Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Sanders Voters Torn Between Voting for Hillary or Joining ISIS

Sanders Voters Torn Between Voting for Hillary or Joining ISIS

As Hillary Clinton looks all but guaranteed to defeat Senator Bernie Sanders for the Democratic presidential nomination, Sanders supporters are reportedly torn over whether to support the former Secretary of State or flee the country and join ISIS, calling both options equally awful. “On the one hand, leaving my family and traveling to Syria to live in the desert and behead innocent people seems really unappealing,” said one Sanders supporter. “But voting for Hillary? Now that’s just fucking torture.” Clinton...

ISIS Leader Suspended from Jihad After Testing Positive for Steroids

ISIS Leader Suspended from Jihad After Testing Positive for Steroids

The Islamic State was dealt a setback Thursday, as ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was suspended indefinitely after testing positive for jihad-enhancing drugs. The failed test not only puts the Islamic State’s future in jeopardy but has called into question the legitimacy of previous accomplishments, which for years have been tainted by rumors of steroid use. “During a random drug test last week, Mr. Baghdadi tested positive for the performance-enhancing drug Jihadozol, a steroid that has negative health effects and...

Israel Demolishes CNN Offices, Cites Biased Reporting

Israel Demolishes CNN Offices, Cites Biased Reporting

In a ‘defense’ move that the Foreign Press Association blasted as collective punishment and a violation of press freedom, the Israeli government, now under the direction of its new Defense Minister, the hardline and slightly chubby Avigdor Lieberman, finally ordered the demolition of several CNN offices Wednesday after the network provided “inaccurate and biased coverage” of a November 2014 terror attack in a Jerusalem synagogue. IDF D9 Bulldozers razed CNN’s regional offices in Jerusalem and Tel Aviv following the report, as journalists...

In Honor of Sykes-Picot Centennial, France and Britain Redraw America’s Borders

In Honor of Sykes-Picot Centennial, France and Britain Redraw America’s Borders

With 2016 marking the 100-year anniversary of the Sykes-Picot Agreement, which created the borders that make up much of the modern Middle East, the French and British governments announced that they have once again proven their mapmaking abilities by re-divvying the North American continent. “In 1916, we and our French allies joined forces to create modern borders in the Middle East that, though not perfect, stood for 100 years after the collapse of the Ottoman Empire,” British Prime Minister David...

ISIS Unleashes ‘War of Micro-Aggressions’ against the US

ISIS Unleashes ‘War of Micro-Aggressions’ against the US

Calling it the final phase in their mission to destroy America and turn the whole world into an Islamic caliphate, the terrorist group ISIS launched a new “war of micro-aggressions” against the US this week. “Until the American crusaders withdraw from our countries and accept Sharia Law, our warriors will appropriate their culture, subtly patronize their heritage, perpetuate harmful stereotypes and show little to no sensitivity towards Americans’ minority status in the global community,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told...

Eminem to Convert to Judaism, Live in Tel Aviv?

Eminem to Convert to Judaism, Live in Tel Aviv?

Following a recent low profile trip to Israel, and following in the footsteps of other celebrities, sources close to rapper Marshall Mathers, better known by his stage name “Eminem,” say he may be planning to convert to Judaism. “I really thought I was being original with the whole white anger thing, and constantly complaining about my mother and then feeling guilty about it,” a frustrated Mathers told The Mideast Beast. “But after visiting Israel I discovered these people are masters at...

Inspired by Zimmerman, Assad to Auction Off Shells Used to Gas Civilians

Inspired by Zimmerman, Assad to Auction Off Shells Used to Gas Civilians

Citing Florida neighborhood watch coordinator George Zimmerman as his inspiration, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has decided to auction off the shells used to gas to death thousands of Syrian civilians. On websites advertising the shells, Assad described the artillery as “a piece of Syrian history.” “I am honored and humbled to announce the sale of a Syrian military icon,” Assad’s post states. “The artillery for sale was used to defend my life from a brutal attack by Syrian children and...

Iranian Leader Glad to See Americans Over their Fear of Giving Nuclear Weapons to Madman

Iranian Leader Glad to See Americans Over their Fear of Giving Nuclear Weapons to Madman

Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei told reporters he was pleasantly surprised by recent political developments in the United States, noting that Americans had seemingly gotten over their fear of allowing an irrational, unhinged, and bigoted madman to possess nuclear weapons. “I had been under the impression that Americans, and especially Republicans, were dead-set against letting a mentally disturbed fanatic with millions of apocalyptic followers attain nuclear bombs,” Khamenei told The Mideast Beast. “It’s nice to see that now they’re cool...

Germany Issues Warrant for Turkish Prime Minister’s Arrest

Germany Issues Warrant for Turkish Prime Minister’s Arrest

German Chancellor Angela Merkel has issued a warrant for the arrest of Turkish Prime Minister Ahmet Davutoglu after the prime minister’s reported falling out with Turkey’s president, Recep Tayyip Erdogan. “No one – I repeat, no one – will insult, demean, or disagree with President Erdogan while I’m still around,” said Merkel, who last month launched a criminal investigation into comedian Jan Böhmermann’s alleged insults of the Turkish president. “If Davutoglu did anything to hurt or offend Recep, then mark...

ISIS Declares ‘Mission Accomplished’ on Destruction of America After Palin Endorses Trump

ISIS Declares ‘Mission Accomplished’ on Destruction of America After Palin Endorses Trump

Claiming that his group’s goal of destroying America had clearly been achieved, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi declared “Mission Accomplished” following former Alaska governor Sarah Palin’s OMFG endorsement of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. “There were many who laughed at me when I declared the restoration of the Islamic caliphate and promised that it would bring about the downfall of the American infidels,” Baghdadi declared, standing on the deck of an aircraft carrier underneath a ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner. “I hate to say I told...

In Bid to Win Over Muslims, Trump Posts Picture Eating Falafel

In Bid to Win Over Muslims, Trump Posts Picture Eating Falafel

In an effort to improve his standing among Muslim voters, Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump posted a picture on Facebook Friday of himself eating falafel while giving a thumbs up to the camera. “Having the best jihad balls from the Trump Tower kitchen,” Trump wrote in the Facebook post, referring to the falafel. “I love Muslims and their strange terrorist food!” Trump, however, is not backing away from his position that Muslims should be banned from entering the country. RELATED: Donald...

ISIS Pulls Propaganda Video After Executioner is Discovered to be Porn Star

ISIS Pulls Propaganda Video After Executioner is Discovered to be Porn Star

While the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS) is now “facing cash and manpower shortages,” ISIS is also having to deal with another unexpected problem, one similar to Ted Cruz just a few months ago. The organization has had to pull its latest execution video from social media after one of the executioners in the video was discovered to have previously worked as a soft-core porn actor. The video featured a group of Shia Muslims sitting in a group-therapy circle speaking about their infidel beliefs...

Liberal Arab Activists Withdraw Their Calls for Democracy Following Trump Wins

Liberal Arab Activists Withdraw Their Calls for Democracy Following Trump Wins

With Presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump having all but clinched the Republican nomination for president, liberal activists from across the Arab world have retracted their longstanding demand that their countries adopt democratic rule. “For years, I have been calling for democratic elections and for the will of the people to prevail,” Saudi blogger Raif Badawi told The Mideast Beast. “Now, with Mr. Trump winning among Western-educated Americans, I stand corrected. Clearly I deserve my floggings.” Trump’s electoral rise has...

ISIS Urges UK Labour Party to Tone Down Anti-Semitic Rhetoric

ISIS Urges UK Labour Party to Tone Down Anti-Semitic Rhetoric

In a rare call for restraint from the terrorist group, ISIS’ leadership has criticized the UK’s Labour party for its anti-Semitic rhetoric, calling recent comments and online posts from the party’s leaders “a bit much.” “Listen, we hate the Jews as much as anyone, but you can’t just go around calling for Israel to be relocated to America, or saying Hitler was a Zionist,” ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “You have to show some sensitivity. Hell,...

ISIS Leader Kills, Once Again, at 2nd Annual Caliphate Correspondents Dinner

ISIS Leader Kills, Once Again, at 2nd Annual Caliphate Correspondents Dinner

For the second year in a row, ISIS leader Abu-Bakr Baghdadi took aim, figuratively, at his rivals, his allies, and the media in the second annual Caliphate Correspondents Dinner, putting aside jihad for a night of jokes. “This is the one time a year I try not to bomb,” Baghdadi quipped, earning laughs from foreign leaders and media members in attendance. “Speaking of which, where’s Larry Wilmore? We could have used you in Brussels.” Pivoting to the U.S. elections, Baghdadi...

Experts Impressed After Trump Correctly Pronounces ‘Syria’ in Foreign Policy Speech

Experts Impressed After Trump Correctly Pronounces ‘Syria’ in Foreign Policy Speech

Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump surprised foreign policy experts this week, delivering a speech in which he not only refrained from promising to nuke any of America’s allies but correctly pronounced the names of several Middle Eastern nations, including Syria. “I had expected him to nail Libya and Egypt, since those are pretty easy to pronounce,” former Middle East negotiator Aaron David Miller told The Mideast Beast. “But I was really impressed by his pronunciation of Syria, which is a...

Citing Need for ‘Safe Space,’ Turkey’s President to Attend College in US

Citing Need for ‘Safe Space,’ Turkey’s President to Attend College in US

Saying that he had finally found a group of people as thin-skinned and hysterical as himself, Turkish President Recep Tayyib Erdogan announced this week that he would be leaving Turkey and attending college on an American campus. “I always thought that I was alone in believing anyone who hurt my feelings with microaggressions should be locked up or killed, and that the whole world should be my ‘safe space,’” Erdogan told The Mideast Beast during an interview at an Oberlin...

ISIS Disbands After Obama Finally Says ‘Radical Islamic Terrorism’

ISIS Disbands After Obama Finally Says ‘Radical Islamic Terrorism’

The Islamic State terrorist group was sent fleeing Sunday when, after seven years of refusing to do so, President Barack Obama used the words “radical Islamic terrorism.” Speaking from the East Room in the White House, President Obama gave the shortest address of his time in office – after finally uttering the three-word phrase, Obama left the podium. His address was enough, however, to send ISIS fighters scattering. As of press time, ISIS posts from Raqqa, Syria to Fallujah, Iraq...

Ahmadinejad to Convert Back to Judaism Following Changes to Passover Rules

Ahmadinejad to Convert Back to Judaism Following Changes to Passover Rules

Once an outspoken anti-Semite and Holocaust denier, former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced plans to return to Judaism after a group of Conservative rabbis overturned an 800-year ban on eating kitniyot, a group of foods that includes rice, beans and legumes, during Passover. “The only reason I converted to Islam in the first place was because I could never go eight days without bread, rice, beans or corn,” Ahmadinejad told The Mideast Beast. “Now that the they’ve finally changed those...

Ted Cruz Promises to Put Netanyahu’s Wife on the United States Twenty-Dollar Bill

Ted Cruz Promises to Put Netanyahu’s Wife on the United States Twenty-Dollar Bill

In a move aimed at positioning himself as the election’s most stridently pro-Israel candidate, Texas Senator Ted Cruz promised to scrap plans to put anti-slavery activist Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill and to instead place Israeli First Lady Sara Netanyahu on the currency. RELATED: Ted Cruz: “Barack Obama Doesn’t Want to Kill Civilians. I Do” “If we must put a woman on our money, it’s only fitting that we put the wife of the only leader that U.S. Republicans actually...