Mantooth Gadfly

 

U.S. Democrats Seek Tips from Hamas on “Resisting Occupation”

U.S. Democrats Seek Tips from Hamas on “Resisting Occupation”

Following the surprise election of Donald Trump to be the country’s first ever hybrid President/CEO, the leaders of the Democratic Party have entered into an agreement with Hamas to receive training in armed resistance to an occupying power. ISIS could not be reached for comment, although it is understood that they were the second-lowest bidder behind the Palestinian amateur rocketeers. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer told The Mideast Beast, “The Republicans have taken our land!  They are occupiers and must be made...

ISIS Leader Suffers Gender Identity Crisis, Demands to be Called ‘Amy’

ISIS Leader Suffers Gender Identity Crisis, Demands to be Called ‘Amy’

Fresh off a string of stunning battlefield failures, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has locked himself in his room and refuses to come out.  Mr. and Mrs. al-Baghdadi are at a loss for how to deal with their increasingly distant and willful son, the new Caliph of the Islamic State. “It began when he turned 13, and we didn’t give him a bat mitzvah. But it’s because we aren’t Jewish, not that we don’t love him, but he insisted that...

ISIS Redirects Fighters to Battle Climate Change

ISIS Redirects Fighters to Battle Climate Change

ISIS spokesman Abdullah da-Mullah has announced the cessation of military operations against the infidels (i.e. the world), in order to focus on a more deadly threat to the Islamic Caliphate. “We have directed our forces to halt their advance in both Iraq and Syria immediately.  All offensive units have been given new orders as of this morning,” said da-Mullah.  “The Islamic State is committing all its resources to the defeat of climate change.” Mr. da-Mullah then drew his scimitar and...

ISIS Suspends Operations Amid Concerns over Environmental Impact

ISIS Suspends Operations Amid Concerns over Environmental Impact

The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) has announced suspension of offensive operations throughout the Near East, amid concerns over environmental impact on sensitive desert ecosystems. “I just LOVE those guys!” gushed Samantha Gulk, the Executive Director of the World Wildlife Federation (WWF). “They get it!  They really get it!” It is unclear if Ms. Gulk’s statement referred only to this recent move by ISIS, or was focused on the broader collaborative effort of the WWF and ISIS to rid the...

Hillary Clinton Denies Having a Jewish Heritage; Admits to “Slight Resemblance”

Hillary Clinton Denies Having a Jewish Heritage; Admits to “Slight Resemblance”

Former First Lady and Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton categorically denied being a member of the Chosen People of God over the weekend, saying, “I know I have the nose for it, and perhaps even the temperament, but I am in no way connected to those Jews.” Speaking at a ‘Friends of Saudi Arabia’ fundraiser, the former Secretary of State cited example after example of her personal ill-will toward the descendants of Abraham and Sarah. “Truth be told, I’ve always been more...

Homeland Security Official: “Words are Just Collections of Letters.”

Homeland Security Official: “Words are Just Collections of Letters.”

The U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS) announced a policy revision that redefines the Webster’s Dictionary definition of “Border” to mean “something we don’t fucking care about.” Ted Schlubbernick, the First Assistant Secretary of Word Proctoring in the Directorate of Special Definition Projects for DHS declined to comment on the change, saying only “We own you!” before turning quickly on his heel and marching away with his nose held at an impossibly high angle. Critics of the change tried to...

Archaeologists Make Major Discovery in Convenient Location

Archaeologists Make Major Discovery in Convenient Location

Archaeologists working near the Temple Mount in Jerusalem have discovered remarkably well-preserved ruins that appear to predate both Jewish and Arab Muslim and Arab Christian settlements in the region.  Unable to immediately identify the origin of the structures, the diggers from the Israeli Department of Antiquities are presently focused on determining the functions that may have been performed at the site, estimated to be more than 25,000 years old. Sources say the find consists of a “large space with multiple...

Pope Declares Catholic Apostasy Punishable by Death

Pope Declares Catholic Apostasy Punishable by Death

His Holiness, Pope Francis is set to return the Catholic Church to ‘good old fashioned values’ at the latest meeting of senior Catholic leaders discussing doctrinal changes next week. Sources close to the infallible funny hat-wearer indicate that he will announce that anyone seeking to leave the Church will be killed. While there is no love lost between Christians and ISIS, Pope Francis’ admiration of ISIS’ operational capabilities was revealed during a recent bout of Papal communal wine binge drinking....

International Entrepreneur Elon Musk Announces Permanent Solution to Middle East Strife

International Entrepreneur Elon Musk Announces Permanent Solution to Middle East Strife

Business titan and inventor Elon Musk has applied his out-sized intellect to the millennia-long problems plaguing the Middle East, announcing through a spokesperson that he has a plan to eliminate “all strife in the Middle Eastern part of the world,” by Christmas. “Mr. Musk has been mulling this issue for some time now,” said one of his spokespeople.  “Mr. Musk is waaaay fucking smart, so listening to him is always profitable, except for that whole Tesla electric car thing. That sucked, but PayPal...

CNN apologizes for giving “balance” short shrift

CNN apologizes for giving “balance” short shrift

In a regrettable distraction from their coverage of Kim Kardashian’s booty size, CNN has been forced into numerous rewrites of a headline for their story on the murder of several Jews in Jerusalem. “Deadly attack on a Jerusalem Mosque” read the original headline, only to be followed by another beauty of a screwed up headline, “4 Israelis, 2 Palestinians killed in Synagogue attack,” omitting the small but salient fact that the two Palestinians were the putzes doing the killing. Following a...

Palestinian leader Abbas embroiled in investment scandal

Palestinian leader Abbas embroiled in investment scandal

Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas has found himself in hot water recently as revelations regarding his investment portfolio were inadvertently made public through a glitch in his online trading account. Abbas apparently has investments in pork futures and a heavy stake in SodaStream®.  The transaction report – obtained by The Israeli Daily – reveals a pattern of aggressive investing in exclusively Israeli-owned companies, and an unusually high number of commodities ventures, such as cattle futures in India and pork futures in...

Saudi Prince buys rights to Jewish song

Saudi Prince buys rights to Jewish song

A Saudi Prince today purchased the rights to the well-known Jewish song Hava Nagila (Let’s rejoice).  Reached for comment on his yacht, the Prince said through an interpreter “I dig the tune. It friggin’ rocks.” With the specter of future royalty payments looming, Jewish folk bands are refusing to play the song.  “I hated the damn thing anyway! I felt like such a tool whenever we played it,” remarked Shlomo Tubberstein, a local folk musician from Jerusalem.  “Trying to remain Celibate?...

Hamas Bombs Make “BOOM” in Israeli Real Estate

Hamas Bombs Make “BOOM” in Israeli Real Estate

Wealthy Jews (really, are there any other kind?) are buying up high priced property in Israel as a hedge against rising anti-Semitism in their present countries of residence. The surge in economic activity is creating a real estate boom as a welcome side effect of the recent war with Hamas. Despite the Gaza conflict creating a spike in global hatred for “dem Jooooos,” the Jewish people have responded as they have for millennia; by pointing out that they are in...

ISIS beheadings due to “a hateful, detestable video” according to Obama Administration

ISIS beheadings due to “a hateful, detestable video” according to Obama Administration

National Security Advisor Susan Rice was a guest on Meet the Press Sunday, saying that the recent mass beheadings by the group known as ISIS were “apparently the result of a spontaneous protest over a hateful video.” Rice, speaking on behalf of the Administration, continued, “This video is another example of the sort of failures of diplomacy our Administration has been trying to overcome – failures left over from the previous Administration.” The weekly news show was briefly interrupted while...

International Intelligence agencies unable to pin down origin of ‘Khorosan Group’

International Intelligence agencies unable to pin down origin of ‘Khorosan Group’

At an emergency roundtable meeting held at The Hague, Netherlands, the emergence of a previously undocumented player in international terrorism known only as the ‘Khorosan Group,’ has dominated the three-day security symposium. “I’ve heard of them, but I thought it was a management consulting firm.” said one attendee.  “No! You have it all wrong.  Khorosan is a powdered dish soap suitable for septic systems.” screamed another.  Official remarks are still in draft status until the security summit reaches its conclusion...