Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Trump to Build ‘Third Temple Trump Hotel’ on Site of Temple Mount

Trump to Build ‘Third Temple Trump Hotel’ on Site of Temple Mount

Calling it a perfect solution to longstanding tension over the Temple Mount in Jerusalem, President Trump has proposed a plan to raze the entire site and replace it with the ‘Third Temple Trump Hotel and Mosque.’ Trump unveiled his plans just one day after meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in Israel. After considering how to accommodate Jewish access to the site of the First and Second Temples and Muslim access to the Al Aqsa Mosque, Trump said he...

Ivanka, Jared Kushner Visit Confirms Saudi Opinion of Jews

Ivanka, Jared Kushner Visit Confirms Saudi Opinion of Jews

Saying that they were disgusted but a bit relieved to learn that their stereotypes were in fact spot on, Saudi officials reportedly emerged from meetings with Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner more certain than ever of their negative opinion of Jews. “My whole life I was told that Jews were immoral and obsessed solely with money and power, but I couldn’t know for sure since I had never met one,” one Saudi prince confided to The Mideast Beast. “But after...

Afghans Vow to Free US from Russian Occupation

Afghans Vow to Free US from Russian Occupation

Nearly four decades after Americans helped their country drive out Soviet forces, Afghan leaders have pledged to return the favor by freeing the US from Russia’s grasp. “We will never forget that in 1979, when the Russians overthrew our rulers and installed a puppet government, Americans had our backs,” Taliban Emir Hibatullah Akhundzada told The Mideast Beast. “Now that the shoe is on the other foot, we have a responsibility to act.” On Saturday, Afghan forces set up a headquarters...

ISIS Leader to Trump: ‘Stop Calling Me with Nuclear Codes’

ISIS Leader to Trump: ‘Stop Calling Me with Nuclear Codes’

Saying that he just could not deal with the constant phone calls, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has asked US President Donald Trump to stop calling him at all hours of the night to discuss US state secrets. “At first, I thought it was a tremendous victory that the head of the infidels would call me, unprompted, and tell me about confidential US military missions or which of my fighters is secretly a spy,” the ISIS caliph told The Mideast...

Arab Countries Ask to Borrow US Constitution While Americans Aren’t Using It

Arab Countries Ask to Borrow US Constitution While Americans Aren’t Using It

Promising to return it promptly whenever the US needs it back, a number of Middle Eastern countries have asked President Trump if they can borrow the US Constitution “since you guys clearly aren’t using it right now.” “I read the American Constitution, and it actually isn’t bad,” said one Saudi citizen. “It’s all about the rights of the people, and checks and balances. And there’s nothing about beheading infidels or forcing women to stay at home.” He added, “I’m not...

Israel Searching for Tiny Chair for Erdogan

Israel Searching for Tiny Chair for Erdogan

Pulling a page out of its diplomatic playbook, Israel’s foreign ministry plans to respond to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s diatribe against the country by forcing the Turkish leader to sit in a tiny chair during his next visit. Officials pointed to the success of a similar measure in 2010, when then-deputy foreign minister Danny Ayalon forced the Turkish ambassador to sit in a low chair in response to a negative portrayal of Israel on Turkish television. The move was...

Marwan Barghouti Announces ‘Gluten Strike’ Until Demands Met

Marwan Barghouti Announces ‘Gluten Strike’ Until Demands Met

Backing away from his previous full hunger strike, former Palestinian militant leader Marwan Barghouti has vowed to maintain a completely gluten-free diet until his demands are met. “Until me and my fellow prisoners are either released or given a fair trial, I will abstain from eating any food or beverage products containing gluten,” Barghouti told The Mideast Beast. “If my suffering does not spur the Israeli people to demand justice, then nothing will.” Barghouti, jailed for his role during the Second...

Trump Blasts Malala, Saying He Prefers Nobel Peace Laureates ‘Who Didn’t Get Shot in the Head’

Trump Blasts Malala, Saying He Prefers Nobel Peace Laureates ‘Who Didn’t Get Shot in the Head’

President Donald Trump lashed out at Nobel laureate Malala Yousafzai, responding to criticism from the 18-year-old Pakistani by claiming that “a real hero would have never gotten shot in the first place.” “I mean, everyone goes on about how, ‘Oh, she’s soooo brave, and so courageous,’ just because she got shot in the face. I mean, how brave do you need to be to get shot in the face? It’s not like she caught the bullet in her teeth –...

Israel to Employ Jewish Grandmothers to Force-Feed Palestinian Prisoners on Hunger Strike

Israel to Employ Jewish Grandmothers to Force-Feed Palestinian Prisoners on Hunger Strike

In a move widely condemned as cruel and unusual punishment, Israel has announced that it will begin force-feeding Palestinian prisoners on hunger strike by employing Jewish grandmothers to guilt them into eating. “Security prisoners are interested in turning a hunger strike into a new type of suicide terrorist attack through which they will threaten the State of Israel,” Public Security Minister Gilad Erdan told The Mideast Beast. “We have no choice but to unleash our own form of terror.” Prisoners...

ISIS to Sell Soiled Jeans to Nordstrom

ISIS to Sell Soiled Jeans to Nordstrom

The Islamic State has finally come up with a solution to its financial problems, as the department store Nordstrom has agreed to pay hundreds of dollars per item for pairs of soiled jeans worn by the group’s fighters. “After we lost our access to oil and ran out of priceless art to sell, we were so broke we thought we might have to shut down shop,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi admitted. “But then we saw that those infidels at...

Bill O’Reilly to Chair UN Women’s Rights Commission

Bill O’Reilly to Chair UN Women’s Rights Commission

Days after electing Saudi Arabia as a member, the UN Commission on the Status of Women has chosen former Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly to take over as the group’s chair. “Here at the UN, we are always looking for alternative perspectives on human rights,” one commission representative noted. “We think the Saudis have some really unique interpretations on women’s issues, like not letting women drive, and we want to encourage other countries to explore these kinds of arrangements.” Commission...

In Shocking Result, Trump Wins Turkish Referendum

In Shocking Result, Trump Wins Turkish Referendum

In an outcome that baffled pollsters and experts, Donald Trump has emerged victorious in Turkey’s constitutional referendum this weekend. The victory marked another upset for the American billionaire, as the ballot asked voters simply whether they approve of constitutional changes aimed at giving more power to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan. But when all the votes were tallied, Trump had somehow again come away with an unexpected victory. “Nobody believed in us, not the fake news, not the lying New...

Trump Fires Spicer, Names Ahmadinejad Press Secretary

Trump Fires Spicer, Names Ahmadinejad Press Secretary

After days of criticism over his claims that Hitler never used chemical weapons, Press Secretary Sean Spicer has been forced to resign and is now replaced by former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “Listen, I think Sean’s been doing a wonderful job, but Jared tells me the Jews are very upset at him, so he’s gone,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “But we’re bringing in someone terrific.” Though he promised during his campaign to take a hard line against Iran, Trump...

ISIS Refuses to Hijack United Airlines Flights

ISIS Refuses to Hijack United Airlines Flights

Joining a growing boycott of the airlines after a passenger was beaten and dragged off an overbooked plane, ISIS announced this week that it will not hijack any United Airlines flights. “While our mujahedeen are fearless warriors willing to die as martyrs of Islam, even they have their limits,” ISIS caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said in a videotape released on Al Jazeera. “If they are going to sacrifice their lives battling the infidels, they shouldn’t have to worry about getting...

Kendall Jenner Tapped as Israeli-Palestinian Peace Envoy

Kendall Jenner Tapped as Israeli-Palestinian Peace Envoy

Citing her “tremendous success” in bridging the gap between the police and the Black Lives Matter movement, President Trump announced he has appointed Kendall Jenner to lead Israeli-Palestinian peace talks for his administration. “Listen, this Kendall Jenner, I’m hearing great things,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “I hear she does amazing things with Pepsi, and she is being recognized more and more. She’s going to solve this conflict so fast it’ll make your head spin.” “And let me tell you,...

‘I Hate It When My Friends Are Fighting,’ Putin Says

‘I Hate It When My Friends Are Fighting,’ Putin Says

Noting that things were so much easier when his BFFs Bashar and Donald got along, Russian President Vladimir Putin admitted that recent tension between two of his closest comrades is beginning to cause him undue stress. “Now whenever I invite Bashar to go shopping or to see a movie, the first thing he says is ‘I’m not going if Donald is going to be there,’” Putin told The Mideast Beast. “It’s like I am being forced to choose between them.”...

‘But Putin Said Bashar Was a Great Guy,’ Confused Trump Says

‘But Putin Said Bashar Was a Great Guy,’ Confused Trump Says

Admitting that he does not know who he can trust anymore, President Trump said Thursday that he is struggling to reconcile Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s recent chemical weapon strike on civilians with Russian President Vladimir Putin’s promise that Assad is a “tremendous guy.” “Every time I speak to Vladimir – which is a lot, believe me – all he says is ‘Bashar is so great, Bashar is so loyal, why can’t you be more like Bashar?’ Trump told The Mideast...

Palestinians Trigger ‘Article 50’ to Leave Israel

Palestinians Trigger ‘Article 50’ to Leave Israel

Noting that they were shocked to learn how easy politically separating from a repressive entity is, the Palestinian Authority announced last week that it has triggered Article 50 to leave Israeli control. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas said the idea originated when he saw a news article on British Prime Minister Theresa May taking a similar action to leave the EU. “I had never heard of ‘Article 50’, and had no idea that you could leave an unwanted union just by...

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

Buoyed by Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway’s recent revelation that false statements can be redefined as “alternative facts,” the terrorist group ISIS has released what it dubbed an “alternative Quran” to justify some of its less Islamic practices. “While we enjoyed calling ourselves the ‘Islamic’ State, and we really liked making gruesome videos of burning enemy pilots to death, it was getting a little bit tough trying to reconcile the two,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “Plus,...

ISIS Opens Recruiting Center in Israel After JCC Bomb Threat Arrest

ISIS Opens Recruiting Center in Israel After JCC Bomb Threat Arrest

Saying that the group “deeply regrets” ignoring a key demographic, the Islamic State announced that it has opened a recruiting center in Tel Aviv following the arrest of a Jewish Israeli-American teenager for making bomb threats against Jewish Community Centers in the United States. “For years, we bought into the false stereotype that Jews are less capable of unhinged or violent anti-Semitism than the rest of us,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said. “But the heroic actions of this young Israeli...