Gunther Colt

Gunther Colt is an American author and investigative journalist who writes about issues related to the Middle East, Near East, Far East, and the is-it-possible-we’re-eurocentric-east. A direct descendant of the first colonists at Roanoke, Colt was born and raised in Mississippi on his family farm, CandieLand. After earning his B.S. in equestrian studies from the University of Edoras, Colt backpacked around the world. It was on this trip Colt first visited Israel, which he at first hated after paying four dollars for a watered down shot of Arak. However, he was soon struck by the vibrancy of the people and culture, and ultimately, by a stray tear gas canister. He has been writing ever since. With only two Tinder matches after months of swiping, he currently lives alone and miserable, with his teacup pig, Cerberus.

 

Iranian Generals Beginning to Feel a Little Jealous of North Korea

Iranian Generals Beginning to Feel a Little Jealous of North Korea

Following North Korea’s recent launch of a missile over northern Japan, Iranian generals have noted to reporters that they are jealous that the ‘Hermit Kingdom’ has begun taking such dramatic action. As tensions soar between North Korea and the US, many of them noted that they were experiencing extreme feelings of ‘FOMO,’ and began to question why their country had ever signed a nuclear deal. “It’s not fair,” General Haziz Ashkan told reporters, “We should have balls like the North...

Citing General Lee’s “Original Two-State Solution,” Trump Asks for Israeli Backing

Citing General Lee’s “Original Two-State Solution,” Trump Asks for Israeli Backing

Following the condemnation of the President’s statements on the Charlottesville protests by Republican colleagues, the President has reached out to Israeli leaders to support his position. In a press conference today, Trump stated, “It would be nice if some of my Israeli friends helped, you know I love Israel, those Jews are doing fantastic things over there with the high tech, and the missile defense, you’ve heard about the missile defense? Anyway, you know General Robert E. Lee was a great...

Following Trump Jr. Revelation, Elders of Zion Assure Americans They, Not Russia, Behind Election Manipulations

Following Trump Jr. Revelation, Elders of Zion Assure Americans They, Not Russia, Behind Election Manipulations

Following  the news that Donald Trump Jr. met with a Russian lawyer during the 2016 campaign in order to get dirt on Hillary Clinton, The Elders of Zion released a statement today affirming their direct role in shaping the results of the elections. The statement noted that “this whole Russia thing has gotten way out of hand, and we want to assure Americans that the steadying, global hand of world Jewry is still determining your fate – not some corrupt...

All Syrian Teen Wants Is to Rub One Out in Peace

All Syrian Teen Wants Is to Rub One Out in Peace

Under the constant threat of barrel bombs, stray mortar shells, crossfire between various rebel factions, and being strafed by a fighter jet, Syrian teen Mahmoud al-Tibi admitted Sunday that he can’t find one goddamn minute to jerk off properly. Between his mom barging into his bedroom to tell him “they’ve begun shelling again” and his little sister sobbing uncontrollably next door, it’s proving impossible to ‘smack the Imam’. “I try to watch some porn but halfway through the Internet connection...

Following Trump’s Withdrawal from Paris Agreement, ISIS Vows to Blow Up Thousands of Cars in the US

Following Trump’s Withdrawal from Paris Agreement, ISIS Vows to Blow Up Thousands of Cars in the US

Following Donald Trump’s announcement that the United States will back out of the Paris Climate Agreement, the Islamic State released a statement saying that it plans to blow up thousands of cars in the US to halt carbon emissions. The statement noted that withdrawing from the agreement which nearly 200 countries signed onto was a blow to both the US and the environment. It stated that if America would not cut emissions then someone would “just have to do it...

Following the Arrest of Entire Turkish Populace, Erdogan Begins Crackdown on Terrestrial Wildlife, Pets

Following the Arrest of Entire Turkish Populace, Erdogan Begins Crackdown on Terrestrial Wildlife, Pets

After months of crackdowns by Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan following last year’s attempted coup, a new effort targeting the nation’s wildlife has been confirmed.  The crackdown comes after the President delivered a report stating that the entire population of Turkey was currently being held in detention centers. As of May 9, over 700 gazelles had been detained by authorities, as well as numerous rabbits and field rodents. While the order included birds, reportedly many have evacuated to neighboring countries, though...

Following Missile Strikes on Syria, Trump Promises “WWIII Will Be the Greatest War, Probably Ever”

Following Missile Strikes on Syria, Trump Promises “WWIII Will Be the Greatest War, Probably Ever”

Following the missile strikes on a Syrian airbase where Russian troops were reported to be stationed, President Trump has announced the Russia-US war likely to follow would be the greatest ever. “It’s going to be just terrific, and we’re looking at a lot of options, ok,” he said in a press conference. “We’re looking at nuclear, we have a fantastic nuclear program that I’m so proud of, and we have our submarines, we have to talk about the submarines, you...

Trump Agrees to New Settlements on Condition They Carry Trump Logo

Trump Agrees to New Settlements on Condition They Carry Trump Logo

Following rocky negotiations between US and Israeli officials about new settlements in the West Bank, President Trump has instructed his envoy to allow building to go ahead, so long as they bear a giant “Trump” sign on the entrance. “This might be the toughest deal ever,” commented the President  “I’m not really up to speed with the complexities of the situation on the ground but I know that the Israelis can’t keep building settlements that don’t have my name on...

Palestinian Secretly Ecstatic Settlers Burned Down Olive Grove Where He Wants New House

Palestinian Secretly Ecstatic Settlers Burned Down Olive Grove Where He Wants New House

Palestinian olive farmer Mahmoud al-Tabrani was ecstatic Monday after a group of masked Jewish settlers burned down his olive grove. The grove was the exact site he had planned construction for his new home. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, he said being that he would have had to do all the work himself, and that “it’s like I’ve won the lottery.” He continued, “Cutting down all those trees would have taken me days if not weeks.” However, when being...

Mossad Unleashes Giant Kraken against Gazan Fishing Ships

Mossad Unleashes Giant Kraken against Gazan Fishing Ships

The Mossad, Israel’s international espionage agency has released a highly trained Kraken to harass and destroy Gazan fishing ships. In a statement released by a Mossad spokesperson, they admitted to previously training sharks to attack Egyptians in the Red sea, as well as eagles to spy on Hezbollah, and of course Flipper Goldstein, the Mossad dolphin to spy on Hamas. The spokesman explained, “Honestly, the naval blockade and constant searching of fishing vessels are getting old and we were really looking to bump things up...

Palestinians Pledge to Donate 200 Million Dollar American Aid Package to the EPA

Palestinians Pledge to Donate 200 Million Dollar American Aid Package to the EPA

The Palestinian Authority has pledged that if Donald Trump releases the 200 million dollars in foreign aid approved by Former President Obama, they will immediately retransfer it back into the US Environmental Protection Agency. Citing the President’s recent measures to curb all new grants going to the EPA, PA spokesman Mahmoud Al-Tabarani has cited the “desperate need” to continue to fund the struggling organization. “The whole world needs America to not fuck this one up,” he was quoted as saying....

In Response to US-Jerusalem Embassy Proposal, ISIS Threatens to Open Embassy in Washington

In Response to US-Jerusalem Embassy Proposal, ISIS Threatens to Open Embassy in Washington

As the White House mulls moving the US Embassy in Israel from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, ISIS has reacted angrily, pledging that it will open embassies “immediately, and in multiple, coordinated locations” in Washington DC. Though ISIS insists any embassy would be solely used for purposes of visa applications, lost passports and hosting the world’s least fun diplomatic parties, the US remains skeptical. This is mainly due to some services to be offered by the embassy including: “pressure cooker repair classes,” “YouTube...

Study: 87% of Online Commenters About Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Hold Master’s Degrees in Middle Eastern Studies

Study: 87% of Online Commenters About Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Hold Master’s Degrees in Middle Eastern Studies

According to the results of a study conducted by one prestigious American community college, over 87% of comments made on various internet forums about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict were written by people who had completed master’s degrees in the field of middle eastern studies, or in a comparable field. The study, which was carried out by researchers over a five-year period, finally explains why most comments online about the issue are so intelligent and thoroughly researched. According to Emeritus Professor Susie...

Graphic Design Graduate Beginning to Regret ISIS Internship

Graphic Design Graduate Beginning to Regret ISIS Internship

Following the most recent beheading of a colleague, graphic design graduate Mark Davis began to regret taking the internship with Al-Hayat media, which he had applied to during his final semester. “The job market is really tight for recent grads, you know? So I saw the opportunity with ISIS and I had to jump on it,” said Davis in an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast. “I won’t lie, I got really great experience working in post-production, so I can’t...

Hamas Announces New Rockets Capable of Hitting Their Own Schools

Hamas Announces New Rockets Capable of Hitting Their Own Schools

Leaders of Hamas’ armed military wing announced this week that its engineers had produced a new type of rocket with a maximum range of about 500 meters capable of reaching the Gaza Strip’s Hamas and United Nations-run schools. One Hamas commander, Mahmoud Al-Tahabri, emphasized that in the past Hamas had tried to extend the range of its rockets to reach all Israeli cities, but that ultimately this was a failed strategy. He continued, “the rockets that we launch into Israel...

Saudi Man Assumes Bad Driver in Car Ahead Must Be Woman, and Then He Remembers…

Saudi Man Assumes Bad Driver in Car Ahead Must Be Woman, and Then He Remembers…

Local Saudi software engineer, Ibrahim Awad, had a good chuckle to himself on his daily commute after remembering women can’t drive in Saudi Arabia. After a slow-driving white sedan swerved into his lane without signaling, Awad cursed out the driver and quickly assumed, “it’s gotta be a woman”. However, after feeling guilty, Awad berated himself for being so close-minded but finally came to the conclusion that “while I know it’s a little sexist, that’s just the way it is. Men...

Oman: “No One’s Noticed That We Exist Yet, So We’re Probably Good”

Oman: “No One’s Noticed That We Exist Yet, So We’re Probably Good”

The Sultanate of Oman breathed a collective sigh of relief this past week after everyone in the Gulf state came to the realization that no one in the western world could give half a shit about their existence – and most didn’t even know it was a country. This has given them license to continue business as usual, so long as the amount of government oppression does not exceed UN recommended levels. In one recent study, 47% of Americans thought...

Israel Bio-Tech Startup Unveils Anti-Horn Cream for Jews

Israel Bio-Tech Startup Unveils Anti-Horn Cream for Jews

An Israeli Bio-Tech startup announced today that is preparing an anti-horn cream specifically for Jews, which will hit the market just before Hanukkah. The cream will revolutionize the way Jews deal with controlling their horns. For centuries, Jews have been filing them down nightly, a task that could add twenty minutes to one’s bedtime routine. However, the new cream works to prevent horn growth, and is applied briefly after showering. In one preliminary study, it was found that after the...

Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers

Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers

In a nod to the US Supreme Court ruling legalizing same sex marriages, Hamas has agreed to allow gays to serve as suicide bombers as part of an overall campaign to liberalize the Gaza Strip. Ahmed al-Tabi, Hamas’ cultural minister promised that “a future of equality is in store for Palestinians” and that “the Zionist entity does not have a monopoly on progressive policies. And by the way, they’re still way, way behind most western countries despite all of the media...

Charity Insists Diverted Donations to Hamas Only Used for Subways and Aerospace Program

Charity Insists Diverted Donations to Hamas Only Used for Subways and Aerospace Program

Following a Mossad revelation that an employee of international aid group World Vision diverted millions of donated dollars to Hamas, the charity has admitted that while true, the money was only used by Hamas for infrastructure and scientific research programs. A spokesman for the organization cited dozens of Hamas tunnels in the Gaza strip as “clear evidence” that Hamas was using funds to relieve congestion and meet carbon emission goals in the over populated territory by creating a subway system.  According to...