Saul Denafil

 

Jared Kushner Successfully Resolves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Jared Kushner Successfully Resolves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

A previously-thought-to-be intractable dispute that has foiled well-meaning leaders for decades, and whose roots go back millennia, has, finally and irrevocably, been solved thanks to middle-age wunderkind and, heretofore untrained, diplomat, US presidential son-in-law and appointed Middle East liaison, Mr. Jared Kushner. For the last two days, Mr. Kushner has applied himself towards fixing this conflict and, according to experts, has ended this previously unsolvable conundrum once and for all. “Mr. Kushner just has a way with people,” explained Prime...

Netanyahu: Immediately Repeal IDF; Replace with “Something Great” Later

Netanyahu: Immediately Repeal IDF; Replace with “Something Great” Later

Citing “critical mistakes made in past conflicts,” Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced today his plans to immediately repeal the Israeli Defense Force (IDF) and replace it with “Something Great, probably in a couple of years.” Citing the stance taken by President Trump on healthcare reform he commented, “I looked at the performance of the IDF in the 2014 Gaza War,” and it was apparent to me that the whole thing was awful! I mean, we technically beat the shit...

ISIS Ends Jihad Against US: Claims “AHCA More Effective Than Us at Killing Americans”

ISIS Ends Jihad Against US: Claims “AHCA More Effective Than Us at Killing Americans”

ISIS leadership called today for an immediate and indefinite suspension of hostilities against the US and American targets, commenting “there’s no need for us to kill Americans if they can do it better themselves.” “Our goal is to kill and wound as many of the Great Satan’s people as we can,” stated al-Chico. “As we were planning our next attack, we learned that the US House passed the AHCA. Once we read the bill, we had a revelation. Why are...

Trump Denied Permission to Land atop Dome of the Rock; Cancels Israel Visit

Trump Denied Permission to Land atop Dome of the Rock; Cancels Israel Visit

President Trump announced today that he will be canceling his upcoming visit to Israel after being denied permission to land his helicopter on top of the Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem. Combining this incident with having been previously being denied what would have been unprecedented permission to land on the top of the Masada fortress, Mr. Trump reportedly threw up his tiny hands in exasperation and called the whole trip off.” “No president of the US has ever been treated...

Sisi to Trump: “Improve as Dictator or You’re out of Our Club”

Sisi to Trump: “Improve as Dictator or You’re out of Our Club”

After firing his FBI director, potentially leaking classified information to the Russians, and repeatedly being pilloried for his incompetence by the US and global press, the Egyptian President, and former military coup leader, Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, expressed concern today at what he calls the “abject failure of US President Trump’s attempts at being an effective dictator.” In an announcement to the Egyptian state media, Mr. Sisi called on Mr. Trump to “up his game,” lest he is excluded from future...