Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.
With the autonomous region of CHAZ now receiving increasing attention over its efforts to separate from Seattle, ISIS veterans have sought reassurance that their own breakaway efforts did not appear similarly pathetic. “When we broke apart from Syria and Iraq and declared our own country, I gotta admit, we all thought it was pretty badass,” says one early ISIS recruit....
Calling the recent US trend of angry mobs destroying statues “inspiring but a bit amateur,” leaders of ISIS and the Taliban have agreed to send advisors to Antifa and other far left groups on how to erase historical artifacts. “Destroying all art, culture and history from previous eras is obviously constructive,” said ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi. “But they’ve got...
With their own struggle for statehood going on 55 years, Palestinians told The Mideast Beast that they are shocked at how rapidly the Capital Hill Autonomous Zone, or CHAZ, has achieved independence. CHAZ, which covers several blocks of territory previously controlled by Seattle, was established earlier this week, with Seattle immediately withdrawing its forces and recognizing the zone’s independence. “Why...
With staff at The New York Times in revolt and the editorial page editor leaving his position over the decision to publish an op-ed by a Republican senator, Taliban deputy leader Sirajuddin Haqqani said he is deeply offended that his own column just months earlier engendered no such response. “We helped Osama bin Laden carry out 9/11, then spent 20...
An offshoot of the Islamic militant group ISIS has seen its popularity surge among US millennials after explaining its acts of violence are in fact “democratic terrorism.” “This is nothing like the real terrorism that al Qaeda or Hezbollah carry out,” Mohammed al-Sandersi, the head of Democratic ISIS, or DISIS, told The Mideast Beast. “It is going to be good...
Claiming that existing language did not go far enough to protect victims of racism and Islamophobia, House Democrats have passed a bill redefining the term “hate crime” to include “any criticism of, or disagreement with, Representative Ilhan Omar.” The bill comes after Omar’s description of the September 11 attacks as “some people did something” sparked outrage and led to criticism...
The Islamic State is reportedly regretting its decision to use a black flag as its emblem, as followers of the terror group on social media are unable to tell that it supported #BlackOutTuesday. Across Facebook and Instagram, users posted pictures of a black background, some with white writing, to express their opposition to racism and support for the Black Lives...
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has lashed out at Minneapolis police over the arrest of CNN reporter Omar Jimenez, calling it an outrage that the journalist was released within an hour with no apparent signs of torture. “The way Mr. Jimenez was treated is appalling, inexcusable and a black mark on America’s treatment of the press,” Erdogan said. “The guy...
The nearly decade-long civil war in Syria has finally ended, as Sunni rebels defeated the Assad regime by burning down a Damascus AutoZone. The destruction of the local automotive parts franchise was the final nail in the coffin for the regime, which quickly surrendered and agreed to help transition the country to democracy. “We were determined to restore our rights...
Stepping up his attacks on the World Health Organization, US President Donald Trump has banned Roger Daltrey, the front man for the British rock band The Who, from entering the country. “The WHO is totally doing the bidding of China and has been very unfair to me, and a lot of people are telling me that this Roger guy is...
Inspired by comedian Joe Rogan’s $100 million deal with Spotify, Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad says he will resign his position as president to focus on launching a news and culture podcast. It is not clear what will happen when Assad, whose efforts to cling to power have left to more than half a million dead, exits politics, as the strongman...
In a botched attempt to appease the right wing of his governing bloc, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has mistakenly annexed the City of Palestine, Texas. Netanyahu was seeking simply to make good on his recent promises to extend Israeli sovereignty to the Jordan Valley and certain Israeli settlements on land Palestinians hope will be part of a future state...
First Lady Melania Trump has been arrested on charges of attempted murder after police say she tried to convince her husband to drink fish tank cleaner containing hydroxychloroquine. President Donald Trump was hospitalized after ingesting a substantial amount of the tank cleaner, which included a trivial amount of hydroxychloroquine along with a host of deadly chemicals. Melania initially told police...
Looking to end the longstanding Israeli-Palestinian conflict once and for all, CNN will give climate change activist and Middle East expert Greta Thunberg an hour of airtime to lay out her peace plan. The network announced that the Special, which will air next week during prime time, will follow her appearance on an expert panel discussing COVID-19. Although she has...
Actor and director Mel Gibson announced that she has transitioned and now identifies as a woman, a move that came a day before Gibson declared her candidacy in the controversial “Miss Hitler 2020” pageant. “I’ve always kept the real me buried deep inside, but it’s time to stop hiding and let my spirit shine,” said Gibson, who will now go...
A week after appearing in public and ending days of speculation over his possible death, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un now acknowledges he disappeared to get away from the constant barrage of calls and love letters coming from US President Donald Trump. “Honestly, it was just getting overwhelming,” Kim told The Mideast Beast. “He was constantly calling me, texting...
With the coronavirus preventing large rallies, Iran’s leaders have been forced to cancel this year’s anti-Israel “Quds Day” protests and instead will lead a series of “Death to Israel” and “Death to America” chants via Zoom conference. The rally will feature tens of thousands of Zoom attendees each taking turns calling for death to one of Iran’s eternal enemies. In...
With New York Mayor Bill De Blasio facing criticism from across the political spectrum for a hostile tweet directed at the “Jewish community,” anti-Israel activist Linda Sarsour urged him to use the word “Zionist” instead of Jewish in future anti-Semitic tweets. “As I’ve explained to Mayor de Blasio several times, it is offensive and improper to direct such hatred explicitly...
With North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un rumored to be either dead or in a vegetative state, Senator and former presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren is calling on North Korea to name Kim Yo-jong as the country’s first female dictator. “The history of the Kim family’s rule over the North Korean people has been a disgrace, as not once in more...
American forces have once again launched an invasion of Iraq, with the US now looking to return oil to the Middle Eastern nation after prices for crude dropped below zero. The drop in oil demand amid a glut of cheap oil has forced American refiners to pay offtakers to rid them of product. Shortly after US Marines reached Baghdad, American...
