Gret Beater

Gret Beater's parents wanted him to study business at a respectable school but Gret was always better with words than with money, which is what lead him to take out a massive loan to study journalism at Clown College. He was once asked by Robe Lowe, "Why can't you just do cocaine in the bathroom like a normal person?" and was known as the class clown at Clown College, and not for good reasons.

After graduating at the bottom of his class, and inspired by a teacher he told him, "You're not going to make it past 30.” Gret decided to travel the world and write a book about his experiences in a volume titled, Roadkill of the New Jersey Turnpike. It has spent the last 200 weeks on the New York Times' "Affronts to Written Language" list with no sign of falling off anytime soon.

After his literary career cratered faster than Charlie Sheen in a room full of prostitutes, he was hired by The Mideast Beast to cover the shit show that is the most talked about region on the planet.

When not trying to resuscitate the corpse that is his writing career, he enjoys reading North Korean poetry, extreme-crocheting, bad metaphors, and beating literal dead horses.

 

UN Passes Resolution Condemning U.S. Ambassador Nikki Haley

UN Passes Resolution Condemning U.S. Ambassador Nikki Haley

Earlier this week, the UN general assembly passed a non-binding resolution condemning US Ambassador Nikki Haley as a “Debbie Downer”. In interviews with The Mideast Beast, several delegations to the United Nations have complained that the new US Ambassador to the UN is really bringing the mood down with all the talk of “being fair to Israel” and “addressing rampant human rights violations in the Middle East” The Syrian Ambassador to the UN explained: “When Samantha Powers first came in,...

State Department Analyst Really Wishes Jared Kushner Would Stop Texting Him Questions All the Time

State Department Analyst Really Wishes Jared Kushner Would Stop Texting Him Questions All the Time

State Department Near East analyst, Jack Miller, recently entered his own version of hell after Jared Kushner got a hold of his phone number. It all started, at a department briefing for Jared after he was appointed senior advisor to the President and charged with brokering peace between Israelis and Palestinians. After the briefing, Kushner asked Miller for his contact info “in case I have any questions”. That’s when according to Mr. Miller “a non-stop shit storm of questions on...

UNESCO Passes Another Resolution against Jews, “Just to See If We Could”

UNESCO Passes Another Resolution against Jews, “Just to See If We Could”

“We just wanted to see if we could”, was the explanation given earlier today by the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization, as it passed yet another resolution claiming a bagel store in West Jerusalem as a Palestinian heritage site. UNESCO has come under heavy fire over the past year for a number of resolutions that deny a historical Jewish connection to parts of the Jewish State, that are about as Jewry as it gets. Last week UNESCO passed...

Poll: Only 40% of U.S. State Department Employees Confident Trump Knows Where Syria is

Poll: Only 40% of U.S. State Department Employees Confident Trump Knows Where Syria is

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a new internal survey conducted by the US State Department, less than half of all employees are confident that the current US President could point out Syria on a map. Earlier this week, President Trump threatened Syrian President Bashar al-Assad with grave repercussions if he were to use chemical weapons again. The survey was prompted by a discussion among state department officials, where no one could provide evidence that the current President of the United States...

Worst Time in Modern History to be an Anti-Semite, Study Shows

Worst Time in Modern History to be an Anti-Semite, Study Shows

A new study from the Iranian Institute for the Advancement of anti-Semitism revealed that it’s the worst time in history to be an anti-Semite. The study showed that, since the inception of the Jewish state, it has become increasingly more difficult to persecute the Jews. When they started, the researchers said they hoped to show that persecuting Jews was as easy as “old times”, noting that “they are the only people on the planet running away from Europe towards the...

Linda Sarsour Congratulates Islamic Countries on not Pinkwashing Oppression

Linda Sarsour Congratulates Islamic Countries on not Pinkwashing Oppression

Following the Pride Parade in Tel Aviv this past weekend, many groups and activists condemned Israel for its policy of ‘Pinkwashing’ and congratulated Muslim countries for their continuing oppression of women, minorities, and the LGBTQ+ community. ‘Pinkwashing’ is the accusation that Israel uses its open and inclusive society to cover up alleged abuses against Palestinians. Linda Sarsour – a woman wearing a look as if she knows what you did last summer and equally condemns you for it and wonders...

Islamic Terror Organizations Condemn US for Withdrawing from Paris Climate Agreement

Islamic Terror Organizations Condemn US for Withdrawing from Paris Climate Agreement

Islamic State, Al-Qaeda, Boko Haram, and other Islamic terror organizations are growing increasingly concerned that due to Global Warming, there might not be anyone left to kill. In a rare joint statement they condemned the Trump Administration for withdrawing from the Paris Climate Agreement saying “If Climate Change is allowed to continue, there won’t be anyone left for us to kill”. An Al-Qaeda spokesperson stated, “We got kind of nervous when that GOP health care bill passed the House, but thought ‘OK,...

New Intelligence: Thoughts and Prayers Not as Effective as Once Thought

New Intelligence: Thoughts and Prayers Not as Effective as Once Thought

Internal documents recovered by U.S. Special Forces in Syria revealed that “thoughts and prayers” are not as effective against ISIS as once thought. The documents recovered have revealed that typing a status on Facebook and even to your 100 Twitter followers has not had the desired effect of deterring future attacks, nor have calls by celebrities for co-existence have had much impact changing terrorists’ minds. Posting the “co-exist” photo on Instagram has also been proven to be equally ineffective in combating...

Kim Jong-un: ‘Who Do I Have to Kill to Get Some Attention Around Here?’

Kim Jong-un: ‘Who Do I Have to Kill to Get Some Attention Around Here?’

Kim Jong-un was reportedly dismayed this week when his successful ballistic missile tests failed to garner the international attention that he expected after being overtaken by Trump’s visit to the Middle East. The official news source of the People’s Democratic-nothing-to-see-here- everything-is-super-good-Republic of North Korea released a statement from the leader demanding: “Who the fuck do I have to kill to get some attention around here?” Even a few months ago a successful ballistic missile test by the hermit kingdom would...

CIA to Change All Middle Eastern Codenames to “Mohammad”

CIA to Change All Middle Eastern Codenames to “Mohammad”

Following news that Donald Trump shared highly sensitive intel with the Russian ambassador and Russian foreign minister, the CIA has taken emergency steps to protects its assets in the Middle East. Documents leaked this morning via the President’s twitter account show that as of 4 am, all CIA assets in the Middle East were re-assigned the codename ‘Mohammad’. A CIA spokesperson responded to the breaking news by assuring the public that all necessary steps were being taken to protect CIA...

White House Leaks: Trump “Pretty Excited” About World War Three

White House Leaks: Trump “Pretty Excited” About World War Three

White House leaks have revealed that the President is currently “pretty satisfied” with the progress being made towards plunging the world into an all-consuming global conflict. He remains open to whether this is a good or a bad thing. In the minutes of a National Security Council that were leaked, National Security Adviser General H.R. McMasters expressed concern that the President seemed “a little too excited” about the possibility of World War III.  At one point, in trying to explain...

Ahmadinejad Disqualified from Presidential Run, Not Sure What to Do with All These Trucker Hats

Ahmadinejad Disqualified from Presidential Run, Not Sure What to Do with All These Trucker Hats

Following a decision by the Iranian Guardian Council to disqualify Mahmoud Ahmadinejad from running for President of Iran, Mr. Ahmadinejad released a statement: “Ok, but what the fuck am I supposed to do with all these “Make Iran Great Again” trucker hats. Iran will hold elections for the President of the Islamic Republic, and the Iranian Guardian Council is the deliberative body that certifies candidates to run for office, a role traditionally fulfilled in democratic countries by angry mobs on...

Experts on the Turkish Referendum: What’s the Worst That Could Happen?

Experts on the Turkish Referendum: What’s the Worst That Could Happen?

Following the Turkish referendum, people are now asking the tough question: What’s the worst that could happen? One expert at the Middle East Center for Stupid Questions (who wished to remain anonymous) said “although it looks bad at first, we can’t be sure that the delegation of even more power to a leader who is accused of wanting to turn a large NATO country into a religious Islamic State is necessarily going to be a bad thing”. Others disagree however,...

ISIS Releases Official Response to MOAB: “Ok, Now You Dickheads Are Just Showing Off”

ISIS Releases Official Response to MOAB: “Ok, Now You Dickheads Are Just Showing Off”

Following the United States’ first use of the world’s largest non-nuclear bomb in combat, multiple terrorist groups condemned the US, rolled their eyes, and said, “you dickheads are just showing off”. An ISIS fighter interviewed by The Mideast Beast sounded exasperated saying “first it was the missiles, then it was the drones, and now this crap? Jesus, can’t they just send the SEALS like they used to?” Another clearly shaken al-Qaeda fighter said in an interview, “I admit I signed...

UN Security Council on Syria: ‘All Verbs on the Table’ Following Chemical Attack

UN Security Council on Syria: ‘All Verbs on the Table’ Following Chemical Attack

Following the US response to this week’s chemical attack in Syria, the United Nations has urged restraint on the part of all parties saying, “We have not exhausted all the possible words in the dictionary”. Representatives from members of the Security Council and General Assembly were threatening to draft a resolution expressing extreme consternation, bewilderment, and even outright stupefaction over the attack that killed over 100 civilians with sarin gas. Documents obtained by The Mideast Beast have shown memos indicating that...

ISIS Condemns Civilian Casualties in Iraq and Syria as “Too Corporate”

ISIS Condemns Civilian Casualties in Iraq and Syria as “Too Corporate”

Earlier today an Islamic State spokesperson condemned coalition airstrikes in Iraq and Syria, and the resulting collateral damage as “too corporate”, taking a drag from a hand rolled cigarette and saying, “we turned killing civilians into our own brand before it was cool”. The Islamic State has become notorious for the gruesome ways in which it has killed civilians and prisoners of war, such as when they lit a captured Jordanian pilot on fire and released the video on YouTube....

U.S. Targets Terror Groups’ Major Weakness: They Hate Layovers

U.S. Targets Terror Groups’ Major Weakness: They Hate Layovers

Terrorists worldwide are scrambling to deal with the most recent US security restriction of banning personal electronic devices on planes flying directly to the US from several Muslim majority countries. One ISIS operations planner sounded exasperated when he told The Mideast Beast: “We’ve already booked the flight. Do you know how expensive it is to change your tickets? Let’s just say we’re going to have to sell another priceless ancient artifact.” The new plan from the White House, which went into...

Saudi Woman Really Excited Not to be Allowed to Compete in Her New Athletic Hijab

Saudi Woman Really Excited Not to be Allowed to Compete in Her New Athletic Hijab

With Nike’s release of a new “Pro-Hijab” geared towards athletic Muslim women, a whole new group of female Muslim Athletes are really excited at the prospect of not being allowed to compete in international domestic and international competitions. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one female athlete in Saudi Arabia said she loves to run, but found it very difficult to find a male relative willing to escort her outdoors. Of Nike’s new innovation she whispered: “Now with the Nike Pro-Hijab,...

John Kerry Drunk Dials Nobel Prize Commission Following New WikiLeaks Documents

John Kerry Drunk Dials Nobel Prize Commission Following New WikiLeaks Documents

New WikiLeaks documents show that, in 2016, after the Nobel prizes were announced, John Kerry made several late-night phone calls to members of the awarding committee as well as multiple late night drunk texts. Mr. Kerry had high hopes for being remembered for something other than being the guy who lost to George W. Bush fair and square; he set his sights first on the Arab-Israel conflict, which ended in a war in summer 2014, and then on the Syrian...

Gulf State Arabs Unimpressed by Israeli “Corruption”

Gulf State Arabs Unimpressed by Israeli “Corruption”

A survey conducted by The Mideast Beast of Arabs living in the Gulf states has revealed that they are not impressed by what passes for corruption in Israel. This follows ongoing (and ongoing, and ongoing) investigations into allegations of corruption on the part of Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu. While the charges are deemed scandalous in Israel, neighboring countries and their citizens simply aren’t impressed. When asked about the corruption charges, alleging gifts amounting to hundreds of thousand dollars, one...