Fareed Zuckerbaum

Priest by day, stripper by night, Fareed Zuckerbaum lives an interesting life, to say the least. Fareed grew up in the year 0, chilling and smoking rad amounts of pot with a teenage Jesus. Granted immortality by a Scottish genie, Fareed has intermittently been honored as an omnipotent God and persecuted as the spawn of the devil.

Fareed narrowly survived the Spanish Inquisition, fleeing to Great Britain where he dug graves for several years. It was during this time of reflection that Fareed developed a deep loathing for all of humanity, but specifically, gingers.

Since developing the Theory of Relativity, Fareed has invested in multiple failed start-ups, including RatBombs! Inc. and POISPOON, the poisonous spoon for your enemies. Down on his luck, Fareed is working for TMB until he can pay ISIS back for a bet he made that, “there is no way they take over half of Syria in a month.”

 

Shortage of Stones in West Bank Leaves Youth Asking: ‘What Will We Throw Next?’

Shortage of Stones in West Bank Leaves Youth Asking: ‘What Will We Throw Next?’

A severe shortage of suitable ‘throwing stones’ in the West Bank has caused a panic in recent weeks. Citing natural erosion – and decades of stone-throwing by teenagers who should have been in school –Palestinian Authority officials have declared a state of emergency in various cities and towns throughout the West Bank, leaving the IDF and the international community asking: what will they throw next? Speaking to The Mideast Beast, 12-year-old Usman Abu Rahman said, “Without stones to throw, I’m more depressed than ever. Throwing stones at...

Terrified Panel of Migrant Workers Confess “Everything is Just Fine!” in Qatar

Terrified Panel of Migrant Workers Confess “Everything is Just Fine!” in Qatar

Doha – A panel of migrant workers went on the record Friday claiming that “everything is just fine!!” in Qatar. The video was released on the Qatari government’s English-version website. The news is a relief to Human Rights agencies all over the world, who said that the panicked and shaking panel of Nepalese, Yemeni, and Ethiopian migrants instilled in them “the greatest confidence one can have” that they were being treated well. Completely forgiving all previous accusations of corruption and...

Unsatisfied with Control of U.S. Legislature, AIPAC Announces Nominees for Supreme Court

Unsatisfied with Control of U.S. Legislature, AIPAC Announces Nominees for Supreme Court

Washington D.C. – Citing a “lack of pro-Israel sentiment” as the reason for the delay in Barak Obama’s supreme court nomination process, AIPAC announced their own nominee for the position. In a statement released Monday, AIPAC announced, “the reason why the Senate is refusing to consider Merrick Garland? You guessed it – it’s us! He simply isn’t pro-Israel enough, so obviously he can’t be part of the United States democratic process.” “We think anybody on the United States Supreme Court...

God Can’t Find Paperclip to Push his Middle East “Reset Button”

God Can’t Find Paperclip to Push his Middle East “Reset Button”

God revealed in an interview on Monday that he has so far been unable to find a paperclip small enough to push his “Middle East Reset Button.” “Honestly, I’ve looked in every drawer I have. I can’t find a single fuckin’ paperclip anywhere. “I swear I had a few right here,” the omnipotent Lord continued, sifting through piles of world economic reports and financial documents. The Eternal Being is infamous for his lack of organizational skills, crediting his sloppiness with...

Gay Strip Club in ISIS Capital, ‘The Studly Sheikh,’ Doing Surprisingly Well

Gay Strip Club in ISIS Capital, ‘The Studly Sheikh,’ Doing Surprisingly Well

RAQQA – Despite routinely executing homosexuals, ISIS officials have seemingly turned a blind eye to a thriving establishment catering to jihadis on the down low. In a Skype interview with The Mideast Beast, Ibrahim Al-Luti, who opened “The Studly Sheikh” just months before ISIS captured Raqqa in 2013, said: “I was scared at first, because, well, ISIS is fucking terrifying. But I soon realized that they’re just regular guys in need of letting off some steam.” Al-Luti, recounting the night after...

Revised Edition of Palestinian Arabic Dictionary Axes ‘Hope,’ ‘Childhood’

Revised Edition of Palestinian Arabic Dictionary Axes ‘Hope,’ ‘Childhood’

RAMALLAH – Over 30 “anachronistic” words have been deleted from an updated dictionary of contemporary Palestinian Arabic, sparking unrest across the West Bank. Among those culled from Sayyid Bashem’s ‘Concise Dictionary of Contemporary Palestinian Arabic – Revised and Updated to Reflect What A Truly Hopeless Hellhole Occupied Palestine Is’ are ‘hope’ (amal), ‘dignity’ (karama), ‘freedom’ (hurriyeh), and most controversially, all words derived from ‘child’ (tifl). Whether one blames Palestinian leadership, Israel, or the international community, many Palestinians were resigned to...

Google’s New Super Computer: “Screw the Middle East, I’m Out”

Google’s New Super Computer: “Screw the Middle East, I’m Out”

Los Angeles – Tech giant Google announced that their new super computer would be tasked with solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Yesterday, the same computer apparently turned itself off, in a surprise demonstration that the Middle East makes even artificial intelligence (AI) lose the will to live. One source at Google labs who wished to remain anonymous told The Mideast Beast, “We didn’t know that our newest super computer could turn itself off, so on the one hand, that’s kinda cool. But the...

Netanyahu Endorses Trump, Says “Iowans are Idiots – No One Does Islamophobia Like Donny”

Netanyahu Endorses Trump, Says “Iowans are Idiots – No One Does Islamophobia Like Donny”

JERUSALEM – Calling him “the Jew-loving anti-Obama we’ve been waiting for,” Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu smashed diplomatic protocol today by endorsing Donald Trump for U.S. President. Despite the Republican candidate’s stinging loss in the Iowa Caucus, the Israeli premier called the controversial billionaire “a true winner, unafraid to tell it like it is and a man who shares my inherent suspicion of brown people with strange accents,” adding, “since Donald endorsed me, it’s only gentlemanlike that I return the...