Rani Steelballs

Rani Steelballs is a Dodo Bird enthusiast; a deep believer in the multiverse yet a Monotheist; an Aquarius that smiles while reading his daily horoscope but vehemently denies astrology has any merit; and he is fascinated by the special relationship between American Jews and Chinese food.

His phobias include redheads, Victorian Porcelain Dolls, the Russian language, running out of cigarettes, and Israeli women that yell at him.

Steelballs currently resides in an illegally occupied town in Northern Cyprus.

 

Americans Thrilled as United Nations Headquarters to be Moved to Israel

Americans Thrilled as United Nations Headquarters to be Moved to Israel

In what many will view as a surprising move, the United Nations has voted to relocate its headquarters to Israel. According to recent U.S. polls, Americans feel that the UN has overstayed its Manhattan visit. One Alabama resident told The Mideast Beast, “Dang, they’ve been here since 1952. 51 years is long enough! Wait, what’s 2017 minus 1952?” After nearly 65 years in the heart of New York City, the UN’s Security Council voted on Israel as its next location. Many Israelis are thrilled...

‘Real News’ Agencies Slam ‘Fake News’ Sites for Spreading Inaccuracy

‘Real News’ Agencies Slam ‘Fake News’ Sites for Spreading Inaccuracy

News agencies around the world are fuming at the existence of satirical news sites, claiming they are doing grave damage to people’s knowledge of the facts. Yet, news agencies that people rely on for information regarding global events, such as Fox News and CNN (among a slew of others), have a disturbingly high percentage of incorrect fact presentation. In other words, their bullshit meter is, at times, off the fucking charts. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, a BBC official in...

Israeli Army to Invade U.S., Build Security Wall Around Oval Office if Trump Wins

Israeli Army to Invade U.S., Build Security Wall Around Oval Office if Trump Wins

JERUSALEM – With two weeks left until the new president of the United States is elected, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) is already formulating a strategy of containment for the off chance that Donald Trump wins. “Everyone thought we had it bad over the last eight years with a communist Muslim in the White House. Although, in retrospect, he actually was good to us. But Trump? We simply cannot take the chance of a President who will receive his security...

Israel Relieved as Amnesty to Focus on an Actual Problem

Israel Relieved as Amnesty to Focus on an Actual Problem

Israel’s government just breathed a collective sigh of relief following Amnesty International’s comments about the ‘Islamic State’. Recently, Amnesty took a break from its perpetual Israel-rubbernecking and stated that militants of the ‘Islamic State’ have engaged in “systematic ethnic cleansing” in Northern Iraq. Apparently, they forgot to mention Syria. “Eh, bygones,” said one expert with Amnesty. Amnesty also regurgitated its favorite phrase, that the ‘Islamic State’ is “committing war crimes,” though it’s unlikely that anyone that hasn’t been beheaded would...

Porn Brings Israeli and Palestinian Teens Together at Co-Existence Summer Camp

Porn Brings Israeli and Palestinian Teens Together at Co-Existence Summer Camp

In turns out that, of all things, porn has helped Israelis and Palestinians find common ground for peace and coexistence. Yona Cohen, a 16-year old from Jerusalem told us, “I was at one of those ‘co-existence’ camps this past summer and I was bored out my mind. Figured I’d just pass the time by watching a little porn on my iPhone. That’s when Ahmed saw what I was looking at. I thought ‘shit, now I’m in trouble’ but he leaned over and...

U.S. and Israel Totally Fuck Over ISIS With Apple Watch Gift

U.S. and Israel Totally Fuck Over ISIS With Apple Watch Gift

This week the CIA and Mossad secretly announced pleasure as ISIS operatives accepted a shipment of Apple Watch gifts from their leader, or so they thought. Along with the usual weekly shipment of head-separating equipment, top ISIS officials found a box of Apple Watches with a note saying, “Mabrouk on the hard work. Your leader presents every fighter with 18-karat Gold Case Apple Watches.” Although surprised by the gift, some ISIS members strapped them on faster than suicide vests. “When...

Following Lady Gaga, Elton John, and Queen Concerts, Gays Now Majority of Population in Tel Aviv

Following Lady Gaga, Elton John, and Queen Concerts, Gays Now Majority of Population in Tel Aviv

It’s official. Tel Aviv, one of the most liberal cities in the world, and hands down the most gay-friendly city in the Middle East and one of the most gay-friendly cities in the entire world, now contains a majority of gay citizens. At a press conference, TLV-Gay leader Yossi Dingle said, “It’s true that we’ve made huge strides in bringing about more gay rights and we’ve always been strong and hard in our thrusts in aiming for those rights, always standing erect with pride and never...

Special Report: ‘Islamic State’ Commander is a Hillbilly from Georgia

Special Report: ‘Islamic State’ Commander is a Hillbilly from Georgia

Update, 14 July 2016: Following the confirmed death of ISIS’s ‘Minister of War’, TMB has reposted an article for a #TBT in carrot-bottom’s memory.   RAQQA, SYRIA — Abu Omar al-Shishani (the sexy one on the left in the image) is one commander in the ‘Islamic State’, also known as ISIS, ISIL, and al-Sham (dudes, pick a fucking name already!). Al-Shishani is now one of the most recognizable faces on TV representing the organization. But, don’t be fooled by his name, his ‘country’ of...

Nationwide Face-Palming Ensues as Senior Government Official Says Israel Wants ‘More Judaism’

Nationwide Face-Palming Ensues as Senior Government Official Says Israel Wants ‘More Judaism’

Nearly 8 million Israelis fell into the face-palm position as Minister of Parliament and Head of ‘The Jewish House’ political party proclaimed, “The people of Israel have changed and they want more Judaism, more values and more of the Land of Israel.” In one sentence, the right-wing, ultra-national shot fear into the hearts of secular Israeli Jews, Israeli Arab Muslims and Christians, Palestinians, and pretty much anyone else who doesn’t look like Mr. Bennett in the mirror. “More Judaism?” asked one Tel...

In Exclusive Birthday Interview, Israel Says, “I’m Ready to Expand a Bit.”

In Exclusive Birthday Interview, Israel Says, “I’m Ready to Expand a Bit.”

Today is Israel’s 68th birthday and apparently he’s grown tired of his size and he’s looking to stretch his legs a bit. At least that’s what the Zionist stud told The Mideast Beast when he caught up with him for a quick interview. “Let’s be honest, I didn’t ask for this God-given role. Yet here I am, over 3,000 years later, still a hoppin’ A-list superstar. Even the haters can’t stop talking. But look at me; I’m a midget! Sorry, ‘Person of Short Stature’....

Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invades Lebanon

Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invades Lebanon

In a seismic military blunder, the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) has mistakenly invaded Lebanon. In what was meant to be a large-scale military exercise in the north, the IDF rolled right through southern Lebanon and into Beirut on Monday morning. Resistance was minimal. Apparently, Hezbollah is stretched thin, being too busy in the Clown-Killing Circus, or Syria as it’s officially referred to. When The Mideast Beast asked how such a situation could possibly occur, the IDF Chief of Staff just shrugged his shoulders and...

Tech Report: New Israeli Smartphone App Detects ‘Who Farted?’

Tech Report: New Israeli Smartphone App Detects ‘Who Farted?’

“Who farted?” Does it sound like a game? It is not a game, people. The latest focus of many Israeli techies is smartphone applications, and the newest Israeli app to hit the market – Fart Hunter – is already a massive success. The interface is simple, and it looks and acts very much like a standard compass. Simply put, when someone pulls a backdoor breeze, the digital needle points right to the perpetrator. RELATED: U.S. and Israel Totally Fuck Over ISIS...

Gazan Men Electing for ‘Islamic State’ over Hamas, Says Bored Palestinians

Gazan Men Electing for ‘Islamic State’ over Hamas, Says Bored Palestinians

In a development likely to shock no one, a number of bored young Palestinian men from Gaza have grown tired of Hamas. They’re looking for a new, exciting type of adventure and the ‘Islamic State’ provides it. Apparently, life under Hamas in Gaza has grown dull, say some Palestinians. “Sure, we still get to fire the occasional rocket, execute a bunch a guys, and once in a while watch some idiot detonate himself. But honestly, Hamas has become too politically correct...

World Health Organization Forced Valium into Israeli and Palestinian Water Supply

World Health Organization Forced Valium into Israeli and Palestinian Water Supply

TEL AVIV –  The Mideast Beast has recently discovered that The World Health Organization (WHO) has added high levels of Valium to Israelis’ and Palestinians’ water supply. If true, the move is a serious breach of national security and of international law, with some claiming it’s a form of chemical warfare. Yet, no one in Israel or Palestine seems bothered by the move. WHO spokeswoman, Dr. Jamie Gagglenuts, delivered an official and concise statement on why the WHO took such drastic steps: “the unofficial consensus within...

Facebook to Increase ‘Related Pages’ in Newsfeeds

Facebook to Increase ‘Related Pages’ in Newsfeeds

A new and totally expected move by Facebook is unlikely to shock or excite anyone. The social media giant is set to increase the amount of ‘related pages’ on users’ newsfeeds. Starting next week, and in large part thanks to Zionist control over the Internet, banks, and the media, your newsfeed will now contain even more unwanted ‘related pages’. The new program is called ‘1+1 likes’. According to one tech developer at Facebook, “the new algorithm knows when you have...

US Official: All Foreign Aid to Be Suspended…Except for Israel

US Official: All Foreign Aid to Be Suspended…Except for Israel

On Thursday Alison Merkel, a spokeswoman for the US government announced that as of August 1, 2016 all foreign assistance to all states will be suspended…except for the State of Israel. The US House Subcommittee on State, Foreign Operations, and Related Programs made the decision after consulting with the Mossad. According to Merkel, “The complexities involved in assisting so many countries is simply too complex, and we thank the Mossad for helping us to understand just how complex the complexities have truly become. It was...

Israeli Forces Attack Tel Aviv

Israeli Forces Attack Tel Aviv

On Wednesday morning, in a bizarre twist of events, Israeli forces began attacking Israel’s cultural and economic center, Tel Aviv. “We’ve always said it’s important that everyone in the region must understand the power of the IDF. Well, Israelis live in the region. Everyone means everyone.” According to one IDF colonel, “Our main focus and theatre of operations is the greater Tel Aviv area. The city is too much of a bubble – it’s not really ‘Israel’. You know, kind of like...

Natural Gas Discovery ‘Will Not Hurt Israeli Values’, Says Top 1% of Income Earners

Natural Gas Discovery ‘Will Not Hurt Israeli Values’, Says Top 1% of Income Earners

The recently discovered gas fields off the coast of Israel will most likely set the Hebrews on a course to become a major energy power in the Middle East. Following a meeting of powerful figures in Jerusalem, a number of officials were quoted on how this may change Israel. “The future export of natural gas, while certainly upping our power in the region, will not have a negative impact on Israeli values,” said one Israeli official, as he was drooling...

Facebook Weighing Ban on Anything Related to Israel-Palestine Conflict

Facebook Weighing Ban on Anything Related to Israel-Palestine Conflict

Citing server problems and widespread user ignorance, Facebook Tsar Mark Zuckerberg is reportedly contemplating a ‘total ban’ on anything related to the polarizing Israeli-Palestinian Conflict. “Look, I’m a billionaire genius and I didn’t build this social media platform for Israelis and Palestinians to post as if they’re all suffering from OCD, and certainly not for a bunch of white people outside the region who don’t know jack shit about the conflict apart from what they see on ‘nonpartisan’ news or Wikipedia,”...