Gret Beater's parents wanted him to study business at a respectable school but Gret was always better with words than with money, which is what lead him to take out a massive loan to study journalism at Clown College. He was once asked by Robe Lowe, "Why can't you just do cocaine in the bathroom like a normal person?" and was known as the class clown at Clown College, and not for good reasons.
After graduating at the bottom of his class, and inspired by a teacher he told him, "You're not going to make it past 30.” Gret decided to travel the world and write a book about his experiences in a volume titled, Roadkill of the New Jersey Turnpike. It has spent the last 200 weeks on the New York Times' "Affronts to Written Language" list with no sign of falling off anytime soon.
After his literary career cratered faster than Charlie Sheen in a room full of prostitutes, he was hired by The Mideast Beast to cover the shit show that is the most talked about region on the planet.
When not trying to resuscitate the corpse that is his writing career, he enjoys reading North Korean poetry, extreme-crocheting, bad metaphors, and beating literal dead horses.
It’s been well over a month since Trump’s decision to play whack-a-mole with Iran’s exalted general, Qasem Soleimani. Since then, Iranian troops and Shiite militiamen alike are saying they’re having a bit of trouble adjusting to their new boss, Esmail Ghaani. Hezbollah troops were the first to raise some eyebrows about some of the new office policies that Ghaani instated,...
Israel’s national airline, EL AL, is set to be the first airline to offer Corona and Non-Coronavirus seating, in a marketing move that is looking revive its sales following the Coronavirus outbreak. The airline industry is struggling to deal with the outbreak of the Coronavirus that has made hurtling through the air in a pressurized tube with 250 other filthy...
The New York Times (NYT) is receiving criticism after it published an op-ed penned by Taliban leader Sirajuddin Haqqani last week. The editorial board is standing by their decision though as giving a voice to a new and controversial opinion but also because they had empty column space and “Tom Friedman is only good for so much gibberish per week”....
Hamas decided to celebrate Valentine’s day this year by sending over heart-shaped balloons into Israel this weekend. The balloons were mostly filled with incendiary devices and explosives. A Hamas spokesperson announced that the campaign was a part of the Valentine’s day festivities. “It’s a celebration of love, and we love to kill Jews and we thought this was the best...
Syrian election observers certified the Iowa Caucus results and Pete Buttigieg was declared the winner in a tight Iowa primary that plunged the Democratic Party into turmoil this week. The Syrian delegation was greeted as liberators and relief swept over Iowa after a week of turmoil that brought the state to its knees by a few hundred senior citizens trying...
The Israeli interior ministry decided that, after careful consideration, it has no choice but to allow the Chinese coronavirus into the country. The ministry said this weekend that it wasn’t capable of keeping the disease out of the country and that it wouldn’t because the virus has yet to communicate any support for the BDS movement. In the last year...
Following the controversy over a Jeopardy question last week, a visibly aggravated Alex Trebek seemed intent on not letting his audience know that the dispute had not phased him. This follows the controversy where the answer to a question placed Bethlehem in Israel rather than Palestine. Some groups took offense to this, with Code Pink, which is usually such a reasonable...
The White House has released a statement assuring the American people and the global community that the president is satisfied with the conclusion of the recent round of violence in Iraq between the US military and Iran, and not at all bummed out that the he didn’t get to see what a nuclear ICBM does to a city. In a...
The Iranian Republican Guard Corps took responsibility for the devastating attack that took place on Sunday night in Beverly Hills via a social media account associated with the military organization. The tweet appeared on Tuesday night saying that “that this was only the beginning of the Iranian Republic’s retribution for the murder of Qasem Soleimani” Hollywood celebrities were devastated by...
Former National Security Advisor Ben Rhodes, who was once billed as Barack Obama’s foreign policy Guru was devastated to hear the horrible news that President Trump had authorized an airstrike that killed Iranian Quds Force leader, General Qasem Soleimani. “Qasem Soleimani, also known as “Asshole” by Yemenis, was the kind of moderate Iranian leader that we needed for peace in...
Following another rocket launch from Gaza, the Israeli Air Force (IAF) has retaliated with airstrikes against terrorist infrastructure. An IAF spokesperson commented “We are confident that these strikes sent a message to Hamas that we weren’t able to achieve with last week’s airstrikes, or for that matter the ones last month, and also those back in September.” Standing in front...
With protestors in the streets in Iran over the rise in the cost of gasoline, and the economy crippled by American sanctions, another key Iranian industry is suffering a severe downturn: flammable American flags. Since the revolution, the Iranian regime has supplemented their economy that was largely based on oil and flying-carpet revenues with the sale of American flags that...
In a recent interview, former adult movie star Mia Khalifa said that she had been receiving death threats from ISIS and has seen photo-shopped pictures online of herself being beheaded. Khalifa made headlines in the past for participating in an adult video wearing a Hijab and has angered some over several Lebanese nationalistic tattoos as well as a Lebanese Flag...
During a planning session of the Al-Qaeda leadership in Pakistan, one field commander wondered out loud: “Do you think the Navy SEALs still think about us?” Al-Qaeda leadership have noticed that the SEALs hadn’t visited or called in a few months, and were starting to get worried that perhaps their relationship wasn’t as stable as they thought. When President Trump...
Saudi Arabia’s representative to the UN Human Rights Council has made a statement applauding the decision of UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon to not renew Wonder Woman’s status as the ambassador for female empowerment. The Saudi’s objections to Wonder Woman echoed complaints of many feminists that she was a culturally insensitive and overtly sexualized character with “a shimmery, thigh-baring bodysuit...
Since President Donald Trump’s confirmation of Jerusalem as the Capital of the State of Israel, with the new US Embassy opening today, many liberal Jewish groups in the US have stated that they do not support the President’s position; chief among them is J Street, the political organization that describes itself as “the political home for pro-peace people who don’t live...
Following news that Donald Trump shared highly sensitive intel with the Russian ambassador and Russian foreign minister, the CIA has taken emergency steps to protects its assets in the Middle East. Documents leaked this morning via the President’s twitter account show that as of 4 am, all CIA assets in the Middle East were re-assigned the codename ‘Mohammad’. A CIA...
A survey conducted by The Mideast Beast of Arabs living in the Gulf states has revealed that they are not impressed by what passes for corruption in Israel. This follows ongoing (and ongoing, and ongoing) investigations into allegations of corruption on the part of Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu. While the charges are deemed scandalous in Israel, neighboring countries and...
Earlier today an Islamic State spokesperson condemned coalition airstrikes in Iraq and Syria, and the resulting collateral damage as “too corporate”, taking a drag from a hand rolled cigarette and saying, “we turned killing civilians into our own brand before it was cool”. The Islamic State has become notorious for the gruesome ways in which it has killed civilians and...
Tuesday Morning, a bleary-eyed, Mahmoud Abbas, stumbled out of his bedroom in his home in Ramallah, and asked, “I blacked out most of Monday, did I miss anything?” Monday saw the PA president go off on a fiery two-hour rant in which he lashed out at everyone from US President Trump to (surprise surprise) the Jews. A shocked Abbas explained:...
