Leah Lovelace

 

Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub

Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub

In what has been described as a daring PR stunt, women fighters in Syrian Kurdistan have produced a 15-minute pornographic video of an alien-themed Sapphic six-way. “We simply weren’t getting appropriate media attention by combatting ISIS through a historical tradition of disciplined military training,” said Berdil Baran, a lieutenant of the Women’s Protection Unit (YPJ) in an interview. “Really, we’re here to fulfill men’s fantasies of domination and surveillance. Destroying ISIS was just a ruse to get the attention of...

College Student Jumpstarts Israeli-Palestinian Peace Process With Timely Question, ‘Why Can’t They All Just Get Along?’

College Student Jumpstarts Israeli-Palestinian Peace Process With Timely Question, ‘Why Can’t They All Just Get Along?’

A few days ago, Carl Rickman was just another University of Connecticut Husky trying to survive summer semester finals. The sophomore economics major and Beta Theta Pi bro never thought he would be catapulted to center stage of world peace for his brave and intelligent academic work. Rickman was attending the Tuesday lecture of his political science course this past week when, spurred on by the class discussion about Israel and Palestine, he could no longer be silent. “I stood...

Miss Jordan Can’t Find Israel on a Map

Miss Jordan Can’t Find Israel on a Map

An embarrassing interview of Miss Jordan, Nida Abu-Khalil, from the proceedings of the 2015 Miss Universe Pageant is making rounds on the internet. In the now-viral gaffe, Miss Abu-Khalil identified several Israeli cities as being a part of Palestine when asked to discuss zoning policies. “Miss Universe is supposed to be cultured and eloquent,” stated a pageant insider. “This won’t bode well for the contestant if she can’t even read a map.” Many pageant fans are increasingly disappointed with the...

Netanyahu Goes to Iowa State Fair

Netanyahu Goes to Iowa State Fair

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu flocked with other American presidential hopefuls to the Iowa State Fair this past weekend. The event has become increasingly important in the race due to its proximity to a major caucus, and of course for its foot-long deep-fried corn dogs. While Donald Trump offered children rides in his helicopter, Netanyahu entertained the crowd at his booth, which offered pamphlets, bumper stickers, and foam fingers with information on the nuclear deal with Iran. His strawberry-rhubarb...

Five Survivors Found in Beirut Trash Avalanche

Five Survivors Found in Beirut Trash Avalanche

Protracted disagreement between the garbage collection company Sukleen, and the Lebanese government, following the closure of a landfill has led to the buildup of rubbish on the streets of Beirut. Mt. Hamra, a summit comprised of epic levels of trash in the center of the city, experienced a Class 4 avalanche last Friday on the leeward side. Environmental scientists suspect that the collapse was prompted by a passing souped-up Ferrari blasting “That Don’t Impress Me Much” by Shania Twain. Five...

U.S. Republicans Declare Feminist War on ISIS

U.S. Republicans Declare Feminist War on ISIS

Speaker of the House John Boehner told reporters this week that GOP representatives have drafted a document declaring a feminist war on ISIS. “We find the practices of veiling and gender segregation to be antithetical to the development of a modern society in the global economy,” stated Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions before a quorum entirely comprised of other men. Due to difficulty finding a babysitter or inexpensive daycare, Senator Joni Ernst was unavailable for comment that day. “There needs to...

DOD Shocked to Learn Women, Not Cyborg Baby Incubators, Beneath Afghan Burqas

DOD Shocked to Learn Women, Not Cyborg Baby Incubators, Beneath Afghan Burqas

In a recent public statement, U.S. Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter announced that new intelligence reports indicate that there are in fact human women underneath burqas in Afghanistan. “This comes as a great surprise to us,” said Secretary Carter. “Our on-the-ground operatives in the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan have, up until this point, been unaware of the true nature of the apparatuses—uh, I mean women.” What were once thought to be ghost-like mobile baby-preserving generators that wander the desert...