Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.
Stepping up her calls for an invasion of the Midwest state, Fox News host Laura Ingraham has accused Minnesota of developing weapons of mass destruction and urged immediate action. Ingraham had previously called on Americans to liberate the people of Minnesota as well as California and Virginia, comparing the plight of residents under lockdown to Afghans, Syrians, Iraqis and Kurds...
Omar Barghouti, the founder of the Boycott-Divestment-Sanctions movement (BDS) against Israel, has loosened restrictions against watching Israeli pornography for the duration of the coronavirus lockdown. “If an Israeli finds a cure for cancer or makes a remarkably hardcore porno video, we do not ask that supporters of the Palestinian cause or Palestinians themselves boycott these innovations,” Barghouti told The Mideast...
With Congress fighting to keep the economy afloat amid the coronavirus shutdown, Rep. Ilhan Omar has demanded any future package include support for out-of-work suicide bombers and other jihadi terrorists. Omar noted that restrictions on large gatherings and the closure of popular establishments has made it impossible for terrorists to target crowded locations and cause mass casualties. “It is the...
Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei has issued a fatwa, or religious decree, against American animal rights activist Carole Baskin, accusing the big cat enthusiast of killing her husband. “The Quran and many hadiths warn explicitly not to feed your husband to a herd of tigers,” Khamenei exclaimed. “If that infidel Carole Baskin does not repent and accept Allah, I order...
Looking to crack down on citizens violating lockdown orders issued to slow the spread of the novel coronavirus, several US states have hired community watch vigilante George Zimmerman to confront anyone seen in public for non-essential business. “To make sure people are following social distancing guidelines, we have asked Mr. Zimmerman to patrol our streets and to respectfully approach anyone...
Criticizing their secular counterparts for doing too little to stop the spread of COVID-19, ultra-Orthodox Jews in the US and Israel announced a series of massive prayer rallies to combat the disease. “Just when we need prayer more than ever, many of our fellow Jews have decided that now is the time to stop going to synagogue,” one resident of...
Insisting that the coronavirus is not violent but simply misunderstood, former President Barack Obama and former Secretary of State John Kerry are calling for a negotiated settlement to the COVID-19 crisis. “For months, our refusal to treat this virus as a legitimate and equal party has allowed it to spread unchecked,” said Kerry. “Only by entering negotiations and making a...
In a scathing attack on Americans battling COVID-19, Senator Bernie Sanders accused the 60,000 Americans diagnosed with the novel coronavirus of rigging the system to prevent all Americans from experiencing the disease. “We keep hearing about how America is leading the world in new coronavirus cases, and how there have never been more Americans with a fever and dry cough,...
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has apologized for his 2017 meeting with Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard, saying that he had been under the impression that she was a relevant political figure in the US. Assad’s statement came after Gabbard dropped out of the presidential race after receiving just 0.5% of the vote in Tuesday’s primary contests. “I never would have met with...
Former ‘Empire’ star Jussie Smollett was attacked early Monday morning by a violent Coronavirus gang, the actor told Chicago police. Smollett was walking home from a nearby Subway restaurant when a group of Coronavirus germs approached him, according to his own account to police. Yelling, “This is Wuhan country!” the germs proceeded to cough in his face and wrap a...
In an effort to prevent the spread of coronavirus, the Islamic State is advising its suicide bombers to avoid large crowds and densely packed areas while carrying out their operations. “As we look to mitigate the harm caused by COVID-19, we are adjusting our operations to protect our mujahideen against the threat of the virus,” ISIS leader Amir Mohammed al-Salbi...
With the National Guard called into New York’s suburbs in response to a Coronavirus outbreak, New Yorkers are reaching out to Palestinians for tips on living under military occupation. “Until this week, I never knew what it was like to have my movement restricted, or to see tanks in the street,” said one resident of New Rochelle, New York, where...
Leaders of the anti-Israel Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions movement (BDS) are now calling for a boycott of the Coronavirus after it was reported that the virus was present at the recent conference for the pro-Israel lobby AIPAC in Washington DC. “We have repeatedly called on supporters of the Palestinian people to skip the racist, Islamophobic, apartheid AIPAC conference, and we...
The Taliban has called off its peace deal with the US, saying that it could not normalize relations with such a sexist nation following Senator Elizabeth Warren’s exit from the presidential race. “Warren’s failure to gain traction exposed Americans’ deep-seated misogyny”, deputy Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar said. He also noted, “countries across the world, from Australia to the...
Responding to criticism that his spending plan would result in a $25 trillion shortfall, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced he has appointed rapper and noted fiscal authority MC Hammer to serve as lead economic advisor. “It’s not a radical idea to say that every American deserves free healthcare, free education, and a summer camp,” Sanders said during a press conference....
Senator Bernie Sanders is calling for a pardon for Hollywood sex offender Harvey Weinstein after the disgraced producer promised to launch a literacy program for Los Angeles residents. The move came after Weinstein, whose abuse helped launch the #metoo movement, was found guilty on charges of third-degree rape and criminal sex act. But Sanders, who is now the frontrunner for...
Pointing to the Vermont senator’s support for dictatorships in Cuba, Nicaragua, and the Soviet Union, leaders of the Islamic State are bewildered that Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has not yet said anything good about its caliphate. “He lavished praise on Fidel Castro, Daniel Ortega, heck, even Stalin. What do these brutal dictators have that we don’t?” ISIS leader Amir...
In an exclusive interview, the most famous former Hamas captive Gilad Shalit said the five years he spent as a prisoner has prepared him for his upcoming marriage. “A lot of men head into marriage not knowing what it’s like to lose all your freedoms, to have to beg for food, to be lucky if you’re allowed to use the...
Former mayor and Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has seen his support among young voters plummet despite millions in new media advertising after the billionaire neglected to promote a single post on The Mideast Beast, a popular political satire news site. The Bloomberg campaign made headlines by sponsoring content on several popular social media accounts in an effort to reach...
Looking to tout her expertise on Middle Eastern political expertise, New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez cited “famed leader Yasser Ben-Gurion” in an Instagram post. “I was just reading about how famed leader Yasser Ben-Gurion predicted decades ago that President Trump would ruin things between the Israelis and Palestinians,” Ocasio-Cortez wrote on Instagram, confusing David Ben-Gurion, Israel’s first prime minister, and...
