Assad to Help Trump Curb Chicago Gun Violence

By Supaflyrobby (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Last Tuesday, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad reached out the Trump administration offering to help with the rising gun violence in Chicago.

“You know, I have a great deal of experience dealing with armed gangs and civil unrest,” President Assad said to reporters. “Our so-called ‘Free Syrian Army’ isn’t so different from your Almighty Gaylords.”

The White House Press Office has announced a comprehensive anti-crime joint taskforce is being developed with the Syrian Government to quell the gang-related violence. When pushed for more specifics, the press secretary winked and remarked, “All I can tell you is that those barrels aren’t for delivering books.”

When asked about whether Assad’s human rights record was of concern, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer told the reporter to, “get bent”.