Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Satire Writers Storm Pennsylvania Voting Center to Stop the Count
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Satire Writers Storm Pennsylvania Voting Center to Stop the Count

Panicked over the prospect of President Donald Trump’s exit from office, satirical writers have surrounded voting centers in the Philadelphia area to stop the counting of votes and prevent former Vice President Joe Biden from taking the lead in the crucial swing state. Chanting “Stop the count!” and “Four more years!” hundreds of writers from satirical publications across the political...

‘This is Why We Don’t Do Democracy,’ Arab Leaders Explain

‘This is Why We Don’t Do Democracy,’ Arab Leaders Explain

Pointing both to the confusion in counting the vote in the US presidential election and the likely prospect of a head of state losing power, leaders across the Arab world are pointing to the US presidential election as a warning of the evils of democracy. “When we have an election, we never spend days and days waiting for the results,”...

Progressives Kind of Disappointed they Don’t Get to Riot
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Progressives Kind of Disappointed they Don’t Get to Riot

Admitting that he was having some regrets about casting his vote for Joe Biden, Portland resident Adam Frederick lamented that the inconclusive election results upended his plans to spend the night looting and rioting. “Look, I guess I am glad fascism and white supremacy has not won and all, but I was really counting on getting some free stuff from...

Undecided Voter Breaks for Trump After Remembering He Said Biden ‘Not Smart’

Undecided Voter Breaks for Trump After Remembering He Said Biden ‘Not Smart’

Joanne Peterson, a previously undecided voter living in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, told The Mideast Beast that she has decided to support President Donald Trump’s re-election after remembering that the president pointed out that his opponent, former vice president Joe Biden, is “not smart”. Peterson said she was going into the voting booth with an open mind but was ultimately persuaded to...

Portland Mayor Trails bin Laden’s Corpse in Re-election Bid

Portland Mayor Trails bin Laden’s Corpse in Re-election Bid

Entering the final days before the election, Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler finds himself down eight percentage points in his re-election campaign against the dead body of former al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. Wheeler, a Democrat, has come under fire for what critics see as too moderate an approach to protests and riots that broke out in the city over...

Macron Again Angers Muslims With Muhammad Halloween Costume
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Macron Again Angers Muslims With Muhammad Halloween Costume

French President Emmanuel Macron has once again angered some of his country’s Muslim citizens, this time by appearing as the Prophet Muhammad on Saturday evening at a Halloween party. In what aides called an effort to stand up for free expression and speech in the face of a series of gruesome terrorist attacks, Macron arrived on a camel at an...

France Announces It Will Use Guillotine on Terrorists
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France Announces It Will Use Guillotine on Terrorists

Following the terrorist attacks in Paris last November, which claimed 129 lives, the recent capture of suspect Salah Abdeslam, and the most recent attack in Nice killing over 80 people, French President François Hollande announced his intention of finding his inner-Robespierre and employing the guillotine to execute ISIS or ISIS-linked terrorists. “While we have not beheaded anyone in a really, really...

NYT’s ‘Anonymous’ High-Ranking ISIS Official Revealed to be Camel

NYT’s ‘Anonymous’ High-Ranking ISIS Official Revealed to be Camel

Humpy al-Sahari, a dromedary camel and former ISIS caravan member, has revealed himself as “Anonymous,” the ISIS regime critic described as a high-ranking senior official in a New York Times op-ed. Humpy, who was recruited into ISIS in 2013, penned a New York Times guest column criticizing the terror group titled, ‘I am part of the resistance inside the ISIS...

Barrett to Meet with ISIS, Iran for Tips on Implementing Theocracy
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Barrett to Meet with ISIS, Iran for Tips on Implementing Theocracy

Wasting no time in implementing her vision of an all-powerful theocracy, newly confirmed Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett has boarded a red-eye flight to the Middle East to meet with the leaders of ISIS and the Islamic Republic of Iran for advice on imposing her religion on her subjects. Barrett will first fly to Tehran, where she will visit...

Armenia, Azerbaijan Agree to Truce After Kendall Jenner Shows Up with Pepsi
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Armenia, Azerbaijan Agree to Truce After Kendall Jenner Shows Up with Pepsi

A truce has been reached in the conflict over Nagorno-Karabakh, as both Armenia and Azerbaijan agreed to a ceasefire after reality television star Kendall Jenner arrived at the battlefield with Pepsi. Armenian and Azerbaijani troops were lined up across from each other on the battlefield, with each country’s forces waiting for the other to fire the first shot. But seconds...

Khamenei Apologizes for Showing Penis During Zoom Sermon

Khamenei Apologizes for Showing Penis During Zoom Sermon

Saying he had no idea that his camera was on, Iranian Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has apologized for revealing his penis during a Friday sermon broadcast on Zoom. Khamenei was giving his regular weekly speech on the evil of the West and the importance of supporting his regime, which has been delivered virtually since the outbreak of the COVID-19 pandemic, when...

Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement
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Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement

Saying that the radical leftist group had emulated both its look and political views without authorization, al-Qaeda announced that it is filing a lawsuit against the American “antifa” organization. “Listen, we were doing the whole ‘dress in black, cover your face and run around screaming about hating America’ thing 20 years ago,” Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Qaeda’s leader, told The Mideast Beast....

Gal Gadot to Play Muhammad in Upcoming Biopic

Gal Gadot to Play Muhammad in Upcoming Biopic

In a decision that has angered both Muslims and western liberals, Israeli actress Gal Gadot has been cast to play the Islamic prophet Muhammad in an upcoming film about the founder of Islam’s life. The ‘Wonder Woman’ star and Israel native will don a fake beard to play the lead role in ‘From Medina to Mecca: One Man’s Journey to...

Biden Noncommittal on Launching Drone Strike Against Supreme Court
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Biden Noncommittal on Launching Drone Strike Against Supreme Court

Insisting that he did not want to see the question become an issue in the upcoming presidential election, former Vice President Joe Biden refused Saturday to reveal whether he plans to authorize a drone strike against the US Supreme Court. Since the death of Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Biden has faced increasing pressure to commit to taking out the...

Trump Launches ‘Tremendouser Nobel Committee,’ Awards Self Peace Prize
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Trump Launches ‘Tremendouser Nobel Committee,’ Awards Self Peace Prize

After seeing his administration snubbed by the Norwegian Nobel Committee despite its role in facilitating peace deals between Israel and two Arab nations, US President Donald Trump has established the “USA More Tremendouser Nobel Committee” and awarded himself its inaugural peace prize. Trump, who had lobbied for the Nobel Committee’s honors before the World Food Program was ultimately awarded the...

Hidden Imam Diagnosed with Covid

Hidden Imam Diagnosed with Covid

The Hidden Imam, a messianic figure in Shia Islam said to have been in hiding since the 10th century AD, has been diagnosed with Covid-19, Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani told The Mideast Beast. The Hidden One is considered both the political and religious leader of the Shia people. In Iran, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei rules in his absence until...