Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

ISIS Unveils Plot to Build Pipeline Through North Dakota

ISIS Unveils Plot to Build Pipeline Through North Dakota

Claiming that it has finally discovered a way to get the American Left to take the terror group seriously, ISIS announced yesterday that it had sent operatives into the United States in a plot to build an oil pipeline through sacred Native American lands in North Dakota. “Unless the American infidels leave the Middle East, recognize our Caliphate, and accept Islam, we will strike at their hearts by building a leaky oil pipeline through their indigenous people’s holy lands,” ISIS Caliph...

ISIS Leader Shocked After Trump Takes Congratulatory Phone Call

ISIS Leader Shocked After Trump Takes Congratulatory Phone Call

President-elect Donald Trump has once again shaken up the global order, as the soon-to-be 45th President of the United States spoke by phone to ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “When I called Trump Tower, I had no idea he’d pick up,” al-Baghdadi admitted in an interview with The Mideast Beast. “Me and some of my fellow mujahedeen had taken a break from the jihad to make some prank phone calls. I was going to pretend to be Scott Baio.” Al-Baghdadi, however, identified...

Israel Approves Housing Settlement in Chicago’s South Side

Israel Approves Housing Settlement in Chicago’s South Side

In a move it insists is not aimed at antagonizing President Obama, nor the recent “massive spike in violence”, the Israeli government has approved 400 new settlement units in South Chicago. Those settlements will span Obama’s home and the neighborhoods in which the president once worked as a community organizer. Several public housing apartment buildings in Chicago’s Roseland and West Pullman neighborhoods will be razed to make room for the new Jewish homes, which will constitute the first Israeli settlement...

In Policy Win for Trump, Muslims Unanimously Accept Muslim Ban

In Policy Win for Trump, Muslims Unanimously Accept Muslim Ban

ABU DHABI — In what can be considered vindication for President-elect Donald Trump on one of his most controversial proposals, Muslims from across the Middle East and beyond have unanimously signed off Trump’s plan to ban Muslims from entering the country. “While there’s been much made of President Trump’s promise to ban Muslims and the impact it will have on our community, I would like to assure the American people that we’re all totally cool with it,” the head of...

Assad Seeks Position in Canadian PM’s Cabinet Following Castro Eulogy

Assad Seeks Position in Canadian PM’s Cabinet Following Castro Eulogy

Saying that he had “no idea that [Canadian Prime Minister Justin] Trudeau and I agreed on so many things,” Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has reportedly submitted his resumé  for a position in Trudeau’s administration following the prime minister’s glowing remarks about former Cuban President Fidel Castro. “I have always wanted to serve the Canadian government, but I feared that my hatred of democracy and free speech, and my fondness for summarily executing enemies real and imagined, would be held against...

Israel to Give Palestinians Voting Rights, Establish ‘Electoral College’

Israel to Give Palestinians Voting Rights, Establish ‘Electoral College’

Saying they had finally found a way to resolve the Palestinian conflict while keeping Israel both a Jewish and democratic state, Israeli officials announced that Gaza and the West Bank will be annexed and given full voting rights under a system called the “electoral college.” Under this system, Israel will be divided into 50 regions, all of which will have varying numbers of electors, depending on the population. The Gaza Strip, the most densely populated region, would have 10 electors,...

Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s determination to score a cheap, big flatscreen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida. Baghdadi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long line had already formed outside the store, while just a limited number of highly-discounted flatscreen televisions were for sale. Baghdadi tried to force his way to the front...

Assad Looking to Sell His ‘Hamilton’ Tickets

Assad Looking to Sell His ‘Hamilton’ Tickets

Saying he no longer wanted to attend the hit Broadway musical, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is reportedly looking to sell two orchestra tickets to ‘Hamilton.’ “After all the stress at work, I had been looking forward to a nice night with my wife at the theater,” Assad wrote on a StubHub posting listing the tickets at face value. “But apparently, the cast has taken up the habit of harassing people in the audience over issues that they’re having at work,...

ISIS Leader Claims Trump Groped Him

ISIS Leader Claims Trump Groped Him

MANHATTAN — Saying he had stayed silent for years out of shame, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi accused Donald Trump of groping him and making unwanted sexual advances more than a decade ago. “I was alone with Mr. Trump at a rally against the Iraq war in 2003 when he just grabbed me,” said a tearful al-Baghdadi. “I always blamed myself.” Trump immediately denied al-Baghdadi’s claim. “Just look at him,” Trump noted. “I mean, his beard is awful. He’s balding. He’s...

Turkey Begins Releasing Jailed ISIS Members to Make Room for Journalists

Turkey Begins Releasing Jailed ISIS Members to Make Room for Journalists

Turkish President Recep Tayyib Erdogan announced that his country will begin releasing hundreds of members of the terror group ISIS, saying there is no longer room in the prisons for both them and the influx of journalists being rounded up by security forces. “With increasing numbers of Turks tragically choosing to commit the crime of Journalism, we simply could not hold both these criminals and the misguided ISIS recruits,” Erdogan told The Mideast Beast. “They say ‘The pen is mightier...

Angered by Criticism Over Fake News Sites, Mark Zuckerberg Joins ISIS

Angered by Criticism Over Fake News Sites, Mark Zuckerberg Joins ISIS

Saying he was furious over criticism that his site had contributed to the spread of fake news leading up to the November 8 presidential election, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced that he has moved to Syria and joined ISIS. “The claim that Facebook is awash with false and misleading news in completely unfounded,” Zuckerberg told The Mideast Beast. “That is why I have decided to fight the American infidels on behalf of the resurgent Islamic Caliphate. Allahu Akbar.” Since President-Elect...

Trump Taps Chris Christie as New U.S. Ambassador to Yemen

Trump Taps Chris Christie as New U.S. Ambassador to Yemen

In what aides say is a reward for the governor’s early support and loyalty towards the president-elect, Donald Trump has named New Jersey Governor Chris Christie as the next U.S. Ambassador to Yemen. “I hope this appointment shows just how much respect I have for the governor,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “There’s no one else I would even consider for this post.” Christie, previously considered a frontrunner for a high-level cabinet position, saw his stock sink over his handling...

Israelis Elect ISIS After Concerns Are Raised Over Netanyahu’s Emails

Israelis Elect ISIS After Concerns Are Raised Over Netanyahu’s Emails

In an election that stunned pundits, Israel has overwhelmingly elected the ISIS Party after questions were raised over Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s use of a private e-mail server. “I don’t know that I like ISIS, but after hearing about Netanyahu’s e-mails, there’s no way I could vote for him,” said Shlomo Cohen, a Tel Aviv resident and ISIS voter. “I just don’t trust anyone who deletes personal e-mails.” ISIS ran on a platform of eliminating the State of Israel, killing...

Trump Tweets Nuclear Codes in 3 a.m. Twitter War with Jordanian Troll

Trump Tweets Nuclear Codes in 3 a.m. Twitter War with Jordanian Troll

The U.S. nuclear arsenal has gone on emergency lockdown, after President-elect Donald Trump mistakenly Tweeted the nuclear launch codes during a Twitter fight with a Jordanian troll. Trump appeared to mistakenly believe the troll, whose Twitter handle is @KingofJordan69, was in fact King Abdullah II, the Kingdom’s monarch. After @KingofJordan69, who was later discovered to be a 14-year-old boy from a village outside Amman, Tweeted that “I herd @realDonaldTrump has small hand and more smaller penis,” Trump unleashed an hour-long...

ISIS Announces: ‘Our Work Here is Done’

ISIS Announces: ‘Our Work Here is Done’

Calling it “the culmination of everything we’ve worked for all these years,” a teary-eyed Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced that ISIS had completed its mission of bringing around the end of Western Civilization. At ISIS headquarters in Raqqa, supporters were celebrating well into Wednesday morning, with a “Mission Accomplished” banner hanging in the background. Ignoring the Muslim ban on alcohol, fighters were spraying each other with champagne. “I knew that eventually, with hard work, we could bring about the destruction...

After Melania Comes Out Against Cyber-Bullying, Eva Braun Vows to Fight Anti-Semitism

After Melania Comes Out Against Cyber-Bullying, Eva Braun Vows to Fight Anti-Semitism

Following Melania Trump’s promise to focus on preventing cyberbullying as First Lady of the United States, Eva Braun has announced plans to combat anti-Semitism both in Germany and throughout the world. “Our culture has become too mean and too rough, especially to Jewish people,” Braun, Adolf Hitler’s longtime mistress, noted. “We have to find a better way to respect religious differences without turning to hatred or prejudice.” Braun announced that she would launch a tour of Middle Eastern countries in...

ISIS Launches Operation ‘Wait and See’ Against US

ISIS Launches Operation ‘Wait and See’ Against US

ISIS has announced the launch of Operation ‘Wait and See’ against the United States, as the terrorist group plans to “sit back and just kind of see how things play out” for the next three or four days. “It feels a little bit silly to be plotting attacks that will maybe kill 15 to 20 Americans when the country is likely days away from imploding in a fiery inferno,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi noted. “As they say in the Arab...

ISIS Angered as Re-Establishment of Caliphate Overshadowed by Cubs World Series Win

ISIS Angered as Re-Establishment of Caliphate Overshadowed by Cubs World Series Win

Saying that it “must be a Zionist conspiracy,” ISIS leaders are reportedly furious that the Chicago Cubs’ first World Series Championship since 1908 has made the terrorist group’s re-establishment of the caliphate after a 90-year wait seem unimpressive in comparison. “Now all we ever hear about is how the Cubs broke their curse, and how their fans have suffered for soooo long,” complained one ISIS leader. “Our fans suffered for pretty long too. Not 108 years or anything, but still,...

Following Anthony Weiner Scandal, Iranian Liberals Okay with Government Banning Twitter

Following Anthony Weiner Scandal, Iranian Liberals Okay with Government Banning Twitter

Saying that they now understood the imperative for the ban, liberal activists in the Islamic Republic of Iran have dropped their demand that the government lift its ban on Twitter. “While being denied the basic freedom of speech and assembly that Twitter allows is unfair and repressive, at least we don’t have old perverts sending us pictures of their dicks,” one Iranian reformist told The Mideast Beast, referring to former congressman Anthony Weiner. “While we’d love to have Twitter as...

ISIS Flees After Millions of Americans ‘Check In’ to Mosul on Facebook

ISIS Flees After Millions of Americans ‘Check In’ to Mosul on Facebook

A campaign by the Iraqi government to use Facebook to defeat ISIS has proven successful, as millions of social media “Check Ins” to the Iraqi city of Mosul has forced the terrorist group to flee. The breakthrough came after the Iraqi military urged Americans to post on Facebook claiming to be in Mosul in order to frighten and confuse ISIS fighters, echoing techniques used by the protestors from the Standing Rock Sioux tribe in North Dakota. The terrorist group had...