Marcus Thunderbolt

Marcus was raised by wolves. He left for the big city after realising he just not that into ‘packs’. He considered a job as a male model but was told he was ‘ugly’ not ‘ugly in an interesting way’. Recovering from this blow he attempted to take holy orders but was rejected at the first hurdle when he got the wrong answer to the question, “Do you believe in God?”

Suffering a crisis of confidence he was easy prey for the Jewish predators at The Israeli Daily. In return for all the fresh mice he could eat (yes, it’s TRUE!!), Marcus now attempts to explain to Americans that ‘Liberal” doesn’t mean what they think it means, and that it’s impossible to be ‘Muslim’ and a ‘Communist’. However he thanks them for the idea for his first sitcom ‘Mohammed meets Marx’, premiering this spring on Fox.

 

ISIS to Sue Texas over ‘Biblical’ Hurricane Harvey

ISIS to Sue Texas over ‘Biblical’ Hurricane Harvey

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has instructed lawyers to commence legal action against the state of Texas. A letter sent to Governor Greg Abbott outlines the case, “Our client objects to your attempts to take on the mantle of the birthplace of the ‘end of days’ with your so-called ‘biblical’ flood. It is a well-established fact that the end of the world will only commence within the confines of our region. Read your bible, people!” A spokesperson for the terror...

Egyptian Authorities Confusing Homosexuals With ISIS

Egyptian Authorities Confusing Homosexuals With ISIS

Egyptian Authorities admit that they find it difficult to tell the difference between gay men and ISIS members. One puzzled Egyptian Border guard said, “it’s harder to tell the difference than you might think. We were responding to reports of a bunch of men infiltrating our country via the Nile. It didn’t seem unreasonable to think they might have floated around from the coast of Syria, as those Zionists are notoriously relaxed about such activities.” “When we arrived on the scene we...

Saudi Arabia Planning Least Exciting Resort Ever

Saudi Arabia Planning Least Exciting Resort Ever

The Saudi Arabian government has admitted to being disappointed at the public reaction to its plans for a new tourist resort on islands in the Red Sea. One blogger commented, “So what you’re saying is it will be like lying on a beach in Dubai but without the two-for-one cocktail hour. Or like lying on the beach in Tel Aviv but with all the girls covered in black sheets. You’re not really selling this to me.” Another said, “I appreciate...

US Senate Confirms Iran Much Easier Than Health Care

US Senate Confirms Iran Much Easier Than Health Care

The 98-2 United States Senate vote to impose new sanctions on Iran has confirmed once and for all that Middle Eastern international relations is tons easier than health care. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell commented earlier today, “Many people have suggested that on health care reform we choked bigger than the Boston Red Sox, but those guys can kiss my throat pouch. As President Trump so wisely tweeted just the other day, health reform is hard. And if the President...

Iranian State TV: Actually, We’re Lit AF On Air

Iranian State TV: Actually, We’re Lit AF On Air

A spokesman for Iranian state television has confirmed that its presenters are buzzed pretty much all the time. “It’s pretty much the only way they can get through a show without breaking down. To be fair how do you think you would cope if each night you had to lead with stories on how terrible the great Satan is and their lap dog the little Satan. And you can’t keep straight whether the little Satan is Israel this week or...

Sean Spicer Dons Burka

Sean Spicer Dons Burka

Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer donned the enveloping outer garment shortly after leaving the press room for the last time. Challenged by a reporter from The New York Times he commented, “Let’s be honest over the last six months I’ve been forced to say and do some things up at the podium and in the bushes that have, shall we say, not been my finest moments. So, this seems like the right time to make a change and...

Arab Leaders Confirm: The World Will End When We Say

Arab Leaders Confirm: The World Will End When We Say

Arab leaders meeting in Cairo yesterday confirmed their commitment that the world will end in their region and not over in that upstart North Korea. Saudi Foreign Minister Adel bin-Ahmed al-Jubeir commented, “We’ve been in the end of the world, clash of civilizations, religious smackdown business since Mohammed was in diapers. That punk ass, toilet-brush haircut, chubster Kim Jong-un can suck on a camel if he thinks he gets to jump the queue by threatening Alaska. Alaska? Yeah, you go...

Trump on Eid Dinner: “I’m Only Going If There’s Ketchup”

Trump on Eid Dinner: “I’m Only Going If There’s Ketchup”

President Trump has broken a 20-year tradition by not hosting a White House Eid dinner this year. A spokesman for the president confirmed that the decision was taken after it was noted that there are no Middle Eastern dishes that can be enhanced by ketchup. “We looked at everything that was on offer and it became clear that the presidential desire to add his favorite tomato based condiment to everything, was not going to work in this case. It’s true...

No One Can Remember What All the Fuss Was About

No One Can Remember What All the Fuss Was About

Only 36 months since the guns fell silent after the last Israel-Gaza war, the outside world is scratching its collective head to recall what it was so worked up about. The American ambassador to the United Nations was nonplussed, “I seem to recall there were some big bangs and a lot of running around. Do they celebrate the 4th of July over there?” Globally, journalists were scrolling back through the archives to remind themselves where the hell they were that summer....

Cows Demand to be Kept Out of Gulf Dispute

Cows Demand to be Kept Out of Gulf Dispute

A spokescow for the 4,000 animals flown into Qatar this week has pleaded that they are kept out of the growing dispute between the country and its neighbors. “We’re just here to do a job. Provide milk. We’re not Shia or Sunni, we’re dairy.” Molly Lovitt, a Holstein already in the country commented, “Of course it’s hard not to discuss the crisis when you’re all standing in line being milked, but we try to keep things civil. Personally, I think...

Mossad Confirms: Jeremy Corbyn Probably Not That Big a Deal

Mossad Confirms: Jeremy Corbyn Probably Not That Big a Deal

Sources within Mossad, Israel’s national intelligence agency, have confirmed to The Mideast Beast that it has better things to worry about than British Opposition Leader, Jeremy Corbyn and that on balance he isn’t the biggest existential threat to the State of Israel. “Iran continues to race towards possession of nuclear weapons, ISIS is still around, and the Egyptian security forces are taking out their frustrations on Mexican tourists. So with all that in mind we don’t consider the ramblings of some old socialist to...

Everyone Excited to See Americans Back in the Mideast

Everyone Excited to See Americans Back in the Mideast

Mideast leaders have today breathed a collective sigh of relief on knowing that the Yanks are back! Yes, just when you thought you would all have to sort your own shit out through “diplomacy”, the good ol’ U.S. of A is taking things back ‘old school’ with some 21,000 pound negotiating, as well as re-re-re-training the Iraqi Army, and like four or five Syrian rebels. David Itay, Professor of International Dabbling and Meddling at the University of Tel Aviv was thrilled, “we’ve all...

Trump Furious at His Low Ranking in Threat to World Peace

Trump Furious at His Low Ranking in Threat to World Peace

WASHINGTON D.C. — Donald Trump has reacted with fury at being rated as an equal threat to world peace as the rise of jihadi terrorism, in an Economist Intelligence Unit report. In a statement to the press he said; “I’ve always been a winner, just like America, and I won’t accept equal place with a bunch of guys that frankly I couldn’t even point to on a map. And I refuse to learn more, because learning is for losers.” He...

Syrian Civilians to Trump: “Civil War Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be”

Syrian Civilians to Trump: “Civil War Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be”

ALEPPO, SYRIA — Following attempts to introduce a Muslim ban, then to repeal and replace Obamacare, followed by a rocky visit with NATO countries, and topping things off with Trump officially announcing America’s withdrawal from the Paris Agreement on climate change, residents of Aleppo, Syria have suggested to President Donald Trump that civil wars are not nearly as good an idea as he seems to think. “Hey look, I was never a fan of Hillary,” said Dr. Ahmed during a hasty cigarette break between his job...

ISIS Disables Comments Section on Website Stating, “Too Much Hate”

ISIS Disables Comments Section on Website Stating, “Too Much Hate”

ISIS Head of Social Media, Aaban Noori confirmed yesterday that the head chopping social club will be disabling the comments section on their official website. “Our moderators were just overwhelmed trying to keep order,” he stated. “There’s clearly something about the anonymity of the internet that brings out the worst in people. Keyboard warriors are so insensitive. Just yesterday we posted a nice video of our guys marching along with some really cool music playing and the comments section just lit...

Saudi King to Trump: “Thanks, You Can Go Now.”

Saudi King to Trump: “Thanks, You Can Go Now.”

King Salman of Saudi Arabia is reportedly becoming resentful that President Trump is still in the Kingdom. “Look I gave him the shiny medal, signed the $100 billion arms deal and smiled politely as he danced like a typical, old white guy. He just needs a photo with a falcon and he’s completed the ‘US Presidential Arab Travel Special’, as we call it. So why the hell is he still here? I thought he was supposed to be going to...

Islamic State: “Can’t Anyone Keep a Damn Secret Anymore?”

Islamic State: “Can’t Anyone Keep a Damn Secret Anymore?”

A spokesman for the Islamic State (IS) has harshly criticized the American President after reports emerged that he had spoilt their latest plot by leaking details to the Russians. “This is really the last straw for us. No one seems to appreciate that we put a lot of effort into these missions and now we’re going to have start all over. And who’s going to be the one to tell Ahmed that he won’t be joining 72 virgins in heaven...

Middle East Breathes Sigh of Relief as Trump Concentrates on China

Middle East Breathes Sigh of Relief as Trump Concentrates on China

The region voted most likely to bring about The End of Days since 1948 breathed easy the other day as President Trump pivoted his Twitter diplomacy in an Asian direction. A Saudi diplomat commented, “For a moment there we thought he was going to start giving us some grief over the oil prices or the cluster fuck of the month that is Yemen. But luckily it appears that he thought it would be more fun to provoke another nuclear power.” Israeli commentator...

Secret Police Across the Middle East Hold Solidarity Rally for Comey

Secret Police Across the Middle East Hold Solidarity Rally for Comey

In emotional scenes across the Middle East, secret police members came together to support ousted FBI director, and part-time Trump election campaign-enhancer, James B. Comey. In Cairo, one protestor commented, “We’re just here to show solidarity with one of our own. Egypt might have its problems, but we know that if we help keep President el-Sisi in power we can expect nice uniforms, fat pensions, and all the tear gas we could ever use. Loyalty is a two-way street.” The...

World Wakes to Shocking News: ‘Not Everything is About Israel’

World Wakes to Shocking News: ‘Not Everything is About Israel’

Citizens around the world, especially Israelis, are waking up this morning to the shocking news that not everything going on in the world involves and revolves around Israel. International developments for which Israelis have no involvement include: Accelerating spread of Ebola through West Africa and other parts of the world. This apparently was not caused by a dropped test tube in a secret chemical warfare lab in the Negev desert. Gun violence in America is not instigated by Mossad black operations units working alongside special...