Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Following Brexit, UK Considers Joining Middle East

Following Brexit, UK Considers Joining Middle East

With Britain looking for a new home after narrowly voting to leave the EU, the Brits are reportedly considering joining the Middle East. “Things didn’t work out with Europe, but it’s time we get back out there on the market,” former London mayor and leading Brexiter Boris Johnson told The Mideast Beast. “The Middle East has some great things to offer; it’s got warm weather, historical sites, people with real tans, and a little bit of a dangerous side, which frankly...

Western World Shocked by Islamist Belief that Radiohead is Still Relevant

Western World Shocked by Islamist Belief that Radiohead is Still Relevant

After radical Islamists attacked a Radiohead listening party in Istanbul last Friday, the Western world has begun to awaken to the shocking fact that many Islamists still care about Radiohead. “Until Friday’s attack, I was under the impression that radical Islam could be controlled,” President Obama admitted in a press conference following Friday’s attack by Islamists in Turkey’s largest city. “It’s now clear, however, that these people are completely detached from civilization and modernity.” RELATED: ISIS Plays Snippet of New Nickelback...

TSA Prohibition on Liquids Foils al Qaeda Plot to Brush Teeth During Flights

TSA Prohibition on Liquids Foils al Qaeda Plot to Brush Teeth During Flights

The TSA’s strict prohibitions against bringing liquids and creams over 3.4 ounces onto U.S. flights has paid off, as a plot by al Qaeda agents to excessively brush their teeth in the airplane lavatory during domestic flights has been foiled. “In light of the statement in the TSA Guidelines that liquids, aerosols, gels, creams and pastes over 3.4 ounces will not be allowed in carry-on bags, we have regretfully decided to cancel Operation Fresh Breath,” al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri...

Qataris Outraged After Rape Victim Gets Only a Six-Month Prison Sentence

Qataris Outraged After Rape Victim Gets Only a Six-Month Prison Sentence

Residents throughout Qatar are demanding the resignation of a federal judge after a rape victim was given only a six-month prison sentence. “It’s unconscionable that while an innocent rapist will have to live with the traumas he caused himself for the rest of his life, his victim will be free in less than a year,” a petition, which demanded the judge be recalled for handing down such a lenient sentence, stated. “This sends the disturbing message that rape victims will...

Middle East Dictators to Accept Democracy After Learning About ‘Super-Delegates’

Middle East Dictators to Accept Democracy After Learning About ‘Super-Delegates’

Middle Eastern rulers from Egypt to Iran are reportedly willing to give democracy a second look after learning about the “Superdelegates” used to choose nominees in the U.S. presidential elections. “Whenever I heard someone talk about ‘voting’ or ‘democracy,’ I assumed it was just a bunch of normal people going into a booth and choosing who they want to be president, and then that person is put in charge,” explained Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir. “But apparently, in America, the president...

ISIS Leaders Flee Syria After Barrage of Tweets by Trump

ISIS Leaders Flee Syria After Barrage of Tweets by Trump

A series of angry tweets by Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has sent ISIS fighters running for the hills, as tweets promising to be “tough” against ISIS and to use the words “radical Islamic terrorism” have the terrorist group in a panic. “Sheikh Donald has promised toughness and vigilance and said that the infidels must be smart,” one terrified ISIS fighter remarked as he stared into his iPhone. “It seems the Americans have figured out how to defeat us.” For...

Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria

Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria

Saying he could no longer stand by while a humanitarian crisis unfolded a mere 6,000 miles away, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has opened his doors to millions of Americans fleeing out-of-control gun violence in their country. “While our nation has its own struggles and absorbing tens of millions of Americans will not be an easy task, we cannot turn our backs on such a tragedy,” Assad said after reading about the 2015 Tyrone shooting, then the Charleston church shooting that...

Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 55 Virgins in Paradise

Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 55 Virgins in Paradise

Calling it a shocking example of what she referred to as the “Virgin Gap,” a female suicide bomber who recently blew up a school bus was stunned to learn that she would only receive 76 percent of the virgins that male terrorists are entitled to upon entering paradise. “I blew up that school bus just as well as any heroic male martyr would have, but instead of the 72 virgins the Quran promises us, I only got 55,” said Hayat...

Israel to Place Gorillas Near Gaza; Hopes Int’l Community Will Care About Rocket Attacks

Israel to Place Gorillas Near Gaza; Hopes Int’l Community Will Care About Rocket Attacks

Looking to raise awareness and concern over the flood of rockets launched from the Gaza Strip for the past decade, Israel has decided to place gorillas throughout the communities and neighboring towns surrounding Gaza. “For years we’ve highlighted the deaths of innocent men, women, and children from these rockets, but people throughout Europe and on college campuses in the U.S. continued to support Hamas,” a spokesman for the Israeli government told The Mideast Beast. “After seeing the outpouring of anger...

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Unbeknownst to many, hundreds of straight men and women were executed in Tel Aviv during last summer’s annual Gay Pride Week. One of the most persecuted groups in the Middle East, Tel Aviv heterosexuals live in the shadows year round, as heterosexual relations are banned under the city’s strict “Cher-ia Law.” But during Gay Pride Week, being openly straight in the city is a near death sentence, as heterosexuals are thrown from rooftops, stoned to death or forced to watch season two...

Terrorism Ended, As Drone Strike in Yemen Kills Last Remaining Jihadi

Terrorism Ended, As Drone Strike in Yemen Kills Last Remaining Jihadi

The U.S. delivered a knockout blow in its decade-and-a-half “War on Terror”, killing Mahmoud al-Hassami, the last remaining terrorist in the world, in a drone strike in Yemen’s Abyan province. “While it’s been an arduous process, we knew all along that there were a finite number of terrorists out there and it was just a matter of time before we killed the last of them,” U.S. Secretary of Defense Ash Carter told The Mideast Beast. “We’re finally bearing the fruit...

Iran Begins Importing Floppy Disks, Raising Concerns over Nuclear Breakout

Iran Begins Importing Floppy Disks, Raising Concerns over Nuclear Breakout

In a move that has alarmed U.S. officials and raised concerns over a potential nuclear breakout, the Islamic Republic Iran has begun importing large quantities of 1970s-era floppy disks. “There is only one possible use for these items, and that is to store information essential to controlling a nuclear arsenal,” U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry said in a news conference. “It pains me to say it, but this move makes me question Iran’s intentions regarding its nuclear program.” Iran’s...

Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers

Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers

Noting the increasing prevalence of stone throwing, particularly among youths, in the Palestinian territories and in Israeli West Bank settlements, several Major League Baseball clubs have sent their scouts to the region to look for pitching talent. “For years we’ve been hearing stories about how both Arab and Jewish children grow up hurling rocks at cars, tanks, soldiers and American diplomats,” a scout for the Arizona Diamondbacks told The Mideast Beast. “If they can throw a stone, how hard can...

Sanders Voters Torn Between Voting for Hillary or Joining ISIS

Sanders Voters Torn Between Voting for Hillary or Joining ISIS

As Hillary Clinton looks all but guaranteed to defeat Senator Bernie Sanders for the Democratic presidential nomination, Sanders supporters are reportedly torn over whether to support the former Secretary of State or flee the country and join ISIS, calling both options equally awful. “On the one hand, leaving my family and traveling to Syria to live in the desert and behead innocent people seems really unappealing,” said one Sanders supporter. “But voting for Hillary? Now that’s just fucking torture.” Clinton...

ISIS Leader Suspended from Jihad After Testing Positive for Steroids

ISIS Leader Suspended from Jihad After Testing Positive for Steroids

The Islamic State was dealt a setback Thursday, as ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was suspended indefinitely after testing positive for jihad-enhancing drugs. The failed test not only puts the Islamic State’s future in jeopardy but has called into question the legitimacy of previous accomplishments, which for years have been tainted by rumors of steroid use. “During a random drug test last week, Mr. Baghdadi tested positive for the performance-enhancing drug Jihadozol, a steroid that has negative health effects and...

Israel Demolishes CNN Offices, Cites Biased Reporting

Israel Demolishes CNN Offices, Cites Biased Reporting

In a ‘defense’ move that the Foreign Press Association blasted as collective punishment and a violation of press freedom, the Israeli government, now under the direction of its new Defense Minister, the hardline and slightly chubby Avigdor Lieberman, finally ordered the demolition of several CNN offices Wednesday after the network provided “inaccurate and biased coverage” of a November 2014 terror attack in a Jerusalem synagogue. IDF D9 Bulldozers razed CNN’s regional offices in Jerusalem and Tel Aviv following the report, as journalists...

In Honor of Sykes-Picot Centennial, France and Britain Redraw America’s Borders

In Honor of Sykes-Picot Centennial, France and Britain Redraw America’s Borders

With 2016 marking the 100-year anniversary of the Sykes-Picot Agreement, which created the borders that make up much of the modern Middle East, the French and British governments announced that they have once again proven their mapmaking abilities by re-divvying the North American continent. “In 1916, we and our French allies joined forces to create modern borders in the Middle East that, though not perfect, stood for 100 years after the collapse of the Ottoman Empire,” British Prime Minister David...

ISIS Unleashes ‘War of Micro-Aggressions’ against the US

ISIS Unleashes ‘War of Micro-Aggressions’ against the US

Calling it the final phase in their mission to destroy America and turn the whole world into an Islamic caliphate, the terrorist group ISIS launched a new “war of micro-aggressions” against the US this week. “Until the American crusaders withdraw from our countries and accept Sharia Law, our warriors will appropriate their culture, subtly patronize their heritage, perpetuate harmful stereotypes and show little to no sensitivity towards Americans’ minority status in the global community,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told...

Eminem to Convert to Judaism, Live in Tel Aviv?

Eminem to Convert to Judaism, Live in Tel Aviv?

Following a recent low profile trip to Israel, and following in the footsteps of other celebrities, sources close to rapper Marshall Mathers, better known by his stage name “Eminem,” say he may be planning to convert to Judaism. “I really thought I was being original with the whole white anger thing, and constantly complaining about my mother and then feeling guilty about it,” a frustrated Mathers told The Mideast Beast. “But after visiting Israel I discovered these people are masters at...

Inspired by Zimmerman, Assad to Auction Off Shells Used to Gas Civilians

Inspired by Zimmerman, Assad to Auction Off Shells Used to Gas Civilians

Citing Florida neighborhood watch coordinator George Zimmerman as his inspiration, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has decided to auction off the shells used to gas to death thousands of Syrian civilians. On websites advertising the shells, Assad described the artillery as “a piece of Syrian history.” “I am honored and humbled to announce the sale of a Syrian military icon,” Assad’s post states. “The artillery for sale was used to defend my life from a brutal attack by Syrian children and...