Rusty Sachs

Born Joel Sachsberg, his father was a world famous shawarma connoisseur and his mother a psychotherapist who invented guilt induction behavior therapy. He changed his name after his elementary school crush, Christina McNeil, told him his people were responsible for the death of God’s son. A young Joel reasoned that he was not dead, but had merely been reincarnated as a cute bunny rabbit who lays chocolate, but to no avail. In his early 20’s he joined Hamas’s military brigade to spite a female Israeli soldier who refused to give him a handjob in the back of the birthright bus. He quickly quit after the Hamas commanding officer refused to stop playing his Matisyahu CD.

When he is not kidnapping Christian children to use their blood in matzah (a 4:1 flour to blood ratio is ideal), Rusty enjoys scrapbooking and posting passive aggressive Facebook statuses.

 

God lists “Mideast Peace” as New Year’s Resolution for 2017th Time

God lists “Mideast Peace” as New Year’s Resolution for 2017th Time

After another year of war between Middle East countries and factions, God has publicly tweeted that this year is going to be different. “2016 didn’t go as planned, but new year new me! In 2017 I vow that there will b no more mideast wars #resolutions #motivated” God immediately got to work, reading several informative BuzzFeed articles on how to keep resolutions. He then put together an elaborate Excel spreadsheet where he listed all current ongoing conflicts. “At first I was...

Total Middle East Peace Achieved after Settlement Resolution Passed in UN

Total Middle East Peace Achieved after Settlement Resolution Passed in UN

Following the surprising passage of UNSC resolution 2334, stating that settlements in East Jerusalem and the West Bank are illegal and are a major obstacle to peace, all conflicts have ended and peace has immediately spread to all corners of the previously volatile region. “I had begun to think that we might be disproportionately targeting Israel in the UN, but clearly these results show it was the right approach,” said UN secretary general Ban Ki-moon. “Prime Minister Netanyahu even called...

Saudi Arabia Offers to Accept Barack Hussein Obama’s Family Once Trump Deports All Muslims

Saudi Arabia Offers to Accept Barack Hussein Obama’s Family Once Trump Deports All Muslims

Trump’s election has elicited concerns from many citizens, due to his views and policies, including his intention to deport Muslims. Even before the election, Trump had made claims that Obama was not born in the U.S. and was a follower of Islam. However, following his first meeting with the President, it seems they have put past animosity behind them. “It’s no secret President Obama and I have had our issues in the past. But I must say, for a Muslim...

Obama Vows to Make One Last Crappy Deal With Iran Before Leaving Office

Obama Vows to Make One Last Crappy Deal With Iran Before Leaving Office

With just over two months left in power, the Obama administration is looking for the final chapter to cement its legacy. After brokering a nuclear agreement with Iran which could be summarized as, “Please don’t enrich uranium or we will be sad” and then proceeding to circumvent their own agreement by paying Iran 1.3 billion dollars in cash, it seemed logical that a third shity arrangement would be the fitting end. “Let me be clear, we want to leave office knowing...

Syrian President Invites Trump to ‘Civil War Evening Classes’

Syrian President Invites Trump to ‘Civil War Evening Classes’

Donald Trump’s election win has left pollsters shocked and the country divided. Democratic supporters have been left thinking ‘what-if’ and thousands of protestors have already taken to the streets to protest the victory. While many fear Trump’s victory will destroy the country and split it in half, Syrian leader Bashar Al-Assad is not impressed. “Yes, yes people are pissed and there is a lot of tension between Republicans and Democrats but he leaves a lot to be desired. I mean...

ISIS Expresses Disappointment over Twitter’s Decision to Shut Down Vine

ISIS Expresses Disappointment over Twitter’s Decision to Shut Down Vine

Twitter’s decision to shutter Vine, the six-second video sharing service, has been met with disappointment worldwide, and the reaction from ISIS leadership has been no different. “We are shocked by the sudden removal of the social media platform which brought us such unforgettable generational talents as King Bach, Britney Furlan, and Lele Pons,” stated senior ISIS leader Abu Muhammad al-Shimali. “As part of our new strategy, we were planning to release a series of videos which would include hilarious topics...

Survey: Two out of Three Palestinian Terrorists Prefer Subaru for Car Ramming Attacks Against Israelis

Survey: Two out of Three Palestinian Terrorists Prefer Subaru for Car Ramming Attacks Against Israelis

Car and Driver magazine has released survey results from the West Bank and Gaza suggesting that when it comes to carrying out vehicular acts of terror against Israelis, Palestinians prefer the Japanese automaker Subaru. “It makes total sense. The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety (IIHS) consistently gives Subaru top safety ratings. We don’t want attackers sustaining an injury while running over soldiers or civilians,” explained head of Hamas’s military wing, Mohammed Deif. “Not to mention the four wheel drive helps...

Trump Threatens to Release Video Proving Obama, Clinton Carried out Harambe Murder

Trump Threatens to Release Video Proving Obama, Clinton Carried out Harambe Murder

NEW HAMPSHIRE — At his most recent rally in New Hampshire, Donald Trump dropped a bombshell that has the general public scared, confused and shocked. “Folks, it seems that creating the most violent terrorist organization in the world was not enough for Obama and Crooked Hillary, and nor is the current “reinvestigation” by the FBI into Clinton’s emails. No, something far more nefarious is going on in the Democratic Party,” the Republican nominee told an enraptured crowd of supporters hanging on to...

Web Searches on Google For “How to Move to Iraq” Skyrocket after 3rd Presidential Debate

Web Searches on Google For “How to Move to Iraq” Skyrocket after 3rd Presidential Debate

Following the final presidential debate, Google trends revealed that searches on ‘how to move to Iraq’ had surged by nearly 300%. “It kinda makes sense” said registered voter Roberto Seitelman. “The US is about to get ugly, regardless of who wins this one. Iraq can’t really get any worse and I hear they are about to get Mosul back, so honestly they can only go up!” When asked about the statistic, Iraqi Prime Minister Haider al-Abadi provided a tepid response....

Roger Waters ‘Surprises’ Fans by Replacing Concert with Three-Hour Rant on Israel’s Policies

Roger Waters ‘Surprises’ Fans by Replacing Concert with Three-Hour Rant on Israel’s Policies

Roger Waters, former Pink Floyd vocalist and outspoken critic of Israel, took his activism to the next level at his most recent show in Indio, California. He approached the stage brandishing a fold out chair and a microphone and proceeded to explain that there are important things happening ‘out there’ and that this was the best opportunity to have a frank discussion on the ‘atrocities going in Palestine’. He then set out the chair and began ranting about the current...

UNESCO Claims no Connection Between Jewish Heritage, Circumcision

UNESCO Claims no Connection Between Jewish Heritage, Circumcision

The Israeli government has slammed the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization for passing a resolution stating that “circumcision is a purely Islamic act” and “cutting of the wee wee’s foreskin has no Jewish significance whatsoever”. “Do I need to line up every Jewish male in Israel and have them whip out their shmekels to show the UNESCO executive board? Because I’ll do it!” threatened education minister Naftali Bennett. The resolution is seen as racist and yet another example...

Syrian President: “My War Has Increased Westerners’ Education on Middle East Geography”

Syrian President: “My War Has Increased Westerners’ Education on Middle East Geography”

With an estimated 400,000 deaths and millions of displaced civilians, the Syrian War has been at the forefront of the world’s consciousness and news networks. While most have painted President Bashar al-Assad as a criminal who pushed his country to destruction, he contends his motivations to continue the war are righteous. “Do you think anyone in the US knew where Kabul was before they went to war with the Taliban and al-Qaeda?” posed Assad. “Then after the Iraq war everyone...

If Elected, Trump Vows to “Grab ISIS by the Pussy”

If Elected, Trump Vows to “Grab ISIS by the Pussy”

Donald Trump has announced that if elected president, his first course of action will be to “Grab ISIS by the Pussy”. “There is clearly tremendous hate in the main stream media, trying to turn such a great message into something negative. That is why, when elected President, I vow that I will grab ISIS by the pussy” said Trump. “I’m a nice guy. I’m here to make America great again and fix the issues caused by crooked Hilary Clinton and...

Anti-Israel UC Irvine Students Peacefully Scare the Shit Out of Jewish Students

Anti-Israel UC Irvine Students Peacefully Scare the Shit Out of Jewish Students

The UC Irvine chapter of Students for Justice in Palestine (SJP) disrupted a showing of the Israeli film “Beneath the Helmet” by yelling obscenities, physically blocking students, and attempting to force their way into the room where the event was being held. When asked for comment, SJP President Celine Qussiny expressed pride over how the organization peacefully physically intimidated the participating students. She also maintained there is nothing wrong with the situation escalated to the point where police had to...

‘Suicide Squad’ to be Remade with Cast of Middle East Dictators

‘Suicide Squad’ to be Remade with Cast of Middle East Dictators

HOLLYWOOD – Warner Bros. Pictures announced that Christopher Nolan will direct a reboot of the super villain movie, Suicide Squad. After the 2016 release disappointed critics and fans alike, the studio was giddy at the prospect of another attempt at the film with a different approach. “I took time to think how we could make the movie more modern and appeal to a new audience.” Explained Nolan. “I eventually realized that banding together all the different Middle East leaders would...

UK Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn: “We Love Jews and Their Crooked Noses”

UK Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn: “We Love Jews and Their Crooked Noses”

A number of anti-Semitic and anti-Israel incidents have landed the UK Labour party in hot water. The party recently severed ties with a security firm due to its ties to Israel; MP Naz Shah was suspended for old Facebook posts suggesting that Israel be relocated to the US, while former London Mayor Ken Livingstone was suspended for comments claiming Hitler supported Zionism. Additionally, some reports have as many as 50 councillors being secretly suspended for similar incidents leading some to suggest that these aren’t...

Turkish President: “Releasing Criminals to Jail Teachers, Lawyers and Civil Servants Will Make the Country Safer”

Turkish President: “Releasing Criminals to Jail Teachers, Lawyers and Civil Servants Will Make the Country Safer”

ANKARA — The Turkish President announced Thursday a program of mass pardons of current prisoners to clear space for all those really dangerous white collar workers and intellectuals. “We’re all about giving people second chances.” said the Turkish president. “Unless you are suspected of being involved in the failed coup. In that case, you go directly to jail and do not pass go. We’re not saying that rape, murder and robbery aren’t wrong, there’re just less wrong than thinking I shouldn’t...

Iran Enlists the Help of 50 Cent and Diddy to Spend $400 million

Iran Enlists the Help of 50 Cent and Diddy to Spend $400 million

The Iranian government, having recently received a $400 million payment from the American government which was definitely not a ransom payment, has enlisted rappers 50 Cent and Diddy for advice on the best way to spend the money. “Since the money was already in cash and in relatively small denominations, they suggested that we ‘hit up the strip club’ and ‘make it rain on some hoes’,” Explained Ayatollah Khomeini. “A quick urban dictionary search confirmed the definition of these expressions....

Lebanese and Israeli Game of Hide-and-Seek Misinterpreted at Olympics

Lebanese and Israeli Game of Hide-and-Seek Misinterpreted at Olympics

The Lebanese national team has been reprimanded by the International Olympic Committee for refusing to ride a bus with the Israeli delegation. Israeli sailing coach, Udi Gal, was infuriated by the incident, calling out the IOC on Facebook by using all the sad emoji’s he could think of and making full use of the new ‘dislike’ feature. Head of the Lebanese delegation, Al-Haj Nakoula, stated the whole incident was a simple misunderstanding. “We saw the Israeli team approaching and assumed...

Terror Group Al-Nusra Splits from Al Qaeda, Says “It’s Not You, It’s Me”

Terror Group Al-Nusra Splits from Al Qaeda, Says “It’s Not You, It’s Me”

Jabhat Al-Nusra recently announced it will be breaking apart from Al Qaeda in an attempt to appeal to a wider audience in Syria. “We wanted to become more sexy and modern. Al Qaeda just wasn’t giving off that vibe.” Said Mostafa Mahamed, one of the group’s leaders. The organization has also changed its name to Jabhat Fateh Al-Sham (the Front for the Conquest of the Levant) as part of its attempt to rebrand. “Just like when Zayn quit one direction,...