Chasey Uberseks

Chasey Uberseks is Jesus Christ’s younger sister from when Mary finally lost her virginity. As a kid, she was cryogenically frozen by alien invaders and stuffed in a tree near Ground Zero, where she was defrosted on 9/11. Al-Qaeda regards her as collateral damage.

Overwhelmed by New York and desperate for some fresh air, Uberseks moved to a Berber village in Tunisia. She writes for several publications from a small cave and runs the local “Jews for Jesus” congregation. Her hobbies include knitting, baking and rap-yodeling.

 

Vegan Discovers Truth About Eid al-Adha, Starts Supporting Muslim Ban

Vegan Discovers Truth About Eid al-Adha, Starts Supporting Muslim Ban

A Californian vegan discovered the bloody truth about his supposed ‘Muslim friends’ when they invited him to join them in celebrating the Sacrifice Feast. Though they were aware of his vegan background, they mistakenly hoped their friendship and his belief in tolerance and equality would prevail over his vegan ideology. Dinner went smoothly until the second course when the vegan asked his hosts to tell him the story behind Eid Al-Adha. Once he realized ‘sacrifice feast’ referred to the literal...

Yemeni Children Get Creative in Attempt to Grab America’s Attention

Yemeni Children Get Creative in Attempt to Grab America’s Attention

A group of starving Yemeni eleven-year-olds are attempting to create a giant solar eclipse made of cardboard and flashlights, with the purported intent of getting Americans to finally start reporting news about their country. The kids started collecting materials from dumpsters and refugee camps on Monday, after realizing that the solar eclipse was prompting journalists to stop incessantly reporting on Trump for the first time in two years. “We don’t have a school science fair, because, well, we don’t have...

Inspired by Trump Speech, Saudi Arabia Condemns Sexism and Misogyny

Inspired by Trump Speech, Saudi Arabia Condemns Sexism and Misogyny

Inspired by the eloquent hypocrisy of President Trump’s statement on racism, King Salman of Saudi Arabia gave a brief speech Monday in which he condemned “all forms of sexism, misogyny, and chauvinism in our Kingdom.” “Sexism is evil”, stated the man who rules a country where women can barely leave their homes without the accompaniment of a male guardian. “We are all created equal under our creator and the law, but equal doesn’t mean the same. We must love each...

ISIS Replaces Limb-Severing with Football as Infidel Punishment

ISIS Replaces Limb-Severing with Football as Infidel Punishment

Football games will replace limb-severing as the Islamic State’s preferential form of capital punishment for infidels, according to a decree recently issued by the-still-alive ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.  The new practice was agreed upon following the publication of a new study which indicates 99% of professional NFL players sustain permanent degenerative brain injuries as a result of repeated blows to the head. “Like the American health care system, laissez-faire capitalism and McDonald’s, football is a method of infidel self-destruction...

Gazans Not Real Humans Anymore, Decides Everybody

Gazans Not Real Humans Anymore, Decides Everybody

A suspicious-looking study published by the Palestinian Authority and verified by Israel, the US, and Hamas has found that the residents of the Gaza Strip are not real, flesh and blood humans anymore. The seemingly-false study suggests that the residents of Gaza were all replaced by humanoid android bots sometime before the last Gaza War.  These droids can subsist on toxic drinking water alone and are impervious to drone strikes and shellfire. According to the PA, before it demanded Israel...

Revealed: Trump Made Seventh Horcrux in Saudi Arabia

Revealed: Trump Made Seventh Horcrux in Saudi Arabia

The true story behind the photo of Trump touching a mysterious crystal-ball-esque object in Saudi Arabia has finally been revealed. According to Saudi Arabian sources, Donald Trump officially created his seventh and final Horcrux by tearing apart yet another fragment of his soul and placing it in a silvery orb in Riyadh. Eyewitness accounts report that after Trump split his soul he cast a mediocre Obliviate charm on all those present, but unfortunately for him, it wore off this week....

Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Ends After Lebanon, Tunisia Ban “Wonder Woman”

Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Ends After Lebanon, Tunisia Ban “Wonder Woman”

After more than 100 years of bloodshed, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict ended abruptly the other day after Lebanon and Tunisia banned the screening of the movie Wonder Woman, which features an Israeli actress in the iconic role. When Lebanon revealed that it had banned the film, Israeli PM Netanyahu called for all armed forces to retreat from the West Bank immediately and end the siege on Gaza. Thousands of ultra-nationalist religious settlers then decided to donate their homes to Palestinian refugees...

Messianic Jews Thank Trump for Bringing Us Closer to the ‘End of Days’

Messianic Jews Thank Trump for Bringing Us Closer to the ‘End of Days’

Prompted by the US withdrawal from the Paris Climate Accords several Messianic Jews have thanked Trump for partaking in what they called “the promotion of the destruction of planet Earth, thus bringing us ever closer to the biblically prophesied ‘End of Days’.” “We firmly believe that covfefe is code for covenant, and that Donald Trump is in fact a modern-day prophet,” they stated. “It is now clear to us that using global warming to invoke an apocalypse is a much...

Liberals Attempt to Shut Down Falafel Shops, Claim Serving Arab Food in America is ‘Cultural Appropriation’

Liberals Attempt to Shut Down Falafel Shops, Claim Serving Arab Food in America is ‘Cultural Appropriation’

A group of white, middle-class Brooklynite liberals is trying to shut down all falafel shops in New York City, as “allowing Arab food to be sold outside of the Middle East is essentially cultural appropriation.” Inspired by a movement in Oregon, which is shaming ethnic-food establishments run by white people in the Portland area, the Brooklynites explained their more severe stance: “It’s not enough to stop white people from selling Arab food. We need to stop the chauvinist market of...

Middle Eastern Sun Turns Trump Three Darker Shades of Orange

Middle Eastern Sun Turns Trump Three Darker Shades of Orange

Journalists have confirmed that, as a result of his time spent in sunny Saudi Arabia, Donald Trump’s skin has now changed color to an orange a full three shades darker than the one he left the States with. President Trump, whose skin tone had previously been described as ‘Golden Flame’ with a nod to ‘Burnt Orange’, has now deepened and reddened into a solid shade of pumpkin, and is dangerously encroaching on ‘Persimmon Orange’, sources say. Israeli and Palestinian visual...

Steve Bannon to Reveal Plans for Jewish-Muslim ‘Relocation’

Steve Bannon to Reveal Plans for Jewish-Muslim ‘Relocation’

President Trump’s chief strategist, Stephen Bannon, has reportedly told aides to draw up plans to round up all Muslims and Jews living in the United States, just as soon as they get the border wall out of the way. Bannon, the executive chairman of the far-right news source Breitbart, has been accused multiple times of making anti-Semitic and anti-Muslim remarks. However, this may be the first instance in which he has stated his explicit intentions to turn thought into action....

Le Pen: “Christian, Jewish, and Hindu Mosques Can Stay Open During My Presidency”

Le Pen: “Christian, Jewish, and Hindu Mosques Can Stay Open During My Presidency”

In a last-minute appeal to liberal voters, French far-right presidential candidate Marine Le Pen stated yesterday that if elected, she will generously allow all Christian, Jewish, and Hindu mosques in France to remain open. The statement came as a follow-up to her call for the closure of all “Islamist” mosques after last Friday’s ISIS-affiliated attack on a police bus on the Champs-Elysees left one man dead. “I have no problem with mosques in general, only with Islamic ones,” the candidate...

Transcript Proves God Backing Erdogan, Trump, and Netanyahu

Transcript Proves God Backing Erdogan, Trump, and Netanyahu

The Mideast Beast has obtained a confidential transcript containing a message from God to an anonymous recipient. The message alludes to His involvement in the ongoing de-democratization processes in Turkey, Israel, and the US. And God said, “People are always saying ‘Ooooh, God created everything’ and shit like that. Well, let me tell you something: I didn’t create democracy, the libtards did. Is there democracy anywhere in the Bible or the Quran? No, just nepotism and me randomly choosing people...

ISIS Replaces Beheading Videos with Live Streams of Camels in Labor

ISIS Replaces Beheading Videos with Live Streams of Camels in Labor

After a YouTube stream of April the giraffe giving birth in a New York zoo reached a live audience of 1.2 million viewers Saturday, ISIS has announced that they will be replacing their infamous beheading videos with live streams of camels in labor. A spokesperson predicted that this tactical move will result in much more successful recruitment rates from the West, specifically North America. An online poll revealed that 45% of Americans expect to have a “more favorable outlook on...

White House: “Jews, Gypsies, and Homosexuals Entered Gas Chambers of Their Own Volition”

White House: “Jews, Gypsies, and Homosexuals Entered Gas Chambers of Their Own Volition”

Following his statements regarding Hitler’s “never using chemical weapons,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has apparently retracted and amended his comments, saying that “although Hitler did use chemical weapons, he did so in closed quarters, whereas Assad used them on the battlefield.” Apparently, those who entered the gas chambers did so of their own volition and could have escaped. Members of the Syrian government who are known Holocaust deniers commended Spicer on this “accurate” depiction of the events of...

California to Create New Country: Safespaceistan

California to Create New Country: Safespaceistan

Efforts by the residents of California to secede from the US haven’t yet received sufficient support to be realized. Consequently, a revolutionary group of Californian millennials have decided to found their own country in unpopulated territory in Oman, near the Yemeni border. The country, Safespaceistan, will serve as a safe space for those Americans who feel overwhelmed by the prospect of life with Trump as president. The mastermind behind the initiative, an anonymous UCLA student, said the following: “As a...

Trump Invites Palestinian President and Israeli PM to Compete on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’

Trump Invites Palestinian President and Israeli PM to Compete on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’

After revealing that he’ll be staying on as executive producer of his reality TV show, Celebrity Apprentice, Donald Trump released a statement this morning disclosing a possible motive for the decision: he plans to use the game show as a political platform. Trump has invited Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas to compete on the show’s upcoming season, with each playing on behalf of his country’s right to exist. “This is the best way to solve their...

Syrians Breathe Sigh of Relief as Kanye Released from Hospital after ‘Being Tired’

Syrians Breathe Sigh of Relief as Kanye Released from Hospital after ‘Being Tired’

ALEPPO — The residents of war-torn Aleppo breathed a collective sigh of relief Thursday night after learning Kanye West had been released from the hospital after eight whole days for exhaustion, according to major news channels, and TMZ. West has a rapidly shrinking fan base in Aleppo (due to the city’s rapidly dwindling population), but a fan base nevertheless. Many of these fans had been under considerable stress while the rapper was under observation for being tired. “Kanye’s music has...

Iran Offers to Help With US Election Recount

Iran Offers to Help With US Election Recount

Iranian President Rouhani has offered to help the Stein campaign with its efforts to hold ballot recounts in the states of Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, and Michigan, sources say. Iran is, understandably, gravely disappointed at the prospect of a Trump presidency and the possible dismantlement of the nuclear deal. “The Iranian people see eye to eye with moderate America in our disdain at the election results and fear of what is to come,” Rouhani stated. “Iranian-American relations could have had a bright,...

Afghanistan to Welcome American Refugees

Afghanistan to Welcome American Refugees

The president of Afghanistan has announced that he will be opening his country’s borders to American refugees should Trump become the President Elect on Tuesday. The Afghan representative to the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees has assessed that at least three million Americans are planning to flee immediately following a Trump win. Preparations are being made to receive them by the end of the week, with each family receiving a modest six-month stipend, two goats, a Quran and a...