Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.
Looking to emulate US Vice President Mike Pence and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad agreed to go on live television and give the COVID-19 vaccine to Sunni children captured from rebel-held villages. “A lot of Syrians are afraid that the vaccine is not safe, or that it is a government plot to poison our citizens or...
Following the US Electoral College’s confirmation that Joe Biden won the 2020 Presidential Election, Trump has publicly conceded that he has lost round one. However, he immediately announced his campaign plans to take a short break before gearing up for round two of the best-of-three election series. “Biden might have just barely won the ‘first election’ because of the crooked...
In an unexpected move, President-elect Joe Biden announced he will keep Jared Kushner on as a senior adviser after Kushner married Biden’s son Hunter. Kushner, who was previously married to President Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka, revealed late Tuesday that he and Hunter had jetted off to a private island to tie the knot. “Listen, this Jared guy’s a dimwit and...
Desperately in need of a vacation, Rep. Eric Swalwell is reportedly both nervous and excited to introduce his new girlfriend, Barbara Assad, to his family this Christmas. Swalwell, who recently came under scrutiny for his close relationship with an alleged Chinese spy, said he started dating Ms. Assad after meeting her at various political functions. “What I love most about...
With the Supreme Court unanimously rejecting his bid to overturn the election, President Donald Trump announced on Twitter that he will appeal the decision to the Sharia Court established during the Obama administration. “The Supreme Court is in on the voter fraud and wants to hand the presidency to sleepy Joe Biden!” Trump tweeted. “Thank God, or should I say...
Looking for new sources of revenue to counteract trillions in Covid-related stimulus spending, President-elect Joe Biden has joined OnlyFans and plans to offer followers exclusive access to risqué content for $50 a month. Biden said he first learned about the site from former congressman Anthony Weiner, who reached out to Biden asking to borrow $120 to follow porn star Riley...
In his latest attempt to save President Donald Trump’s re-election bid, former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani has officially converted to Islam, named himself a mufti, and issued a fatwa declaring Trump the winner of the November 3 presidential election. The move is the latest attempt to reverse the election results by Trump’s legal team, which has come up...
New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo has claimed responsibility for the assassination of top Iranian nuclear scientist Mohsen Fakhrizadeh, telling reporters he had no choice but to order the killing after he learned that Fakhrizadeh planned to host more than ten guests at a dinner party that evening. Cuomo said intelligence sources inside Iran witnessed the scientist pickup up a...
Looking to disprove reports that its leader Ayman al-Zawahiri has died, al Qaeda has released a video of Zawahiri discussing current events including the hit Netflix show “Tiger King.” “The evil of America is once again on display. Poor Yusuf al-Exotic is rotting in prison, while that husband-murdering infidel Carole Baskin is walking free,” Zawahiri is seen saying on the...
In another blow to Iran’s weapons programs, the country’s leading designer of nunchucks has been assassinated, with Israel suspected of carrying out the operation. Basir Latifi, the mastermind behind Iran’s advanced nunchuck program, was gunned down while exiting his car in downtown Tehran. Though no group or country has officially taken responsibility, the gunmen were seen wearing kippot (skull caps)...
Remarking that his favorite restaurants may be forced to close if the indigent continue to spread the coronavirus, California Governor Gavin Newsom has issued an order banning poor and middle-class Californians from gathering for Thanksgiving. Newsom said that the ban was necessary to prevent these citizens from passing the coronavirus to wealthy and politically connected government leaders and lobbyists. The...
Calling it the most shocking revelation yet, President Trump’s personal attorney Rudy Giuliani said he has compelling evidence that the ghost of al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden worked with the ghost of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez to hack Dominion voting machines. Bin Laden and Chavez worked together to change millions of Trump votes to former Vice President Joe Biden,...
Looking to earn the respect of his organization’s fighters, ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi has agreed to appear on the cover of Vogue wearing a Gucci dress for the magazine’s January issue. Qurashi, who has struggled to earn the trust of his mujahadeen since his predecessor Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was killed, told The Mideast Beast that the idea came...
Congressman-elect Madison Cawthorn has brokered a historic peace deal between Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, ending generations of distrust by convincing both leaders to convert to Christianity. Ending the religious dispute, Cawthorn explained, opened the door for a broader reconciliation. “Once we accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, all the other issues just...
Acknowledging that the term is considered offensive, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman apologized for executing homosexuals based on their “sexual preference” rather than their sexual orientation. Bin Salman’s apology came after Kyle Griffin, a senior producer for MSNBC, pointed out on Twitter that the Saudi penal code called for “the beheading of the homosexual evildoers, who defy the will...
In a move that has alarmed Democrats, US President Donald Trump named Egyptian President Abdel Fattah al-Sisi, who came to power in a 2013 coup d’état, to replace former Secretary of Defense Mark Esper. The move comes amid fears that Trump will refuse to leave office following his loss to former Vice President Joe Biden in last week’s election. Sisi’s...
Promising that there would be no daylight between his administration and his predecessor’s on the issue, President-elect Joe Biden vowed that his top priority upon taking office will be breaking up the satanic pedophile ring of Democratic politicians, Hollywood actors, religious figures and government officials that has been secretly ruling the world. “We must waste no time in battling climate...
A terrorist attack at Four Seasons Total Landscaping caused one death and thousands of dollars of damages following a miscommunication between al Qaeda’s command and a suicide bomber. Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri had ordered the suicide bomber, Muhammad al-Upsi, to strike the Four Seasons Hotel in Philadelphia, a luxury establishment frequented by wealthy westerners. But when al-Upsi entered “Four...
With exit polls showing US President Donald Trump making gains among Muslim voters, Democratic leaders have announced plans to rename the religion ‘Islamx’ and its followers ‘Muslimx’ in an effort to be more inclusive. “It is clear that our messaging was not reaching Muslim communities as we expected, and we believe using colonialist heteronormative patriarchal terms like ‘Muslim’ and ‘Islam’...
Calling it the honor of a lifetime, former Georgia gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams is reportedly preparing to deliver her acceptance speech as the president-elect of the United States of America. “Being elected governor of Georgia was both an honor and a humbling experience, but it pales in comparison to becoming the president,” Abrams told The Mideast Beast. “The fact that...
