Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Erdogan Admits He Made Up Coup Story After Vandalizing Gas Station While Intoxicated

Erdogan Admits He Made Up Coup Story After Vandalizing Gas Station While Intoxicated

Saying he was “110 percent sorry,” Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan admitted Thursday that he had fabricated his story about an alleged coup against his government after he drunkenly vandalized a gas station. After a July 15 incident, Erdogan claimed that he and his government had been the victim of an attempted coup d’état, with the president narrowly avoiding an attempt by the perpetrators to harm or imprison him. The story soon unraveled, however, as it became apparent that the...

French Burkini Ban Foils ISIS Plot to Bomb the Mediterranean Sea

French Burkini Ban Foils ISIS Plot to Bomb the Mediterranean Sea

NICE — The Islamic State terrorist group was dealt a devastating blow last week, as a French ban on the burkini, put a stop to an ISIS plot to detonate an explosive vest in the Mediterranean Sea. “In what would have been our greatest strike ever against the infidel Crusaders, a young martyr was set to hide an explosive vest underneath her burkini while at the beach, swim into the sea, and detonate the device, causing countless deaths and establishing...

Saudi Government Torn Over Whether to Let Caitlyn Jenner Drive

Saudi Government Torn Over Whether to Let Caitlyn Jenner Drive

Saudi officials have held a series of emergency meetings over the past month, as the government has struggled over whether former Olympian and reality TV star Caitlyn Jenner, who was born a man but last month revealed that she identified as a woman, would be allowed to drive or appear unveiled in public if she ever visits the Kingdom. “Allah decides who is a man and who is a woman, and Bruce Jenner cannot change the will of Allah, so...

Obama Demands 1996 Mel Gibson Film ‘Ransom’ Change Name to ‘Leverage’

Obama Demands 1996 Mel Gibson Film ‘Ransom’ Change Name to ‘Leverage’

Saying that the title of the film did not reflect an accurate description of the money Mel Gibson’s character paid kidnappers for the return of his son, President Obama has demanded that the name of the 1996 action thriller “Ransom” be changed to “Leverage.” “Tom Mullen [the character played by Gibson] was not paying the $2 million to the kidnappers as ransom, as the film’s title suggests, but was simply taking advantage of the leverage offered by having millions of...

Obama to Erdogan: We’ll Turn Over Gulen if You Take Trump Too

Obama to Erdogan: We’ll Turn Over Gulen if You Take Trump Too

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan faces a gut-wrenching decision, as President Obama has offered to extradite Islamic cleric Fethullah Gulan only if Turkey agrees to also take Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. Erdogan has demanded the U.S. turn over Gulen, the founder of an Islamic social movement living in self-imposed exile in Pennsylvania, claiming Gulen was behind a failed coup attempt last month. Obama, however, responded that “if you Turks want to get back your old white guy with a...

Philippine President Named as Honorary Middle Eastern Dictator

Philippine President Named as Honorary Middle Eastern Dictator

Calling him a “role model for leaders throughout the Middle East,” the Arab League voted unanimously to award Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte an honorary position as a Middle Eastern dictator. “From his commitment to extrajudicial killings and disregard for human rights to his honorable homophobia, Mr. Duterte upholds the values of the Arab world’s leadership as well as any of us,” the Arab League said in a statement. “Just as Martin Luther King inspired American children with his dream, Rodrigo...

Amar’e Stoudemire Distraught to Learn Non-Jews Play in Israeli Basketball League

Amar’e Stoudemire Distraught to Learn Non-Jews Play in Israeli Basketball League

JERUSALEM — A week after signing with Hapoel Jerusalem of the Israeli Premier League, former NBA star Amar’e Stoudemire was reportedly devastated to learn that he would still have to compete against non-Jews from around the world who, like him, came to Israel to play basketball. “When my agent told me I had an offer from a team in Israel, I thought I’d be competing against 5-foot-8 Jews with glasses and asthma,” a frustrated Amare Stoudemire told The Mideast Beast....

Toughening Stance on Iran, Obama to Charge ATM Fee for Transferred Millions

Toughening Stance on Iran, Obama to Charge ATM Fee for Transferred Millions

WASHINGTON D.C. — In a move aimed at silencing critics over his $400 million cash transfer to Iran in what many considered a ransom payment for four imprisoned Americans, President Obama announced Friday that he would insist Iran pay hefty ATM fees for the monetary transfer. “Now, I’m not talking about the fee you pay when you go to the ATM of a major bank,” Obama said during a press conference. “I’m talking about the fee you pay when you...

Tunisia Booted from Middle East Following Successful Transition to Democracy

Tunisia Booted from Middle East Following Successful Transition to Democracy

TUNIS — With fellow Middle Eastern leaders calling the North African country an “embarrassment to the region’s proud authoritarian tradition,” the League of Arab Nations has voted to officially boot the Republic of Tunisia from the Middle East following the country’s successful transition to democracy. “We are saddened and frustrated that our former friends in Tunisia have forced us to take this drastic measure,” Arab League Secretariat Ahmed Aboul Gheit said in a press release. “We hope that one day,...

ISIS Threatens U.S. with Game of Thrones Spoilers

ISIS Threatens U.S. with Game of Thrones Spoilers

In a terrifying new strategy aimed at escalating its war against the West, ISIS announced that it will inundate Americans with Game of Thrones spoilers next season unless the U.S. withdraws completely from the Middle East. “All the infidel drones and war planes in the world cannot change the fact that the Caliphate is seven hours ahead of the East Coast of the United States, meaning we will have plenty of time to watch the episodes and give away key...

Prophet Muhammad Disappointed to Find So Few Statues and Paintings of Himself

Prophet Muhammad Disappointed to Find So Few Statues and Paintings of Himself

The Prophet Muhammad admitted today that he was a bit disappointed to find that, 1,400 years after creating what he believed to be the perfect society in modern-day Saudi Arabia, the world seemingly has largely forgotten about him. “I realize a millennium and a half is a long time, but I expected to find at least an occasional painting or sculpture of myself,” Muhammad told The Mideast Beast. “I see paintings of the Prophet Isa [Jesus] all over the place, and...

Trump Promises to Amend Declaration of Independence to Address ‘Radical Islamic Terrorism’

Trump Promises to Amend Declaration of Independence to Address ‘Radical Islamic Terrorism’

Promising an amendment to the document if elected, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump blasted America’s founding fathers for being “too politically correct” to use the words “radical Islamic terrorism” in the Declaration of Independence. “Hey, I haven’t actually had time to read the Declaration of Independence, but believe me, I was shocked when my advisors told me that there wasn’t one mention of radical Islamists,” Trump said at a rally on Sunday. “My staffers gave me the cliff notes version – really boring, by the...

Muslim Ban Needed to Protect Me from Meanies Like Khizr Khan, Trump Says

Muslim Ban Needed to Protect Me from Meanies Like Khizr Khan, Trump Says

Saying he had been “deeply triggered” by Muslim American Khizr Khan’s critical speech at the Democratic National Convention, Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump reiterated his call for an immediate and complete ban on Muslims entering the country. “Listen, if we had put the Muslim ban in place a long time ago, we could have stopped Khizr Khan from ever giving his hurtful speech,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “These Muslims trying to enter the country, we have no idea why...

Looking to Solidify Superpower Status, China Set to Occupy Afghanistan

Looking to Solidify Superpower Status, China Set to Occupy Afghanistan

Declaring it a sacred tradition his country is proud to inherit, Chinese President Xi Jinping announced Friday his military is preparing for an invasion and decade-long occupation of Afghanistan. The announcement came after President Obama announced the official end of his country’s combat operations in the country during a ceremonial torch-passing ceremony approximately 18 months ago. “As a rising superpower, we accept with great honor our duty to conquer and rule the mountainous tribal nation, just as the British, the Soviet...

Conspiracy Books Led Bin Laden to Question His Own Involvement in 9/11

Conspiracy Books Led Bin Laden to Question His Own Involvement in 9/11

After reading several books touting conspiracy theories, former al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden spent his last days in his compound in Pakistan questioning not only the U.S. government’s version of 9/11 but his own role in the 2001 attacks, newly released documents show. Among the books bin Laden kept in his Abbottabad compound was David Ray Griffin’s “The New Pearl Harbor,” which claims that the Twin Towers were not brought down by planes and that 9/11 was a “False...

Turkey Begins Releasing Jailed ISIS Members to Make Room for Journalists

Turkey Begins Releasing Jailed ISIS Members to Make Room for Journalists

Turkish President Recep Tayyib Erdogan announced that his country will begin releasing hundreds of members of the terror group ISIS, saying there is no longer room in the prisons for both them and the influx of journalists being rounded up by security forces. “With increasing numbers of Turks tragically choosing to commit the crime of Journalism, we simply could not hold both these criminals and the misguided ISIS recruits,” Erdogan told The Mideast Beast. “They say ‘The pen is mightier...

Liberal Arab Activists Withdraw Their Calls for Democracy Following Trump Nomination

Liberal Arab Activists Withdraw Their Calls for Democracy Following Trump Nomination

CAIRO — As Donald Trump won enough delegates to become the Republican presidential nominee last week, liberal activists from across the Arab world have retracted their longstanding demand that their countries adopt democratic rule. “For years, I have been calling for democratic elections and for the will of the people to prevail,” Saudi blogger Raif Badawi told The Mideast Beast. “Now, with Mr. Trump winning among Western-educated Americans, I stand corrected. Clearly I deserve my floggings.” Trump’s electoral rise has vindicated decades of...

ISIS Leader Suspended from Jihad After Testing Positive for Steroids

ISIS Leader Suspended from Jihad After Testing Positive for Steroids

RAQQA — The Islamic State was dealt a setback last Thursday, as ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was suspended indefinitely after testing positive for jihad-enhancing drugs. The failed test not only puts the Islamic State’s future in jeopardy but has called into question the legitimacy of previous accomplishments, which for years have been tainted by rumors of steroid use. “During a random drug test last week, Mr. Baghdadi tested positive for the performance-enhancing drug Jihadozol, a steroid that has negative...

ISIS Renounces Islam Following Saudi Fatwa Banning ‘Pokemon Go’

ISIS Renounces Islam Following Saudi Fatwa Banning ‘Pokemon Go’

Admitting that he “may have been wrong about America,” ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has reportedly renounced Islam after top Saudi clerics issued a fatwa banning the playing of the hit iPhone game ‘Pokemon Go.’ “After three years of wandering around the desert in mind-numbing boredom looking for infidels to behead, Pokemon Go was a welcome relief for me and my army of mujahedeen, who loved tracking down Jigglypuffs and Pikachus when they couldn’t find any Christians or Shia to...

France Announces It Will Use Guillotine on Terrorists

France Announces It Will Use Guillotine on Terrorists

Following the terrorist attacks in Paris last November, which claimed 129 lives, the recent capture of suspect Salah Abdeslam, and the most recent attack in Nice killing over 80 people, French President François Hollande announced his intention of finding his inner-Robespierre and employing the guillotine to execute ISIS or ISIS-linked terrorists. “While we have not beheaded anyone in a really, really long time, the chance to see these jihadi shitheads getting their heads lopped off is just too good to pass up,”...