Marcus Thunderbolt

Marcus was raised by wolves. He left for the big city after realising he just not that into ‘packs’. He considered a job as a male model but was told he was ‘ugly’ not ‘ugly in an interesting way’. Recovering from this blow he attempted to take holy orders but was rejected at the first hurdle when he got the wrong answer to the question, “Do you believe in God?”

Suffering a crisis of confidence he was easy prey for the Jewish predators at The Israeli Daily. In return for all the fresh mice he could eat (yes, it’s TRUE!!), Marcus now attempts to explain to Americans that ‘Liberal” doesn’t mean what they think it means, and that it’s impossible to be ‘Muslim’ and a ‘Communist’. However he thanks them for the idea for his first sitcom ‘Mohammed meets Marx’, premiering this spring on Fox.

 

Saudi King to Trump: “Thanks, You Can Go Now.”

Saudi King to Trump: “Thanks, You Can Go Now.”

King Salman of Saudi Arabia is reportedly becoming resentful that President Trump is still in the Kingdom. “Look I gave him the shiny medal, signed the $100 billion arms deal and smiled politely as he danced like a typical, old white guy. He just needs a photo with a falcon and he’s completed the ‘US Presidential Arab Travel Special’, as we call it. So why the hell is he still here? I thought he was supposed to be going to...

Islamic State: “Can’t Anyone Keep a Damn Secret Anymore?”

Islamic State: “Can’t Anyone Keep a Damn Secret Anymore?”

A spokesman for the Islamic State (IS) has harshly criticized the American President after reports emerged that he had spoilt their latest plot by leaking details to the Russians. “This is really the last straw for us. No one seems to appreciate that we put a lot of effort into these missions and now we’re going to have start all over. And who’s going to be the one to tell Ahmed that he won’t be joining 72 virgins in heaven...

Middle East Breathes Sigh of Relief as Trump Concentrates on China

Middle East Breathes Sigh of Relief as Trump Concentrates on China

The region voted most likely to bring about The End of Days since 1948 breathed easy the other day as President Trump pivoted his Twitter diplomacy in an Asian direction. A Saudi diplomat commented, “For a moment there we thought he was going to start giving us some grief over the oil prices or the cluster fuck of the month that is Yemen. But luckily it appears that he thought it would be more fun to provoke another nuclear power.” Israeli commentator...

Secret Police Across the Middle East Hold Solidarity Rally for Comey

Secret Police Across the Middle East Hold Solidarity Rally for Comey

In emotional scenes across the Middle East, secret police members came together to support ousted FBI director, and part-time Trump election campaign-enhancer, James B. Comey. In Cairo, one protestor commented, “We’re just here to show solidarity with one of our own. Egypt might have its problems, but we know that if we help keep President el-Sisi in power we can expect nice uniforms, fat pensions, and all the tear gas we could ever use. Loyalty is a two-way street.” The...

World Wakes to Shocking News: ‘Not Everything is About Israel’

World Wakes to Shocking News: ‘Not Everything is About Israel’

Citizens around the world, especially Israelis, are waking up this morning to the shocking news that not everything going on in the world involves and revolves around Israel. International developments for which Israelis have no involvement include: Accelerating spread of Ebola through West Africa and other parts of the world. This apparently was not caused by a dropped test tube in a secret chemical warfare lab in the Negev desert. Gun violence in America is not instigated by Mossad black operations units working alongside special...

Trump Offers Wall Around Syrian Safe Areas

Trump Offers Wall Around Syrian Safe Areas

President Trump has suggested to his Russian comrade that a beautiful big wall would really be the best way to the ensure the proposed safe areas in Syria are really secure. A spokesman for the US president commented, “This proposal demonstrates how President Trump continues to think outside the box on issues concerning international relations. As everyone knows, contrary to the FAKE MEDIA, the border wall with Mexico is right on track. In fact, we think we can get it done...

New Hamas Charter Just the Lyrics to “Imagine”

New Hamas Charter Just the Lyrics to “Imagine”

A Hamas spokesman has confirmed that the organization’s latest policy document will consist solely of the lyrics of the 1971 John Lennon smash hit “Imagine.” Fawzi Barhoum commented, “We recognize that our original 1988 Charter has put a lot of people off. For a long time, we thought it was just annoying to the Jews that we wanted to drive them all into the sea. But apparently, that kind of thinking was not ‘groovy’, and we accept that now.” “And...

Israelis and Palestinians Draw Up Bullet Points and Colored Pictures for Trump

Israelis and Palestinians Draw Up Bullet Points and Colored Pictures for Trump

Following Trump’s remark that there is “no reason whatsoever” for the lack of peace between the two sides, Israelis and Palestinians have formed informal groups to provide President Trump with bullet points and colored pictures of reasons why. The meetings have occurred across the region and have been surprisingly cordial. One Israeli participant commented, “Clearly Jared has not yet had the chance to report back to his father-in-law on some potential issues. So, in the interests of full transparency, we’ve drawn...

Netanyahu: “Germany Talking to Human Rights Groups is the Worst Thing They’ve Ever Done”

Netanyahu: “Germany Talking to Human Rights Groups is the Worst Thing They’ve Ever Done”

Following his decision to cancel a meeting with the German Foreign Minister, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is spending the day trying to think of things that Germany may have done in the past that is anyway near as bad as talking to the groups Breaking the Silence and B’Tselem. One of his spokesmen commented, “He’s used up three entire legal pads already, just full of doodles and crossed out stuff. Frankly, he seems to have had a complete brain...

ISIS Declares War on Ebola for Stealing Headlines

ISIS Declares War on Ebola for Stealing Headlines

Senior ISIS leadership have declared a Fatwa on the terrifying super bug currently crawling out of Africa. The Head of ISIS’ Rage Department declared, “we simply can’t stand by as this media whore of a disease takes all our publicity away. Hello!!!!! Chopping peoples heads off over here!!!! Can I get a witness?” “We are right up on the border with Turkey, just moments away from dragging a NATO nation into a ground war with us, and still in some...

Aya Hijazi: “So Did I Miss Much?”

Aya Hijazi: “So Did I Miss Much?”

After nearly three years in an Egyptian prison, charity worker Aya Hijazi, touched down in Washington this week and asked, “So did I miss anything important?” She was welcomed to the White House where she was surprised to be introduced to celebrity billionaire Mr. Donald Trump, who she assumed was there for a party to celebrate Daytime Emmy winners or perhaps to get roasted again at the Correspondence Dinner They were thirty minutes into a stilted conversation about how the...

America Solves Middle East Crisis with Really, Really Big Bombs

America Solves Middle East Crisis with Really, Really Big Bombs

The US military has confirmed this week that the root of all the problems in the Middle East was that there just wasn’t a big enough bomb. Until now… US Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis commented, “I’ve been looking at this issue for some time, first in my role as Commander of CENTCOM and now as a senior advisor to the Toddler-in-Chief. And the conclusion I’ve come to is that we just weren’t dropping big enough bombs. This was really...

United Airlines Doubling Down With Syrian Deal

United Airlines Doubling Down With Syrian Deal

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz is reportedly considering offering Syrian President Bashar al-Assad two million air miles and lifetime premier status in return for any left-over Sarin. Brand Management expert Elliott Alexander commented, “This is potentially a very smart move by United. Bumping paying passengers from a flight is commonplace, the real PR nightmare is when you drag them kicking and screaming down the airplane aisle. Imagine an environment where they were limp and uncomplaining. Win!” “It also opens a lot...

Jared Kushner Not Sure What He Did to Deserve This

Jared Kushner Not Sure What He Did to Deserve This

Jared Kushner has expressed dismay that his father in law, President Trump, insists on sending him to an active war zone whilst Donald Jr. and Eric get to hang out in Dubai Trump properties. During his trip this week to Baghdad Jared commented, “I can’t help but feel that I’m being treated like a second-class citizen, Hispanic if you will. And I don’t like it. The President’s sons are busy bringing back 1980s power business dressing across the Gulf, whilst...

Saudi King to Mike Pence: “You can be my VP Anytime.”

Saudi King to Mike Pence: “You can be my VP Anytime.”

King Salman of Saudi Arabia has expressed his admiration for Vice President Pence’s stance on meeting with women. In a statement to The Mideast Beast, he said, “He really does have a sensible approach which really resonates here in The Kingdom. The fact that he allows them to be uncovered in his presence is a little ‘progressive’ but I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s just something to pacify the ‘libtards’.” Aryeh Deri, Chairman of Shas, the ultra-Orthodox political party of...

Queen Admits: “The Rothschilds Won’t Let Me Be a Muslim”

Queen Admits: “The Rothschilds Won’t Let Me Be a Muslim”

Queen Elizabeth II has expressed frustration that ‘the Jewish cabal’ led by the Rothschild Family refuses to let her exercise her fondest wish to convert to Islam. Interviewed by The Mideast Beast she commented, “Alex Jones is half right when he suggests that my Muslim subjects wish me to convert. Actually, I’d do it in a heartbeat if those bloody Jews would let me. But what can you do when they own the Bank of England? One is rather fond...

ISIS to U.S. Republicans: “God Damnit, You Had One Job…”

ISIS to U.S. Republicans: “God Damnit, You Had One Job…”

ISIS leaders have expressed frustration with House Leader Paul Ryan, as he failed to push through the repeal of the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare). A spokesman commented, “They had one job, destroy America. And we really thought that with control of all the levers of power in D.C., we could leave them to it while we concentrated on frolicking through the Levant with the sort of glee you’ve only seen before with President Trump pretending to drive a Mack truck.”...

Syria Furious Africans Receive Coveted Last Place in ‘World Happiness Report’

Syria Furious Africans Receive Coveted Last Place in ‘World Happiness Report’

Syrians have reacted angrily to the latest World Happiness Report that places them as only the fourth saddest place in the world, trailing Tanzania, Burundi and the Central African Republic. A spokesman for the Syrian government commented, “Tanzania has the Serengeti for fuck’s sake. How can you be sad when you’ve got lions to look at? I think we had some lions in the Damascus zoo, but we ate them. Doesn’t get sadder than that.” The disbelief is shared on...

Yemen to Trump: “Look, Just Make us an Offer”

Yemen to Trump: “Look, Just Make us an Offer”

The collective population of Yemen has contacted President Trump offering him the opportunity to discuss ‘creative’ solutions to his travel ban woes. In an open letter, the 24.4 million Yemenis stated, “Look, clearly this whole writing up Executive Orders with a life expectancy higher than an Afghan wedding party on ‘drone strike Tuesdays’ is too much for you. But, as we only have a GDP per capita of 1,400 bucks, we’re sure we can come to some sort of deal....

Palestinian President Desperately Working on Excuse to Not Visit Trump

Palestinian President Desperately Working on Excuse to Not Visit Trump

Palestinian President and PLO leader Mahmoud Abbas is, according to aides, desperately trying to think of a good excuse not to visit Washington. He received the invitation during his first phone call with President Trump this week. An aide commented, “Of course on the call he had to act all excited but after he put the receiver down he was all like ‘what the fuck are we going to do now?’ We all watched Bibi’s visit and we really don’t...