Would you be happy departing our blue-green home planet for the cold, inhospitable wastelands of Mars? Would you leave everything behind with no prospects of ever returning home? For most of us this doesn’t sound like an appetizing proposition, but many young Israelis are preparing to do just that and are packing their bags for the red planet. The Israeli...
STOCKHOLM – At the fifth annual BDS Movement Award Show, the Swedish Academy for Political Hypocrisy, which hosted the event, gave the lifetime achievement award to the long-deserving ultra-orthodox Rabbi Ben Schmuck of Halamish, an orthodox Jewish settlement in the West Bank. The academy noted Schmuck’s many years of ideological leadership and dedication to the BDS cause. Academy chairman Ike A. Meatballsson...
ANKARA – The world’s only Muslim kinda-democracy held its kinda-democratic election on Sunday. Early results appeared to offer hope to supporters of kinda-democracy worldwide. Glorious Supreme Leader president Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s AKP (party in favor of AK rifles) lost the parliamentary majority it held since 2002, with most of the votes going to the Kurdish HDP (party in favor of HD...
He clambers slowly up the hill, surveying the carnage. His mouth twists into a gleeful smile as counts the burning husks of Abrams tanks around the hill, the downed jets. From the other side of the hill walks Osama bin Laden. “D-Chain, long time no see! How’s Lynne? The kids?” Cheney walks up to Osama, then embraces the undead leader...
The tunes of 95.9 FM “The Ranch” fill the main room of the log cabin, snippets of a Fox newscast barely audible from the adjacent bedroom during pauses in the music. A man sits on an old leather chair that was brought in from DC, he’s cleaning a shotgun. The room is decorated with mementos from four decades of a...
The single candle casts five shadows on the cavern’s back wall, the flame reflecting in four pairs of apprehensive eyes locked on the figure in slate-gray robes. The figure raises two hands and intones: “God is greatest!” “Praise be to God!” the voices from the back are waveringly slightly, as if mimicking the flickering light of the candle. “By the...
The region of Waziristan, on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border, has earned the appellation ‘Stan of Stans’ for being literally the worst place on this planet for humans to live. The Stanhabitants have endured several centuries of bloody warfare, occasionally interrupted by famine to keep everyone on their toes. Since 2004, the area has been the epicenter of America’s ‘Drone War’, with...
Following the announcements made this week by Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson, Captain America, Carly Fiorina and Walker: Texas Ranger, Israeli Prime Minister (1996-1999, 2009-2035) Benjamin Netanyahu declared his candidacy for the GOP presidential nomination. Conservative political analysts hailed the move noting that Netanyahu’s affinities for propagating ruthless capitalism, fomenting violent Islamophobia, pissing off Obama and Hillary, and needlessly quoting from...
In a festive ceremony held at the Syrian Ministry of Selective Human Rights in Damascus, Turkmen president-for-life-until-assassinated Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow (TID encourages skeptical readers to Google that name themselves) accepted a certificate of honorary Middle East membership from fellow regional rulers. The committee gave the Central Asian nation high marks in the categories of centralized corruption and popular persecution. Nationwide bans...
In the most exciting development in the history of the sleepy Midwestern state, the citizens of Indiana found themselves boycotted by several organizations for the morally reprehensible law that allows organizations to boycott those in the state they find morally reprehensible. The surprised Indianans discovered themselves in kinship with several other locales suffering from the same fate: the State of...
LAUSANNE, Switzerland – The negotiations over Iran’s nuclear program are nearing another deadline with no resolution in sight, and yet participating leaders from both sides seem to emerge from the sessions in an uncharacteristically good mood. The Israeli Daily caught up with some of the major figures involved to ask them about the progress of the negotiations. “Some people have suggested...
Following their embarrassing defeat to amateur cartoonist Bibi Netanyahu in the Israeli elections, leaders of the Israeli left-wing political parties gathered at the house of Rada Aburish, a four-year-old Palestinian girl from East Jerusalem. “We came to apologize for our failure at promoting the cause of persecuted minorities, majorities, orientations, disorientations, social groups, Google groups and all those who like...
Hot on the heels of his landmark appearance before congress, oral orator Binyamin Netanyahu continued his tour of the United States. After speaking at the quarterly employee meeting of Angelcakes Bakery in Detroit, MI, and entertaining the guests of Uncanny Valley Nursing Home in Tulsa, OK, Netanyahu delivered an address to the 174 students of Flatland-Hills Junior High in Greensboro,...
A day before the start of the AIPAC (American-Israel lobby) Conference in Washington long lines of customers snaked through the aisles of Shwayder’s Boozy Emporium, the famous DC ‘beverage’ store. TID correspondent Kid Justin, a frequent patron of the store, caught up with Secretary of State John Kerry at the check-out line. “It definitely takes a lot of supplies to...
The death of King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz al-Saud has triggered a string of promotions amongst 7,000 brothers, half-brothers, cousins of the kind you only normally see at Thanksgiving and Bar Mitzvahs. Key promotions include that of Assistant Regional Deputy Vice-Minister of Oil, Mohammed bin Shish, 18th in line for the throne, being promoted to Second Regional Deputy Minister of Oil,...
Eyebrows were raised last month when Isaac Herzog, Israel’s Labor Party leader famous for not being Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu, joined forces with Tzipi Livni, head of Israel’s parliamentary opposition.. The joint bid in Israel’s upcoming elections contains a plan to rotate both Herzog and Livni in the role of Prime Minister (PM) for two years each, under the slogan: “Who...
