Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

Buoyed by Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway’s recent revelation that false statements can be redefined as “alternative facts,” the terrorist group ISIS has released what it dubbed an “alternative Quran” to justify some of its less Islamic practices. “While we enjoyed calling ourselves the ‘Islamic’ State, and we really liked making gruesome videos of burning enemy pilots to death, it was getting a little bit tough trying to reconcile the two,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “Plus,...

ISIS Opens Recruiting Center in Israel After JCC Bomb Threat Arrest

ISIS Opens Recruiting Center in Israel After JCC Bomb Threat Arrest

Saying that the group “deeply regrets” ignoring a key demographic, the Islamic State announced that it has opened a recruiting center in Tel Aviv following the arrest of a Jewish Israeli-American teenager for making bomb threats against Jewish Community Centers in the United States. “For years, we bought into the false stereotype that Jews are less capable of unhinged or violent anti-Semitism than the rest of us,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said. “But the heroic actions of this young Israeli...

Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Leaders Praise Trump for Refusing Handshake with Woman

Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Leaders Praise Trump for Refusing Handshake with Woman

President Trump’s refusal to shake German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s hand has won him the support of Israel’s Haredi community, as religious conservatives welcomed an unlikely ally in their battle against the mixing of the genders. “For years we’ve been refusing to sit on planes or busses with women who are not our wives because any physical contact between the sexes is wrong, and we are glad that the president has finally come around,” a spokesman for the ultra-orthodox, Jewish community...

ISIS Calls Trump Budget ‘A Bit Harsh’

ISIS Calls Trump Budget ‘A Bit Harsh’

The Islamic State has distanced itself from President Donald Trump’s first budget proposal, calling cuts to domestic programs “a bit harsh.” “Listen, we’re all for seeing Americans suffering, but this budget goes a little overboard,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “Even we wouldn’t have thought of cutting Meals on Wheels funding.” ISIS did express support for some of the cuts, including funding for the National Endowment for the Arts. “What’s the point in paying millions of...

Trump Accuses Netanyahu of Spying on his Twitter Account

Trump Accuses Netanyahu of Spying on his Twitter Account

Just days after accusing the British government of tapping his phone on behalf of the Obama administration, President Trump now says Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has been reading the President’s tweet’s without his permission. “The things I post to Twitter are some of my most personal thoughts, and the idea that other people may be spying on me by reading them is really very disturbing,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “I don’t know if Bibi [Netanyahu] is doing it...

Israel to Give Palestinians Voting Rights, Establish ‘Electoral College’

Israel to Give Palestinians Voting Rights, Establish ‘Electoral College’

Saying they had finally found a way to resolve the Palestinian conflict while keeping Israel both a Jewish and democratic state, Israeli officials announced that Gaza and the West Bank will be annexed and given full voting rights under a system called the “electoral college.” Under this system, Israel will be divided into 50 regions, all of which will have varying numbers of electors, depending on the population. The Gaza Strip, the most densely populated region, would have 10 electors,...

Trump Promises to Send Syrian Refugees ‘Back to Mexico’

Trump Promises to Send Syrian Refugees ‘Back to Mexico’

With U.S. political leaders debating whether to accept thousands of Syrian refugees, President Donald Trump unveiled a new proposal to “send those Arabs back to Mexico where they belong.” While details were vague, Trump’s proposal called for all four million Syrian refugees to be sent “back” to Mexico immediately and for a giant wall to be built along Syria’s borders to stop any more refugees from leaving the country. “Syria isn’t sending its brightest. They’re sending jihadists, they’re sending rapists,...

Trump Vows to Shutdown Epcot’s Morocco Pavilion

Trump Vows to Shutdown Epcot’s Morocco Pavilion

THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH, FLORIDA — Calling it a breeding ground for terrorism and a threat to national security, US President Donald Trump said shutting down the Morocco Pavilion in Disney World’s Epcot theme park is his next priority. “Why did President Obama let a country full of Muslim jihadis occupy American soil in Orlando?” Trump wrote in an early morning tweet. “This is why America is LOSING! SAD!” Trump, who once promised to ban all Muslims from travelling to the U.S., said he...

Middle Eastern Leaders Relieved to Learn of America’s ‘Deep State’

Middle Eastern Leaders Relieved to Learn of America’s ‘Deep State’

Saying that they are “thankful to Allah that that orange-skinned lunatic isn’t actually in charge,” rulers from across the Middle East are relieved to learn of a powerful “deep state” secretly running the US. “I must admit, for a while I was quite concerned about these American ‘elections,’ as they call them,” Egyptian President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi told The Mideast Beast. “It’s quite comforting to know that in America the elected government is virtually powerless and that a web of...

Crisis Hits Turkey as Erdogan Runs Out of People to Call a ‘Nazi’

Crisis Hits Turkey as Erdogan Runs Out of People to Call a ‘Nazi’

Turkish leadership entered uncharted territory this weekend, as President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has finally run out of people to call a Nazi. While some Turkish officials had expressed concerns after Erdogan called the leaders of Germany and the Netherlands Nazis within a week, the crisis caught the government off-guard. The final accusation came Saturday, as Erdogan labeled a kebab vendor a “Nazi remnant” for allegedly skimping on the president’s yogurt sauce. Aides to the Turkish leader quickly realized that their...

Hamas Rocket Attack Fails, as Gazan Civilians Unharmed

Hamas Rocket Attack Fails, as Gazan Civilians Unharmed

Rockets fired from the Gaza Strip were deemed a failure by the militant group Hamas, as no Palestinian civilian injuries were reported. Hamas officials expressed disappointment that the missiles launched by the group, which landed in southern Israel, failed to strike any Palestinian schools or UN camps or draw an Israeli response that could be condemned by the international media. “We were sure at least one of the rockets would fall short of Israel and land in an apartment building, or...

‘ISISCare’ Fails to Win Support in Syria

‘ISISCare’ Fails to Win Support in Syria

A health care plan proposed by ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has failed to win support among the Syrian people, putting in jeopardy his promise to repeal and replace ‘Assadcare.’ The long-awaited proposal, officially called the ‘Sharia Protection and Islamic Care Act’ but commonly referred to as ISISCare, is just two sentences long. “If any citizen is to become sick and require medical treatment, then it is the will of Allah for them to die,” the legislation states. “They are...

Taliban on A Day Without a Woman: ‘We’re Way Ahead of You’

Taliban on A Day Without a Woman: ‘We’re Way Ahead of You’

The ‘A Day Without a Woman’ movement gained an unlikely supporter this week, as the Taliban praised the initiative to keep women from going to work in support for gender equality. “While women in the US are finally skipping work in order to protest the patriarchy, we have been vigilantly enforcing the ‘Day Without a Woman’ cause every day for more than 20 years,” a Taliban spokesman said. “In fact, we take the ‘Day Without a Woman’ initiative so seriously...

Turkish President Erdogan Asks Trump for Tips on Destroying Democracy

Turkish President Erdogan Asks Trump for Tips on Destroying Democracy

Saying that he was a bit embarrassed that it has taken him nearly 14 years to undermine the democratic institutions in his own country, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan admitted he is overwhelmed with jealousy over how quickly US President Donald Trump has steamrolled democracy in his own country. “I thought I was so brilliant, slowly purging the courts and military over the course of a decade before cracking down on critical press and then, finally, changing the constitution to...

ISIS Leader: ‘Nobody Knew Reestablishing the Caliphate Could Be So Complicated’

ISIS Leader: ‘Nobody Knew Reestablishing the Caliphate Could Be So Complicated’

After years of promising to unite the Muslim world in an Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi admitted this week that he had no idea how difficult establishing and maintaining a utopian civilization based on the model of Muhammed and his rightly-guided successors would be. “Now, I have to tell you, running a state based on the guidance of a 1,500-year-old text is really, really tough,” al-Baghdadi said. “It’s an unbelievably complex subject,” he added....

Palestinians Call for One-State Solution to US-Mexico Dispute

Palestinians Call for One-State Solution to US-Mexico Dispute

In a rejection of more than two decades of Palestinian foreign policy, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas said it might be time for the US and Mexico to give up on their attempt at a two-state solution. “Listen, we’ve tried having separate states on each side of the Rio Grande, and we ended up with one side sending all its rapists over, and the other side trying to build a wall,” Abbas said during a joint press conference with Mexican President...

ISIS Invites Milo Yiannopoulos to Host Quran Reading

ISIS Invites Milo Yiannopoulos to Host Quran Reading

In a decision sure to cause devastation across the US, the Islamic terrorist group ISIS announced that it has invited controversial former Breitbart senior editor Milo Yiannopoulos as a guest host for its annual Quran reading next month. “While we do not agree with all of Mr. Yiannopoulos’s views – hell, the only thing we agree with him on is pedophilia – we have invited him to highlight the importance of free speech,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi noted. “Ah,...

Trump to Build ‘Third Temple Trump Hotel’ on Site of Temple Mount

Trump to Build ‘Third Temple Trump Hotel’ on Site of Temple Mount

Calling it a perfect solution to longstanding tension over the Temple Mount in Jerusalem, President Trump has proposed a plan to raze the entire site and replace it with the ‘Third Temple Trump Hotel and Mosque.’ Trump unveiled his plans days after meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. After considering how to accommodate Jewish access to the site of the First and Second Temples and Muslim access to the Al Aqsa Mosque, Trump said he believed the best solution...

Saudi Government Torn Over Whether to Let Caitlyn Jenner Drive

Saudi Government Torn Over Whether to Let Caitlyn Jenner Drive

Saudi officials have held a series of emergency meetings over the past month, as the government has struggled over whether former Olympian and reality TV star Caitlyn Jenner, who was born a man but last month revealed that she identified as a woman, would be allowed to drive or appear unveiled in public if she ever visits the Kingdom. “Allah decides who is a man and who is a woman, and Bruce Jenner cannot change the will of Allah, so...

Saudi ISIS Members Blast Judge’s Rejection of Muslim Ban

Saudi ISIS Members Blast Judge’s Rejection of Muslim Ban

Saying they should not be forced to sit next to Libyans and Yemenis while flying to the US to carry out terror attacks, ISIS members from Saudi Arabia and other countries not included in President Trump’s travel ban, have lashed out against a court ruling striking down the restrictions. “The travel ban was a sensible measure to ensure that terrorists like myself do not have to compete with smelly Libyans or Iranian infidels for cheap air tickets while traveling to...