Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Obama to Finally Intervene in Syria After Assad Signs Controversial ‘Bathroom Law’

Obama to Finally Intervene in Syria After Assad Signs Controversial ‘Bathroom Law’

WASHINGTON D.C. — With just days left in office, President Obama has reversed course on one of his major policies, deciding to intervene decisively against President Bashar al Assad after the Syrian leader passed a controversial “bathroom bill.” The law, vehemently opposed by Democrats and the Obama administration, would require Syrians to use the bathroom based on the gender listed on their birth certificate. While the US had refrained from military action even as Assad’s government killed hundreds of thousands...

ISIS Leader Claims Trump Groped Him

ISIS Leader Claims Trump Groped Him

MANHATTAN — Saying he had stayed silent for years out of shame, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi accused Donald Trump of groping him and making unwanted sexual advances more than a decade ago. “I was alone with Mr. Trump at a rally against the Iraq war in 2003 when he just grabbed me,” said a tearful al-Baghdadi. “I always blamed myself.” Trump immediately denied al-Baghdadi’s claim. “Just look at him,” Trump noted. “I mean, his beard is awful. He’s balding. He’s...

Syrian President: “Donald Trump’s Obsession with Putin ‘a Bit Much'”

Syrian President: “Donald Trump’s Obsession with Putin ‘a Bit Much'”

Saying the President-elect has gone overboard in his fawning praise of the Russian dictator, Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad urged Donald Trump to tone down his constant professions of devotion to Vladimir Putin. “Listen, I love Vladimir too,” noted Assad, who has remained in power due largely to Russian military assistance. “Hell, if not for Putin, I’d probably be dead by now. I’d either have a knife stuck up my ass like Qaddafi, be locked in one of those ISIS cages,...

Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers

Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers

Noting the increasing prevalence of stone throwing, particularly among youths, in the Palestinian territories and in Israeli West Bank settlements, several Major League Baseball clubs have sent their scouts to the region to look for pitching talent. “For years we’ve been hearing stories about how both Arab and Jewish children grow up hurling rocks at cars, tanks, soldiers and American diplomats,” a scout for the Arizona Diamondbacks told The Mideast Beast. “If they can throw a stone, how hard can...

ISIS Clarifies: ‘We Had Nothing to Do with Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Eve Performance’

ISIS Clarifies: ‘We Had Nothing to Do with Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Eve Performance’

Calling it a disaster for which the West has only itself to blame, ISIS issued a statement Sunday morning stating that it bore no responsibility for singer Mariah Carey’s disastrous performance on ABC’s New Year’s Eve event at Times Square. “In the wake of the infidel Mariah Carey’s nakba [catastrophe] last night, we have heard people speculate that we may have hacked into the speaker system to embarrass the American Crusaders, or secretly drugged Mrs. Carey, or some shit like that,”...

Russia Retaliates for US Sanctions by Building Settlements in West Bank

Russia Retaliates for US Sanctions by Building Settlements in West Bank

In a response that has dismayed the Obama Administration, Russia has retaliated against the latest round of U.S. sanctions by beginning construction of settlements in the West Bank and East Jerusalem. “No one can stop us from building homes for Russians in Judea and Samaria,” Russian President Vladimir Putin told The Mideast Beast, referring to the biblical names for the West Bank. “This is our holy land, too.” Putin’s move comes after Obama designated 35 Russians in the U.S. “persona non-grata” and...

Netanyahu Cuts off Ties with Tel Aviv over Settlement Disapproval

Netanyahu Cuts off Ties with Tel Aviv over Settlement Disapproval

JERUSALEM — In his latest response to the UN Security Council’s resolution condemning his county’s settlement activity, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has broken off all diplomatic relations with the city of Tel Aviv. “No one will tell us where Jews can or cannot build homes – not Obama, not the UN, and certainly not those smug Tel Aviv liberals,” Netanyahu said in a statement announcing his latest move. “If these Israelis consider themselves real Jews, they should move to...

Carter Insists ISIS “Legitimate Political Actor”

Carter Insists ISIS “Legitimate Political Actor”

With Western governments weighing their response to the meteoric rise of ISIS, former US President Jimmy Carter insisted the self-proclaimed Caliphate be recognized as a “legitimate political actor” and treated as a partner for negotiations. “Now I might not agree with everything they do, but I think we should acknowledge that they took all that territory fair and square,” commented the former US President. “No sense in us being all sore about it – the only way to get them to...

ISIS Regrets Not Keeping More Civilians Alive for Use as Human Shields

ISIS Regrets Not Keeping More Civilians Alive for Use as Human Shields

Admitting it had been a bit shortsighted to immediately behead its population upon acquiring territory, ISIS leaders lamented that they were on the verge of running out of human shields to protect them from an Iraqi and Western push into Mosul. “When we seized Mosul, we were just so excited, we figured beheading one or two people couldn’t hurt,” recalled one ISIS commander. “The next thing we knew, we were practically out of people.” Upon learning of the upcoming Iraqi...

ISIS Captures Santa, Demands ‘Sharia Christmas’

ISIS Captures Santa, Demands ‘Sharia Christmas’

Santa Claus is being held by ISIS fighters in Raqqa, as the Islamic State is demanding an ‘Islamic Christmas’ be adopted by Saint Nick. “For too long, this red-suited infidel has passed over the houses of countless Muslim children to deliver gifts to these non-believers,” said one ISIS fighter in a video delivered to Al Jazeera’s North Pole correspondent. “Every year of my childhood, I left out a class of goat’s milk and a serving of baklava hoping he would,...

Philippine President Named as Honorary Middle Eastern Dictator

Philippine President Named as Honorary Middle Eastern Dictator

Calling him a “role model for leaders throughout the Middle East,” the Arab League voted unanimously to award Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte an honorary position as a Middle Eastern dictator. “From his commitment to extrajudicial killings and disregard for human rights to his honorable homophobia, Mr. Duterte upholds the values of the Arab world’s leadership as well as any of us,” the Arab League said in a statement. “Just as Martin Luther King inspired American children with his dream, Rodrigo...

Putin Appoints Trump as New Ambassador to Turkey

Putin Appoints Trump as New Ambassador to Turkey

ANKARA — Donald Trump will soon hold a new position in Russian President Vladimir Putin’s administration, as Putin announced that he has re-appointed the U.S. president-elect to replace slain Ambassador to Turkey, Andrey Karlov. “Donald has done [a] very good job as my President of America, but now we need him elsewhere,” Putin told The Mideast Beast. “I know that he will make Turkey great again.” Putin’s reassignment of Trump, who was set to take office a month from Tuesday, reflects...

Trump Appoints Gary Johnson Ambassador to Syria

Trump Appoints Gary Johnson Ambassador to Syria

Calling the former New Mexico governor and Libertarian presidential candidate “one of the smartest, most knowledgeable people in my cabinet,” President-elect Donald Trump announced that he would appoint Gary Johnson as his administration’s next Ambassador to Syria. “Nobody knows more about Syria than Gary Johnson, believe me,” Trump said in a news conference on the appointment. “When I Googled ‘Gary Johnson’ and ‘Syria,’ I got literally thousands of results. He’s going to be tremendous over there.” While Trump’s campaign focused...

“Israeli-Palestinian Peace Unlikely During My Term in Power”, God Admits

“Israeli-Palestinian Peace Unlikely During My Term in Power”, God Admits

HEAVEN — Echoing statements made by U.S. President Barack Obama, God acknowledged Saturday that a negotiated settlement to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict “is not in the cards” during his remaining time in power. “While God believes steps can be taken to minimize violence and perhaps set the table for future negotiations, He has determined that a final status agreement is beyond reach for the foreseeable future,” one of God’s senior advisors told The Mideast Beast. “At this point, God’s goal is simply...

Anti-Gay Kentucky Clerk Finds Ample Job Opportunities in Middle East

Anti-Gay Kentucky Clerk Finds Ample Job Opportunities in Middle East

Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis, who came under fire for refusing to issue marriage certificates to same-sex couples, revealed yesterday that a number of Middle Eastern countries are interested in her services. “After facing so much hate and discrimination from my fellow Americans, it’s a relief to see that there’s one part of the world where my God-given hatred of homosexuality is appreciated,” Davis told The Mideast Beast. “The tolerance these countries have shown towards a persecuted minority like myself is...

Syrians Outraged Over Russia’s Meddling in US Elections

Syrians Outraged Over Russia’s Meddling in US Elections

Saying that they just couldn’t believe that Russia would meddle in another country’s affairs, Syrian residents are shocked and outraged over reports from U.S. intelligence agencies concluding that Russia interfered in the American elections on behalf of President-Elect Donald Trump. “I just cannot imagine that [Russian President Vladimir] Putin would have anything but total respect for a country’s domestic political process,” one Aleppo resident told The Mideast Beast. “It must be very difficult for Americans to accept that their president...

Trump Furious After Golden Statue of Netanyahu Appears in Tel Aviv

Trump Furious After Golden Statue of Netanyahu Appears in Tel Aviv

President-elect Donald Trump’s elation over his unexpected election last month disappeared this week, after a golden statue of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu appeared in Tel Aviv. Trump is furious that no similar likeness of him has appeared, and the president-elect has fired his entire transition team over this failure. Trump initially reacted to the statue’s appearance with equanimity, tweeting, “Congrats2 @netanyahu on Gold Statue! A gr8 leeter(sic) &friend! Well deserved!” But his tone changed minutes later, as he followed...

God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount

God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount

With tensions between Israelis and Palestinians on Jerusalem’s Temple Mount reaching a boiling point over the past year, God once again urged both Jews and Muslims to resist pressure to compromise and said both religious groups should “fight to the last drop of blood” to protect the sanctity of the site. “This was the site of the first and second temples, and now Jews can’t even pray there without being arrested? And you tolerate this? I’m not sure why I...

ISIS Unveils Plot to Build Pipeline Through North Dakota

ISIS Unveils Plot to Build Pipeline Through North Dakota

Claiming that it has finally discovered a way to get the American Left to take the terror group seriously, ISIS announced yesterday that it had sent operatives into the United States in a plot to build an oil pipeline through sacred Native American lands in North Dakota. “Unless the American infidels leave the Middle East, recognize our Caliphate, and accept Islam, we will strike at their hearts by building a leaky oil pipeline through their indigenous people’s holy lands,” ISIS Caliph...

ISIS Leader Shocked After Trump Takes Congratulatory Phone Call

ISIS Leader Shocked After Trump Takes Congratulatory Phone Call

President-elect Donald Trump has once again shaken up the global order, as the soon-to-be 45th President of the United States spoke by phone to ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “When I called Trump Tower, I had no idea he’d pick up,” al-Baghdadi admitted in an interview with The Mideast Beast. “Me and some of my fellow mujahedeen had taken a break from the jihad to make some prank phone calls. I was going to pretend to be Scott Baio.” Al-Baghdadi, however, identified...