Born Joel Sachsberg, his father was a world famous shawarma connoisseur and his mother a psychotherapist who invented guilt induction behavior therapy. He changed his name after his elementary school crush, Christina McNeil, told him his people were responsible for the death of God’s son. A young Joel reasoned that he was not dead, but had merely been reincarnated as a cute bunny rabbit who lays chocolate, but to no avail. In his early 20’s he joined Hamas’s military brigade to spite a female Israeli soldier who refused to give him a handjob in the back of the birthright bus. He quickly quit after the Hamas commanding officer refused to stop playing his Matisyahu CD.
When he is not kidnapping Christian children to use their blood in matzah (a 4:1 flour to blood ratio is ideal), Rusty enjoys scrapbooking and posting passive aggressive Facebook statuses.
The Lebanese national team has been reprimanded by the International Olympic Committee for refusing to ride a bus with the Israeli delegation. Israeli sailing coach, Udi Gal, was infuriated by the incident, calling out the IOC on Facebook by using all the sad emoji’s he could think of and making full use of the new ‘dislike’ feature. Head of the...
Jabhat Al-Nusra recently announced it will be breaking apart from Al Qaeda in an attempt to appeal to a wider audience in Syria. “We wanted to become more sexy and modern. Al Qaeda just wasn’t giving off that vibe.” Said Mostafa Mahamed, one of the group’s leaders. The organization has also changed its name to Jabhat Fateh Al-Sham (the Front...
Doubling down on his strategy to attack Khizr and Ghazala Khan, the Gold Star parents of deceased Captain Humayan Khan, Trump continued his ‘say the stupidest thing possible and still get elected’ campaign by claiming that had he been president 12 years ago Khizr Khan’s son would still be alive. He also stated that if elected president, he is the...
ISIS member, Mohammed Abdulrahman had been playing Pokémon GO when he stumbled upon a Mr. Mime in the ISIS occupied territory of Mosul. “I was hoping to catch a Pikachu. I was pretty disappointed to find it was this annoying Pokémon.” After watching it flail his hands and yell ‘Mr. Mime’ over and over, Mohammed reported the psychic Pokémon to...
Following his long drawn out battle with Hilary Clinton, Bernie Sanders gave an impassioned announcement that his presidential aspirations are not over. “To all you Bernie Bros, let me just say…this is not the end of our journey because I, Bernie Sanders, announce my candidacy for the Boca Raton Century Village Presidential Race.” He vowed to remain faithful to his...
The race for the US presidency has dwindled down to its final two candidates (Bernie, let’s not make this any harder than it has to be) and Barack Obama has thrown his support behind Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton. “In the 2008 democratic primaries I schooled the botox right out of Hillary, then asked her to be my Secretary of State. I recall...
Many pro-Israel publications recently reported that New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has recently taken steps to ban the Boycott Divestment and Sanctions (BDS) movement against Israel for singling out the Jewish State; however, after further investigation by The Mideast Beast it was discovered the commonly used BDS acronym was misleading. “No, this ruling has nothing to do with Israel boycotts,...
Inspired by his new hero Dan Turner, father of convicted Stanford rapist Brock Turner, a father of a captured ISIS fighter recently published a letter in attempt to appeal to an Iraqi judge who sentenced his son Ahmed to life imprisonment. Exclusive to The Mideast Beast, here is the letter in full: “I am writing this letter to tell you...
Three Minnesota residents, Guled Ali Omar, Abdirahman Yasin Daud, and Mohamed Abdihamid Farah were all convicted of conspiracy to murder overseas, provide material support to a terrorist organization and a slew of other charges in connection with their attempts to join ISIS. While many in the Minneapolis Somali community have wondered why they would want to join the violent terrorist...
Maasiyahu Prison, located in central Israel, will soon open a new block dedicated to housing jailed former politicians. The influx of convicted public officials over the past few years has made it difficult for the facility to find accommodations for the new regal residents. “We don’t have enough jail cells to go around.” Explained jail warden Ofer Shmueli. “Also, I can’t put...
Ebru Umar, a Dutch columnist and outspoken critic of Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan, was arrested in the city of Kusadasi while on holiday. It is widely assumed (or fucking right on the mark) actions were taken against her by authorities because of a number of insulting tweets towards the Turkish leader. “Ms. Umar needs to understand that she can’t just...
Amnesty international recently reported that there was a 50% increase in executions during 2015, with over 1,600 officially counted. China had the highest number, with Iran, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia and the US rounding out that top 5. Although not disappointed by a second place showing, Iran promises to come back in 2016 aiming for gold. “Listen, I won’t sit here...
A transcript released by the New York Daily News revealed a more in depth view of Democratic Party candidate Bernie Sanders’ position on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. He was critical of the Israeli policy on settlement construction and expanded on his belief that Israel should halt construction and ultimately withdraw from the West Bank. When Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was...
The UNHRC maintained its perfect record of implementing resolutions against Israel by voting to form a blacklist of companies operating in Israeli settlements at its most recent session. “We can finally breathe a sigh of relief, we thought this historic moment would never come” said Saudi Arabian head of UNHRC Faisal Bin Hassan Trad. “The horrible human rights violations committed...
Three-time NBA slam dunk champ Nate Robinson received a raucous ovation during introductions at the sold out Drive-in Arena for his first game with Hapoel Tel Aviv. He immediately made his presence known, scoring 25 points while showing off an array of skills throughout the game. Head coach Sharon Avrahami praised the new comer, complimenting his big play despite his...
The Arab league recently voted to formally brand the Shia militant group Hezbollah a terrorist organization. The move was seen as a show of strength by Saudi Arabia that would further deepen tensions between the Kingdom and its major regional rival Iran, who backs the Shiite Lebanese organization. Hezbollah Secretary-General Hassan Nasrallah openly condemned the move calling it ‘provocative’ but...
The Niqab, a full face veil covering, has long been a point of contention due to its perceived oppressive nature and suspicion the wearer may actually be a skilled ninja. Muslim scholars have debated whether Islamic text deems it to be obligatory, while various non-Muslim countries have worked towards making it outright illegal with some even succeeding. Attempts to ban...
The Iranian nuclear deal is once again at the forefront of the news after the Iranian Fars News Agency reported that the Revolutionary Guard carried out testing of long-range ballistic missiles. Israeli officials are up in arms claiming there is no doubt of the intended use of the weapons, especially considering the phrase “Israel must be wiped out” was emblazoned...
Amid rising tensions over lone-wolf stabbings, lack of progress in peace talks and increasing frustration over Israel’s blockade of Gaza, and with the region looking well on its way to renewing its 68th annual “Palestinians and Israelis Fucking Can’t Stand One Another” popular concert series, the UN and Hamas have teamed up to equip Gaza with a dual purpose elementary...
