Jeremy Hardwood

 

News Agencies Implore International Community to Provide More ISIS Stock Photography.

News Agencies Implore International Community to Provide More ISIS Stock Photography.

News agencies across the world begged the international community to supply them with more ISIS-related stock photos. Exasperated at using the same half dozen images again and again with each ISIS-based news story, Fox News reporter Samuel Swan explained the dramatic move; “It becomes so hard to peddle our agenda of fear and division when we keep on having to recycle old images; it ruins our authenticity and that’s what makes us look silly.” It has not escaped the notice of...

West Finally Apologizes for Ruining Everything

West Finally Apologizes for Ruining Everything

After nearly 100 years, the West has finally apologized to the Middle East for screwing up nearly everything. The loosely defined collection of countries known as ‘the West’ said sorry for all destruction, misery and conflict that it has caused in the region. Britain was the first to express regret for its decisions. “The Balfour Declaration was a bit of a dodgy call in retrospect,” mused a pipe-smoking ex-diplomat. “We simply never realized that promising the land of Palestine to...

Islamic State’s Leader Shocked to Find his Name on Ashley Madison Website Leak

Islamic State’s Leader Shocked to Find his Name on Ashley Madison Website Leak

The leader of the Islamic State, al-Baghdadi, was shocked to find his name on a list of other adulterers from the hacked Ashley Madison website. In a surprising twist, the Islamic State’s barbaric policy of rewarding fighters with victory slaves-brides did not lead to blossoming relationships. Al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast that he had simply “lost the sparks” with all his regular and slave-wives. The wives in question could not be reached for comment. The findings were of particular concern for all involved in the fight...

Professionals in Egypt Arrested and Sentenced for Doing their Job

Professionals in Egypt Arrested and Sentenced for Doing their Job

Following the shock sentencing of three al-Jazeera journalists the Egyptian government said that it would continue its policy of imprisoning people for doing their jobs. Accountants, lawyers and tradesman are also beginning to be rounded up for “spreading false finances, law and products.” The government insisted that this is being done to defend the people from the ‘sinister tendrils’ of the Muslim Brotherhood. In a shocking twist to the story the international community sat on its hands as this travesty of...

Islamic State’s Currency Spooked as China’s Stock Market Plummets

Islamic State’s Currency Spooked as China’s Stock Market Plummets

The Dinar (the newly minted currency of ISIS) has depreciated dramatically following shocking tremors in the international economy. It has wreaked havoc in business confidence in the Levant region. The region was left at the mercy to financial speculators and bankers, which even had Kurdish military forces saying, “dude, that’s a bit harsh.” RELATED: Islamic State’s ‘Second in Command’ Shocked to Find his Name on Ashley Madison Website Leak Caliphate leader al-Baghdadi downplayed this set back citing how extortion, slavery, oil, and looting sectors still remained strong....