Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Trump: Before 1867, US Presidents Didn’t Bother to Call Soldiers’ Families

Trump: Before 1867, US Presidents Didn’t Bother to Call Soldiers’ Families

Defending his silence regarding the killings of four Green Berets in Niger, US President Donald Trump noted that before 1867, his predecessors did not even bother to call the families of fallen soldiers. “Okay, so I haven’t gotten around to calling the families of the fallen Green Berets, or the Navy SEAL killed in Yemen, but so what?” Trump said in a press conference. “The first 18 presidents never phoned a single grieving relative.” Trump initially claimed that President Obama...

UNESCO Responds to US Exit with 77 Anti-Israel Resolutions

UNESCO Responds to US Exit with 77 Anti-Israel Resolutions

A meeting held by UNESCO’s General Conference to address President Donald Trump’s decision to pull out of the agency ended with the conference passing nearly 80 resolutions condemning Israel and the Jewish people. “We really aren’t sure how it happened,” Director-General Irina Bokova admitted. “We opened up the debate to discuss the loss of US support, and the next thing I know we’ve passed 12 resolutions condemning the Jews for the Holocaust.” While UNESCO’s stated mission is to promote peace...

Trump to Airdrop Paper Towels on Syrian Rebels

Trump to Airdrop Paper Towels on Syrian Rebels

Stepping up US support for efforts to overthrow the Assad regime, the Trump administration announced that it has begun distributing paper towels to anti-government forces. The decision came after the president received praise for his response to Hurricane Maria’s devastation, showing up two weeks after the storm hit and dramatically throwing paper towels to people in hurricane relief centers. In a series of tweets on Sunday, Trump said he will look to replicate this success in other policy areas. “Everyone...

NRA’s Vision of America ‘A Bit Dark,’ Iran Says

NRA’s Vision of America ‘A Bit Dark,’ Iran Says

Taking the unusual step of defending its sworn enemy, the Islamic Republic of Iran has called a recent NRA advertisement “a bit dark” for its dystopic portrayal of the United States. “Listen, we eagerly await the destruction of the Great Satan as much as anybody, and we believe America is the cause of all the world’s evil,” Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, told The Mideast Beast. “But the NRA goes a bit overboard. I mean, things can’t be that...

Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria

Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria

Saying he could no longer stand by while a humanitarian crisis unfolded a mere 6,000 miles away, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has opened his doors to millions of Americans fleeing out-of-control gun violence in their country. “While our nation has its own struggles and absorbing tens of millions of Americans will not be an easy task, we cannot turn our backs on such a tragedy,” Assad said after reading about the 2015 Tyrone shooting, then the Charleston church shooting that...

Following Netanyahu’s Support for Kurds, Palestine Renames Itself ‘Kurdistan II’

Following Netanyahu’s Support for Kurds, Palestine Renames Itself ‘Kurdistan II’

Citing Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s support for “the legitimate efforts of the Kurdish people to achieve a state of their own,” Palestinian leaders say that they will again pursue statehood but instead call their country “Kurdistan II.” “After eight years of putting off serious discussions about the creation of a state, we were beginning to wonder whether Bibi believed in legitimate political rights altogether,” Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas told The Mideast Beast. “As it turns out, it was just...

‘Why Can’t I Be Rocket Man?’ Iranian Leader Laments

‘Why Can’t I Be Rocket Man?’ Iranian Leader Laments

Iran’s supreme leader is distraught over US President Donald Trump’s decision to dub North Korean strongman Kim Jong-un “Rocket Man,” saying he has long been gunning for that title. “I have spent the better part of two decades building an illegal nuclear weapons and missile program, just so I could have a badass nickname,” Ayatollah Ali Khamenei told The Mideast Beast. “And Trump bestows this honor on that fat Korean infidel? Those damn Americans give us no respect.” “I mean...

Kurds Cancel Referendum After Iraq Opens First Whole Foods

Kurds Cancel Referendum After Iraq Opens First Whole Foods

Iraq’s Kurdish population has decided to put its dreams of independence on hold, canceling a planned referendum after the organic grocer Whole Foods opened its first location in the country. “After learning that Iraq will soon be home to a growing number of Whole Foods Markets, we have withdrawn our bid for secession,” Kurdish President Masoud Barzani said in an official statement. “We look forward to remaining part of a unified Iraq.” The Kurds had seemed determined to push forward...

Kaepernick Begins Hunting Bald Eagles to Protest US Wars in Middle East

Kaepernick Begins Hunting Bald Eagles to Protest US Wars in Middle East

Former NFL quarterback and full-time activist Colin Kaepernick has taken another controversial stand, announcing that he now plans to give up football and devote himself to hunting bald eagles to protest US military action in the Middle East. “While America invaded Iraq and Afghanistan and killed billions of innocent African (sic) children, these stupid birds had no problem masquerading as symbols of American arrogance,” Kaepernick wrote on Facebook, captioning a picture of the former San Francisco 49er holding a dead...

ISIS Leader Not Sure How to Top Trump’s UN Speech

ISIS Leader Not Sure How to Top Trump’s UN Speech

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is reportedly scrambling to revise his speech to the United Nations, after US President Donald Trump raised the bar by threatening to annihilate North Korea. “I had all these hair-raising lines about how we would meet America with a force never seen before, show no mercy and bring death and destruction,” Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “But then Trump threatened to destroy an entire fucking country. I mean, that’s some dark shit. How am I...

ISIS Offers Anthony Weiner Asylum in Exchange for Contact Book

ISIS Offers Anthony Weiner Asylum in Exchange for Contact Book

Admitting that the group had nearly run out of underage girls for its fighters, the Islamic State has reached out to former US Congressman Anthony Weiner, offering the embattled politician asylum in the caliphate in exchange for his contact book. The offer comes as Weiner, once a leading candidate in New York City’s mayoral race, faces possible jail time after he allegedly exchanged sexually explicit messages with a 15-year-old girl through Twitter. “Anthony, join us in the land of the...

Jenny McCarthy Proposes Vaccinating ISIS Members in Hopes of Giving Them Autism

Jenny McCarthy Proposes Vaccinating ISIS Members in Hopes of Giving Them Autism

In a bold plan aimed at degrading the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, actress and activist Jenny McCarthy has proposed vaccinating ISIS members in hopes of giving the jihadi fighters autism. “While vaccines are too dangerous to give our children, there’s no better way to fight the Islamic State than to make sure all their fighters are vaccinated,” McCarthy told The Mideast Beast. “Sure, a handful of their fighters may be saved from measles or polio, but the thousands of...

‘If I Can’t Watch Incest Porn on 9/11, the Terrorists Have Won,’ Cruz Says

‘If I Can’t Watch Incest Porn on 9/11, the Terrorists Have Won,’ Cruz Says

Defending his decision to ‘like’ a pornographic post on Twitter Monday, US senator Ted Cruz insisted his action was proof that he would not let terrorism stop him from living his life. “Our nation’s founders risked their lives for our right to live in freedom, to establish our own government, and to stream video of a good-looking young man having a threesome with his girlfriend and her attractive middle-aged stepmom on our lunch break,” Cruz told The Mideast Beast. “If...

UC Berkeley Offers Assisted Suicide to Students Offended by Shapiro Talk

UC Berkeley Offers Assisted Suicide to Students Offended by Shapiro Talk

After learning that intensive counseling had failed to heal many of the deep emotional wounds caused by the event, the University of California at Berkeley is now offering assisted suicide to students threatened by conservative journalist Ben Shapiro’s scheduled talk. “No student should ever feel threatened, harassed, or the least bit uncomfortable by being exposed to controversial or offensive ideas,” the university wrote in a letter to students. “Since such offense may be unavoidable with a Zionist Nazi like Shapiro...

Al Qaeda Leader Blasts ISIS in New Memoir

Al Qaeda Leader Blasts ISIS in New Memoir

Saying that Islamic State caused “lasting damage” to the global jihadi movement, al Qaeda chief Ayman al-Zawahiri has unloaded on his ISIS counterparts in a new memoir. “Everything that we did, ISIS just kept trying to one-up us,” Zawahiri complains in the book. “We proposed declaring a caliphate once we unite the lands of Islam, and they said ‘Well, we’ll declare it immediately.’ We proposed killing all the Jews and Christians, and they said, ‘We’ll kill the Shiites too.’” ISIS’s...

Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement

Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement

Saying that the radical leftist group had emulated both its look and political views without authorization, al-Qaeda announced that it is filing a lawsuit against the American “antifa” organization. “Listen, we were doing the whole ‘dress in black, cover your face and run around screaming about hating America’ thing 20 years ago,” Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Qaeda’s leader, told The Mideast Beast. “Then out of nowhere, these antifa jackasses come out with the exact same routine and act like they invented it.”...

ISIS Leader to Become Boxer, Fight Mayweather

ISIS Leader to Become Boxer, Fight Mayweather

Inspired by UFC star Conor McGregor’s performance in Saturday’s bout, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced that he will take a break from jihad to try his luck in the boxing ring. “Fighting is fighting, whether you’re doing it in a ring with gloves or in Shia mosque with a suicide belt,” al-Baghdadi said in announcing his decision. “If McGregor can go from MMA to boxing, I can make the switch from jihad.” Al-Baghdadi insisted he simply wanted the chance...

Kaepernick Signs with Qatari National Football Team

Kaepernick Signs with Qatari National Football Team

Saying that only the Qataris understood what it was like to be isolated because of one’s political beliefs, former San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick has signed a one-year deal with the embattled Middle Eastern nation. The signing comes after Kaepernick, who made headlines for refusing to stand for the national anthem, has struggled to find an NFL team willing to sign him. But in Qatar, the embattled former Super Bowl quarterback was welcomed with open arms. “We believe this...

Trump’s Council of Evil Dictators Disbands After Assad Resigns

Trump’s Council of Evil Dictators Disbands After Assad Resigns

The Trump administration has suffered another setback, as the president was forced to dissolve his Council of Evil Dictators following the resignation of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. President Trump had launched the council in an effort to implement best practices in eroding American democracy and empowering the country’s worst people. But the council’s members began dropping out following Trump’s comments defending pro-Nazi marchers at a rally in Charlottesville, Virginia. “I am fully supportive of war crimes, oppression and mild genocide,...

‘Can We March in Charlottesville Too?’ ISIS Asks

‘Can We March in Charlottesville Too?’ ISIS Asks

Admitting that they were a bit bewildered by the recent Nazi/White Nationalist march in Charlottesville, Virginia, and by President Trump’s silence over the incident, ISIS leaders have cautiously approached the president to check if he would be cool with their terror group holding a similar rally. “I’ve spent all these years as an enemy of America trying to sneak into the country and pull off a secret attack,” one ISIS leader told The Mideast Beast. “But then I saw people...