Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

ISIS Leader Suspended from Jihad After Testing Positive for Steroids

ISIS Leader Suspended from Jihad After Testing Positive for Steroids

RAQQA — The Islamic State was dealt a setback last Thursday, as ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was suspended indefinitely after testing positive for jihad-enhancing drugs. The failed test not only puts the Islamic State’s future in jeopardy but has called into question the legitimacy of previous accomplishments, which for years have been tainted by rumors of steroid use. “During a random drug test last week, Mr. Baghdadi tested positive for the performance-enhancing drug Jihadozol, a steroid that has negative...

ISIS Renounces Islam Following Saudi Fatwa Banning ‘Pokemon Go’

ISIS Renounces Islam Following Saudi Fatwa Banning ‘Pokemon Go’

Admitting that he “may have been wrong about America,” ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has reportedly renounced Islam after top Saudi clerics issued a fatwa banning the playing of the hit iPhone game ‘Pokemon Go.’ “After three years of wandering around the desert in mind-numbing boredom looking for infidels to behead, Pokemon Go was a welcome relief for me and my army of mujahedeen, who loved tracking down Jigglypuffs and Pikachus when they couldn’t find any Christians or Shia to...

France Announces It Will Use Guillotine on Terrorists

France Announces It Will Use Guillotine on Terrorists

Following the terrorist attacks in Paris last November, which claimed 129 lives, the recent capture of suspect Salah Abdeslam, and the most recent attack in Nice killing over 80 people, French President François Hollande announced his intention of finding his inner-Robespierre and employing the guillotine to execute ISIS or ISIS-linked terrorists. “While we have not beheaded anyone in a really, really long time, the chance to see these jihadi shitheads getting their heads lopped off is just too good to pass up,”...

Gollum Sues Turkish Doctor for Comparing him to Erdogan

Gollum Sues Turkish Doctor for Comparing him to Erdogan

“Lord of the Rings” character Gollum has filed a lawsuit against a Turkish doctor over a series of images comparing Gollum to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan. “Being compared to Mr. Erdogan has personally and libelously defamed my character,” Gollum told The Mideast Beast. “We may both be hideous villains obsessed with attaining power at all cost, but at least I have some redeeming qualities.” Gollum also noted that he was not nearly as ugly as the Turkish president. Caption:...

Citing Need for ‘Safe Space,’ Turkey’s President to Attend College in U.S.

Citing Need for ‘Safe Space,’ Turkey’s President to Attend College in U.S.

Saying that he had finally found a group of people as thin-skinned and hysterical as himself, Turkish President Recep Tayyib Erdogan announced this week that he would be leaving Turkey and attending college on an American campus. “I always thought that I was alone in believing anyone who hurt my feelings with microaggressions should be locked up or killed, and that the whole world should be my ‘safe space,’” Erdogan told The Mideast Beast during an interview at an Oberlin...

Turkish President Annoyed He Has to Pretend to Believe in Democracy Again

Turkish President Annoyed He Has to Pretend to Believe in Democracy Again

ANKARA — Saying he thought he was done “with this whole democracy shit,” Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan expressed annoyance over being forced to urge supporters to “defend democracy” following a coup attempt by groups within the Turkish military. “I’ve spent the last 13 fucking years pretending to believe in democracy. I thought that now that I had banned all opposition groups and shut down all critical newspapers, I could finally give up the charade,” an annoyed Erdogan reportedly told...

Gingrich Demands ‘Sharia Law’ Test be Given to Indiana Gov. Mike Pence

Gingrich Demands ‘Sharia Law’ Test be Given to Indiana Gov. Mike Pence

WASHINGTON D.C. — Saying it was “highly likely” that the Indiana governor had been radicalized and should immediately be deported, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich demanded Mike Pence, recently named as Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump’s running mate, be tested to see if he believes in Sharia Law. “Western civilization is at war, and we can’t afford to have a radical Islamic extremist one heartbeat away from the presidency,” Gingrich told The Mideast Beast. “I’ve heard that Governor...

Bill Cosby Joins Israeli Army After IDF Rabbi Okays Rape of ‘Attractive Gentile Women’

Bill Cosby Joins Israeli Army After IDF Rabbi Okays Rape of ‘Attractive Gentile Women’

JERUSALEM — Saying that recent comments by IDF Rabbi Colonel Eyal Karim really aligned with his beliefs and values, comedian and alleged rapist Bill Cosby has reportedly moved to Israel and joined the Israeli army. Cosby’s decision comes after past statements surfaced in which Karim, announced Monday as the intended new chief rabbi, said it is permitted for soldiers at war to “satisfy the evil inclination by lying with attractive gentile women against their will.” “That’s what I’ve been saying...

Weapons Inspectors Demand Access to Iranian Military Sites to Collect Pokémon

Weapons Inspectors Demand Access to Iranian Military Sites to Collect Pokémon

VIENNA — Last year’s nuclear deal between Iran and the West may now be in jeopardy, as weapons inspectors are demanding access to sensitive military sites at which Pokémon has been discovered. “While Iran had been in compliance with the terms of the agreement up to this point, Iranian officials have now refused to allow our inspectors to enter off-limit sites- even in cases where the inspectors see a rare and much-needed Pokémon character within reach,” Yukiya Amano, chief of...

Trump Picks Embattled Syrian President Assad as Running Mate

Trump Picks Embattled Syrian President Assad as Running Mate

Calling the Syrian strongman “a guy who’s really good at killing terrorists,” Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has named Syrian President Bashar al-Assad as his running mate. “Listen, this guy is a really, really bad guy. Really bad guy,” Trump said as he introduced Assad at a campaign rally. “But you know what he does good? He kills terrorists. I mean, he kills people with long beards and those stupid things on their heads, I assume they’re terrorists.” RELATED: Trump: “Obama...

Assad Taps Bill Cosby to Run Chemical Weapons Program

Assad Taps Bill Cosby to Run Chemical Weapons Program

Calling the television star a leader in the fields of both chemistry and ethics, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced Monday that Bill Cosby will be charged with leading Syria’s chemical weapons program. “Ever since that dick [U.S. President Barack] Obama made me give [Russian President Vladimir] Putin my chemical weapons, I’ve been looking for someone who really knows how to use advanced chemistry to knock someone out for the count,” Assad told The Mideast Beast. “Then I read about this...

Experts Baffled as Trump Leads Saudi Election Polls

Experts Baffled as Trump Leads Saudi Election Polls

A new series of polls has political analysts perplexed, as American businessman Donald Trump holds a commanding lead in the upcoming Saudi election race despite holding views at odds with the population on nearly every issue. “Though Trump has called for a ban on Muslims in the U.S., praised soldiers for dipping bullets in pig blood, promised to kill the families of alleged terrorists, and vowed to close down mosques, he is leading among nearly every Saudi demographic, including religious...

Jenny McCarthy Proposes Vaccinating ISIS Members in Hopes of Giving Them Autism

Jenny McCarthy Proposes Vaccinating ISIS Members in Hopes of Giving Them Autism

In a bold plan aimed at degrading the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, actress and activist Jenny McCarthy has proposed vaccinating ISIS members in hopes of giving the jihadi fighters autism. “While vaccines are too dangerous to give our children, there’s no better way to fight the Islamic State than to make sure all their fighters are vaccinated,” McCarthy told The Mideast Beast. “Sure, a handful of their fighters may be saved from measles or polio, but the thousands of...

Trump Promises to Amend Declaration of Independence to Address ‘Radical Islamic Terrorism’

Trump Promises to Amend Declaration of Independence to Address ‘Radical Islamic Terrorism’

Promising an amendment to the document if elected, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump blasted America’s founding fathers for being “too politically correct” to use the words “radical Islamic terrorism” in the Declaration of Independence. “It’s the Fourth of July so I said, hey, I’ll read the Declaration of Independence, and believe me, I was shocked to find there wasn’t one mention of radical Islamists,” Trump said at a rally Monday, as Americans celebrated Independence Day. “I read all the words...

British Protests, Violence Mark 240 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

British Protests, Violence Mark 240 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

As Americans celebrate the 240th anniversary of its independence with barbeques, parties and fireworks, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British marked what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO troops and protesters demanding a “right of return” to the U.S. mainland. Riots were held in London, Manchester and other major cities, as British citizens protested their expulsion from what they...

LeBron Signs with Syrian Rebels, Promises Democracy within Two Years

LeBron Signs with Syrian Rebels, Promises Democracy within Two Years

Declaring that if he can bring a championship to Cleveland, he could certainly bring democracy to Syria, NBA star LeBron James has opted out of his contract with the Cavaliers and inked a five-year deal with moderate Syrian rebels battling both ISIS and the Assad regime. James announced his decision in an essay on Al Jazeera’s website. “I’m not going to bring democracy overnight. This is a young group of rebels, and we’re not ready right now,” James wrote. “It will...

Trump Blasts Malala, Saying He Prefers Nobel Peace Laureates ‘Who Didn’t Get Shot in the Head’

Trump Blasts Malala, Saying He Prefers Nobel Peace Laureates ‘Who Didn’t Get Shot in the Head’

Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump lashed out at Nobel laureate Malala Yousafzai, responding to criticism from the 18-year-old Pakistani by claiming that “a real hero would have never gotten shot in the first place.” “I mean, everyone goes on about how, ‘Oh, she’s soooo brave, and so courageous,’ just because she got shot in the face. I mean, how brave do you need to be to get shot in the face? It’s not like she caught the bullet in her...

Following Brexit, UK Considers Joining Middle East

Following Brexit, UK Considers Joining Middle East

With Britain looking for a new home after narrowly voting to leave the EU, the Brits are reportedly considering joining the Middle East. “Things didn’t work out with Europe, but it’s time we get back out there on the market,” former London mayor and leading Brexiter Boris Johnson told The Mideast Beast. “The Middle East has some great things to offer; it’s got warm weather, historical sites, people with real tans, and a little bit of a dangerous side, which frankly...

Western World Shocked by Islamist Belief that Radiohead is Still Relevant

Western World Shocked by Islamist Belief that Radiohead is Still Relevant

After radical Islamists attacked a Radiohead listening party in Istanbul last Friday, the Western world has begun to awaken to the shocking fact that many Islamists still care about Radiohead. “Until Friday’s attack, I was under the impression that radical Islam could be controlled,” President Obama admitted in a press conference following Friday’s attack by Islamists in Turkey’s largest city. “It’s now clear, however, that these people are completely detached from civilization and modernity.” RELATED: ISIS Plays Snippet of New Nickelback...

TSA Prohibition on Liquids Foils al Qaeda Plot to Brush Teeth During Flights

TSA Prohibition on Liquids Foils al Qaeda Plot to Brush Teeth During Flights

The TSA’s strict prohibitions against bringing liquids and creams over 3.4 ounces onto U.S. flights has paid off, as a plot by al Qaeda agents to excessively brush their teeth in the airplane lavatory during domestic flights has been foiled. “In light of the statement in the TSA Guidelines that liquids, aerosols, gels, creams and pastes over 3.4 ounces will not be allowed in carry-on bags, we have regretfully decided to cancel Operation Fresh Breath,” al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri...