Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Palestinians Call for One-State Solution to US-Mexico Dispute

Palestinians Call for One-State Solution to US-Mexico Dispute

In a rejection of more than two decades of Palestinian foreign policy, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas said it might be time for the US and Mexico to give up on their attempt at a two-state solution. “Listen, we’ve tried having separate states on each side of the Rio Grande, and we ended up with one side sending all its rapists over, and the other side trying to build a wall,” Abbas said during a joint press conference with Mexican President...

ISIS Invites Milo Yiannopoulos to Host Quran Reading

ISIS Invites Milo Yiannopoulos to Host Quran Reading

In a decision sure to cause devastation across the US, the Islamic terrorist group ISIS announced that it has invited controversial former Breitbart senior editor Milo Yiannopoulos as a guest host for its annual Quran reading next month. “While we do not agree with all of Mr. Yiannopoulos’s views – hell, the only thing we agree with him on is pedophilia – we have invited him to highlight the importance of free speech,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi noted. “Ah,...

Trump to Build ‘Third Temple Trump Hotel’ on Site of Temple Mount

Trump to Build ‘Third Temple Trump Hotel’ on Site of Temple Mount

Calling it a perfect solution to longstanding tension over the Temple Mount in Jerusalem, President Trump has proposed a plan to raze the entire site and replace it with the ‘Third Temple Trump Hotel and Mosque.’ Trump unveiled his plans days after meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. After considering how to accommodate Jewish access to the site of the First and Second Temples and Muslim access to the Al Aqsa Mosque, Trump said he believed the best solution...

Saudi Government Torn Over Whether to Let Caitlyn Jenner Drive

Saudi Government Torn Over Whether to Let Caitlyn Jenner Drive

Saudi officials have held a series of emergency meetings over the past month, as the government has struggled over whether former Olympian and reality TV star Caitlyn Jenner, who was born a man but last month revealed that she identified as a woman, would be allowed to drive or appear unveiled in public if she ever visits the Kingdom. “Allah decides who is a man and who is a woman, and Bruce Jenner cannot change the will of Allah, so...

Saudi ISIS Members Blast Judge’s Rejection of Muslim Ban

Saudi ISIS Members Blast Judge’s Rejection of Muslim Ban

Saying they should not be forced to sit next to Libyans and Yemenis while flying to the US to carry out terror attacks, ISIS members from Saudi Arabia and other countries not included in President Trump’s travel ban, have lashed out against a court ruling striking down the restrictions. “The travel ban was a sensible measure to ensure that terrorists like myself do not have to compete with smelly Libyans or Iranian infidels for cheap air tickets while traveling to...

Trump Urges Putin to Ignore ISIS and Bomb Nordstrom

Trump Urges Putin to Ignore ISIS and Bomb Nordstrom

Saying that the fight against radical Islamic terrorism could wait until more important matters are resolved, President Trump has called on Russian President Vladimir Putin to turn back fighter jets headed to Syria and redirect them to target Nordstrom locations throughout the US. Trump’s request came after Nordstrom dropped the apparel brand of the president’s daughter, Ivanka, after anti-Trump activists called for boycotts of companies carrying the brand. “Listen, we will deal with ISIS, believe me. They are some bad...

Following Brexit, UK Considers Joining Middle East

Following Brexit, UK Considers Joining Middle East

With Britain looking for a new home after narrowly voting to leave the EU, the Brits are reportedly considering joining the Middle East. “Things didn’t work out with Europe, but it’s time we get back out there on the market,” former London mayor and leading Brexiter Boris Johnson told The Mideast Beast. “The Middle East has some great things to offer; it’s got warm weather, historical sites, people with real tans, a touch of our own imperial legacy, and a little...

ISIS Thrilled Over Patriots Super Bowl Victory

ISIS Thrilled Over Patriots Super Bowl Victory

Calling the suffering inflicted on the vast majority of Americans “a really nice surprise,” ISIS leaders were reportedly celebrating into the morning hours Monday after the hated New England Patriots’ stunning come-from-behind win in Super Bowl LI. “Seeing the American infidels this angry without having to plan and execute an attack is just a really great way to start the workweek,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said after a James White touchdown run sealed the game for New England in...

Al Qaeda Claims Credit for Bowling Green Massacre

Al Qaeda Claims Credit for Bowling Green Massacre

Calling it the first act in a “comeback tour of terrorism,” al Qaeda claimed credit Sunday for the Bowling Green Massacre, which was first revealed last week by Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway. “The martyrs of Bowling Green remain hidden no more,” an al Qaeda spokesman said in a released statement. “Let the blood of the dead flowing through the streets of Bowling Green serve as justice for our brothers killed by the American crusaders.” Conway first brought attention to the...

Trump Tweets Nuclear Codes in 3 a.m. Twitter War with Jordanian Troll

Trump Tweets Nuclear Codes in 3 a.m. Twitter War with Jordanian Troll

The U.S. nuclear arsenal has gone on emergency lockdown after President Donald Trump mistakenly tweeted the nuclear launch codes during a twitter fight with a Jordanian troll. Trump appeared to mistakenly believe the troll, whose Twitter handle is @KingofJordan69, was in fact King Abdullah II, the Kingdom’s monarch. After @KingofJordan69, who was later discovered to be a 14-year-old boy from a village outside Amman, tweeted that “I herd @realDonaldTrump has small hand and more smaller penis,” Trump unleashed an hour-long...

Trump Reverses Muslim Ban After Falafel Shortage Rocks US

Trump Reverses Muslim Ban After Falafel Shortage Rocks US

President Trump reversed an executive order banning immigrants and visa holders from seven Muslim countries Sunday after a nation-wide falafel shortage brought protestors to the streets in several major cities. Just hours after the ban went into place, long lines had formed outside falafel shops across the country, as beleaguered halal vendors struggled to meet the demand for the deep-fried chickpea street food. By Saturday night, Americans from across the political spectrum had taken to the streets in anger after...

ISIS Flees After Millions of Americans ‘Check In’ to Mosul on Facebook

ISIS Flees After Millions of Americans ‘Check In’ to Mosul on Facebook

A campaign by the Iraqi government to use Facebook to defeat ISIS has proven successful, as millions of social media “Check Ins” to the Iraqi city of Mosul has forced the terrorist group to flee. The breakthrough came after the Iraqi military urged Americans to post on Facebook claiming to be in Mosul in order to frighten and confuse ISIS fighters, echoing techniques used by the protestors from the Standing Rock Sioux tribe in North Dakota. The terrorist group had...

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

Buoyed by Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway’s recent revelation that false statements can be redefined as “alternative facts,” the terrorist group ISIS has released what it dubbed an “alternative Quran” to justify some of its less Islamic practices. “While we enjoyed calling ourselves the ‘Islamic’ State, and we really liked making gruesome videos of burning enemy pilots to death, it was getting a little bit tough trying to reconcile the two,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “Plus,...

ISIS Leader Desperately Searches for Tape of Trump Peeing on Him

ISIS Leader Desperately Searches for Tape of Trump Peeing on Him

Saying that he cannot believe he misplaced such a valuable item, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has reportedly spent the last 48 hours searching for a VHS tape of President Donald Trump urinating on him. “Why didn’t I keep it in a safe location?” an exasperated al-Baghdadi asked himself while rifling through his drawers. “With this kind of leverage over the President of America, the caliphate would be unstoppable.” Baghdadi had forgotten all about the tape until hearing reports that...

Report: Al Qaeda No Longer Hates America for its Freedom

Report: Al Qaeda No Longer Hates America for its Freedom

President Donald J. Trump has won the War on Terror on his first day in office, as al Qaeda announced late Friday that it no longer hates Americans for their freedoms. “When we attacked you on September 11, we did so because we resented your strong democracy, your freedom of speech and freedom of press, and your freedom to disagree with each other in a civilized manner,” al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri said in a statement released on al Jazeera....

After Commuting Manning’s Sentence, Obama to Resuscitate Bin Laden

After Commuting Manning’s Sentence, Obama to Resuscitate Bin Laden

After commuting the prison sentence of former army intelligence analyst and WikiLeaks source Chelsea Manning, President Obama announced Tuesday that he planned to also reverse the 2011 killing of former al Qaeda chief Osama bin Laden. “Mr. bin Laden’s 10 years on the run and six years of death are more than enough punishment for his offenses,” Obama said in a statement announcing his decision to find bin Laden’s body and attempt to bring him back to life. “Like Ms....

Obama to Finally Intervene in Syria After Assad Signs Controversial ‘Bathroom Law’

Obama to Finally Intervene in Syria After Assad Signs Controversial ‘Bathroom Law’

WASHINGTON D.C. — With just days left in office, President Obama has reversed course on one of his major policies, deciding to intervene decisively against President Bashar al Assad after the Syrian leader passed a controversial “bathroom bill.” The law, vehemently opposed by Democrats and the Obama administration, would require Syrians to use the bathroom based on the gender listed on their birth certificate. While the US had refrained from military action even as Assad’s government killed hundreds of thousands...

ISIS Leader Claims Trump Groped Him

ISIS Leader Claims Trump Groped Him

MANHATTAN — Saying he had stayed silent for years out of shame, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi accused Donald Trump of groping him and making unwanted sexual advances more than a decade ago. “I was alone with Mr. Trump at a rally against the Iraq war in 2003 when he just grabbed me,” said a tearful al-Baghdadi. “I always blamed myself.” Trump immediately denied al-Baghdadi’s claim. “Just look at him,” Trump noted. “I mean, his beard is awful. He’s balding. He’s...

Syrian President: “Donald Trump’s Obsession with Putin ‘a Bit Much'”

Syrian President: “Donald Trump’s Obsession with Putin ‘a Bit Much'”

Saying the President-elect has gone overboard in his fawning praise of the Russian dictator, Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad urged Donald Trump to tone down his constant professions of devotion to Vladimir Putin. “Listen, I love Vladimir too,” noted Assad, who has remained in power due largely to Russian military assistance. “Hell, if not for Putin, I’d probably be dead by now. I’d either have a knife stuck up my ass like Qaddafi, be locked in one of those ISIS cages,...

Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers

Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers

Noting the increasing prevalence of stone throwing, particularly among youths, in the Palestinian territories and in Israeli West Bank settlements, several Major League Baseball clubs have sent their scouts to the region to look for pitching talent. “For years we’ve been hearing stories about how both Arab and Jewish children grow up hurling rocks at cars, tanks, soldiers and American diplomats,” a scout for the Arizona Diamondbacks told The Mideast Beast. “If they can throw a stone, how hard can...