of the Muslim faith. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Asked why this revelation came at this time, Arz explained that after much soul searching the President had decided to abandon Sunni Islam, in favor of the minority Shi’a faction....

President of Turkey Shocked to Learn Most Americans Already Know About Genocide Against Native Americans

President of Turkey Shocked to Learn Most Americans Already Know About Genocide Against Native Americans

At a press conference called to condemn Pope Francis for saying that Turkey did ‘you know what to you know who,’ Turkish President Recep Erdogan was surprised to learn that most Americans know of their nation’s genocide against millions of Native American. A reporter questioned Erdogan about the Turks continual refusal to accept their intentional killing of 1.5 million Armenians...

Obama in Crash Three-Day Conversion Program to Become Jewish

Obama in Crash Three-Day Conversion Program to Become Jewish

The Deputy White House Spokesman today announced that President Obama has cleared his schedule for a crash three-day conversion course to join the Jewish People. After a Monday Mikvah dip (an oddly pleasant Jewish bath ritual), Obama will immediately depart for a brief visit to Israel. Asked why Obama was making this unprecedented move, the spokesman appeared unsure. “Well, the...