Chris Peacock

 

Hamas Blames Israel for Massive Rain Pour

Hamas Blames Israel for Massive Rain Pour

GAZA CITY — The Gaza Strip has been hit again! This time, by an unexpected massive downpour of rain yesterday, allegedly brought upon by Israel to ‘screw with the Palestinian People yet again,’ claims a Hamas official. In light of the situation, world leaders are scheduled to meet in Cairo in the coming days to mediate the cease-water negotiations, scheduled to take place next week. Israeli weather forecasters are still playing dumb, erroneously blaming ‘the atmosphere’ and ‘clouds’ for the...

God To Hire Guest Judge This Yom Kippur

God To Hire Guest Judge This Yom Kippur

To make this year’s Jewish High Holidays more interesting, God has been taking meetings with countless deities in search of Israel’s Next Top Idol. “I’m just so sick of putting up with their shit every year… it’s time to bring in some fresh blood into the competition,” God was quoted at the Constant Complaining Convention in the spring, hinting at a game changer. The guest judge was shrouded in mystery as the Jewish Day of Atonement quickly approached. “It’s very difficult to...

God keeping his plague skills sharp

God keeping his plague skills sharp

With the weather unpredictably fluctuating on a global scale, God is making sure his plague skills stay sharp by practicing with hail and water columns across certain parts of Israel. This is reportedly in order to remind Israel and the Middle East that He’s the same God that brought plagues, split the sea and has still god, er, got it. As humans continue to push the boundaries with smaller microchips, cloning and stuffed crust pizza, God felt the need to remind...

ISIS Plays Snippet of New Nickelback Single, Threaten to Unleash Full Song If Demands Not Met

ISIS Plays Snippet of New Nickelback Single, Threaten to Unleash Full Song If Demands Not Met

ISIS’ Public Retaliations Officer and the organization’s Chief Torturer Abu-Hassan bin-harem announced that we may be facing a new tactic. “We have recently obtained a new type of weapon. Our “Long-Acoustic Range Device” (LARD) is capable of damage beyond anyone’s wildest imagination.” It has been confirmed that the head removing-militant group is referring to Nickelback’s first single from their last album titled Edge of a Revolution; a song so awful that it is crippling, and at times even lethal. A study conducted by a...

Malala Yousafzai to drop out of school to pursue singing career

Malala Yousafzai to drop out of school to pursue singing career

Malala shot to fame following her first assassination attempt by people who have some seriously weird issues with women. The seventeen-year-old human rights activist who recently received the Nobel Peace Prize has taken an unexpected career turn, announcing her retirement from making the world a better place. ‘I just feel like there isn’t much room to move up in the Human Rights business,’ Malala commented at a UN press conference last week. ‘I mean, I’m seventeen and I’ve already won...

Israel to #ShareaCokeWithGaza as Palestinian low blood sugar found to be cause of conflict

Israel to #ShareaCokeWithGaza as Palestinian low blood sugar found to be cause of conflict

With Israel and Palestine resolutely agreeing on absolutely nothing, Israel has chosen to make the controversial move of allowing Coke into Gaza, risking massive sugar rushes across the strip in the hope that Israelis and Palestinians might, in fact, agree over one thing: ‘Coke is delicious.’ Previously, Gaza residents have been receiving Coca-Cola products from a factory in Ramallah, which often led to enormous Coca-Cola shortages whenever the borders closed. This caused Gaza’s collective sugar to drop drastically; resulting in...

MTV to pick up #RichKidsOfTeheran as their latest reality show

MTV to pick up #RichKidsOfTeheran as their latest reality show

MTV have recently confirmed that production of #RichKidsOfTeheran is now in progress, as the producers are fresh out of ideas when it comes to airing any more preposterous and shallow reality shows and admit that perhaps it is time to ‘walk the Red Line,’ as the show is ‘likely to be bombastic.’ #RichKidsOfTeheran is targeted at the Middle Eastern teen demographic and aims to rub their poverty in their faces while the rich and indulgent #RichKidsOfTeheran suit up in their...

Iron Dome to sell naming rights to make up monetary losses from last war

Iron Dome to sell naming rights to make up monetary losses from last war

Israel’s Head of Military Operations, Tomer Shalom, admitted today that the Iron Dome, Israel’s air defense system, has officially run out of funding and is now selling its naming rights to make up for the seriously-fucking-insane monetary losses suffered during the recent war. It is understood that the two strongest contenders are currently WAZE and Electra, both of which promise to improve the nation’s Iron Dome experience in the next war. “We want to make the Iron Dome a more social...

Israeli Facebook community can’t handle that people criticize Israel online

Israeli Facebook community can’t handle that people criticize Israel online

If there is one thing Israelis (original or transplant) feel more passionately about than Israel, it’s people criticizing or complaining about Israel. It appears that the online community of Israel is so effective at over-reacting that they don’t even have to read the articles to mobilize their indignation. Often times a mere whiff of a headline that mentions Israel not followed by ‘cures cancer’ or ‘provides relief aid’ is enough to unleash the deathly gates of hell and cause Israelis...