Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart
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ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

BLACK FRIDAY — ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi’s determination to score a cheap, big flat screen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida. Al-Qurashi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long line had already...

ISIS Announces Plot to Cross State Lines
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ISIS Announces Plot to Cross State Lines

Looking to re-enter relevance in the United States, the Islamic State terrorist group announced that it plans to commit the most horrific crime known to man: crossing state lines. ISIS leaders said they were unaware that traveling from one state to the other was such a heinous offense until they saw scores of journalists, activists, and celebrities calling for Kyle...

ACLU Calls for End to ‘Not Guilty’ Verdicts
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ACLU Calls for End to ‘Not Guilty’ Verdicts

Calling the outcome a “tool of white supremacy and oppression,” the American Civil Liberties Union has called for an end to verdicts of “not guilty” in criminal trials. The ACLU’s statement came following the acquittal of Kyle Rittenhouse, who shot three men during a riot in Kenosha, Wisconsin last summer. The ACLU said that the trial had exposed a fatal...

Amid Tensions, Biden Sends Harris to Middle East to Solve Sunni-Shia Conflict

Amid Tensions, Biden Sends Harris to Middle East to Solve Sunni-Shia Conflict

Looking to ease tensions with his VP, President Joe Biden announced that he will be sending Vice President Kamala Harris to the Middle East on a very important mission to bring together the Sunni and Shia branches of Islam. The assignment comes amid reports of frustration from the Harris team over the VP’s role in the administration. Biden hopes the...

Looking for More Youthful Candidate, Democrats to Nominate Jimmy Carter in 2024

Looking for More Youthful Candidate, Democrats to Nominate Jimmy Carter in 2024

In an acknowledgement that President Biden has appeared too old for the job as president and that a livelier candidate is needed to keep the White House, the Democratic National Committee announced that 97-year-old former president Jimmy Carter will be the party’s nominee in 2024. The decision came as Biden’s approval rating continues to fall, leading Democratic leaders to ponder...

Looking for More Youthful Candidate, Democrats to Run Jimmy Carter in 2024
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Looking for More Youthful Candidate, Democrats to Run Jimmy Carter in 2024

In an acknowledgement that President Biden has appeared too old for the job as president and that a livelier candidate is needed to keep the White House, the Democratic National Committee announced that 97-year-old former president Jimmy Carter will be the party’s nominee in 2024. The decision came as Biden’s approval rating continues to fall, leading Democratic leaders to ponder...

Baghdadi Still Lonely in Hell as BFF Erdogan Remains Alive

Baghdadi Still Lonely in Hell as BFF Erdogan Remains Alive

Former ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is reportedly distraught after learning that Turkish leader Recep Tayyip Erdogan, rumored to be either dead or on death’s doorstep, is in fact alive and unlikely to join the jihadist in Hell for years to come. Baghdadi admitted to feeling lonely and unable to make friends in the underworld and said he had been...

Oscar the Grouch Announces he is Taking Ivermectin
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Oscar the Grouch Announces he is Taking Ivermectin

Days after Big Bird, Elmo, and several other Muppets announced that they had received the Covid-19 vaccine, Oscar the Grouch has revealed that he is unvaccinated and has started taking the anti-parasite drug Ivermectin to battle the coronavirus. After Big Bird appeared on a CNN’s town hall and discussed receiving the vaccine, Oscar joined podcaster Joe Rogan to talk about...

US Invades Oman After Discovery of Massive Purell Fields
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US Invades Oman After Discovery of Massive Purell Fields

The United States has launched an invasion of the Sultanate of Oman after geologists discovered vast Purell reserves under the county’s Wahiba Sands. The reserves make Oman the world’s leading producer of the hand sanitizer, comprising nearly a quarter of the world’s total supply. But US officials insisted the timing was pure coincidence, with the invasion aimed at bringing democracy...

Virginia Schools to Begin Teaching ‘Critical Trump Theory’
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Virginia Schools to Begin Teaching ‘Critical Trump Theory’

With Republican businessman Glenn Youngkin’s victory in the state’s gubernatorial election Tuesday night, Virginia schools have been ordered to begin teaching students “Critical Trump Theory,” a controversial doctrine that views all events through the lens of how unfair they are to former President Donald Trump. Minutes after he was declared the winner, Youngkin ordered school boards across the state to...

MLB Commissioner Declares Rockies World Series Champions

MLB Commissioner Declares Rockies World Series Champions

Despite the Atlanta Braves’ World Series win Tuesday night, Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred has declared the Colorado Rockies the World Series Champions following criticism of Georgia’s voting laws. Manfred has already taken back the Commissioner’s Trophy and will fly to Denver to present it to the Rockies on Thursday. “While the Braves technically did make the playoffs, beat...

Manchin, Sinema Leave Congress to Join Moderate Syrian Rebels

Manchin, Sinema Leave Congress to Join Moderate Syrian Rebels

Lamenting that there is no place in the US Congress for moderates, Democratic Senators Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema have left the country to join the Syrian civil war on behalf of the moderate anti-Assad resistance. Sinema and Manchin, who had grown tired of constant pressure from the progressive wing of the Democratic Party, departed for Damascus early Sunday morning...

Sudan Celebrates Week Without a Coup

Sudan Celebrates Week Without a Coup

In what citizens of the African nation are calling a once-unthinkable democratic achievement, Sudan has now gone a full week without a military coup overthrowing the government. Residents of Sudan said they could not recall such a period of stability and expected coups to be a daily occurrence following the coup in 2019 to remove Omar al-Bashir and the subsequent...

Moderate Syrian Rebels are Just ISIS Members in Halloween Costumes, CIA Finds

Moderate Syrian Rebels are Just ISIS Members in Halloween Costumes, CIA Finds

American intelligence officials were dismayed to learn that a group of men believed to be moderate Syrian rebels were in fact just ISIS members in Halloween costumes. Hopes were raised when a CIA source spotted a group of military-age males walking into a Damascus-area restaurant in Western clothing. None of the men were wearing ski masks or carrying scimitars or...

Americans Reminded About Afghanistan After Taliban Heard Defending Dave Chappelle

Americans Reminded About Afghanistan After Taliban Heard Defending Dave Chappelle

Attention has once again shifted to the ongoing humanitarian crisis in Afghanistan after a Taliban leader was caught on hot mic defending controversial comedian Dave Chappelle during a televised execution. The controversy arose during the beheading of Samira al-Tajiki, a 17-year-old girl suspected of reading a book. Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar, who was attending the event, was heard...

Drone Strike at School Board Takes Out High-Ranking Concerned Parent

Drone Strike at School Board Takes Out High-Ranking Concerned Parent

Justice Department officials are touting an early victory in the new War on Terror after a drone strike in Loudoun County, Virginia took out the chairwoman of a prominent parent activist group. The terrorist, Karen White, was believed to be the leader of a local terror cell that opposed mask mandates and carried out a number of brazen attacks. Last...

Sally Rooney Doubles Price of Book So Jews Don’t Buy It
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Sally Rooney Doubles Price of Book So Jews Don’t Buy It

In another move aimed at supporting the anti-Israel BDS movement, Irish author Sally Rooney announced that she will double the price of her new novel to prevent Jews, notoriously stingy, from buying the book. Determined to ensure her book is not read by any Israelis or Zionists, Rooney already refused to allow her book to be translated into Hebrew. But...

Looking to Cash In on Nostalgia, God to Release Sequel to New Testament

Looking to Cash In on Nostalgia, God to Release Sequel to New Testament

In a move that some fans of the originals are calling a cash grab, prominent author God announced he will release a long-awaited sequel to his 100 AD smash hit ‘The Bible.’ After penning the wildly popular Hebrew Bible and New Testament, God has long resisted making another installment in the series even as works of fan fiction including The...