Scott N. Towel

 

ISIS’ Latest Terror Threat: “We Will Force Americans to Learn Geography!”

ISIS’ Latest Terror Threat: “We Will Force Americans to Learn Geography!”

ISIS spokesman Senna ibn Booboo has announced new plans to force Americans to learn geography. “The terror of watching American citizens beheaded in Syria won’t get that much attention. But forcing Americans to find Syria on a map? Now that’s suffering!” Ibn Booboo pointed to Al Qaeda’s past successes; “The secret is to murder Americans in places about which average Americans don’t even know on which continent to start looking. Blow up the USS Cole and watch as the hapless...

Qassam Rocket & Iron Dome Interceptor Begin Star-Crossed Love Affair

Qassam Rocket & Iron Dome Interceptor Begin Star-Crossed Love Affair

The political implications are as grave as the story is improbable.  A Hamas Qassam-4 Rocket and an Israeli Iron Dome Interceptor have sent letters to their respective commanders declaring that they can no longer hide their love. “When I first laid eyes on her, it was the kind of thing that you feel deep in your fuselage,” said the Interceptor who prefers to go unnamed. “There was just something about her arc of flight that told me not to blow...

ISIS Splinters Over Bikini Waxing

ISIS Splinters Over Bikini Waxing

Previously united in their desire to forge a new Caliphate establishing their vision of ‘pure Islam’, ISIS has descended into acrimony over the contentious issue of ‘hair management’ in women’s nether regions. “The war with the infidel must be fought on every front,” declared Abu Bakr al Baghdadi, “even the awrah (Arabic for ‘hooha’) of the righteous. Do not succumb to these abominable Zionist practices.” ISIS soldiers, long known for their porn consumption, responded with disbelief. “Even a trim is...

War Reporters Disappointed to Learn That Yemen Just Always Looked Like That

War Reporters Disappointed to Learn That Yemen Just Always Looked Like That

Arriving in Sanna, Yemen, 24-hour cable reporters thought they’d struck gold. As CNN’s Bud Fugg explained, “The whole place is totally destroyed. Ruins! What visuals!” Yet as Fugg and his colleagues began collecting footage and talking to locals, they were disappointed to learn that this was pretty much how the city always looked. “Turns out,” reported a mournful Fugg, “that the place has always been a massive shit hole.” Other reporters told of similar experiences. “My guy is filming this amazing...

Middle East Archeologists Reveal Ancient People Were Just as Likely to be Assholes as Moderns

Middle East Archeologists Reveal Ancient People Were Just as Likely to be Assholes as Moderns

Through a carefully study of ancient writings, a team of archaeologists today revealed that ancient peoples were just as likely to be assholes as your asshole neighbor, your asshole boss, or just about any asshole you meet in daily life. “We were quite surprised by our findings,” explained team leader, Stockholm University professor Dr. Tot L. Prik.  “Based on our research, we must conclude that assholes have always walked among us.” He went on to describe the clay tablets his team examined, sone of which...

ISIS Recruit Surprised to Learn that “Being a Sociopath” Isn’t Actually in Quran

ISIS Recruit Surprised to Learn that “Being a Sociopath” Isn’t Actually in Quran

RAQQA, SYRIA — After sneaking over the Turkish/Syrian Border, Stinka ibn Tooshy – formerly Oliver Weinberg of Cherry Hill New Jersey, joined the rapidly growing world of Jihad. He described his first exciting months with ISIS thusly: “It was just like I’d seen on the Internet: beheading apostates, taking their wives and daughters as sex slaves, terrorizing civilians. Twenty-four hours a day. I know it sounds like a party, but it was also a lot of work.” Over time, however,...

Region Celebrates Local Community’s Passover Dinner Solution to Arab-Israeli Conflict

Region Celebrates Local Community’s Passover Dinner Solution to Arab-Israeli Conflict

Cheers and Nobel Peace Prize nominations reigned as Miami congregation Beit Chazarai’s community Seder attendees unveiled their proposal to end the Middle East conflict. Leaders from Kissinger to King Abdullah of Jordan praised the participants out of the box approach. “I am awe struck at their genius,” perennial peace negotiator Shimon Peres told TMB. “Stationing troops in the Jordan Valley to ensure Israel’s security was a perennial ball buster. I’m told it was Dr. Morty Rabinowitz, who proposed a multi-national...

If Elected, Hillary Clinton Pledges to Restore Saddam to Power

If Elected, Hillary Clinton Pledges to Restore Saddam to Power

Showing how seriously she regrets her vote in favor of the Iraq War, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton today announced her intention, if elected, to restore Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein to power. Fox News mocked the plan – after a quick Wikipedia check – pointing out that Hussein was executed back in 2006. Sources tell The Mideast Beast, however, that Clinton is prepared to overcome this minor roadblock. “Way back when the Clinton Foundation ‘acquired’ Saddam’s mustache after his...

ISIS Set to Announce Exciting Line of Spring Fashion This Week in New York

ISIS Set to Announce Exciting Line of Spring Fashion This Week in New York

Exploding the fashion world, the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS) announced plans to release their first ever Spring Collection at this week’s New York’s Fashion Week. “A creative force such as ISIS just cannot be contained,” said ISIS spokesperson Stuart Goldstein. “From new currency, to unprecedented brutality, to making sex-slavery cool again, ISIS is setting the world alight, literally. And now with pre-Columbian Muslim explorers discovering America, we are bang on trend!” Noted PR expert and image maker Johnny...

In Defense of Nuclear Deal, Obama Cites Iran’s “Pinky Swear”

In Defense of Nuclear Deal, Obama Cites Iran’s “Pinky Swear”

Facing broad criticism for differences between US and Iranian interpretations of the recent framework agreement, President Obama cited Iran’s willingness to pinky swear as proof of their good intentions.  “As every child knows,” Obama opined during a press conference, “the pinky swear represents an unbreakable commitment.” Republicans were quick to doubt these assurances.  Senator Bob Corker questioned whether there was adequate inspection to ensure Iran neither crossed their fingers nor called “backsies” before signing the framework.  The Secretary of State...

To Deter Iran and Hezbollah, Government Official Suggests Israel Should Nuke Des Moines

To Deter Iran and Hezbollah, Government Official Suggests Israel Should Nuke Des Moines

Israel’s always-agitated and slightly chubby Minister of Parliament, Avigdor Lieberman, today suggested that Israel might best deter Hezbollah and Iran by nuking Des Moines, Iowa.  “Look, the best way for a threatened nation to deter its enemies is to have them believe that you’re crazy enough, and I’m talking batshit crazy here, to do anything, and I mean anything.” At this point sweat poured from his brow and his mouth frothed. “So what possibly could show that better than nuking...

Islamic State’s TV Line-up a Surprise Hit in the United States

Islamic State’s TV Line-up a Surprise Hit in the United States

When Time Warner Cable agreed to add The Islamic State’s (ISIL) TV station to its channel offerings, most shrugged. Now to everyone’s surprise, ISIL-TV’s grabbing all the buzz. “I love these shows,” wrote popular blogger Mr. Bud Uglee to his six loyal readers. “What on TV is funnier than Bringin’ Up Burkah? And dramas like Beheading Bad and Law & Kill Some Shiites. Edgy writing, lots of action, youthful energy – ISIL TV is like HBO meets The CW meets an...

Hamas Tunnellers Admit They’re Only Digging to Meet Israeli Girls

Hamas Tunnellers Admit They’re Only Digging to Meet Israeli Girls

A number of the men digging Hamas’ terror tunnels recently confirmed The Mideast Beast’s suspicion that most entered the highly dangerous field mainly in the hope of meeting Israeli girls. “All the time the imams tell us about how Israel is just a den of iniquity and sin,” one digger who preferred we not use his name, told TMB. “Who wouldn’t want some of that action?” A pasty-faced 14-year old who spends 18-hours a day digging admitted to a similar motivation....

GOP Presidential Hopefuls Confident Republicans are Sufficiently Ignorant to Think Another Middle East War is a Good Idea

GOP Presidential Hopefuls Confident Republicans are Sufficiently Ignorant to Think Another Middle East War is a Good Idea

Across many states, Republican presidential hopefuls laid out their national security plan with a surprising notion suggesting that it would be a good idea for US forces to return to the Middle East in order to fight ISIS. While at first counter-intuitive, political analyst, Brea KN Rekerd, suggested it was a wise strategy. “GOP presidential hopefuls don’t need to win a majority of all voters, just a Republican primary voters. And remember, we’re talking about a crowd that gets their news from FOX...

Saudi Arabia Experiments with Leasing to Other Fanatics

Saudi Arabia Experiments with Leasing to Other Fanatics

Rabbi Shlomo Yetz of Britain’s orthodox Jewish community was surprised to read the following advertisement in his morning paper (here translated from the Yiddish): “Feeling Oppressed by the Secular World? Dealing with the Godless Getting You Down? Furious About Women Being Allowed to Drive? Come To a Nation You Can Call Home!” Imagine the Rabbi’s surprise when he called the number and found he had dialed the Saudi Arabian Embassy? And Rabbi Yetz wasn’t the only one. Catholic Priest, Father Michael Tuchewe,...

Abbas Agrees to Resume Negotiations “Just as Soon as the Last Jew Gets the Hell Out of Palestine”

Abbas Agrees to Resume Negotiations “Just as Soon as the Last Jew Gets the Hell Out of Palestine”

European leaders today hailed Palestinian President in Perpetuity Mahmoud Abbas’s offer to resume negotiations with Israel “Just as soon as last Jew gets the hell out Palestine: Jaffa, Ashkelon, the lot of it.” Swedish Foreign Minister, Margot Wallström, praised Abbas for “taking such a bold step towards peace. Now we can only hope that those genocidal war mongering Israelis will embrace this opportunity.” In an editorial, The NY Times opined, “With Abbas’ offer to resume negotiations, Israel can no longer...

Saudi King Furious Amazon Won’t Ship Nuclear Weapons 2-day Mail

Saudi King Furious Amazon Won’t Ship Nuclear Weapons 2-day Mail

After announcing his intention to match any Iranian nuclear weapon, an angry Saudi King Salman ibn Abdulaziz discovered Amazon.com doesn’t offer two day shipping on nuclear weapons.  “You know I’m an Amazon Prime Member,” the King told Amazon customer service rep, Tabitha Chablis.  Amazon, however, insists that their supplier requires 7-10 days on all WMD orders. After hanging up, a dejected King Salman told The Mideast Beast, “What exactly am I paying for?  The free movies are nice, but I joined...

Drone’s War Memoir Earns Critical Acclaim

Drone’s War Memoir Earns Critical Acclaim

Just as critics declared the market for war memoirs is saturated, a book from a wholly different perspective may now take the country by storm. Feeling Controlled by MQ-9 C37r, a General Atomics Reaper (formerly known as the Predator B), is receiving the sort of pre-release buzz most books can only dream about. Feeling Controlled is more than just a macho war story,” NY Times book critic, Michiko Kakutani, wrote in her blog. “No, this is a memoir with real...

Hamas Changes Relationship Status with Amnesty International to “It’s Complicated”

Hamas Changes Relationship Status with Amnesty International to “It’s Complicated”

Reacting to Amnesty International’s release of a report this past March indicating that the Gaza terror organization actually killed more Palestinians civilians than Israeli civilians (clearly illustrated in the image above) during the 2014 conflict, a shocked and disappointed Hamas has change its relationship status with the human rights monitor to “it’s complicated.” A bewildered and visibly distraught Hamas commented “For years we’ve felt that we could really count on Amnesty. Whether we were blowing up busses or children’s birthday parties,...

Palestinian Authority Unveils “RiotFind” App

Palestinian Authority Unveils “RiotFind” App

Seeking to prove once and for all that there’s room in the region for more than one high-tech powerhouse, the Palestinian Authority today unveiled the “RiotFind” app now available in all app stores. President Abbas explained, “no more will hooligans have to wander aimlessly schlepping heavy rocks, hoping to find like-minded fellows, inclined to smack a Zionist upside his head. Now they can find the violence in real-time!” Analyst Michael Bytchip praised the concept. “Ride sharing began in San Francisco....