Rani Steelballs

Rani Steelballs is a Dodo Bird enthusiast; a deep believer in the multiverse yet a Monotheist; an Aquarius that smiles while reading his daily horoscope but vehemently denies astrology has any merit; and he is fascinated by the special relationship between American Jews and Chinese food.

His phobias include redheads, Victorian Porcelain Dolls, the Russian language, running out of cigarettes, and Israeli women that yell at him.

Steelballs currently resides in an illegally occupied town in Northern Cyprus.

 

Netanyahu to Dress as Inmate for Purim

Netanyahu to Dress as Inmate for Purim

Purim, the ‘Jewish Halloween’ begins in March but the Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, has already announced that he’ll be joining the celebrations. A spokesperson from the Prime Minister’s Office relayed, “As Bibi follows the news (and possible corruption indictments), he feels that it would be best to dress in prisoners’ uniform not only for fun but, you know, just...

Americans Thrilled as United Nations Headquarters to be Moved to Israel
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Americans Thrilled as United Nations Headquarters to be Moved to Israel

In what many will view as a surprising move, the United Nations has voted to relocate its headquarters to Israel. According to recent U.S. polls, Americans feel that the UN has overstayed its Manhattan visit. One Alabama resident told The Mideast Beast, “Dang, they’ve been here since 1952. 51 years is long enough! Wait, what’s 2017 minus 1952?” After 65 years in the...

Trump Pardons ISIS Leader, ‘A Patriot Who Kept the Caliphate Safe’

Trump Pardons ISIS Leader, ‘A Patriot Who Kept the Caliphate Safe’

MARICOPA, AL-ARIZONASTAN — On Friday, President Trump pardoned controversial ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, commenting that his “only crime was protecting the Caliphate from non-believers.” “Despite the failing New York Times’ description of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and his aggressive efforts to hunt down and detain infidels, Abu was only attempting to protect his citizens and land,” Trump said in a...

Citizens Beginning to Suspect Erratic Behavior in Their Leader

Citizens Beginning to Suspect Erratic Behavior in Their Leader

Following a multitude of reports regarding corruption and firebrand speeches, he immediately engages in one of his favorite activities: yelling and tweeting “Fake News!” He’s even gone so far as to focus his attacks on specific journalists. The media, is to him, the epicenter of an all-out political ‘witch hunt’, one of his favorite terms. He lies at will, he’s...

Saudi Royals on Recent U.S. Health Care Bill: ‘Well Played, Trump. Well Played.’

Saudi Royals on Recent U.S. Health Care Bill: ‘Well Played, Trump. Well Played.’

Saudi royals have tipped their hats to President Trump following the vote to repeal and replace Obamacare. Their spokesman commented, “Trump may be onto something. Honestly, we’ve always gone for the short-term solution in treating our citizens like shit, such as beheadings every Friday afternoon in Chop-Chop Square. And while we’re way ahead of ISIS in melon-slicing, it’s definitely not a long-term...

Special Report: ‘Islamic State’ Commander is a Hillbilly from Georgia
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Special Report: ‘Islamic State’ Commander is a Hillbilly from Georgia

Update, 14 July 2016: Following the confirmed death of ISIS’s ‘Minister of War’, TMB has reposted an article for a #TBT in carrot-bottom’s memory.   RAQQA, SYRIA — Abu Omar al-Shishani (the sexy one on the left in the image) is one commander in the ‘Islamic State’, also known as ISIS, ISIL, and al-Sham (dudes, pick a fucking name already!). Al-Shishani is now one...

Nationwide Face-Palming Ensues as Senior Government Official Says Israel Wants ‘More Judaism’
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Nationwide Face-Palming Ensues as Senior Government Official Says Israel Wants ‘More Judaism’

Nearly 8 million Israelis fell into the face-palm position as Minister of Parliament and Head of ‘The Jewish House’ political party proclaimed, “The people of Israel have changed and they want more Judaism, more values and more of the Land of Israel.” In one sentence, the right-wing, ultra-national shot fear into the hearts of secular Israeli Jews, Israeli Arab Muslims and Christians,...

Israel Braces Jewish Ballsack for Upcoming UN Human Rights Inquiry
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Israel Braces Jewish Ballsack for Upcoming UN Human Rights Inquiry

The State of Israel is bracing its Jewish ballsack for an upcoming UN inquiry into the 2014 war between Gaza and Israel. To keep things balanced, the UN has appointed one member from each Arab state and one collector of human heads from ISIS to participate in the inquiry. “We didn’t think it would be fair to leave anyone out,” said one...

Syria: ‘We want UN Resolutions too!’
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Syria: ‘We want UN Resolutions too!’

“Why does Israel get all of the UN’s attention?” That’s the question Syrian officials have been asking lately. “Would it kill the UN Security Council to pass a few resolutions our way? There are more UN resolutions against Israel than against North Korea, Iraq, and us combined. I mean, come on! We’ve killed 10 times more people in three years...

War to become a giant, unending game of Ping-Pong, as Israel transfers Iron Dome technology to Hamas
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War to become a giant, unending game of Ping-Pong, as Israel transfers Iron Dome technology to Hamas

A human being from the UN Human Rights Council has chastised Israel for not sharing its air defense system technology with Hamas. “Has war not always been the realm of fairness? Well, this is just unfair. What we witnessed last summer was the Israelis waging genocide against people that they force to live in tunnels. Though if we’re being honest, I’m not exactly sure what...

Cuba to Turkey: We’ll See Your Mosque and Raise You One Istanbul
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Cuba to Turkey: We’ll See Your Mosque and Raise You One Istanbul

Turkish President, Tayyip Erdogan, in an “explosive announcement” claimed that Muslims discovered America, and not Roman Catholic explorer Christopher Columbus. One Turkish observer at the announcement noted, “According to our dictator, I mean President, sorry about that, brain freeze, ‘Christopher Columbus referred to the presence of a mosque on top of a mountain in Cuba.’” Erdogan, currently in talks with...

Hamas to EU: Put us Back on Terrorism Blacklist Immediately
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Hamas to EU: Put us Back on Terrorism Blacklist Immediately

In a move that will result in a collective boner for terror organizations around the world, the EU has removed Hamas from its terror organization blacklist. To add insult to injury, Egypt, a long time foe of Hamas, has recently done the same. However, it appears that Hamas is quite dispirited with the EU’s move. “When we filed our appeal...