Laura Fillerup

Laura Fillerup is an ex-MI5 field operative and Mossad double agent. Born and raised in New Zealand, she also holds Moroccan, German and Jamaican citizenship. She is the world’s foremost butterfly enthusiast and collector, and likes to spend her spare time digging holes in fields; cycling around in circles and researching numbers of legs on various animals. She has just completed a ten year stint researching the amount of legs on chickens (4). She writes from one of her favourite holes, located somewhere outside Mexico City.

 

Saudi Arabia Finds a Way to Get Rid of Women for an Hour or Two

Saudi Arabia Finds a Way to Get Rid of Women for an Hour or Two

Last week’s, ‘Women in Society’ conference held in Saudi Arabia was a complete sausage fest. Organizers confirmed it had been as yet another ruse to leave all the women indoors, for ‘some peace and fucking quiet’. A spokesperson for the conference, attended by over 15 Arab countries, told The Mideast Beast, ‘I thought I’d gone deaf for a moment, then I realized ‘she wasn’t around’ moaning in my ear about ‘rights and other such nonsense’ Telling us about how the...

Study: Majority of Western Jihadists in Syria Are “Total Pussies”

Study: Majority of Western Jihadists in Syria Are “Total Pussies”

Despite widespread concern among world leaders and intelligence agencies over Western-born jihadists flocking to Syria to join ISIS, a new report shows that most end up returning home disillusioned and desperately craving “infidel creature comforts.” According to the Brussels-based Institute for the Study of Islamic Killaholics, which interviewed hundreds of returning Islamist fighters, “the vast majority of these combatants come home to Europe or elsewhere not with a heightened lust to kill people, but rather a newfound love for Western...

Zionist Conspiracy Behind ‘Historic’ Iranian Nuclear Deal

Zionist Conspiracy Behind ‘Historic’ Iranian Nuclear Deal

It’s now been revealed that the recently brokered ‘historic’ deal, somewhat limiting Iran’s nuclear capability, was in fact a machination brought about by an international Zionist conspiracy. Chief Zionist, Jewdah Cohen-Bergstein, congratulated those who had guessed as much in an interview with The Mideast Beast: ‘We had such fun choosing the location of the conference. Who remains the Zionist poster boy with that sexy beard? Theodor Herzl. Where did the conference take place? Vienna’s Herzl Square! ‘And somehow no one picked...

Zionist Overlords Finally Admit They Rigged the Israeli Election

Zionist Overlords Finally Admit They Rigged the Israeli Election

The Zionist overlords controlling the world’s economic, business and other institutions, have finally admitted that they had rigged the last Israeli election. Speaking to the world’s press, Jewdah Cohenawitz-Bergstein explained and justified the conglomerate’s latest political interference: “We could foresee a bit of free will seeping into the Israeli electorate, and we didn’t like it one bit. Not ONE bit.” “Without Bibi at the helm, we’re all fucked. Not you, obviously, I mean myself and the Conspiracy crew here –...

US to Israel: ‘I Think We Should Just be Friends. It’s Not You, It’s Me.’

US to Israel: ‘I Think We Should Just be Friends. It’s Not You, It’s Me.’

Israel has been hiding indoors, wearing sweatpants and eating ice cream this week following the US’ downgrading of their Facebook relationship status from ‘in a relationship’ to ‘it’s complicated’. The rumors began flying once the US began publicly flirting with Iran, angering Israel. Despite urging Iran and Israel to hang out together, as the US thinks ‘they’re both really cool’, Israel took offense. After a lot of negotiating and arguing, the US had been spotted more and more frequently with...

Al-Qaeda to World: ‘Did you forget about us?’

Al-Qaeda to World: ‘Did you forget about us?’

Like Dave Chappelle and Prince in 2014, yet another public figure has announced they will be staging a comeback for 2015. Old-school terrorist collective Al Qaeda, infamous for past atrocities involving hijacked planes, the World Trade Center, and the Pentagon have been feeling a little overshadowed lately, what with the rise of the Slicers and Dicers of the Levant, ISIS. In a Q&A session held over their Twitter feed earlier today, Al Qaeda explained themselves: “We here at Al Qaeda are pissed off. We...

Unreliable Source Says, ‘Woman Attached to the Most Famous Ass in the World Wants to be Jewish’

Unreliable Source Says, ‘Woman Attached to the Most Famous Ass in the World Wants to be Jewish’

According to an extremely unreliable source, Ms. Magnifique Derrière, otherwise known as Kim Kardashian, is thinking of following in the footsteps of her fellow Hollywood ‘sisters from other misters’ and joining the tribe of the Chosen. As Kim and her hubby already visited Israel last April and with her sisters possibly buying a new apartment in Tel Aviv, who knows, the rumors may be true. The woman attached to the most famous ass in the world noted, “The fact is, Hebrews and Shebrews are...

Israelis and Palestinians Rush to Apologize for Wrongdoings

Israelis and Palestinians Rush to Apologize for Wrongdoings

In an historic meeting, Israeli and Palestinian officials gathered to spew apologies at one another in order to resolve the latest in a string of violence. After having had enough of outsider interventions, lobbying, and couples therapy, top officials finally took matters into their own hands. Following a particularly hard-hitting epiphany, the Israelis began: “We’re sorry about that whole Hamas takeover of Gaza, not just because it caused us to make parts of the Strip look like the surface of the...

Israel’s International Football Disgrace

Israel’s International Football Disgrace

WALES UK — Israel has shocked and outraged the world once more this week with its appalling international conduct. Competing in the Euro 2016 qualifiers against Wales, Israel’s strikers infuriated the crowd with how little interest they showed in actually trying to score a goal, instead lining up with the rest of the team in a solid wall in front of their goal. Israeli players further slowed play by continuous attempts to engage opposing players in long-winded discussions on Israel’s...

Spy Dolphin Captured by Hamas ‘Part of Zionist Conspiracy’, Says Official

Spy Dolphin Captured by Hamas ‘Part of Zionist Conspiracy’, Says Official

Hamas has captured a Zionist ‘double agent dolphin’, an official stated earlier today to the world’s press. The allegedly heavily armed Jewish marine mammal was captured just off the shore of Gaza. The Hamas spokesperson declared the capture to be, ‘A gift from god – we are ecstatic. ‘He hasn’t said much yet. We’re waterboarding him every few minutes, and hanging him upside down, but he’s staying strong at the minute, tight-lipped. Every so often he laughs at us.’ Asked...

Hamas and ISIS Compete to be the Baddest Bitches in Gaza

Hamas and ISIS Compete to be the Baddest Bitches in Gaza

Following reports that ISIS has recently been operating in the Gaza Strip, Hamas – the outlawed terrorist organization governing the coastal enclave – has been literally losing their shit. Aside from this sharp increase in diarrhea output, the civilian targeting-rocket enthusiasts have been somewhat ruffled and upset by apparent Gazan support for the highly inventive head-separating rivals: ISIS, and is feeling threatened and emasculated following ISIS’ appearance. Speaking to the Mideast Beast, a Hamas spokesperson told us: ‘We just want...

Confused Swedish Family Mistakenly Towed to Port in Israel

Confused Swedish Family Mistakenly Towed to Port in Israel

A group of Swedish holidaymakers have ended up being towed to the port of Ashdod in southern Israel after a series of unfortunate circumstances. Having set sail on a private yacht this week, the Bergeson family from Stockholm was excited for their trip. Unfortunately, the group of yachts they chose to follow out of Gothenburg port was part of last week’s newest flotilla to Gaza. Speaking to The Israeli Daily from the Ashdod port, Ingrid Bergeson, sounding rather terrifying, shouted: “This...

Pope Ruled ‘Not Catholic’; Rumored Plans to Convert to Islam

Pope Ruled ‘Not Catholic’; Rumored Plans to Convert to Islam

In what can only be viewed as an unbelievable story, it has been revealed that the Pope is actually not Catholic and he may be planning on converting to Islam. Following his recent meeting with Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas, world leaders began to suspect something was ‘a bit off’ about Pope Francis when he pronounced Abbas an ‘an angel of peace’. He later bent down to kiss Abbas’ feet, before going in for what seemed like an awkward five-minute bromance...

Kate Middleton has birthed the Messiah

Kate Middleton has birthed the Messiah

Following through on her prior agreement with God, Kate Middleton has birthed the Messiah. Born on May 2nd and labeled ‘Princess Charlotte’, God has made good on his promise, pulling yet another shock surprise. Addressing the crowds from outside the private hospital in London, God proclaimed; “Bet you didn’t see that one coming – yep, the messiah is a chick!” “She needs a few years to get in her stride, but trust – she’ll get my shit done. Don’t believe...

God laughs and makes bad things happen as he proclaims, ‘now you’re all screwed!’

God laughs and makes bad things happen as he proclaims, ‘now you’re all screwed!’

Addressing crowds from the clouds in a loud, booming voice, God, in his most recent address, informed those listening, “You’re all truly screwed!” “Look, people. I’ve told you time and again STOP KILLING EACH OTHER. I created you and I can end you. But did you listen?” “Now I’ve had enough. I’m bringing on the pre-Apocalypse and making shit rain down. Hard. Then, when Kate Middleton delivers the Messiah in a few months’ time, we’ll all be ready for the main act.” “In...

UN peacekeeping force to ‘investigate’ and then flee from Lebanese invasion

UN peacekeeping force to ‘investigate’ and then flee from Lebanese invasion

The UN has announced it will station more people standing around in fetching blue helmets on the Israeli-Lebanese border because, in the words of one spokesman, “things recently got a bit lively”. The UN has been sunbathing at the Syrian-Israeli border for the past 30 years. And have garnered much praise for having kept the peace by a policy of rolling over and fucking off to the Israeli side of the border at the first sign of trouble. A UN peacekeeper, wishing to...

The West Bank to establish ‘The West Bank’

The West Bank to establish ‘The West Bank’

In a surprising departure from the usual subjects of their press conferences, the Palestinian Authority (PA) have astounded regional neighbours by announcing that they are to establish their own centralized bank – The West Bank. A PA spokesperson released an official statement: “It’s about time we look after our own money. Do you know how much foreign aid we get? Well, a lot actually but nowhere near what the Zionists get! Time to start looking out for own Benjamins. Come...

Honest Working Youngsters Step Up The Search For Fabled Israeli Gold

Honest Working Youngsters Step Up The Search For Fabled Israeli Gold

A number of European cities have recently seen an upsurge of brave young men banding together in order to search for their city’s Israeli Gold. Having staged successful searches in European capitals such as Paris, Copenhagen, Rome and others, the band of explorers recently turned their sights to London, the capital of the civilized world. Being tipped off as to a group of Israelis huddling secretively in a building, the youths knew this was the signal to act. Carefully removing...

Israel to host 2022 Winter Olympics

Israel to host 2022 Winter Olympics

In a surprising turn of events, Israel has been announced as the host of the 2022 Winter Olympics. An IOC spokesperson explained the decision “We at the IOC believe it is important to please everyone, all of the time. Human rights abuses aren’t very nice, are they? We didn’t really like the look of Kazakhstan – we watched ‘Borat’ about 3 times before coming to that decision. And while we all agree that Chinese takeout is the best, we don’t...

Turkey blames Saudi King’s death on Miss Israel Selfie

Turkey blames Saudi King’s death on Miss Israel Selfie

Stepping into the international arena with a declaration of something completely unrelated once more, Turkey announced that there was something ‘a bit fishy’ about late Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz’s death. President Recep Tayyip Erdogan (sexy stud in the image above) stated, “The sad death of brother King Abdullah, peace be upon him! is a direct consequence of the Zionist state’s aggression. Miss Israel’s deliberate photo bombing of Miss Lebanon killed the late Saudi King. You just can’t have that many...