Danny grew up on a small family farm in downtown Manhattan, New York. Like Jesus, he was raised by his mother because, also like Jesus, his father was always busy working. He studied the Gladiatorial Arts at the University of Phoenix before dropping out to pursue a career in music. He was one of the original members of One Direction, but was asked to resign for being, ‘too drunk.’ If you ask him though, he left of his own accord because he didn’t want to be in a band with, “a bunch of stupid jerks.” After hitting rock bottom, he took an interest in politics and began writing for The Mideast Beast. He literally can’t remember any other part of his life. He is also smarter than you and everyone you’ve ever known.
Despite increasingly strained relations between Israel and the United States, President Obama announced today that he would not abandon the Jewish State. Well, not entirely anyway. The President made clear that with the reelection of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, with whom he lacks the bromance many want to see, he could not pal around with Israel like usual. “I’ll do...
Following a string of questionable, Holocaust-based designs, Urban Outfitters released a new shirt not long ago that created yet more uproar. Previously controversial designs include patterns that closely mimic Nazi concentration camp prisoner uniforms, including stripes and a yellow star and stripes with a pink triangle. The Israeli Daily spoke with a spokesperson from Urban Outfitters to get some answers about...
Recently, average citizens have been becoming increasingly uncomfortable at the thought of a small group of voters, who could be described as a ‘demographic threat’, affecting the outcome of the next election. The fear is that this small band of people will vote, not for the good of the State at large, but for their own selfish self-interests. And while...
Bi-nationality is a little understood phenomenon that many people are uncomfortable discussing. The condition, considered by many to be unnatural, manifests itself in a growing number of people who are citizens of two countries. Israeli-Americans are one of the most prevalent types, with more appearing every year. But the question of how this happens remains. Because bi-nationals can’t biologically reproduce...
Earlier today a Saudi Arabian publisher announced that they would begin selling a new children’s book based on The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. The Protocols, originally published in Russia 1903, purport to outline the plan for Jewish global domination. (Spoiler alert: It hasn’t happened yet). Despite being revealed as a hoax in 1921, the work remains popular in...
In the wake of a massive earthquake that left thousands dead, injured, homeless, and without basic necessities in Nepal this week, leaders of the Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions movement (BDS) offered some advice to the small nation. “If you see people offering help under an Israeli flag in the coming weeks, we ask that you simply seek assistance elsewhere,” said...
Sources report that your friend who immigrated to Israel last year is still super smug about it. They continue to update Facebook constantly, with pictures of normal stuff; trees, smiling people, beaches, sunsets, and add the qualifier: “Only in Israel!” You are rightfully confused, because as far as you know, all those things exist in other places too. You’re pretty...
Israel has announced plans to install the Applause-O-Meter in the neighboring Gaza Strip. “Immediately following attacks in Israel, the Gaza Strip always erupts in celebration,” we were told by the IDF officer behind the project, Avner Benrimon. “There’s singing, dancing, clapping, treats, and general merriment. I just had the idea to take advantage of these activities.” The idea is to gain...
Hamas has announced an uncharacteristic change in policy. The organization released a statement declaring their usual intent to destroy Israel, but this time, with something a little extra. “The animals living in the Zionist zoo will also be held accountable. They are as guilty of occupying Palestinian land as any big nosed bi-ped. Those meer cats might look cute, but...
One of the largest rallies in recent memory took place in the West bank today, as hundred of Palestinians gathered to demand a right to return to the land they claim was stolen from them in order to create the State of Israel. The only problem is, they ended up supporting the wrong right to return. “I just wanted to...
Mohammed Ahmad, a 44-year-old Saudi Arabian man, has been married for 21 years. He and his wife Sana live in a modest apartment, and have been leading normal lives. Until today when Admad made the startling discovery today that his wife is actually just two children standing on each other’s shoulders. This fact is hard to discern when they wear...
In the wake of another heroic murderous onslaught by three totally brave and noble guys at the French satirical magazine, Charlie Hebdo, a new study has brought exciting new data to light. Killing on behalf of your beliefs is, in fact, totally cool. Not all religious people are extremists, but even those that are, are totally stand-up citizens, and we...
This week Israel announced that it will begin to build glass houses for Palestinians in the hopes that the delicate domiciles will discourage the stone-throwing that has become a staple of clashes with Israeli police. “The throwing of rocks at our security forces has reached unacceptable levels,” a high-ranking Israeli intelligence official announced earlier today. “Look, it’s a well known...
Panic overtook Jerusalem today as a black hole formed in central Israel. The event was caused by the continued accumulation of guilt by the Israeli left, until their shame became so dense that it collapsed in on itself, creating a singularity. Having been described as “being ashamed of their own existence,” the Left Wing have long been criticized for ignoring...
The votes have been tallied! Today it was announced that when the heat get to them, Israelis overwhelmingly prefer a refreshing glass of blood harvested from the offspring of Christ followers! The drink, traditionally used for cooking, has surged in popularity as of late, having fallen out of favor towards the end of the Middle Ages. The increase in demand...
Tuesday marked the day that Prime Minister Netanyahu officially joined the ranks of America’s most maligned inhabitants: Congressional Representatives. These beings, who according to myths of old, are put in office to make laws, are usually old, out-of-touch, and old. Why Netanyahu wants so badly to rub elbows with these pathetic souls is a mystery, but the fact remains that he...
Today the terror group ISIS released a statement expressing concern for the health of George R.R. Martin, the author of the book series upon which the wildly successful HBO series Game of Thrones is based. The group, well known to be fans of both the book and television series, announced that they would “beseech Allah to provide our dearest George...
Rumors abound that the International Olympic Committee will soon be welcoming a new member, The Islamic State (ISIS). The terrorist group made clear that they hadn’t been sure the IOC would even let them participate in the upcoming games, but after a “bit of persuasion” they were added to the roster of participating states. Leaders of the internationally admonished group...
As the rest of the world marked the 70th anniversary of the liberation of the largest Nazi concentration camp, the Iranian government took the occasion to acknowledge a different event. “As all reasonable people now admit, the Holocaust is a hoax perpetuated by the Zionist regime. Because of this fact, we are celebrating the 70th anniversary of the Auschwitz ‘concentration...
In a rare instance of fraternity, this week the Autobots and the Decepticons issued a joint statement expressing joy at the decision by the oil titan, OPEC, not to reduce production in order to raise oil prices. The two groups are normally known to be bitter rivals, but decided to issue the statement as a unified group due to its...
