Marcus Thunderbolt

Marcus was raised by wolves. He left for the big city after realising he just not that into ‘packs’. He considered a job as a male model but was told he was ‘ugly’ not ‘ugly in an interesting way’. Recovering from this blow he attempted to take holy orders but was rejected at the first hurdle when he got the wrong answer to the question, “Do you believe in God?”

Suffering a crisis of confidence he was easy prey for the Jewish predators at The Israeli Daily. In return for all the fresh mice he could eat (yes, it’s TRUE!!), Marcus now attempts to explain to Americans that ‘Liberal” doesn’t mean what they think it means, and that it’s impossible to be ‘Muslim’ and a ‘Communist’. However he thanks them for the idea for his first sitcom ‘Mohammed meets Marx’, premiering this spring on Fox.

 

ISIS Declares War on Ebola for Stealing Headlines

ISIS Declares War on Ebola for Stealing Headlines

Senior ISIS leadership have declared a Fatwa on the terrifying super bug currently crawling out of Africa. The Head of ISIS’ Rage Department declared, “we simply can’t stand by as this media whore of a disease takes all our publicity away. Hello!!!!! Chopping peoples heads off over here!!!! Can I get a witness?” “We are right up on the border with Turkey, just moments away from dragging a NATO nation into a ground war with us, and still in some...

Aya Hijazi: “So Did I Miss Much?”

Aya Hijazi: “So Did I Miss Much?”

After nearly three years in an Egyptian prison, charity worker Aya Hijazi, touched down in Washington this week and asked, “So did I miss anything important?” She was welcomed to the White House where she was surprised to be introduced to celebrity billionaire Mr. Donald Trump, who she assumed was there for a party to celebrate Daytime Emmy winners or perhaps to get roasted again at the Correspondence Dinner They were thirty minutes into a stilted conversation about how the...

America Solves Middle East Crisis with Really, Really Big Bombs

America Solves Middle East Crisis with Really, Really Big Bombs

The US military has confirmed this week that the root of all the problems in the Middle East was that there just wasn’t a big enough bomb. Until now… US Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis commented, “I’ve been looking at this issue for some time, first in my role as Commander of CENTCOM and now as a senior advisor to the Toddler-in-Chief. And the conclusion I’ve come to is that we just weren’t dropping big enough bombs. This was really...

United Airlines Doubling Down With Syrian Deal

United Airlines Doubling Down With Syrian Deal

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz is reportedly considering offering Syrian President Bashar al-Assad two million air miles and lifetime premier status in return for any left-over Sarin. Brand Management expert Elliott Alexander commented, “This is potentially a very smart move by United. Bumping paying passengers from a flight is commonplace, the real PR nightmare is when you drag them kicking and screaming down the airplane aisle. Imagine an environment where they were limp and uncomplaining. Win!” “It also opens a lot...

Jared Kushner Not Sure What He Did to Deserve This

Jared Kushner Not Sure What He Did to Deserve This

Jared Kushner has expressed dismay that his father in law, President Trump, insists on sending him to an active war zone whilst Donald Jr. and Eric get to hang out in Dubai Trump properties. During his trip this week to Baghdad Jared commented, “I can’t help but feel that I’m being treated like a second-class citizen, Hispanic if you will. And I don’t like it. The President’s sons are busy bringing back 1980s power business dressing across the Gulf, whilst...

Saudi King to Mike Pence: “You can be my VP Anytime.”

Saudi King to Mike Pence: “You can be my VP Anytime.”

King Salman of Saudi Arabia has expressed his admiration for Vice President Pence’s stance on meeting with women. In a statement to The Mideast Beast, he said, “He really does have a sensible approach which really resonates here in The Kingdom. The fact that he allows them to be uncovered in his presence is a little ‘progressive’ but I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s just something to pacify the ‘libtards’.” Aryeh Deri, Chairman of Shas, the ultra-Orthodox political party of...

Queen Admits: “The Rothschilds Won’t Let Me Be a Muslim”

Queen Admits: “The Rothschilds Won’t Let Me Be a Muslim”

Queen Elizabeth II has expressed frustration that ‘the Jewish cabal’ led by the Rothschild Family refuses to let her exercise her fondest wish to convert to Islam. Interviewed by The Mideast Beast she commented, “Alex Jones is half right when he suggests that my Muslim subjects wish me to convert. Actually, I’d do it in a heartbeat if those bloody Jews would let me. But what can you do when they own the Bank of England? One is rather fond...

ISIS to U.S. Republicans: “God Damnit, You Had One Job…”

ISIS to U.S. Republicans: “God Damnit, You Had One Job…”

ISIS leaders have expressed frustration with House Leader Paul Ryan, as he failed to push through the repeal of the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare). A spokesman commented, “They had one job, destroy America. And we really thought that with control of all the levers of power in D.C., we could leave them to it while we concentrated on frolicking through the Levant with the sort of glee you’ve only seen before with President Trump pretending to drive a Mack truck.”...

Syria Furious Africans Receive Coveted Last Place in ‘World Happiness Report’

Syria Furious Africans Receive Coveted Last Place in ‘World Happiness Report’

Syrians have reacted angrily to the latest World Happiness Report that places them as only the fourth saddest place in the world, trailing Tanzania, Burundi and the Central African Republic. A spokesman for the Syrian government commented, “Tanzania has the Serengeti for fuck’s sake. How can you be sad when you’ve got lions to look at? I think we had some lions in the Damascus zoo, but we ate them. Doesn’t get sadder than that.” The disbelief is shared on...

Yemen to Trump: “Look, Just Make us an Offer”

Yemen to Trump: “Look, Just Make us an Offer”

The collective population of Yemen has contacted President Trump offering him the opportunity to discuss ‘creative’ solutions to his travel ban woes. In an open letter, the 24.4 million Yemenis stated, “Look, clearly this whole writing up Executive Orders with a life expectancy higher than an Afghan wedding party on ‘drone strike Tuesdays’ is too much for you. But, as we only have a GDP per capita of 1,400 bucks, we’re sure we can come to some sort of deal....

Palestinian President Desperately Working on Excuse to Not Visit Trump

Palestinian President Desperately Working on Excuse to Not Visit Trump

Palestinian President and PLO leader Mahmoud Abbas is, according to aides, desperately trying to think of a good excuse not to visit Washington. He received the invitation during his first phone call with President Trump this week. An aide commented, “Of course on the call he had to act all excited but after he put the receiver down he was all like ‘what the fuck are we going to do now?’ We all watched Bibi’s visit and we really don’t...

Mossad Admits to Wiretapping Trump “For Giggles”

Mossad Admits to Wiretapping Trump “For Giggles”

Israel’s national intelligence agency, Mossad, has admitted they were behind the wiretapping of the Trump presidential team, but stressed that they were only doing it “for shits and giggles”. Speaking anonymously, a spokesman for the agency commented, “Hands up yes it was us, not Obama. That guy is way too straight-laced for this. But I want to stress it was just some of the guys breaking the monotony of a quiet midweek evening. You’d be surprised how many of those...

Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes

Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes

In a recent military ceremony, Chief of Israel Defense Force (IDF) Ground Forces Command handed out medals to several IDF soldiers following the successful repatriation of two lost camels to Palestine. “This was a complex operation where there was the very real danger that these brave men and women could have resorted to any number of juvenile jokes relating to camels, their owners, and the potential of a close relationship between the two. It is a tribute to them that there was...

White House Correspondents’ Dinner ‘Finds Better President as Guest’

White House Correspondents’ Dinner ‘Finds Better President as Guest’

The White House Correspondents’ Dinner committee has decided on a fresh approach following President Trump’s decision to not attend this year. They extended an invitation to Iranian leader, Hassan Rouhani, the self-proclaimed ‘longtime fan of the New York Times’, and he has accepted. His spokesmen commented, “The President was deeply honored by the invitation and is already hard at work on his speech, which I can assure you is going to be full of ‘zingers’. He recognizes the religious leanings of...

Infowars.com Reports Iraqi Army Fighting to Liberate Stockholm

Infowars.com Reports Iraqi Army Fighting to Liberate Stockholm

Alex Jones, the walking advertisement for why you really shouldn’t stay out in the sun too long, and the host of Infowars.com has reported that the elite Golden Division of the Iraqi Army is engaged in intense combat with ISIS forces in and around the Swedish capital. Heavy fighting is reported around the Ikea store in Jakobsberg, although Infowars.com correspondents may be confusing this with the normal Sunday afternoon rush to get reasonably priced homeware bargains. President Trump has directed...

Iranian President to be Roasted at White House Correspondents’ Dinner

Iranian President to be Roasted at White House Correspondents’ Dinner

Iranian leader, Hassan Rouhani, has accepted an invitation to be the guest of honor at this year’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner. His spokesmen commented, “The President was deeply honored by the invitation and is already hard at work on his speech, which I can assure you is going to be full of ‘zingers’. He recognizes the religious leanings of his audience so he’ll be limiting the Zionist jibes and will only be telling one holocaust joke. But that will be the...

Ghosts of Gaddafi, Hussein and Khomeini Commend Trump Press Conference

Ghosts of Gaddafi, Hussein and Khomeini Commend Trump Press Conference

Speaking from the afterlife the three, all well-known for their sometimes ‘eccentric’ public performances, confirmed that yesterday’s effort was by far the most “bat shit crazy” thing they had ever witnessed. Former Libyan president Gaddafi commented, “A lot of people said I was a ‘bit out there’ when I listed the great prophets as Mohammed, Jesus and myself. But on the other hand, I never believed that my good TV ratings made me a ‘good person.’ I mean I wasn’t...

Netanyahu and Trump Have Most Uncomfortable Valentine’s Day on Record

Netanyahu and Trump Have Most Uncomfortable Valentine’s Day on Record

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has admitted to aides that he now regrets arriving in Washington during Valentine’s Day celebrations. An anonymous source stated, “The Prime Minister assumed he would be having a hotel room that provided Netflix so he could just have a chill evening, as the President would be with Melania. However, ten minutes into Love Actually he received an invitation to the White House.” “An hour later he’s sitting in the President’s Dining Room enjoying a steak dinner...

Jared Kushner Best Person to Bring Peace to the Middle East, Assuming No One Else Available

Jared Kushner Best Person to Bring Peace to the Middle East, Assuming No One Else Available

Regional experts have confirmed that President Trump’s son-in-law is by far the best person to solve the myriad of interlocking and long-standing challenges in the Middle East, if every other possible candidate has been ruled out first. Owen Adams of the Institute of Bastard Problems That Just Won’t Go Away stated, “Yeah sure why not Mr. Kushner. I guess Juan Manuel Santos just wanted to keep on being President of Colombia after negotiating a peace deal with the FARC. And former...

The Islamic State Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

The Islamic State Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State (IS) has confirmed new rewards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re just willing to suspend critical thinking for a bit, and basically be a complete shithead.’” “Actually to be honest we don’t vocalize...