Marcus Thunderbolt

Marcus was raised by wolves. He left for the big city after realising he just not that into ‘packs’. He considered a job as a male model but was told he was ‘ugly’ not ‘ugly in an interesting way’. Recovering from this blow he attempted to take holy orders but was rejected at the first hurdle when he got the wrong answer to the question, “Do you believe in God?”

Suffering a crisis of confidence he was easy prey for the Jewish predators at The Israeli Daily. In return for all the fresh mice he could eat (yes, it’s TRUE!!), Marcus now attempts to explain to Americans that ‘Liberal” doesn’t mean what they think it means, and that it’s impossible to be ‘Muslim’ and a ‘Communist’. However he thanks them for the idea for his first sitcom ‘Mohammed meets Marx’, premiering this spring on Fox.

 

ISIS to U.S. Republicans: “God Damnit, You Had One Job…”

ISIS to U.S. Republicans: “God Damnit, You Had One Job…”

ISIS leaders have expressed frustration with House Leader Paul Ryan, as he failed to push through the repeal of the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare). A spokesman commented, “They had one job, destroy America. And we really thought that with control of all the levers of power in D.C., we could leave them to it while we concentrated on frolicking through...

Yemen to Trump: “Look, Just Make us an Offer”

Yemen to Trump: “Look, Just Make us an Offer”

The collective population of Yemen has contacted President Trump offering him the opportunity to discuss ‘creative’ solutions to his travel ban woes. In an open letter, the 24.4 million Yemenis stated, “Look, clearly this whole writing up Executive Orders with a life expectancy higher than an Afghan wedding party on ‘drone strike Tuesdays’ is too much for you. But, as...

Palestinian President Desperately Working on Excuse to Not Visit Trump

Palestinian President Desperately Working on Excuse to Not Visit Trump

Palestinian President and PLO leader Mahmoud Abbas is, according to aides, desperately trying to think of a good excuse not to visit Washington. He received the invitation during his first phone call with President Trump this week. An aide commented, “Of course on the call he had to act all excited but after he put the receiver down he was...

White House Correspondents’ Dinner ‘Finds Better President as Guest’
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White House Correspondents’ Dinner ‘Finds Better President as Guest’

The White House Correspondents’ Dinner committee has decided on a fresh approach following President Trump’s decision to not attend this year. They extended an invitation to Iranian leader, Hassan Rouhani, the self-proclaimed ‘longtime fan of the New York Times’, and he has accepted. His spokesmen commented, “The President was deeply honored by the invitation and is already hard at work on...

Infowars.com Reports Iraqi Army Fighting to Liberate Stockholm
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Infowars.com Reports Iraqi Army Fighting to Liberate Stockholm

Alex Jones, the walking advertisement for why you really shouldn’t stay out in the sun too long, and the host of Infowars.com has reported that the elite Golden Division of the Iraqi Army is engaged in intense combat with ISIS forces in and around the Swedish capital. Heavy fighting is reported around the Ikea store in Jakobsberg, although Infowars.com correspondents...

Ghosts of Gaddafi, Hussein and Khomeini Commend Trump Press Conference

Ghosts of Gaddafi, Hussein and Khomeini Commend Trump Press Conference

Speaking from the afterlife the three, all well-known for their sometimes ‘eccentric’ public performances, confirmed that yesterday’s effort was by far the most “bat shit crazy” thing they had ever witnessed. Former Libyan president Gaddafi commented, “A lot of people said I was a ‘bit out there’ when I listed the great prophets as Mohammed, Jesus and myself. But on...

Netanyahu and Trump Have Most Uncomfortable Valentine’s Day on Record

Netanyahu and Trump Have Most Uncomfortable Valentine’s Day on Record

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has admitted to aides that he now regrets arriving in Washington during Valentine’s Day celebrations. An anonymous source stated, “The Prime Minister assumed he would be having a hotel room that provided Netflix so he could just have a chill evening, as the President would be with Melania. However, ten minutes into Love Actually he received...

Terrorist Groups Issue Rare Joint Press Release
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Terrorist Groups Issue Rare Joint Press Release

In a rare show of unity, the terrorist organizations prescribed by the US State Department issued a joint press release demanding equal acknowledgement with Muslim groups for the ‘Bowling Green Massacre.’ Kellyanne Conway couldn’t be reached for comment but the demand was undersigned:   Abu Sayyaf Group, Aum Shinrikyo, Basque Fatherland and Liberty, Gama’a al-Islamiyya, HAMAS, Harakat ul-Mujahidin, Hizballah, Kahane...

To Trump’s Delight, Israel To Replace the U.S. In NATO
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To Trump’s Delight, Israel To Replace the U.S. In NATO

Sources have confirmed that Israel will apply for NATO membership later this week, “just to see the look on people’s faces.” We caught up with the playful Zionist troublemaker, as it was preparing the documentation and sipping cocktails at its seaside retreat outside of Tel Aviv. Israel commented, “I’ve got to be honest, with this ceasefire holding with the Palestinians, I’m...

Obama Accidentally Writes Final Tweet as POTUS in Arabic
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Obama Accidentally Writes Final Tweet as POTUS in Arabic

President Obama’s outgoing communications team refused to comment officially yesterday after the President sent out a final tweet to the American people in Arabic, ‘by accident’. “I fucking knew we shouldn’t have let him loose on social media”, one aide stated off the record, “he’s never forgiven us for taking away his Blackberry.” One pundit from the Democratic Party commented,...

Syrian Cease-Fire: Less “Cease” More “Fire”
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Syrian Cease-Fire: Less “Cease” More “Fire”

Syrian government officials have admitted that they are still grappling with the finer parts of the word ‘cease-fire’, apparently something that was supposed to go into effect.  A spokesman admitted, “It’s not that we don’t like the idea in principal. Who doesn’t want to have the time for a nice cup of mint tea without fear of a mortar shell...

Israel Requests That Trump Just Chill the Hell Out

Israel Requests That Trump Just Chill the Hell Out

Middle East late comer and all round party nation, Israel, has responded cautiously to the latest tweets from the President-elect that they should “hold on” until 20 January. Approached by reporters as he relaxed poolside, Israel remarked “Is this that orange guy again? He seems really angry, like, all the time. Ok, another UN resolution against the Zionist hunk; I...

President-Elect Regrets Going Back to Intelligence Briefings

President-Elect Regrets Going Back to Intelligence Briefings

WASHINGTON D.C. — President Elect Donald Trump is beginning to wonder whether this was the best day to start receiving intelligence briefings again. 10-minutes into the session he interrupted the CIA officers to comment, “Whoa…is this a special day or something? It’s only been a week since I had to sit through one of these things. I’m, like, a smart...

The Elders of Zion Getting Mixed Signals from Trump

The Elders of Zion Getting Mixed Signals from Trump

Secret rulers of the world, The Elders of Zion, are like everyone else trying to come to grips with the incoming Trump presidency. Aaron Goldstein, dentist by day, Senior Elder of Zion for North America by night commented, “On the one hand it’s great to see he received the memo on putting us in charge of the Treasury. Fort Knox is...

Syrian Government Expresses Concern at American Junta

Syrian Government Expresses Concern at American Junta

Syrian officials have contacted the Trump presidential transition team to check up on how many generals you can have in a cabinet before it all gets a bit ‘juntaery’. A spokesman for President Assad commented, “We’re really only asking for a friend but it occurred to us that Mr. Trump might know something we don’t know about the amount of...

President Assad Demands 2014 Election Recount
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President Assad Demands 2014 Election Recount

The Syrian president and barrel bomb fanatic (gawky guy on the right) has claimed today that 500,000 people voted illegally in his 2014 sweeping election win. “Serious election irregularities have been brought to my attention regarding widespread voting fraud two years ago. Personally, this doesn’t come as a surprise as I could never understand why half a million people would...