Athie S. Scweinberger

Athie S. Scweinberger first began to understand the power of religion, faith, and mind control when she created her own cult in 2nd grade. Based on this initial success, she decided to pursue world domination as a career.

Over the years, Athie attempted to join the Elders of Zion, the Illuminati, and the Wizengamut but only heard back from Scientology, the fakest organization real enough to respond to her emails. Disappointed, Athie vowed to take a new approach in 2016 and is happy to announce she is the 48th member of Taylor Swift's ever-burgeoning squad. Athie is proud to bring her millennial sensibilities to The Mideast Beast, and will be debuting her own collection of emoji's later this year. Her favorite book is "The Art of War" by Sun Tzu and her favorite Kardashian is Khloe. Obviously.

 

Ancient Skeleton Discovered Giving the Middle-Finger Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance

Ancient Skeleton Discovered Giving the Middle-Finger Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance

In perhaps the most apropos discovery in the history of Middle Eastern archaeology,  the bones of a human middle finger, approximately 90,000 years old, were just unearthed at a dig site in Saudi Arabia. “We believe we are being flipped off from the past; we’re talking about millennia after this individual died,” said head of the Saudi Commission for Tourism and National Heritage, Ali Ghabban. “It’s almost as if our ancestors knew then that this area of the world would...

How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Wearing a Suicide Vest

How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Wearing a Suicide Vest

These days, many women walk around crowded marketplaces while wearing explosives-filled suicide vests looking for the best place to shout “Allahu Akbar!” and detonate themselves. Yet, that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to them! Of course, not all women wearing suicide vests are open to being approached, because not all women are looking to meet their soul mate right before their soul meet its maker. However, if a woman wearing explosives is single, and not being pushed into carrying out...

ISIS to Trump: “Could You Please Stop Giving Obama and Hillary All of the Credit for Our Work?!”

ISIS to Trump: “Could You Please Stop Giving Obama and Hillary All of the Credit for Our Work?!”

IRAQ — In the most egregious case of laughably misplaced credit since Kylie Jenner claimed to have invented wigs, Donald Trump, as everyone now knows, has called President Obama and Hillary Clinton the “founder and co-founder” of the Islamic State. Unsurprisingly, ISIS was appalled at this assertion. “Ugh, I knew this would happen.  Fucking knew it!” said ISIS leader Abu-Bakr Al-Baghdadi. “We took that whole “pics or it didn’t happen” phrase very literally, because invariably there’s always some asshole out there...

Emmys Snub For ISIS Film Producer Left off In Memoriam Reel

Emmys Snub For ISIS Film Producer Left off In Memoriam Reel

The 2016 Emmy Awards paid homage to the many stars who died this past year with its “In Memoriam” tribute on Sunday, September 18. However, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences failed to include several creative powerhouses who passed away in the reel, angering people around the world. Fans of ISIS propaganda video mega-producer Wa’il Adil Hasan Salman al-Fayad, killed by coalition forces near Raqqa earlier this month, were particularly irate at his exclusion. Al-Fayad oversaw ISIS’s production of...

ISIS Sleeper Cell Claims Responsibility for Removal of iPhone 7 Headphone Jack

ISIS Sleeper Cell Claims Responsibility for Removal of iPhone 7 Headphone Jack

The world is in shock following Apple’s launch of the iPhone 7 without a traditional headphone jack. While Apple attempted to placate the masses by offering Bluetooth ‘airpods’ to replace the old stalwart wired earbuds, many dark-web theorists believe that this signified the beginning of the downfall of Western civilization. These dire projections were validated when ISIS issued a statement formally claiming responsibility for this heinous design choice; “Mohammed Al-Jeniusbar, a soldier of the Caliphate, with help from Allah, carried out...

Chris Brown Offered Dream Job with ISIS

Chris Brown Offered Dream Job with ISIS

Grammy Award winner and domestic violence advocate Chris Brown was arrested on Tuesday following a standoff with police at his Hollywood mansion. Brown, best known for having the unmitigated gall to raise his fist to Rihanna’s beautiful visage back in 2009, recorded a profanity-laced rant on his Instagram account defending his actions and declaring himself a victim of police brutality. His self-pity and vitriol caught the eye of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who enthusiastically offered Brown a key role...

Saudi Arabian Witch Trial Sentences ‘Sorcerer’ for Leaking Intel to Iran

Saudi Arabian Witch Trial Sentences ‘Sorcerer’ for Leaking Intel to Iran

RIYADH — A special criminal court in Saudi Arabia has sentenced an Egyptian man to six years in prison on charges of sorcery, violating labor laws, and using wizardry to aid Saudi Arabia’s personal Voldemort, Iran. The Egyptian is accused of emailing sensitive diplomatic intel to Iran, including information on Saudi troop movements and the proper way to pronounce Wingardium Leviosa. Specifics on how, exactly, magic played a role in this espionage remain as hard to decipher as divination tea...

Jihadi Teen Brides Lament the Death of Justin Bieber’s Instagram Account

Jihadi Teen Brides Lament the Death of Justin Bieber’s Instagram Account

Canadian “singer” Justin Bieber’s jihadi fan base is hurting this morning after their idol shut down his Instagram account. “Justin’s Instagram was a gift from Allah,” wailed one young ISIS bride. “I left school in New Jersey to join this utopian Islamic Caliphate, but I got depressed when I realized that ‘utopia’ doesn’t look as much like Panama City Beach during Spring Break as you might think. I’m not really sure that my new husband really knows what “utopia” means…...

Saudi Family Therapist Condemns Johnny Depp for Hitting Wife Incorrectly

Saudi Family Therapist Condemns Johnny Depp for Hitting Wife Incorrectly

Johnny Depp, recently accused by estranged wife Amber Heard of domestic violence, and now currently involved in a nasty court battle, has undergone an extra amount of scrutiny from lead Saudi Arabian family therapist Khaled Al-Saqaby today as he expressed his disappointment toward the actor in an ‘open letter’. “There is a proper and an improper way to beat one’s wife, as I’ve successfully taught here in The Kingdom for many years. This is a tricky topic, but Allah willing...

Lebanon, Saudi Arabia Favorites to Medal in Freestyle Anti-Israel Olympics

Lebanon, Saudi Arabia Favorites to Medal in Freestyle Anti-Israel Olympics

Athletes from Lebanon and Saudi Arabia are expected to take the gold and silver, respectively, in the freestyle anti-Israel shadow competition taking place in Rio. The goal of this game-within-a-game is, in layman’s terms, to be the most unsportsmanlike little bitches possible to the Israeli athletes before the International Olympic Committee half-heartedly does something about it. On Sunday, Saudi Arabian Joud Fahmy forfeited her first-round Judo match to avoid facing Israeli Gili Cohen, after which Fahmy was overheard exclaiming that she...

ISIS “Can’t Be Bothered” with Olympics Attack, Will Host Own Games

ISIS “Can’t Be Bothered” with Olympics Attack, Will Host Own Games

RAQQA, SYRIA — With the Rio Olympics opening ceremony rapidly approaching, terrorism experts around the world are expressing concern over the possibility of a biological or chemical weapons attack by ISIS. However, official ISIS spokesbeard Abu Muhammad Al-Adnani al-Shami was surprised when questioned by The Mideast Beast about any potential terrorist action in Brazil: “We can’t be bothered with attacking the Olympics. That would be redundant. Rio’s already riddled with Zika-carrying mosquitos, polluted waters full of raw sewage, and vast...

Bernie Bros Look to Game of Thrones to Find Appropriate Punishment for Debbie Wasserman Schultz

Bernie Bros Look to Game of Thrones to Find Appropriate Punishment for Debbie Wasserman Schultz

Outgoing Democratic National Committee Chairwoman and cup of undercooked Ramen noodles Debbie Wasserman Schultz has been heavily criticized after wikileaks published proof that she and the DNC undermined Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign. After Wasserman Schultz announced her resignation, Bernie’s campaign manager Jeff Weaver told reporters that “Today the voices of Bernie Sanders supporters have been heard. It’s hard to miss them, they are shrill and keep screaming ‘bern the witch!’ Today have one unified rage-filled goal, and that’s to find...

“PokéAJew GO” Launches in Saudi Arabia After Pokémon Fatwa

“PokéAJew GO” Launches in Saudi Arabia After Pokémon Fatwa

With the phenomenon of Pokémon Go capturing the world’s attention, Saudi Arabia took a quick breather from banning women from driving, men from being too handsome, and dogs from participating in beauty pageants to focus on what’s really important: reviving their 2001 fatwa on Pokémon. “Rattata, Primeape, and Tepig are clearly Zionist Jews!” declared leading member of the General Secretariat of the Council of Religious Scholars and Misogynists, Abdulaziz Al-Asheikh. “Pokémon are symbols of the global Zionist conspiracy. This ‘game’ is...

Kim Kardashian Becomes World’s Foremost Investigative Journalist, US Govt. Quakes in Fear

Kim Kardashian Becomes World’s Foremost Investigative Journalist, US Govt. Quakes in Fear

HOLLYWOOD, CA — 2016 has been a year of political turmoil, terrorism, and unexpected Brexits, but perhaps the most shocking development yet came on Sunday evening when Kim Kardashian-West became the world’s foremost investigative journalist. Kardashian-West, previously best known for being attached to an amazing, albeit a gi-fucking-gantic ass (her own) and an awful one (her husband Kanye West) released video evidence via Snapchat of Taylor Swift approving the lyrics to Kanye’s song ‘Famous,’ after she previously denied any and...

ISIS and Archaeologists Equally Delighted over Newly Discovered Ruins in Jordan

ISIS and Archaeologists Equally Delighted over Newly Discovered Ruins in Jordan

Archaeologists have used satellite imaging to discover an ancient structure buried near the historic city of Petra in Jordan, you know, the site in Indiana jones and the Last Crusade. “This find is incredible!” exclaimed archaeologist Dr. Lucy Peatbog. “This discovery gives us a better sense of how civilizations in this area lived thousands of years ago. What’s next? We discover Atlantis, Xanadu, maybe those Clinton emails? With this tech, I’d believe it.” But ancient history fans aren’t the only...

Pentagon Admits to Using Floppy Disks for Nuke Codes; Armageddon now a Guarantee

Pentagon Admits to Using Floppy Disks for Nuke Codes; Armageddon now a Guarantee

While many Americans have been hypnotized by the interminable coverage of Hillary Clinton’s email security snafus, other damaging details have recently come to light regarding the US government’s notorious vibe of technological illiteracy. According to a new report, the Pentagon is still relying upon computing systems from the 1970’s that require floppy disks to coordinate intercontinental ballistic missiles and nuclear bombers. Department of Defense representative Ayma Luddite admitted to The Mideast Beast via a series of telegraphs: “We just never made...

Islamic Republic of Iran Declares War on Kardashian Empire

Islamic Republic of Iran Declares War on Kardashian Empire

The Iranian Parliament has demanded an unspecified sum from the United States for allegedly inflicting “spiritual and material damage” on Iranian culture and values. The main accusation: the egregious victimization of the Iranian people by the unchecked rise of the Kardashian Empire. Yesterday, an Iranian cyber-crime unit accused Kim Kardashian of using Instagram in a covert propaganda campaign to corrupt the youth of Iran. Government representative Akbar Noazz explained that Kardashian and her “spy handlers” (known in America as ‘stylists’)...

Clueless Kasich Asks Jewish Students “If Christian or Muslim Blood Tastes Better in Matzah”

Clueless Kasich Asks Jewish Students “If Christian or Muslim Blood Tastes Better in Matzah”

The Jewish outreach efforts of GOP Presidential hopeful John Kasich ended in a hail of menacing matzah balls after he invoked an infamous anti-Semitic falsehood during a recent campaign stop in Brooklyn. Ahead of Passover and the Republican New York primary, Kasich met with Orthodox Jews at a Borough Park yeshivah in an attempt to win their votes ­– and perhaps sway their souls to Jesus. The students initially seemed amused at Kasich’s lack of Judaic knowledge – and no small amount...

FBI Pestering Israel for Constant Tech Support After San Bernadino iPhone Hack

FBI Pestering Israel for Constant Tech Support After San Bernadino iPhone Hack

News sources are reporting this week that an Israeli tech company assisted the FBI in hacking San Bernadino terrorist Syed Rizwan Farook’s iPhone, leading many to wonder what other problems Israel can solve for hapless American government agencies. An FBI representative spoke to a Mideast Beast correspondent earlier today on condition of anonymity, excitedly stating that Israel’s assistance was a “game changer,” and not only on the issue of digital forensics: “Nobody who works at the FBI can walk into...

US Special Forces Capture High-Ranking ISIS Beard and Manscaping Stylist

US Special Forces Capture High-Ranking ISIS Beard and Manscaping Stylist

After it was revealed that an elite American Special Forces team recently captured a “significant Islamic State operative”, The Mideast Beast has received new and surprising  information regarding the identity and role of the detainee, Mohammed Al-Hirsute. Al-Hirsute is believed to be the main beard stylist – and expert manscaper – for ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, claiming to have been press-ganged into service after a 2015 airstrike left al-Baghdadi with half of his prized beard singed off. As the...