Mitzi Firecracker

Mitzi Firecracker is The Mideast Beast's first female and canine writer. She is a bitch. Netanyahu stories really get her drooling; I think it’s because he’s always got balls, tough, furry balls. Tennis balls, that is.

 

VP Pence Looks to The Middle East for Women’s Rights Issues

VP Pence Looks to The Middle East for Women’s Rights Issues

Vice President-elect and Planned Parenthood nemesis Mike Pence is doggedly preparing to launch a new platform on women’s rights, viewing the Middle East as a key source of inspiration. “It should be no secret to anyone that I don’t always see eye-to-eye with ISIS or Iran,” Pence began in his yawn-inducing tone. “But when it comes to the treatment of women, we are on the same page. 100 percent.” Pence, who actually signed into law a bill requiring funerals for aborted fetuses,...

“War Day” the New “Snow Day”

“War Day” the New “Snow Day”

There’s only one thing teenagers hate more than war: school! This means that Middle Eastern kids, teens, and young people of all kinds are in luck. Not only are more than half of Syria’s kids not in school, but the universities in Iraq have now closed. Yemen? Forget about it. “It’s great! Sure, bombs are being dropped on our heads constantly, and I don’t know whether or not I’ll make it through the night dead or alive, but to be honest,...

Immigration Debate Heats Up in the Islamic State

Immigration Debate Heats Up in the Islamic State

Since Yemen’s downward spiral into Miley Cyrus levels of chaos, destruction and twerking, people are now fleeing the country, forcing the Islamic State to deal with a new problem: immigration. “We’ve always had an ‘open door’ policy with foreigners. But now that they’re coming from the South of the Caliphate rather than places like Europe, we kind of have a problem,” said one ISIS fighter, adding that he is definitely not racist. Many ISIS fighters actually almost expressed deep feelings...

State Department Upset Over Excessive ‘Euphemism Policy’

State Department Upset Over Excessive ‘Euphemism Policy’

U.S. State Department officials are feeling the heat over a new policy to increase the use of euphemisms. “I’m tapped out,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “I can’t keep trying to come up with new ways to refer to Jews, Muslims, Christians, and those crazies who actually pay for porn on the Internet.” In addition to the current policy, State Department officials are being asked to revamp their program so terms like ‘radical Islamic terrorists’ are changed to...

US State Department Endorses Hamas in Upcoming Elections

US State Department Endorses Hamas in Upcoming Elections

Now that Benjamin Netanyahu has been reelected as Israel’s Prime Minister, an outcome that the U.S. says they are absolutely not totally way upset about, the State Department has decided to endorse a party on the other side: Hamas. “We would like to extend our support to the Hamas party in Gaza’s upcoming election,” said State Department Spokeswoman Jen Psaki. “We have similar views when it comes to Iran,” she added. Hamas, Hezbollah, the Tasmanian devil, the regular devil, Voldemort,...

Marco Rubio (literally) Stands With Israel

Marco Rubio (literally) Stands With Israel

Marco Rubio (just look at that sexy smile) has a message to his fellow Republicans: “Are you Israel enough?” This week, after numerous interviews regarding his candidacy for President, Rubio posted his top five campaign issues. Standing with Israel is one of them. “Yes, I take standing by Israel very seriously,” Rubio said while jogging in place. “I’ve been training for this for months.” Saying that he was inspired by Kimye, Rubio plans on travelling to Israel soon. Once there, he...

Hamas Reaffirms Stance on Two-State Solution

Hamas Reaffirms Stance on Two-State Solution

After Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said he does not believe a two-state solution is possible, just before the last elections, Hamas decided to second that notion, stating, “We do not believe a two-state solution is possible at this time, or ever. We have never been in favor of a two-state solution. Nothing has changed.” U.S. State Department officials were quick not to condemn the remarks, calling them “whatever”, “typical Hamas!”, and “Israel’s fault”. “We’d like to applaud Hamas for...

Forget Food Stamps, Gwyneth Paltrow Takes On Middle East Challenge

Forget Food Stamps, Gwyneth Paltrow Takes On Middle East Challenge

This month, actress Gwyneth Paltrow made headlines for being skinny and blonde and also for taking on the Food Stamps Challenge, in which bored and out-of-touch celebrities try and live on the weekly food stamps budget of $29. After blowing her budget on kale and limes, Gwyneth had to quit the challenge early. (But, to be fair, eating kale would be hard even for starving African kids). Hoping to redeem herself/gain more publicity, Gwyneth will now be taking on the fun...

Passover Seder at White House “Not Awkward” At All

Passover Seder at White House “Not Awkward” At All

The timing couldn’t have been better. Just days after reaching a nuclear deal with Iran – a deal Israel says “totally sucks” – the White House held their 7th annual Passover Seder. Surprisingly, the deal didn’t even come up. No one talked about it. When asked about it, White House Press Secretary and obvious gentile Josh Earnest said, “What deal?” Most attendees said they could not possibly see a reason for it to be discussed during Passover, the holiday commemorating...

Middle East Fantasy League Becomes Increasingly Complicated

Middle East Fantasy League Becomes Increasingly Complicated

As the Middle East descends into utter warfare and chaos, political scientists and other nerds are worried that all hell will break will lose, particularly in their March Madness daft picks. “I used to be so confident. I knew who was ahead, who had the training. But then the Houthis rise to the top? Total sleepers, I swear!” said one analyst. “I’ve made some mistakes, like calling ISIS a J.V. team” admitted U.S. President Barack Obama, fan of basketball and...

Iran’s Supreme Leader to Speak Before Congress

Iran’s Supreme Leader to Speak Before Congress

Earlier this month, Benjamin Netanyahu pissed off Democrats by speaking in front of Congress about Iran’s nuclear program. He and Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner have been engaged in a hot bromance ever since. Jealous and not to be outdone, Barack Obama has requested that Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei speak before Congress in favor of negotiations. “I think people took his ‘Death to America’ remarks last week a bit too seriously. I mean, when Israel says something...

ISIS Declares Official Food Strawberry-Vanilla Yogurt

ISIS Declares Official Food Strawberry-Vanilla Yogurt

Sometimes passports just aren’t enough. When it comes to nation building, the Islamic State has amped it up to the next level: declaring their official food. “The choice was pretty obvious,” explains one ISIS member, preferring to go by the pseudonym Sharia Snacker. “Nothing says violent fundamentalist Islam like strawberry-vanilla yogurt.” The decision was unanimous. In an unrelated note, those who had been consuming lemon or lime flavored yogurt were mysteriously found dead. “They were not true aficionados of yogurt,...

Israel as a Jewish* State?

Israel as a Jewish* State?

In a clear leap forward for the sorta-kinda-maybe movement, Labor Party Chairman and punctuation mark aficionado Isaac Herzog has proposed an alternative to the Jewish State Bill: the Jewish Asterisk Bill or simply The Jewish* Bill “It’s the perfect way to affirm our identity,” said Herzog. “We’re a Jewish state. Except not really. But pretty much, yeah.” “But pretty much, no.” argue some Israelis. In the words of one grammar zealot, “No way. Asterisks are totally not me. I refuse...

Netanyahu Just Not That Into Republicans

Netanyahu Just Not That Into Republicans

The U.S. Republican Party is getting on Bibi’s nerves. “I thought it was just going to be casual,” said the Prime Minister, referring to his upcoming address to Congress. “I was just gonna stop by for a nightcap after I finished with AIPAC but now he [Republican Party Head John Boehner] is being all weird about it.” “I’m so excited!” squealed Boehner, totally not being weird about it. “All of the other Republicans are going. Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Yosemite...

Netanyahu to Host 2015 Academy Awards

Netanyahu to Host 2015 Academy Awards

In a stunning last-minute turnaround, American media icon and international celebrity Benjamin ‘Superstar’ Netanyahu will host the 2015 Oscars. “Bibi’s so hot right now,” said Academy Awards show producer Tara Trendzini, adding that the Prime Minister has that ‘Kardashian factor’. “He’s someone you just love to hate.” Accordingly, the United Nations expressed their love by calling the event a “war crime”. Hamas, ISIS, Al-Qaeda, the European Union, Iran, and that hipster psychology major that thinks he knows everything issued condemnations as...