Marcus was raised by wolves. He left for the big city after realising he just not that into ‘packs’. He considered a job as a male model but was told he was ‘ugly’ not ‘ugly in an interesting way’. Recovering from this blow he attempted to take holy orders but was rejected at the first hurdle when he got the wrong answer to the question, “Do you believe in God?”
Suffering a crisis of confidence he was easy prey for the Jewish predators at The Israeli Daily. In return for all the fresh mice he could eat (yes, it’s TRUE!!), Marcus now attempts to explain to Americans that ‘Liberal” doesn’t mean what they think it means, and that it’s impossible to be ‘Muslim’ and a ‘Communist’. However he thanks them for the idea for his first sitcom ‘Mohammed meets Marx’, premiering this spring on Fox.
Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer donned the enveloping outer garment shortly after leaving the press room for the last time. Challenged by a reporter from The New York Times he commented, “Let’s be honest over the last six months I’ve been forced to say and do some things up at the podium and in the bushes that have,...
Arab leaders meeting in Cairo yesterday confirmed their commitment that the world will end in their region and not over in that upstart North Korea. Saudi Foreign Minister Adel bin-Ahmed al-Jubeir commented, “We’ve been in the end of the world, clash of civilizations, religious smackdown business since Mohammed was in diapers. That punk ass, toilet-brush haircut, chubster Kim Jong-un can...
President Trump has broken a 20-year tradition by not hosting a White House Eid dinner this year. A spokesman for the president confirmed that the decision was taken after it was noted that there are no Middle Eastern dishes that can be enhanced by ketchup. “We looked at everything that was on offer and it became clear that the presidential...
Only 36 months since the guns fell silent after the last Israel-Gaza war, the outside world is scratching its collective head to recall what it was so worked up about. The American ambassador to the United Nations was nonplussed, “I seem to recall there were some big bangs and a lot of running around. Do they celebrate the 4th of...
A spokescow for the 4,000 animals flown into Qatar this week has pleaded that they are kept out of the growing dispute between the country and its neighbors. “We’re just here to do a job. Provide milk. We’re not Shia or Sunni, we’re dairy.” Molly Lovitt, a Holstein already in the country commented, “Of course it’s hard not to discuss...
Mideast leaders have today breathed a collective sigh of relief on knowing that the Yanks are back! Yes, just when you thought you would all have to sort your own shit out through “diplomacy”, the good ol’ U.S. of A is taking things back ‘old school’ with some 21,000 pound negotiating, as well as re-re-re-training the Iraqi Army, and like four or five...
ALEPPO, SYRIA — Following attempts to introduce a Muslim ban, then to repeal and replace Obamacare, followed by a rocky visit with NATO countries, and topping things off with Trump officially announcing America’s withdrawal from the Paris Agreement on climate change, residents of Aleppo, Syria have suggested to President Donald Trump that civil wars are not nearly as good an idea as he seems to think....
King Salman of Saudi Arabia is reportedly becoming resentful that President Trump is still in the Kingdom. “Look I gave him the shiny medal, signed the $100 billion arms deal and smiled politely as he danced like a typical, old white guy. He just needs a photo with a falcon and he’s completed the ‘US Presidential Arab Travel Special’, as...
A spokesman for the Islamic State (IS) has harshly criticized the American President after reports emerged that he had spoilt their latest plot by leaking details to the Russians. “This is really the last straw for us. No one seems to appreciate that we put a lot of effort into these missions and now we’re going to have start all...
In emotional scenes across the Middle East, secret police members came together to support ousted FBI director, and part-time Trump election campaign-enhancer, James B. Comey. In Cairo, one protestor commented, “We’re just here to show solidarity with one of our own. Egypt might have its problems, but we know that if we help keep President el-Sisi in power we can...
President Trump has suggested to his Russian comrade that a beautiful big wall would really be the best way to the ensure the proposed safe areas in Syria are really secure. A spokesman for the US president commented, “This proposal demonstrates how President Trump continues to think outside the box on issues concerning international relations. As everyone knows, contrary to the...
Following Trump’s remark that there is “no reason whatsoever” for the lack of peace between the two sides, Israelis and Palestinians have formed informal groups to provide President Trump with bullet points and colored pictures of reasons why. The meetings have occurred across the region and have been surprisingly cordial. One Israeli participant commented, “Clearly Jared has not yet had the...
Following his decision to cancel a meeting with the German Foreign Minister, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is spending the day trying to think of things that Germany may have done in the past that is anyway near as bad as talking to the groups Breaking the Silence and B’Tselem. One of his spokesmen commented, “He’s used up three entire...
Senior ISIS leadership have declared a Fatwa on the terrifying super bug currently crawling out of Africa. The Head of ISIS’ Rage Department declared, “we simply can’t stand by as this media whore of a disease takes all our publicity away. Hello!!!!! Chopping peoples heads off over here!!!! Can I get a witness?” “We are right up on the border...
After nearly three years in an Egyptian prison, charity worker Aya Hijazi, touched down in Washington this week and asked, “So did I miss anything important?” She was welcomed to the White House where she was surprised to be introduced to celebrity billionaire Mr. Donald Trump, who she assumed was there for a party to celebrate Daytime Emmy winners or...
The US military has confirmed this week that the root of all the problems in the Middle East was that there just wasn’t a big enough bomb. Until now… US Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis commented, “I’ve been looking at this issue for some time, first in my role as Commander of CENTCOM and now as a senior advisor to...
United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz is reportedly considering offering Syrian President Bashar al-Assad two million air miles and lifetime premier status in return for any left-over Sarin. Brand Management expert Elliott Alexander commented, “This is potentially a very smart move by United. Bumping paying passengers from a flight is commonplace, the real PR nightmare is when you drag them kicking and...
Jared Kushner has expressed dismay that his father in law, President Trump, insists on sending him to an active war zone whilst Donald Jr. and Eric get to hang out in Dubai Trump properties. During his trip this week to Baghdad Jared commented, “I can’t help but feel that I’m being treated like a second-class citizen, Hispanic if you will....
King Salman of Saudi Arabia has expressed his admiration for Vice President Pence’s stance on meeting with women. In a statement to The Mideast Beast, he said, “He really does have a sensible approach which really resonates here in The Kingdom. The fact that he allows them to be uncovered in his presence is a little ‘progressive’ but I wouldn’t...
Queen Elizabeth II has expressed frustration that ‘the Jewish cabal’ led by the Rothschild Family refuses to let her exercise her fondest wish to convert to Islam. Interviewed by The Mideast Beast she commented, “Alex Jones is half right when he suggests that my Muslim subjects wish me to convert. Actually, I’d do it in a heartbeat if those bloody...
