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Al-Qaeda Opens Doors to Flood Victims; Condemns Osteen

Al-Qaeda Opens Doors to Flood Victims; Condemns Osteen

In the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey, Houston residents have received help from an unlikely source.  While a media frenzy developed over Pastor Joel Osteen’s refusing to open the doors of his mega church to flood victims, the assistance that Al-Qaeda was giving went unnoticed. Under the radar and without delay, Al-Qaeda opened the doors to its huge training and recruitment complex in the middle of the city.  “We didn’t wait to be asked, we just helped, it was the right...

First Lady to Join Dictators’ Wives Club

First Lady to Join Dictators’ Wives Club

The Dictators’ Wives Club announced today that Melania Trump will be inducted at its next meeting.  This is a historic event as the USA has never been represented in the elite group.  When asked what prompted the decision a spokesperson commented, “President Trump felt he was losing ground as an aspiring dictator and begged us to let her in.  He initially showed signs of becoming a great dictator, but then we started having our doubts.  After his comments on Charlottesville...

Alt-Right Hits Streets of Jerusalem

Alt-Right Hits Streets of Jerusalem

Inspired by Charlottesville, the Middle East’s alt-right took to the streets of Jerusalem yelling “make the Middle East great again” whilst waving flags from the Roman Empire.  Some of the marchers were even seen carrying Gladius swords clearly meant to intimidate Jews and Muslims who were slaughtered during the ancient historical period. One of the organizers commented, “We just want to go back to a time before all of this two-state solution bullshit, where there was one state – a...

Prophet Muhammed: “What’s the Big F%@king Deal?”

Prophet Muhammed: “What’s the Big F%@king Deal?”

As tensions rise in Jerusalem over Israel’s decision to increase security measures at the Temple Mount, one of Islam’s most sacred places, Prophet Muhammed breaks His silence as His patience began to wear thin.  It’s been a long time since anyone has heard from the Prophet, and the leader of Islam hopes that every one of his followers will take heed and listen. “I do not want weapons of any kind on, in, or anywhere near the Temple Mount, am...

Radical Islamists Form New LGBTQ+ Terror Group

Radical Islamists Form New LGBTQ+ Terror Group

Inspired by the success of last Friday’s Tel-Aviv Pride Parade, closeted terrorists throughout the Middle East have decided to unite and show their true colors by establishing a new pan-Arab LGBTQ+ terror organization. “At first, we were afraid we would get our heads chopped off, or worse, our dicks. However, our long-standing suspicion that there is a large population of gay terrorists throughout the region turned out to be correct,” commented one representative of the group, who identifies as a...

ISIS Mistakenly Takes Responsibility for Decapitating Trump

ISIS Mistakenly Takes Responsibility for Decapitating Trump

In a huge faux pas, ISIS mistakenly took responsibility for decapitating President Trump and is now seeking revenge after finding out the photo of Kathy Griffin holding up a bloody Trump head wasn’t real. Unfortunately for Griffin her greatest fear is no longer that her dying career is finally over, as she has now officially been targeted by ISIS. There has been no word from Griffin, who was unconvincingly devastated by the onslaught of backlash from the President – who...

Trump Considering Dye Job After Bibi’s Success

Trump Considering Dye Job After Bibi’s Success

Israel’s Prime Minister, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu has shocked the world by dying his hair to one of the other 50 shades of gray, and it has apparently sent his approval ratings through the roof – especially with sexually deprived housewives.  An avid Bibi hater admitted, “I ran into this nice guy, who was really smart and had great ideas about the future of Israel… I didn’t even recognize that it was the same guy that I have despised and ridiculed...

Iraq Voted onto UN Women’s Council, Saudi Arabia Shocked

Iraq Voted onto UN Women’s Council, Saudi Arabia Shocked

Saudi Arabia, recently elected to represent women on the United Nations Commission on the Status of Women, is apparently shocked that Iraq, a country where women’s rights are declining rapidly, would be included.  A Saudi leader commented, “I mean, I understand why we were elected to join, but Iraq!?!?” “We aren’t really sure how our country was elected, it’s definitely not something we support… women’s rights that is.  We’re pretty much the wife beater of the Middle East. But at...

Al-Qaeda: ‘It’s About Time America Shuts Women Up’

Al-Qaeda: ‘It’s About Time America Shuts Women Up’

“We couldn’t be happier to see that the United States is finally seeing things our way,” commented an al-Qaeda leader when he found out Senator Elizabeth Warren was silenced during the debate on the Attorney General nomination. “Women should never have the right to voice their opinion and it’s about time America did something about it.” “For far too long, America has given women rights that they just shouldn’t have.  It is refreshing that President Trump and the Republicans are...

The Mideast Beast to Begin Covering Real News

The Mideast Beast to Begin Covering Real News

The Mideast Beast, a satirical news source, has confirmed that they will begin to focus on reporting real news.  This comes at a time when real news and fake news are becoming less and less distinguishable. There have always been some that think satire is real and real news is fake, but recently the number of people unable to decipher between the two is increasing at an alarming rate. “Why expend effort to write something that outlandishly exploits the hidden...

God Hopes Men Will Listen to Women This Time

God Hopes Men Will Listen to Women This Time

In response to questions regarding the Women’s March that was sparked by Trump’s inauguration and turned out to be the world’s largest protest thus far, God commented that he “really hopes men will listen to women this time around.” Apparently the Almighty was referring to the Golden Calf Incident where women gathered at Mount Sinai and vehemently protested the decision to worship a statue made of gold.  The men didn’t listen, and God got pissed. It is said that all chaos,...

Obama on UN Settlement Resolution: “Honestly, I Was Just Too Damn Tired to Vote”

Obama on UN Settlement Resolution: “Honestly, I Was Just Too Damn Tired to Vote”

President Obama has finally made an official statement regarding the controversial decision to abstain from voting on the UN’s Settlement Resolution. The President was “Just too damn tired” to get up and vote.  He said that when he woke up that morning he thought to himself… “People are going to hate me if I vote yes and others are going to hate me if I vote no… so why vote at all.” “Who would have thought that staying out of...

ISIS Takes Responsibility for 2016

ISIS Takes Responsibility for 2016

In a YouTube video, where ISIS members were holding up posters of the heads of recently deceased entertainment icons with their eyes gruesomely X’d out, a spokesperson shared that almost everything bad that happened in 2016 was at their command.  Stating, “It was hard keeping this to ourselves all year, but we wanted it to be a big New Year’s surprise!” The multi-part plan involved killing off world Icons like David Bowie, Prince, Muhammed Ali, Leonard Cohen, George Michaels, and...

Terrified by Trump’s Twitter Account, the Middle East Prepares for War

Terrified by Trump’s Twitter Account, the Middle East Prepares for War

Several high-ranking Middle Eastern officials have admitted that a Twitter war may be imminent as the President-elect continues his late-night internet war. Intel suggests that several countries are worried and have begun arming their forces with accounts. A spokesperson for Twitter confirmed that sign-ups in the region have doubled to an astounding 180 since the election. A source said that most countries had never even heard of Twitter, and would be defenseless against a late-night attack by Trump. He also...