Gunther Colt is an American author and investigative journalist who writes about issues related to the Middle East, Near East, Far East, and the is-it-possible-we’re-eurocentric-east. A direct descendant of the first colonists at Roanoke, Colt was born and raised in Mississippi on his family farm, CandieLand. After earning his B.S. in equestrian studies from the University of Edoras, Colt backpacked around the world. It was on this trip Colt first visited Israel, which he at first hated after paying four dollars for a watered down shot of Arak. However, he was soon struck by the vibrancy of the people and culture, and ultimately, by a stray tear gas canister. He has been writing ever since. With only two Tinder matches after months of swiping, he currently lives alone and miserable, with his teacup pig, Cerberus.
After reports emerged of Planned Parenthood selling the body parts of fetuses for profit, new evidence has surfaced of cooperation between the IDF and Planned Parenthood to harvest organs from Palestinian babies. According to classified documents obtained by The Mideast Beast, contact between the two organizations began during Operation ‘Cast Lead’, when Planned Parenthood noticed the opportunity for a huge profit from the...
Based on serious, academic research, this is how The Settlers of Catan look to a Liberal ...
After Oskar Groening was convicted of being an accessory to the murder to hundreds of thousands of people in Auschwitz concentration camp sources were surprised to learn that Groening, dubbed “the Accountant of Auschwitz” was not in fact Jewish. “It’s not like an anti-semitic thing or anything…just you know…an accountant? How goddamned Jewish is that? It would be like the “Rabbi of Auschwitz” was a...
The Israeli government will begin construction on a “water salinization plant” in Gaza next year in order to “aid Palestinians, who we definitely aid. Like a lot.” The plant will take what remains of Gaza’s clean sources of groundwater and add salt in order to make the water undrinkable. According to water engineers, the plant will use a revolutionary technology...
After the excitement following the announcement by Cofix that the startup company will open five Shekel grocery stores, Coffix has promised the opening of a five shekel ‘Old Fashioned’ chain. The chain, to be called Cofucks, will begin with a pilot store in Tel Aviv, expand into Jerusalem, cause a series of ultra-orthodox Jewish riots, and end up exclusively in Tel Aviv....
As Greece comes under scrutiny over its inability to pay back a 1.6 billion Euro IMF loan this month – the first developed economy to actually default with the IMF – the committee of the Elder’s of Zion have admitted that this is simply a plot that has been brewing for the last 2500 years. “We’ve waited for the opportune moment...
In the wake of the most recent flotilla headed for Gaza, a local toddler has launched a flotilla against bath time, causing a lot of stress for his mother. The mother reportedly filled up a plastic baby tub, all the while complaining about how “he used to love baths.” As the toddler was pushed into the tub, he organized his...
After ISIS was reported to have laid mines in the ancient city of Palmyra, Syrian warplanes were reported to have bombed the ruins just to make ISIS look bad. In a secret order obtained by the Israeli Daily, Syrian general Bar-al Bahmmz instructed pilots to “Attack, Attack now. It will look like ISIS blew it up because they just laid...
After a long anticipated wait, the Dead Sea has finally evaporated Tuesday. All but one remaining pool of water has disappeared, leaving a scared and helpless “Nessiestein” cowering in fear. Nessiestein, the Dead Sea monster, is a distant relative of the more famous Nessie of Loch Ness, and has inhabited the Dead Sea region for Millennia. However, prospects for Nessiestein’s...
Sauron, Ruler of Mordor and oppressor of the free peoples of Middle Earth has relinquished ‘The One Ring’ to ISIS this past week “because let’s be honest, they are doing a much better job than I am.” While Sauron has done little to further his goals of irrevocable hatred and genocidal totalitarianism, ISIS has excelled in reaching both those goals....
The Israeli government has long pursued a stance of “nuclear ambiguity,” neither denying nor admitting to possessing stocks of nuclear weapons. However, recently the government has pretty much stopped caring, and is only not telling America about the weapons. According to the transcript of a conversation obtained by The Israeli Daily, India asked Israel: “Soooo, do you guys really...
In the wake of violent protests in Baltimore after the killing of an unarmed African American man, and protests in Israel after the beating of an IDF soldier of Ethiopian descent, the Baltimore Police Departments and the Israeli Police have agreed to joint exercises to better their techniques in mercilessly beating people of African descent. In a joint statement, the...
Reports have been received by The Mideast Beast that an American tourist returning from Israel was preparing to carry out a covert operation to sneak an orange he purchased in a Jerusalem outdoor market past JFK International customs. Bringing in foreign produce is strictly illegal, and based on the scouring faces of homeland security agents, assumed to be punishable by death....
Selecting and cleaning fruits and veggies from one of Israel’s many colorful Shuks (a Middle Eastern outdoor market) can be confusing and stressful. The Mideast Beast has compiled these steps to making sure you’re spending right and keeping your family healthy! Step One: When you first enter the Shuk, be sure to scout out all the stalls before choosing which to...
After reports came out that the head of Hamas’ military wing, Mohammed Deif, was still alive and active after a fifth assassination attempt, it was confirmed, that no longer able to take physical form, Deif is now just a large fiery eye ball that sits atop a residential building in Gaza. The Hamas military wing commander was previously confined to...
Hamas, the ruling power in the Gaza Strip, has sent a delegation of 300 doctors, nurses, aid workers, and tunnel technicians to Nepal to assist in the earthquake relief effort. The move has rendered nearly every pro-Israel video available on YouTube completely obsolete. This is because all pro-Israel videos mention something about the fact that Israel helps the world and...
In the now-iconic words of C+C Music Factory, “Things to make you go hmmm”. Part one in an ongoing series. Recently, people have begun wondering where ISIS is buying all those orange jumpsuits. Like, they’ve got to come from somewhere right? Someone is making these things and selling them to ISIS,with full knowledge about what they’re being used for. They couldn’t not...
